ajangels2

Good Morning everyone,

I recently posted a thread regarding my situation with my AH. We have been separated for two weeks now. I thank each of you who responded in helping me see that this separation can be a good thing especially with my new baby on the way and the boys.

Last night AH had asked me to come to counseling to hopefully smooth things over between us. My first question was what has changed for you that you now want to work on things? Well that set the whole mood going south. He felt I had this attitude about it was hurt and angry. Long story short we are not ready to reconcile and agreed he would stay out of the home.

Later we went to Chili's to grab coffee but instead he had a mixed drink. He has not drank in front of me for over a year. He downed two in 20 minutes and I did not say anything. I finished my coffee and called it a night. He tried like heck to pick a fight in the restaraunt... everything I said was a point of aggravation for him. He looked so perplexed and so angry about our situation... I am watching him fall apart and all he can do is drink.

So my question do I make the drinking an issue? or do I just stay on the same path with living my own life, keeping him out of the home etc. He is in such an unhealthy place and I feel like if I make it an issue now saying you can't see the kids... then I've got more stress and drama on my plate. He's an A he's going to drink until he finds the strength within himself to drag his butt to a meeting. The drinking becomes an issue if he does it in front of my kids; which at this point I don't even want him driving my kids around. He's made bad choices before and I don't want to get them involved with this mess. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
aj

Barbara52

Yes and no. I wouldn't comment on it except in terms of what boundaries you want to set concerning his conduct arounf the children. Have you talked with an attorney about getting a formal separation agreement where you may be able to specify conditions concerning no drinking around the kids? Other than that, I would not comment on his drinking. Nothing you say is going to change anything anyway.


Yes, it may add stress but you will be protecting your children.

Bernadette

I agree w/ B52-- speaking with a lawyer is always a good idea. And you cannot completely avoid the stress, I mean you've made a major change and for an alcoholic any disruption of the old routine is baffling and infuriating (remember - NOTHING gets in the way of their drinking). And this change is very stressful for you!! Don't let him own all the stress!!

As best you can, just try to keep your own "rational" hat on and not get sucked into any of his dramatic reactions. I've always found keeping my tone very matter-of-fact, using few words, "I" statements, etc. helps me not get sucked in no matter how ugly my brothers' reactions can get.

It's hard. But, honestly, you are doing so good- just that he drank in front of you and tried to pick fights and you didn't take any of that bait is showing real strength and progress!!! Thumbs up!

I mean, there could be no dramatic or emotional thing he could say to convince you to leave children with him if it is unsafe (driving!!?? oh la la). So as long as you continue to know and trust your boundaries and do what is right and safe for you and your children you will grow in your capacity to handle whatever comes your way.

Progress, not perfection!
Peace,
B.

ajangels2

I have not spoken to an attorney yet... neither of us has the money to afford an attorney and I am in the middle of filing a Bankruptcy so that takes a huge chunk of money as well. Is this something I can file myself?

Bernadette

I don't know - I'm sure the bankruptcy laws vary from state to state. Ugh, all that stuff is so time consuming and wearying. Courage ajangels!!!

Sometimes you can get free legal advice - like a one-time ask a bunch of questions deal. Maybe nose around your city, county or state websites. Call legal aid or check the Nat'l Org. for Women (NOW) website they might have some links for free or lo-cost legal aid for women...good luck.

Stay strong!
Peace,
B.

i4getsm

Ask friends/coworkers if they recommend a divorce attorney. (Odds are pretty good that someone you know has used one before. ) Most lawyers will meet with you the first time for free. It would be good to have some sort of documentation between you so that you know a) when he'll see the kids and how (aka no drinking, no driving while drinking, etc.) and b) how much child support you'll get while not together. We all believe that our A's will do what's right and help us but once things go south, that can quickly change.

Hang in there. I was in your exact shoes two months ago, and my world has completely changed (in a good way) since he left. Once you get past the anger and decide that you aren't going to let them control you like that anymore, it really does get easier. You could certainly try counseling with him, but don't let him guilt trip you about the being angry part. You have every right to feel what you want to...just like he does.

Barbara52

There are also all sorts of web sites that can help you draw up separation agreements and let you do your own divorce. I used one for my separation agreement.

Also, ask your bankruptcy attorney how the bankruptcy could affect anything.

ajangels2

Thank you all for the great suggestions. I will try and get him to put something in writing about the child support he is already giving a bit of a hard time and I know his job is inconsistent but the kids still need to maintain their lives. Suprisingly my anger is fading some already... he is the one that is still hanging on to it.

I will look to see what resources are in my area. Blessings to all.
AJ