iluvmygurlz

Hi all,

Hope you are having good days today.

My question is this....why is it so difficult to make the break from your A? In the past year my AH has gotten a DUI, lost 3 jobs, no health insurance, had the water turned off, drank himself STUPID just about every day, cheated on me, left for days....the usual A crap. So why the heck am I, a seemingly intelligent 49 year old gainfully employed individual finding it so hard to leave?

I DO NOT GET IT.

Is it the sadness that all your hopes and dreams are shattered? Is it because he understands his problem and is starting his 3rd stint in rehab today? Am I hoping that this time really will be different? Is it just good old codie me that still loves him thinking that I'm deserting a sinking ship?

I've always been the tough, no nonsense one.....anyone else tell me a story like mine I would say....what is your problem? Get the he)) outta there!!! Why can't I take my own advice? I'm living a cliche' and I hate it!!!!

I did finally tell my best friend last night who lives across the street from me. First person I told...what a RELIEF!!!

Thanks for listening...I just needed to vent. There's so much more to say but I'll leave it at this right now.

Thanks!

i4getsm

Just like the A's in our lives, you have to take recovery in your own time. For me, it was the loss of the dream (the white picket fence, front porch rocking kind of dream) more than my STBXAH. It's a grieving process. It's hard to let go especially if you've been in the relationship for awhile. When I was just getting out, I felt like I was worth nothing. Who would want to be with me? I'm old, got kids, set in my ways, grumpy ol' nag. KWIM? I believed that crap! I'm still working on getting my self esteem back. it sounds like that's where you are right now as well. Just keep working at it. Continue detaching and finding out about YOU. After awhile, you'll start to see that you are so much more than you might believe right now. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I'm not a lump of dirt either, ya know?

bookwyrm

Glad you finally spoke to someone! Well done for getting things out in the open.

I think I've seen your question in one shape or form in almost every post on this forum! I don't have an answer except that it just is!! Doing stuff for your own happiness just feels so wrong sometimes and I have a small unreasonable voice in the back of my head that whispers 'maybe this time will be different' to me too! :crazy

Keep venting and I hope things get easier as you get into your own recovery!

NeedHappiness

iluv, you aren't the only one who has problems with this. It took me over a year to finally muster up the courage. I asked my STBXAB to leave last Friday and he is still draggin his feet.
It's hard to give up on someone but you will reach a point where the hurt of staying outweighs the happiness you have. You will know when the time is right for you. Some of us take longer than others. I reached a point where every single day I was obsessed with thoughts of what he was doing, what I should do to help him, was he at work, will he drink tonight, etc.... I was feeling lost and helpless and overall a mess! One day, after he binged for over a week on vodka, something "snapped" in me and I decided that I am done! There was no crying or no changing my mind. The people here at SR and their stories helped me to realize that this behavior would never change until HE changes it. Nothing I do would ever MAKE HIM change. Sad but true.
I am still battling the guilt of leaving "the sinking ship" but there comes a point when you have to take care of yourself and stop trying to fix the A's problems.

I am so sorry you are battling this in your own heart but keep posting here at SR and connect with your HP daily. It really does help.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it is hard.

Lilyflower

Hi there iluvmygirlz,

Talking it out with someone is a great step forward! This whole thing can seem so ugly that we feel ashamed talking about it, but we really shouldn't be. Having someone around you who you can go to for a rest bite and who knows what is going on will be a huge benefit to you.

Good questions, but I cannot answer them for you as they are personal to you. What are your answers to these questions?

For me, I found it hard to end it because i still believed that there was alot of love in our relationship and that he was trying his best to overcome his addiction. After doing some work on me and beginning to understand about my codependancy and forms of abuse, I learnt that our relationship was not a loving one at all. It was abusive and I had just become accustomed to receiving abuse over the years of my life that I didn't realise that I was basically allowing myself to receive it. I didn't know any better.

It also become more clear as the fog cleared up that he wasn't giving his all to his recovery at all either, he was basically just pacifying me by stopping for a while or hiding it better.

I decided I deserved better and to know a healthy relationship, so I ended it.

I hope you find strength, how's about going to an al-anon meeting if you don't already? There you will find lots of support as you make these hard decisions and begin taking steps toward your recovery.

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

It took me around 6 months to get to the point where I was ready to take action and leave xAH. I knew it was over and that I wanted out but I couldn't do it until I got over some things such as seeing myself as a failure for wanting out of marriage number 2, as being ashamed that I had made such a bad choice in a spouse, etc. But I did get there and so will you in your own time.

juju

It is easier said than done, I'm sure.

Why are you still there? Maybe because you are a loving, strong, committed, compassionate person who sees the best in people.

Be strong.

LisaWayne

For me its about money. If I had $1500.00 more coming in each month.... hummmm. Opps sorry, just dreaming. Everyday I feel like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Skittish. Girlfriends tell me he'll have to pay child support. But the world is full of men who chose not to pay. I cant afford to take the kids and I wont leave them. I have nothing left for him so it's not about compassion or anything. I am an adult child of an alcoholic who became an alcoholic and married one. I got sober almost 15 years ago.. but have not worked on bridging the emotional development I missed when I was younger and later when I started drinking. I realized recently that I have to work on this if I am going to help my kids get through having 1 practicing alcoholic parent and 1 who isnt strong enough to take the chance at a better life for them, because she doesnt have the money to insure it wont be harder than staying... does that make any sence?

iluvmygurlz

LisaWayne,

It makes a lot of sense. Part of mine is a money situation too....I can't stay in the house and I LOVE my house. Would have to move in with my Mom for a bit and I really find that difficult to do. But I'm lucky I do have that alternative when/if I decide to leave.

You're situation sounds very difficult.....I'm so sorry for all your going through. I have no children (well, I do have 2 girls with LOTS of fur) and I can't even begin to imagine having that in the mix of this mess. I could never leave my children.

But be proud!!! You are 15 years sober! If you can do that you can do anything. Stay strong....sending you many hugs.

isitme

Just wanted to bump this up today, because it's how I'm feeling. Thought someone else might need it too.

Silverberry1331

This rings so true with me...For me, when I met my AH, he was a mess....he was going through a divorce, depressed, drunk...He would say: "All that I have ever wanted was someone to love me and have a family." CODIE to the rescue! As we moved forward into the relationship, I allowed myself to believe that we were living this life that I was creating. I now know that in actuality, he was drinking behind my back and never really did anything on his own for his recovery. No AA...no therapy...but very good at saying all the right things (like admitting he is an alcoholic). Since our schedules are different...it was easy for AH to drink, sleep it off, and present himself accordingly. However, eventually, the disease progresses so did the slides. The drinking became more apparent. I find myself obsessing all day long about where he is, what he is doing, who is he with! I find it hard to leave because I am afraid of the pain. I have guilt for abandoning him. I STILL try to rescue him, I guess. Maybe, I won't know what to do with all the peace if he is gone (strange isn't it?) We all stay for some reason. I am glad you are sharing with a friend. It helps. This site helps tremendously too. Keep us posted

iluvmygurlz

((((isitme, Silverberry1331))))

I'm hanging in there....things are ok right now. No drama. AH went back to detox and is in intensive outpatient. Also goes to 2 AA meetings a day. He has an appointment to do his 5th step next week. Is he completely sober? Nope. But he actually is starting to admit to me when he's had a drink. I NEVER thought that would happen. AND he has a second interview for a great job next week.

So for the time being I'm working on myself and enjoying my gardens and fur babies. I've become quite calm about it all....I really am starting to understand that I have absolutely no control over it. Whodathought??!!! I have no expectations...they've been dashed too many times. But as long as he's trying this hard I will wait and see how it goes and how I feel as I continue to improve.

Going out for a jog.....see, I told you I was working on me!!!!