shellygirl

my soon to be ex AH is passively controlling our lives and it has to stop. We were married for 20 years. I work for a school district and have been an active mom in our kids lives with a BA degree but took less pay to be home with the kids during and after school. AH left 2 years ago and has been cheating ever since although claiming he "just wants his family back" and wants to stop drinking but "its hard". I had a lawyer but couldn't afford her anymore. I'm ready to give him everything just to get out. He still makes sexual advances and claims he loves me and that it's my fault our family is not together. I'm beginning Grad school in the fall, I'm healing and if it wasn't for our kids (16 and 20) I wouldn't care about the house or any of the money. I know he is just refusing to settle to keep his control over me. I want to just walk away, detach and let go. I think it is the healthiest thing to do and have him give money directly to the kids in an account for college. I am healthy again and I need to let go of him...no one understands letting go of the money because they don't understand how horrible it is to live with this. I would like to know what you all think - those of you who do understand. Blessings to you all.

hadenoughnow

There should be no reason for you to give him everything, most states have mandated mediation. There are laws that govern property division and how long a divorce can take before you can get a default judgment. I would look for a better attorney.

I do understand what you mean about the control issues though, my STBX tries the same crap (insisting it's all my fault, trying to track where I am at all times) and says the same things but our divorce will be final next month regardless of what he wants.

Barbara52

I understand your frustration and willingness to walk away with everything. Sometimes its worth doing that. But before you go down that road, check out what is available to draw up a separation agreement and divorce. The courts generally will help an individual do it. You may be able to find an attorney to do it for less than you expect by looking at community resources or women's groups. Your state may have mediators available to work out sticking points.

I wrote up my separation agreement using an online service. They can give you the shell of an agreement where you fill in the required info and the other stuff you want in there. That may work for you.

I ended up giving xAH a bit more than I had to but it got the divorce done. I still may end up with nothing from our hosue together since the sale has not completed yet and foreclosure is still a possibility. But either way its ok with me. I am better off without him in my life in a great many ways. The money and things mean nothing to me anymore.

Good luck to you. You will get thru this.

peaceteach

I let go of a lot when I divorced my exAH. I understand completely the desire to just agree to whatever in order for the control/contact to stop. I also arranged for my ex to deposit our daughter's support directly in her account (she is a college student). I believe in no contact regarding myself, as any contact seems to give my ex (of nearly 4 years now) the idea he can just start calling me on a regular basis again for whatever.

Who is "everyone"? I am assuming well-meaning relatives, but I also know that none of my relatives had a clue how difficult it was living with my ex, and I'm sure yours don't either. It is so hard to stand up to a once-in-control spouse after years of living in that environment. Congratulations on finding your inner strength and knowing you are an intelligent, strong woman! Trust YOUR gut on the right decision for you. Perhaps give Hadenoughnow's idea by making sure you have thoroughly investigated any free resources in your community. Maybe talk with a woman's shelter for tips, names of people to contact, etc. Good luck, Shellygirl, in this new life you are experiencing. I love being free of my controlling, manipulating ex!