Ayers1995

Hi.. I'm Dawn. It's been a while since I've posted anything. I've been divorced from my XAH for a year now. (seperated a year b4 that)... Things have been going great for me and my 3 boys. I enjoy my freedom and being able to enjoy my life and make decisions on my own without a sinking feeling in my gut that used to remain there.

I'm here again today.. b/c I have found myself in another unhealthy relationship...!! I've read about this--didn't think I'd chose someone that drank quit so much again..same patterns as the X. Wow.. I am smart enough to know better and do know that I won't go any deeper (moving in..marriage) in this relationship. He's a nice guy...great with my kids - but he passes out every NIGHT.

I know this isn't the relationship for me - or my kids. Why is it so hard to call it quits??

Dawn...

miss communicat

Hi Dawn

Its hard to call it quits because you've formed bonds with him. Its like the alcoholic not wanting to call it quits with his/her best friend alcohol.

Its a process of reckoning. If the pain outweighs the pleasure, or if the costs outweigh the benefits of this relationship, you will find your answer.

Bernadette

Hiya Ayers!
Well it's so hard to call it quits because you haven't changed.
Once YOU really change and heal those parts of yourself that got you into the first alcoholic/codependent dynamic you will attract and be attracted by different types of men!

It's a process. Don't beat yourself up. It doesn't mean you're stupid, or anything like that. It just means that these unconscious emotional needs we have are very very powerful, so powerful they override our "rational" mind.

You've made some progress in that you can see you are not going to marry or move in with this guy. That IS a good sign.

Are you talking to a therapist or counselor or attending Alanon? I can see you have your hands full w/ 3 boys, but can you make some time just for you to be working on changing yourself? It won't happen by itself, it demands attention and some deliberate behavior change.....

It's also good you see this isn't the relationship you want your kids learning. Try to break the dynamic! For their sake.

Peace and good luck and prayers!!
B.

Ayers1995

That is so true. I worked so hard to change..read read read!!! I knew from the beginning that I was overlooking signs and I tried to pull away and not get involved... The truth is.. my attractions have changed -- that's why I knew better.

I am not still seeing my counselor. I need to and I definately need to get the boys back in there. Thanks for the good luck and prayers. I need them and they appreciated.

i4getsm

I'm nervous about this very same thing. As my therapist says I "need to get my picker fixed". Even though you've gotten on the road to recovery and are at some point recognizing the signs that this person may not be right for you, it sounds like it might be time to work on "seeing" those signs sooner and acting on them rather than ignoring them until they become BIG red flags. Make sense?

Ayers1995

Makes alot of sense!

Barbara52

It sounds to me as if you are ready to move into the next stage of your personal journey. You're doing ok. Remember progress not perfection.

Janitw

Alcoholics can be so charasmatic and us codies get sucked in every time.....don't beat yourself up .... just refresh yourself with what you already know and deal with it..

Jazzman

I think relapse is part of recovery. I know I relapsed a year ago. I keep coming back from time to time to check in, read up and get some strength.

Just keep your head around what's best for your kids, even if it means being alone for a bit. I'm alone but I'm not lonely... and my kids are in not around an unhealthy partner of mine... except a spoiled rotten Jack Russell

Ayers1995

I think I've finally gotten to be ok with being alone for a bit. I just need to toughen up!

Kindeyes

After divorcing my axh, I dated a cocaine addict and thought I was so very in love with him. I overlooked this bad little habit. Funny. He broke it off with ME........after his 3rd or 4th dui, he called me and told me about it and promptly broke up with me saying "You don't need this." I was devastated. Once again, 20/20 hindsight is perfectly clear. What a HUGE favor he did for me!

It takes a while to get it right. Just remember that sometimes we have to kiss a lot of frogs to finally find our prince.

Keep working it!

sailorjohn

I'm told-or read-that there is a sort of comfort in the familiar, even when the familiar is very painful. It is, after all, what we are used to. I've also read that "we are attracted to what we are" In my case, I am attracted to, and attract, needy women with very serious addiction/abuse issues. The good news. They tell me that if I really work on myself, I will no longer attract/be attracted to unhealthy people. So for now, and I shouldn't put a short date on it, I need to work on myself. Which means staying out of relationships. Period.

lizw

And as far as I know I keep picking them because like another has mentioned, they are familar. They are comfortable. They are my Dad, just in a different form.

And I suffer from the illusion that I am missing a part of me. A part my head tells me, a partner will fix. NOT. It's all a load of garbage and most importantly it is not true but until maybe 8 months ago, I couldn't even identify that. I am unsure I could even put how I felt into words.

I'm slowly learning that getting 'excitment or entertainment' from realtionships is not very healthy. Dunno if it will ever change, but I have been told awareness (about myself) must come first, before something can be changed.

Ayers1995

I will agree that I enjoy having someone to spend time with and bring new and different things in to mine and the boys life. This is my problem! I am very good at entertaining myself and being content...but want someone to participate and will usually settle even if I know they have issues.

The guy is super sweet and loving to both me and the boys..and that's the first time anyone has had anything to do with them. I believe one of the biggest reasons I over look things...



I spent a year working on myself...it's rough. I've spent the next year slipping back in to the codie ways.

lizw

This word in your post really stood out for me. Made me ask myself do I settle for less? I have thought about it for the last 24hrs.

And I think my answer is I have been wading through all my stuff (which becomes apparent when I get into relationships or meet someone) is so I can be happy on my own, rather than 'be well enough' to have a healthy relationship.

My focus is on me and my own life now, not on how/when I can add a partner to it, so there is no settling as there is no expectation I will meet someone.

I also wanted to say it's great you've reconginsed this stuff so early, so you don't have to go in boots and all!!!

Ayers1995

Hi Lizw - Settling is a tough word when it comes to our lives, expectations and our children.. It's alot to think about.

I'm always looking for something. I'm not sure what that is. If it's someone.. something.. I've always got to be busy... and if I am in a relationship - I do think about my 'whole' happiness and not just that moment.. or I try very hard to.

This relationship I am in now... seems to be very similar to my marriage. Hes a great - very sweet endeering guy...but he's also very moody and irritable if things don't go his way.

I haven't jumped out in boots and all.. but I haven't pulled back enough yet either.

Today, I was invited to go to an Astro's game with a bunch of coworkers. I will be back before kids are out of daycare and people are off of work.. and I caught some grief over that. WTHeck!

Anyway -- I'm ranting now. sorry...