last night

Old 07-02-2008, 08:16 AM
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last night

OK, well, made through last night. The one boundary I have is to refuse to engage/involve myself when he is drunk. I'll speak to him only if necessary, and will only listen to him if it is intelligent conversation. I won't listen to ramblings, negative remarks, etc. It worked pretty well last night. He tried to engage me, but I refused to take the bait.

This morning, he says he is going to make an appt with a counselor. I hope so. But still adamantly refuses to quit altogether, nor sees the need to.

I wonder what other boundaries there are? All I've heard is to leave them. I wish it was that simple. But maybe it is. Take the kids and go to a hotel for the night. They know dad can drink too much, and we've discussed how alcohol makes people do and say things they wouldn't normally. They're 8 & 10. But I worry that leaving will only create a scene and make things worse for them.

He has improved, as I said in my original post. Tenfold. So there is some progress. This is really the first "bad" night in 6 months, whereas before it was just about every night. And, even comparing the definitions of "bad", last night was nothing in comparison. But, as I said to him this morning, time to take it to the next level.

I think I'll try and find an Alanon meeting.

I'll try a short intro!

I'm pretty much a stay home mom. I have a pt job, but it's really not more than a hobby.

Ah has drank for as long as I've known him. He'd get silly, sometimes mean. Missed the red flags completely. Hasn't really been a consistent problem until a few years ago or so.

As I said earlier, his drinking has decreased after a huge blowout we had around the new year. We had some counseling and things were better. He just doesn't see the need to quit altogether. He thinks he can control it, and last night was just a "slip". I can't seem to convince him otherwise.

I know I'm fooling myself sometimes, but I'm making a commitment to myself to not try to minimize anymore. I think I've been too tolerant and not as honest as I should be.

When he's sober, I couldn't be happier. Maybe I will make the most of those times, and maybe come up with some new boundaries for the "other" times. He thinks that just getting slurry is no big deal. And it's not for a non-alcoholic I guess. But as far as he's concerned, as long as he's not hurting anyone, what's the problem? Sometimes I wish he would go back to abusive (verbally, emotionally, a few occasions of manhandling - but always me - never the kids - and they're always asleep when it got to that point) since that's the only way he sees there's a problem.

Anyway, thank you so much for last night. Very interesting points were brought up in your responses, and I'm going to spend some time reflecting on them.

I can't see the forest for the trees right now.

I hope to become part of this community. But I feel like how can I help anyone else when I can't help myself?
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:38 AM
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Hi Juju,

Well, you have a lot on your plate and I know how hard all this was for me to deal with. I have 2 kids too and the A did/does not think there is a problem. Even after almost dying in a DUI and a limb amputation he does not have a problem according to him.

I have learned that it doesn't matter what he thinks. The drinking is a problem for me. I cannot cure it...it is out of my hands. I tried a lot of things to control it like talking, crying, screaming, depression, hiding, counting drinks, lying and more and none of it helped and all of those things made me a wreck and didn't help me one bit.

I finally found something that helped me though, and that was working on getting me healthy. I am reading Alanon litereature, coming here, attending
F2F alanon meetings, individual counseling, and breaking out of my self imposed isolation. Come to find out, there are a lot of people that have been through what I have, and I find listening to their experience, strength, and hope quite helpful, soothing, and therapuetic.

I have learned that in my situation I was not functioning well. I was just like the A because I denied I had issues. Well guess what? Now that I have begun to peek my head around my curtain of denial I am finding out that the world can be full of fun, joy, laughter and delight.

Please keep posting.
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:40 AM
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You became a part of this community the minute you joined, girl. Welcome! You just don't know how your words help others in this type of setup, but I'll bet there are others viewing and not yet participating who are gaining insight from your honesty and determination to not minimize anymore. That's a great step, by the way. Keep putting one foot in front of the other with that thought.
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Old 07-02-2008, 09:14 AM
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JuJu you are a part of us now!

And what you share here will indeed help others more than you realize
right now!

We are glad to have you!

And Al-Anon would be a great start....I went and I just sat the first few
times and listened to others-(I was surprised how everyone hit what I
was feeling inside! And they still do today)

You will find that here at SR as well!

One baby step at time! It sounds as if you know what you want and we
are here to support!

Keep posting!
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Old 07-02-2008, 01:30 PM
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Juju: Trust me on this, your post has helped me and I'm sure several others. You are doing more than many of us are capable of at the moment. Don't worry about "trying" to help others. Sharing with each other allows us to "help" naturally. It's figuring out how to get through each situation that makes us stronger. And you did what you said last night! BRAVO!!
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Old 07-02-2008, 01:44 PM
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Hey juju:
thank you for sharing with us! You have found the right place, and we are all here for you and willing to love you for YOU! Hang in there Hon, and please do give Al-anon a try...be open and as honest as you can, and you will be so relieved to find so many people who have been right where you are and can help you. We all here on SR are pulling for you! :ghug3
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