How do you handle this?

Old 07-03-2008, 12:23 PM
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How do you handle this?

We usually have company over on holidays. Often times, it's my family. Some times, AH doesn't drink at all. Other times, he picks the oddest times to drink, like times he would normally not drink. He usually drinks late at night, all by himself. But when he's off work and we are with family, sometimes I notice that he's been drinking. In the past, I have gotten him alone and asked him to stay in the bedroom and away from my family before they figure it out. That has worked. But other times, he comes back out.

He's pretty good at hiding it, but of course, I start getting nervous/angry/upset when I know it's going on and he is expecting me to keep my mouth shut. Meanwhile, I don't know who has figured it out or who hasn't.

What do you do in this situation when he refuses to stay away? Call him out in front of everybody? It's such an unpredictable, yet very predictable scenario that I'm already wondering if it's going to happen this weekend.

Edited to add: Both of our families are well aware that he's an alcoholic (though his is in denial for the most part). So, they know, but it's not something anyone ever speaks about in front of him. Toooooo tabooooooooooo.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:30 PM
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This might be off track, but I don't think I would worry about it. If he starts drinking, and as you say everyone already knows, than people will be looking at him. Not you. I know it's uncomfortable, but I'm not sure there is anything you can do about it. If the family already knows I'm not too sure what trying to hide it is going to do.

I sometimes get embarassed by what my BF does and/or says when he's been drinking. Especially when he starts to lecture his nieces and nephews. But I've learned that I'm not the one who looks stupid when he does that.. HE IS.

Maybe if everyone sees him make a drunken fool of himself he'll the embarassement with help kick the denial to the wayside??? Probably not.. but it's a good thought.

Good Luck!!
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:36 PM
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I wouldn't say anything to him try to cover for him. If my ex got drunk and acted like an ass I figured that was his problem. My family is pretty outspoken so that usually kept him in check but no one was ever shocked if I told him to stop being an ass (if he was drunk and tried to drive my BIL would take the keys away).
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:38 PM
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I feel torn about what to do. On one hand, if my family suspects he's drinking, than I don't want them to think I'm pretending his not. I don't want them to feel uncomfortable about it, or to think I haven't notice, or think that they need to distract my own kids because I'm not aware of it.

Usually, if he leaves the room, I don't have much to think about. It's when he comes back out and refuses to leave. It's almost like a challenge. I mean, I'm not barking at him to stop, just to leave our presence and go hang out somewhere else. So when he comes back in and continues to drink, which is what he does because he can not maintain, then to me he's asking to be put in the limelight. And I'm thinking about saying something the next time he does it. Otherwise, I feel like he's got me under his thumb.

Like he's saying to me, "I'll do what I want, where I want and when I want, and you won't say a damned thing about it." Meanwhile, I'm watching my family members, trying to determine if they've noticed anything funky or not. I feel like just saying, "I'm sorry folks, but AH has been drinking and he refuses to leave. If you would like to go out for dinner to a restaurant, I'll drive."
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:41 PM
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I'm not in charge of covering up for somebody else, especially if that person is an adult.


It's up to you whether you decide to have your company over or take them out. On one hand you would be taking steps to allow yourself to have a nice evening out and on the other hand it could be that his behavior is chasing you out of -your- home.
What I find helps me is to examine my motives in order to figure out how I'm working things out in my own recovery.

Last edited by cmc; 07-03-2008 at 01:07 PM.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:41 PM
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Have to agree with isitme. I often found that hiding the issue was actually creating more/new problems. Once when at the hospital visiting a friends father who was in for a reason other than his drinking, the doctor came out and addressed the family. He'd asked, "how often does Stan drink?". His wife said "not much at all, maybe a couple of drinks on the weekend". She was trying to cover up his rather large drinking problem. After she'd left the room his children and friends all told the doctor "he drinks 6-8 drinks a night....usually doubles". Funny enough, the doctor said "I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see who I could rely on to get him into AA before his syrosis of the liver gets any worse". In the end the wife looked a tad foolish/out of touch because she was the only one hiding it.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:44 PM
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I wouldn't worry about how he's acting or what he's doing. Why ruin your day just because he can't keep himself straight?

If everyone looks at him funny, then so be it. Entertain your guests and if he causes a scene, he'll look crazy not you.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by suzieq1972 View Post
I wouldn't worry about how he's acting or what he's doing. Why ruin your day just because he can't keep himself straight?

If everyone looks at him funny, then so be it. Entertain your guests and if he causes a scene, he'll look crazy not you.
Yeah, I really don't mind this option. I just don't like having an elephant in the room either. If he acts suspicious and won't leave, perhaps I'll just acknowledge to my family that it is what it is and he's drunk, so they don't have to wonder what the heck is going on. Next time he does it in front of his own family, who thinks he doesn't have a problem, I might not be so reserved.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by respektingme View Post
I feel like just saying, "I'm sorry folks, but AH has been drinking and he refuses to leave. If you would like to go out for dinner to a restaurant, I'll drive."
That sounds like what I would do. I certainly would not pretend it isn't happening or otherwise ignore it. I might make a request to him to leave the room and stay away from everyone. It all kinda depends on his reaction to such a request. I sure wouldn't inflict his drunkeness on my guests.
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Old 07-06-2008, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by respektingme View Post
Like he's saying to me, "I'll do what I want, where I want and when I want, and you won't say a damned thing about it."
The sooner you accept the fact that he WILL do what he wants, where he wants, and when he wants, the better off you will be.

Once I started making my decisions based on reality, not what I hoped would happen, or wished would happen, my life started to get better.

L
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Old 07-06-2008, 01:17 PM
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The more I was confronted about my drinking, the more I drank. My husband asked me to move out if I couldn't quit drinking...even though he drank some. I decided to move out that next day because no one was going to tell me when, where, or what I was going to drink.

I finally got my act together but it took me admitting that I had a problem with alcohol and only I could change it.

kelsh
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Old 07-06-2008, 02:09 PM
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I was trying to figure out why you were wondering what to say if your AH comes back out and is obviously drunk in front of everybody, since you've said they all know he's alcoholic.

Is it because, even you aren't responsible for his drinking or behavior and your family and his are aware of that too, that you simply don't want him embarrassing you in front of them ?
That I could Totally identify with......he's an embarrassment to himself....and to you in front of others.
I don't know if I guessed right or not.....

A few months ago, my AH was part of a group of guys who entered a BarBQ contest and this huge parking lot was full of everyone setting up their stuff the night before.
Some cooking the night before.
AH rode his motorcycle there the night before and called me to come get him cause he'd "had a few".
So I go down there,......and all in his group are drinking beers....it's about midnight by this time.
A guy with a trailer and a big barrel pit set up was parked right next to AH's group. This other guy had his 2 sons with him who were about 15 and 17/18.....The dad (his sons) and his adult friends were NOT drinking.
Even though AH's friends were all drinking beer, AH was the only one who was not capable of talking without a variation of the F word coming out of his mouth every 4th or 5th word....AH's friends were nowhere near as foulmouthed as AH.
I was mortified because the guy parked next to us and his friends and sons could hear most of what AH was saying.
I had to wonder what AH's own friends were thinking.
They were not stumbling drunk but were well under the influence......but none had the MOUTH on them that AH had.

I would have liked to wiggle my nose like Samantha and have them all forget either that I knew AH at all.......or just make them forget his unfortunate vocabulary.

Have I been embarrassed in public by AH's behavior and words while drunk ?
Yes......on several occasions last fall.
One of his friends and his wife came to me shortly after one of these times and said they noticed how rude (verbally) he was to me and they were sorry that I was having to deal with that..........and they didn't like seeing him act that way toward me......they also saw him in a parking lot on another occasion being exceptionally rude to me AND his mom out in a parking lot another time, and were alarmed that he spoke to his mom the way he did....I mean spouses get the brunt of it.....but talking to your MOM like he was is just pathetic.
She'd said some things before it all moved to the parking lot, that were out of line to be said in public....BUT.....regardless !.....you still don't talk like that to your Mom in Public !!
He then rode off on his motorcycle and I was amazed he didn't cause a crash and kill himself or someone else before he got home.
He did apparently make one stop somewhere that he forgot about sober....and they called a friend of his to tell him he left his leather vest there.
Idiot.

But it Was nice to have that couple acknowledge his sad behavior and offer their sympathy to me.
Both gave me their cell #s and said to call them if he ever "got out of line".
I still have the numbers.
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Old 07-06-2008, 04:34 PM
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it seems the pattern is all too familiar. I also have dealt with the embarrasment in public. The foul language, degrading me, it's something that would go on every day. i just need to find strength to put an end to it and not go back to him.
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Old 07-07-2008, 10:58 AM
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Does anyone else see a control issue here? I'm sorry, but demanding that an adult "go to his bedroom" if he is misbehaving so to speak is a issue of control.

I believe if we see behavior that is not acceptable to us it is our responsibility to remove ourselves from the situation, not send the A to his room like a naughty child and then expect him to comply.

Sorry, if this offends, just my opinion and what I got from the post. Respekting me my have a problem with control, which is just as much of a problem as the A has with drinking. I had huge issues with control and see myself in the post prior to going to Al anon and aftercare with my recovering AH.
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Old 07-07-2008, 11:18 AM
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Jeez, I recognize that attitude and fully understand it NOWADAYS, BUT, when I was first going though i actually thought i could control an alcoholic. bottom line is they are autonomous and must come to their own conclusion and decision.

For the wife ashamed of her husbandsdrinking trying to hide/cover up, shame/embarrass hem believing he will change;

is like trying to forcefully move/squeeze toothpaste within the tube worried about seepage on the end in question. Guess what, apply enough pressure and it will seep out somewhere else,maybe worse than initially.


Originally Posted by kelsh View Post
The more I was confronted about my drinking, the more I drank. My husband asked me to move out if I couldn't quit drinking...even though he drank some. I decided to move out that next day because no one was going to tell me when, where, or what I was going to drink.

I finally got my act together but it took me admitting that I had a problem with alcohol and only I could change it.

kelsh
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Old 07-07-2008, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by steve11694 View Post
For the wife ashamed of her husbandsdrinking trying to hide/cover up, shame/embarrass hem believing he will change.
You hit the nail right on the head there Steve. I spent years trying to shame and embarrass my husband into getting sober. I was so angry about what he was "doing to us" that I took every opportunity to disparage him, often in front of the children. I became someone I didn't even like. And I probably made things worse by piling a bunch more shame onto someone with a disease based on self-loathing. I don't think my bottom and subsequent desire to change myself had much to do with him. It had more to do with hating the person I had become.

L
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Old 07-07-2008, 01:16 PM
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Pretending/denial is what makes us sick Al-Anon people more sick. I had done this many times in the past, but have now realized I wasn't doing him a favor nor myself. They have to learn to deal with their consequences (sp). Drunk or sober.

You should hold your head high, if he CHOOSES to drink it's not your decission to make for him.

God know's it's taken me 4 years to learn this.

Take care of yourself.
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Old 07-07-2008, 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by harleygirl92156 View Post
Does anyone else see a control issue here? I'm sorry, but demanding that an adult "go to his bedroom" if he is misbehaving so to speak is a issue of control.

I believe if we see behavior that is not acceptable to us it is our responsibility to remove ourselves from the situation, not send the A to his room like a naughty child and then expect him to comply.

Sorry, if this offends, just my opinion and what I got from the post. Respekting me my have a problem with control, which is just as much of a problem as the A has with drinking. I had huge issues with control and see myself in the post prior to going to Al anon and aftercare with my recovering AH.
I don't think it sounds like she has a problem. I think he is the one with the problem if she has guests over then she has a right to a pieceful night. He is getting drunk and acting like an idiot then that is behaving like a child and he deserves to be treated as one. remember until in recovery the relationship of an alcohlic and a significant other is just like a parent child relationship. Remember his own best thinking got him drunk....

She is not controling him - he does what he wants it seems when ever he wants... She just wanted some peace and respect while she had guests. She should have made leave rather then giving him a nice option of just going to his room to remove himself from everyone else that was trying to enjoy the evening. But she chose the safer option.

not everyone is perfect - we do what we can - I don't think it is a matter of control it is a matter of respect. If he wants it he has to give it.
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Old 07-07-2008, 06:38 PM
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It is wrong and try (less and less now) to hide my AH behaviors from friends and family to avoide the embarrassment that it casues. It is a long process to change our way of thinking and it is one day at a time for us codies as well as the alcoholics. This is what I am learning. We fall off the wagon and get back on. new behaviros are not learned overnight just as or codie problems developed i am sure over years not overnight. It is a learning process and each day hopefully we move forward. i apologize but sometimes feel people are really harsh on this site. not to me, but to others that are looking for compasion. This disease is not easy on anyone and we all deserve compassion - we are all human and we all have differnt thoughts and opinions.

Gives us codies a break once in a while as we are learning. lol
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Old 07-07-2008, 06:40 PM
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Originally Posted by sadandhopeless View Post
He is getting drunk and acting like an idiot then that is behaving like a child and he deserves to be treated as one. remember until in recovery the relationship of an alcohlic and a significant other is just like a parent child relationship. Remember his own best thinking got him drunk....
No, its not a parent-child relationship! They are both adults. No adult deserves to be treated like a child. Yes, telling an adult to go to their room is treating them like a child and is an attempt at control of the other adult. THis is not the way I would want to live.

Like I said earlier, if my AH had done something like this, I would have removed myself and my guests. That is taking control of my life, not trying to control another adult.
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