blah

after i broke up with my exabf... he goes and gets a haircut, polishes up his resume, and gets a real job! also is going to AA, therapy, seeing a MD, getting on medications, and amazingly, even said he's going to see a dentist.

part of that is our breakup, the other part is we broke up right after he got out of the hospital and the DRs told him he definitely could not drink anymore

on one hand i'm kind of hurt he never did any of that while we were together. on the other hand it's good he's doing those things for himself and also a relief for me that he didn't end up some crazy drunk bum on the streets as a result of me kicking him out.

and also in the back of my mind i'm also wondering if it's for real this time... or just one of his manic phases. he's probably bipolar and every once in awhile would get all his act together for a few months. then it would go back to the way it was.

who knows!

Barbara52

Hey, if he's turning his life around that a good thing, regardless of they whys behind it.

So how about you? How are you doing?

blah

me? hmmm... i'm going to the same good job i've had.

kinda quiet when i get home though

the apartment is cleaner than ever.

i guess i need to get a hobby or something

Barbara52

LOL Somehow I've never had that side effect.

FormerDoormat

Sorry to sound so cynical, but I know the drill. I've seen this before. The reason your ex is cleaning up his act, rewriting his resume, securing a new job, and polishing his image is likely more an attempt to attract a new codie than it is a serious effort to turn his life around.

Folks tend do what works best for them. What works best for active alcoholics in need of a new codie is to polish up their image, secure temporary employment, turn on the charm, and attract the next unsuspecting victim.

Just like he did to you....Remember? He's on a mission to secure a new codie. Once he's got a new codie firmly in place and firmly emeshed in his problems, then he'll be free to stop working, let his appearance go to pot, sit around the house watching TV all day while she does all the work, and drink himself into oblivion.

When you look at the situation from this perspective, it's not funny. It's sick.

Pajarito

Mine is also <sort of> doing these things. He's going to the dentist, running, working out, and took the other woman kayaking- which is amazing since I could not get him off the couch last summer. I try to remember what a piece of work he really is. He's verbally abusive with me, walked away from all responsibilities to me, our child and house. Is he prince charming? I don't think so. And whether he has fresh breath and no cavities, muscles and is in fabulous shape- he's a self- absorbed jerk. I can't imagine he can be that way with me and not with someone else. I agree with FD in my situation. Mine is looking for a woman who will stroke his ego and do everything he wants. Good luck with that one. . . I- on the other hand, am trying to focus on me and what I need to get healthy. I cannot imagine trying to date at this point.

Lilyflower

FD i think i have witnessed this!

My first abf (different from the fella who i post about here) I met when working at a bar. It was a bright sunny day and he was sitting outside having a drink and came in to chat with me. We ended up dating for two years before he ended it, telling me I deserved better.

I remember him telling me when we were dating that the day he met me, he had taken himself for a hair cut (which was really long) had a shave and a bath etc and told himself he was going out to find himself a girlfriend.

I should've seen the red flags then, but I remember thinking, ''ha ha ha, and you did find a girl too!'' - god I was soooo niaeve!

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

blah

i dont know if i agree with you but that is an interesting viewpoint.
he is supposedly going to therapy and AA and told me last week he has 35 days sober now so who knows right?

prodigal

Let me add my ES&H, because FD's post triggered a vivid memory for me, personally. My AH is drunk when he's not at work, which means every evening and all weekend he's blotto.

However .... when I met him, he was really "into" house-related projects in what is now our former home. We were just dating at the time. He would spend hours cooking gourmet meals, tending to his herb garden. Heck, he was still in the Army and doing a bang-up job as an engineer.

At that time, his wife had left him 2.5 years earlier and he had not yet glommed onto a new codie, since he had spent a year of that separation/divorce period on active duty in Kosovo.

Then mega-codie ME came on the scene. Yeah, his act was pretty much together and he looked GREAT. Worked out five days a week; ran at least 20 miles a week; into all sorts of home projects (as mentioned); had a secure job and nice home.

Today, that man is dead and gone. Guess when he checked out??? The day after we got married!!! Yep. That was pretty much it. Went back into his shell and retreated to the "fog of war."

Long time comin; long time gone ....

blah

so what happens when i get into a new relationship w/ someone else who's NOT an A?
they don't just stop working cause i am a codie, right?? haha

FormerDoormat

Actually, anyone who's had a history of taking advantage of others can and may attempt do that very thing, especially if they are aware that their partner will tolerate such behavior.

That's why it was important for me to change my behavior so I don't find myself in a similar situation in the future. I can't change an irresponsible, manipulative person who takes advantage of others into a winning partner, but I can change how I behave, what type of behaviors I will accept, and who I invite into my life.

The healthier I get, the easier it is for me to see the red flags waving that I previously either couldn't see or chose to ignore. Once I began to accept people for who they were and stopped trying to mold them into my vision of perfection, then those red flags that were once invisible started waving right before my eyes.

Lilyflower

Amen sister!!