Update

Old 07-02-2008, 04:55 AM
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Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
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Update

Being the co-dependent that I am I was right on the verge of letting him come back and then my gut was telling me something so I did some sleuthing and found out even MORE crap that's been going on so I immediately told him NEVERMIND it's over - I'm done. Of course, he's denying everything but it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't trust him at all.

I went to a therapy appt yesterday and got an ok from my doctor to up my meds for the time being to get me over this hump. I actually slept all night last night and am trying to stay busy.

I truly am crushed beyond belief but WILL NOT be giving him any more chances from here on out. I have no respect left for him and he is trying to "spin" his lies and turn everything around on me. I can NOT believe I've lasted this long with him and his manipulations. I feel used, hurt, and totally crazy right now.
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Old 07-02-2008, 05:10 AM
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Lovs,

Keep vigilant with yourself while you are in this positive, determined frame of mind, girl. He will keep trying to wear you down. I had to look myself in the mirror and say outloud, "You are never going to live like that again." This whole codie/addict thing has so many similarities, it is amazing. Like, an addict has to learn to separate himself from the drug and old familiar places and friends related to the drugs. He has to do a lot of self-work and maintenance type behaviors, every day, so that he does not have a slip or relapse. Above all, he must keep zero contact with his DOC, for fear of relapse and slipping back into those sad, painful days of using. I think that is why we all advise zero contact. Just the sound of our A's sorrowful voices can draw us back in during a weak moment. You are better off distancing yourself from your A, Lovtolaff. It is very empowering to realize that you have been used and you aren't going to take it anymore. Hang on to that!
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Old 07-02-2008, 05:19 AM
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Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
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He just called.....I love you "lovtolaff" and i said alright bye. So now I'm shaky and gaggy. My new mantra is HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. He knows it and I know it.

My therapist said that some people damage their "core" being and do not have a conscious like the rest of the world. I had asked her HOW can he lie to me like he does and not feel bad about it or sleep at night??? I truly believe he really is damaged.

Not once thru any of this has he said - I will quit drinking. He's only said I will cut back...and that NEVER happened. And he is STILL denying that he is back on coke/crack but I don't believe that for ONE second. I've never met anyone that lies like he does. He is a master crazy-maker that's for sure.
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Old 07-02-2008, 05:27 AM
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That "shaky and gaggy" feeling? That is your gut telling you this is a bad idea. You don't have to answer the phone, sweetie. You can take yourself out of there for a while and do some activity that is only ALL about YOU. Just answering the phone gives him the satisfaction that he is still in control, that nothing has changed, that it will only take a few more sweet, empty words from him to get you right back where he needs you to be so that he can continue his addiction. Think of it this way, with the whole "If nothing changes, nothing changes" mantra. Not only are you finally pulling yourself out of that vicious circle, you are letting him face the consequences of his own choices, and he will only have himself to blame when his addiction brings him more pain.

Hang tough! Put your hand palm out and say NO MORE.
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Old 07-02-2008, 05:57 AM
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LovToLaff it sounds as if you are ready to stop the codie/addict dance-

Sorry that you are going through so much pain right now! "This too shall pass"

Stay strong and keep yourself moving in the right direction-Be gentle with yourself
as it is ok to feel the way that you do however just remember we leave/end when
we are ready and we learn from things such as this or at least we hope too.

Please know that you are not alone and we are here to support you the best
we can.

I did the dance with my XABF for about 2 years all the while ignoring my gut! I
came to realize that was not a good choice for me-Today I no longer ignore
my gut or those small voices in my head that tell me "this is not a good choice"

I have this list and it really helped!

About Gut Feelings

Survival instincts we were born with
Their job is to keep us alive
They are personal to each individual
No need to compare as they may be opposite of someone else's gut feelings
What may be safe for you may not be for your friend, co-worker and vice versa
They are either good or bad (indifferent can be put in the good category)
You have them about every person, place and situation in your life
The key is to listen, feel, see and follow them when they are strongest
Following them always is a great idea but rarely done


Take care of you! Take a nice bubbly bath, go for a walk, do some fun things all
for YOU!

You deserve it!

P.S. Picking up the phone is only going to make it harder on you, just do not answer it sweets!
And when you are really ready although I never felt it fair you may want to change your
phone number. It brought a lot of peace to me!
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:04 AM
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heya lovetolaff-
you're sounding stronger! remembering all the bad stuff helps us stay the course when they try their sweet manipulaiton. Good to have a mantra that is simple and reminds you "He will never change."

Equally important to empower yourself with a mantra that is positive FOR YOU like,
"I now create a joyful, peaceful future." or "I am willing to grow and change." or "The past is gone, I am free in this moment."

Peace & good luck-
B.
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted by lovtolaff View Post
He just called.....I love you "lovtolaff" and i said alright bye. So now I'm shaky and gaggy. My new mantra is HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. He knows it and I know it.

My therapist said that some people damage their "core" being and do not have a conscious like the rest of the world. I had asked her HOW can he lie to me like he does and not feel bad about it or sleep at night??? I truly believe he really is damaged.

Not once thru any of this has he said - I will quit drinking. He's only said I will cut back...and that NEVER happened. And he is STILL denying that he is back on coke/crack but I don't believe that for ONE second. I've never met anyone that lies like he does. He is a master crazy-maker that's for sure.

The manipulation, selfishness, lies and so much more just come with this disease. I would assume there are very few addicts outthere that are truthful sincere people. They do what ever they can to get what they want. Stay strong.
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Old 07-03-2008, 04:33 AM
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Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
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Thanks to everyone for replying. I have my WEAK moments but I've got to stay strong. He texted yesterday wanting to "fix" this....there is NOTHING to fix in my opinion, other than himself.

I'm sad beyond belief. It hurts to know that I am just another one of his ways to get thru his addictive life. God that hurts. I have a bottomless pit in my stomach and can't eat or sleep.

I'm MAKING myself go camping with a large group of friends this w/end. Friends that were too "boring" for him to hang with and so we never went around them before and if we did he would end up embarrassing me to no end. It was always his friends that he wanted around and they weren't even really friends - they were fellow drinkers/druggies. I don't really want to go camping but my therapist and I thought it was a good idea to get myself out there and try to enjoy a good time without the usual worries I have when I'm with him. So I'm faking it till I can make it.

But I'll say it again...I'm hurting. A hurt that I've never felt in all my life. I wish I could fast forward through this pain but I know that is impossible so I'll cry when I need to and smile when I can.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 07-03-2008, 05:25 AM
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Curled up in a good book...
 
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Good for you. I hope you can put your pain to one side for a bit, let it go, and have a great time camping.
You deserve it!
:ghug3
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Old 07-03-2008, 05:30 AM
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It will be ggod for you just to get away and not have 2 worry about him.
You might even rediscover a bit of an appetite with all that fresh air.

I hope you have a lovely time XXX
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Old 07-03-2008, 05:34 AM
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Lovs,

There have several times in my life where I have had to follow your plan of "faking it till I make it" and it truly is the right path to take. Even if you don't have a great time, you are taking care of YOU and walking the walk that will get you to the other side. Take anything with you that you need to nurture yourself--good pillow, good book, good music, yummy food. Be grateful for the friends who support you and are including you in their weekend plans. Leave your cell phone off so that his texts don't interfere with the new life you are creating. Put a hand up to all possible "downers" that he might bring to your little vacation. You are doing just great, even if you aren't feeling it in your heart yet.
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