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Old 06-26-2008, 10:34 AM
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DII
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I'm Back....

Back writing on this forum......didn't think I'd be here again. My wife moved back into the house and has been sober for 10 months after her first DUI. She was doing so well, we were doing so well. I come back from a two day business trip and the old A is back. Why? Don't know but the codie comes back as quickly as the A. The smell, the way she sleeps, puffy eyes all that is back. It's been two days and I haven't said a thing yet. You start feeling comfortable and you let you guard down and your A back into your life. It kills me. At first I doubted myself but I know! We all know!

Well, any advice on approaching her?

I need you guys....
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Old 06-26-2008, 10:38 AM
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Don't know but the codie comes back as quickly as the A.
Isn't that the truth? That's why I visit here often.

Any advice on approaching her?
Don't bother, it's a waste of time.
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Old 06-26-2008, 10:51 AM
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Sorry its going this way. The only thing I can ask is what are you going to do for yourself? What are your boundaries and what are you willing to do if they are violated?
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Old 06-26-2008, 11:31 AM
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I know the feeling.. today is my first day back in a while after getting out of my A marriage of 12 years... back in to it with another bf.. I'm such a codie.. Wish I wasn't.. but just like you said it comes back as quickly as the A.


Is your A currently in counseling of some sort? Do you think this is something that this is a 'one' time slip that the counseling will help?

If you're going to approach her, you're going to have to know what your boundaries are and be prepared to stand by them. Otherwise, it's useless.

Good luck. Hope to hear a great update.
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Old 06-26-2008, 01:15 PM
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Heya DII--
Bummer.
When you say approaching her what do you mean? You want to make a statement like, "I know you've been drinking." You can do that naturally, just remember, no expectations! If you're hoping to get a certain "response" from her, as you already know and FD said, don't waste your time.

Or is there some boundary you had set in place that now you need to enforce?

Is she working a program? Does she have a sponsor? Or a counselor/therapist?

Are you? Do you?

Hope you find some peace of mind tonight!
Peace,
B.
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Old 06-26-2008, 01:16 PM
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Bummer to hear about your wife relapsing. But they say relapse is part of recovery. I hope she sobers up and I hope you guys can move past this.

Advice on approaching her? Well she knows she screwed up, you don't need to remind her. Only thing is if it continues you will need to have a plan just in case.
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Old 06-26-2008, 09:34 PM
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DII
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Thanks All......I've been down this road so many times. The last sober period came after being out of the house for 8 months and a DUI. She really worked her program and court issues counseling. Probably a dozen recovery and relapses. She's 2 months short of getting her license back. I never see it coming. What I never get used to is the dance of denial. She knows I know and yet we always take 2-3 weeks before she even admits it. My A doesn't just relapse....she's a drink till she gets so bad she needs detox. I know what to do....just hate doing it. This is hardest on the boys....18 and 15.
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Old 06-27-2008, 01:59 AM
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Are you ever going to get just tired of this and let her pick up her own pieces? Sounds like she is one lucky A to have you. I don't mean this in a sarcastic way either. Just wondering how you keep your chin up...
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Old 06-27-2008, 07:42 AM
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What I never get used to is the dance of denial.
Takes two to tango.
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Old 06-27-2008, 11:12 AM
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DII
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Yeah......really though my boundries and her recovery were working. I have some hard decosions to make. I know.......
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Old 06-27-2008, 03:13 PM
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DII, I am so sorry. I am an alcoholic and can not imagine picking up again and my husband not saying anything *faint*
Without confrontation can you just comment that "it looks like she did not do well while you were gone and it looks like she needs some support. Maybe she should call..(sponsor? sober friend? therapist? AA Central?)"
I wish you the very best. It was so good for me to see this today. A reminder that I owe recovery every last bit of effort and energy I have, for me AND my family.
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Old 06-28-2008, 09:36 AM
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Thanks TTOSBT. Well yesterday I sent her two text messages while I was at work. I knew she would read them. "What are you going to do?" and "Do not get into your car while you are drinking". She took 2 hours but returned the messages acknowledging that she had been drinking. We traded a few more messages and I told her that she needed to get back to work on her recovery. The funny thing is that I could tell for the last few weeks that she had backed away from her AA meetings and counseling....suprise. When I got home last night she was in bed. I asked her what her plans were and she said she had reached out to her sponsor and would be meeting with her today. I asked her when she last drank and she said 8:00am. She was still drunk and it was 5:00pm. She starts to cry and go to the same line "I'm so sorry, I wish I could be a different....", I stopped her because I am SO tired of the story and tears. It's very hard to keep your emotions in check with an A. You get so mad when they relapse and lie and it is so hard to switch to compassion and support when they are truly working on their recovery. In the back of your mind you question whether they are really working on recovery or not or that they will ever recover? It's the tough decision we all have to make. When is enough enough? We all loved our A once, whether it was before or after the disease took hold. Kids and the plans you make for life complicate things. She got up this morning and went to work.....we'll see how things go today.

Thanks for all the support!
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Old 06-28-2008, 09:46 AM
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Welcome back DII and Ayers!!

Sorry to hear things have taken a step backward DII, and not for the first time either?? So to reinstate what others have said, how much more of your energy are you going to put into this dance /merry-go-round??

SR will be here forever and a day for you to call back each time something goes wrong, but all the support offered here can do no good for you in the long run if you still participate in the madness with a person who cannot commit to her recovery.

How many times will she and you need to relapse before you want out of the cycle of abuse? - She abusing herself with alcohol, and you abusing yourself by giving in to your codie ways? It takes a great amount of inner strength and commitment to break the pattern of abuse we do onto ourselves, to take a step back and say, no matter how hard and difficult it gets, I will not take myself back down that path. Sounds asif she is not ready to do that, are you??

I wish you serenity
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-28-2008, 10:30 AM
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Hi DII

Did your wife actually meet up with her sponsor ?
If so, I hope that helped.

So many here have had a lot more experience than me with not being codependant anymore.....I don't know what I can add to what's been said other than I hope this is your wife's last relapse.
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Old 06-29-2008, 10:27 AM
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Here's the latest. I don't know about all of you but relapses make me distant from my A. I really don't want to be in the same room, talk to her or touch her. So, we spent the day in the same house but separated. We both jump right back into our relapse roles, me distant and her sad and vulnerable. So this morning she wakes up and tells me she is going to an AA meeting. I tell her it's a good idea. She starts "pity me" speech and I stop her. I ask her a few simple questions. What was happening when you decided to take the drink? Her answer....I'm not sure. Did you try and reach out to anyone to stop you from taking the drink.....No. This is her pattern for the last 4 years! She has never been able to answer those two questions any other way. It is MADNESS. We are usually doing great...actually too great. I have come to be a little paranoid when things seem to be doing their best is usually when she relapses. My therapist says that when an A is having seemingly no problems that it is a sign that they are over compensating for something they are struggling with. I think that is true in my case. The most annoying and indefensible part of all of this is she went right back to drinking.....and driving! She had a DUI....is i month short of completing her court issued counseling and she drinks and drives! I told her this morning to think about that. You are going to kill someone and go to jail....you have a serious problem if that doesn't keep you sober!

Well the ranting helps me and I appreciate the feedback. SR let's me know I am not alone.....and that helps a lot!

Later....
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Old 06-29-2008, 11:48 AM
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DII, sounds a lot like what I went through with my xah. He would be ok for a little while but would always relapse just when I started to let my guard down. He did a lot of drinking and driving. In February, he had a head-on collision with a mini-van carrying a family of four. He was drunk and crossed the center line. Thank God no one was killed but they were all injured. Now he is facing multiple felonies and a world of trouble. For me it was the ultimate wake-up call. I filed for divorce the next day and left him to deal with the consequences of his actions. Just a cautionary tale from my perspective. Best of luck with everything and my heart goes out to you. R.
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:12 AM
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all the support offered here can do no good for you in the long run if you still participate in the madness with a person who cannot commit to her recovery.
Amen!
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:34 AM
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DII,

My AH had 24 days till last night. He's got a new trick now. Before, he'd wait till I went to bed, and tell me he was going to stay up until his Benadryl kicked in. He takes Benadryl because he says he can't sleep from the alcohol withdrawal. So, he'd get tanked and then stumble into bed later. Less chance of me ruining his buzz that way.

Lately, I've been staying up later. It's summer, it's just a cycle. I'm not intentionally staying up later because of him, I just watch tv, get online, talk to my relatives on the west coast on the phone, etc. So, last night, I was talking to my bro in California and he kept coming in and pretending to fix the tv for me, or to pick up my bowls, or just basically be a nuisance. His cravings must have been super strong. I didn't realize he was intentionally trying to annoy the hell out of me so that I'd get off the phone, but it worked. Then he said he was going to bed and asked if I was too. Yep, so we went to sleep..... or so I thought.

I woke up at midnight and used the bathroom. Went to the kitchen to get a drink of water and saw him googly eyed in the recliner. So now he thinks we'll go to bed together and then he'll get up and get his buzz on.

Whatever. I'm not going to tell you what you need to do in terms of drastic changes. For this very second though, I'm going to simply tell you that last night I didn't say anything and went back to bed. My mind attempted to take off like a horse out of the gates, but I reigned it back in. Reminded myself that this is his problem, not mine. I'm deserving of sleep and I wasn't going to lose it because of his decision. I paid attention to my pulse and kept my thoughts to a minimum and I went back to sleep.

Don't let yourself get caught up in the drama. Whether you decide to divorce her today or 10 months from now, or whenever, keep your sanity right now. You deserve it. Don't lose it. Pay attention to where your mind goes when she's drinking, and talk yourself down.
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by respektingme View Post
DII,

Whatever. I'm not going to tell you what you need to do in terms of drastic changes. For this very second though, I'm going to simply tell you that last night I didn't say anything and went back to bed. My mind attempted to take off like a horse out of the gates, but I reigned it back in. Reminded myself that this is his problem, not mine. I'm deserving of sleep and I wasn't going to lose it because of his decision. I paid attention to my pulse and kept my thoughts to a minimum and I went back to sleep.
Sounds like a good way to handle that situation to me. We all know words won't change it, don't we?
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