Newcomer - need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
Newcomer - need help
hi all. i am so happy i found this site. carol has been so helfpul. reading some of your posts have been so helpful.
my husband is an alcoholic. this is so new to me. i don't know how to handle living life with a recovering alcoholic. he'll have a good week then relapse. how do couples get through this and not fall apart? i'm scared. scared that this might be too hard...not feeling very strong right now.
he needs me to be his rock. his cheerleader. but it's so hard sometimes when i only feel angry. but i know i shouldn't be angry. he needs me to be patient. to be tolerant. to be supportive and not create more stress than what he alrady has to deal with. he not only has to worry about not drinking but all the issues of growing up as a child of alcoholic parents.
any thoughts would be appreciated. thanks.
my husband is an alcoholic. this is so new to me. i don't know how to handle living life with a recovering alcoholic. he'll have a good week then relapse. how do couples get through this and not fall apart? i'm scared. scared that this might be too hard...not feeling very strong right now.
he needs me to be his rock. his cheerleader. but it's so hard sometimes when i only feel angry. but i know i shouldn't be angry. he needs me to be patient. to be tolerant. to be supportive and not create more stress than what he alrady has to deal with. he not only has to worry about not drinking but all the issues of growing up as a child of alcoholic parents.
any thoughts would be appreciated. thanks.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Do you and your husband work your own programs?
I do not understand why you have to be "the rock" No matter how you incourage him it is still his dission to drink or to stay sober. If I were you( and I am, trust me) go to a allanon meeting and start working on things that you need to, lean on people there to help guied you in the direction you need to be. We as co dependents can not be "The Rock" it is not our job,our alcholic needs a program, that will be his rock.
Just my opinion.
Kermmie
I do not understand why you have to be "the rock" No matter how you incourage him it is still his dission to drink or to stay sober. If I were you( and I am, trust me) go to a allanon meeting and start working on things that you need to, lean on people there to help guied you in the direction you need to be. We as co dependents can not be "The Rock" it is not our job,our alcholic needs a program, that will be his rock.
Just my opinion.
Kermmie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya dcusa!
welcome and (((hugs)))
he needs me to be his rock. his cheerleader. but it's so hard sometimes when i only feel angry. but i know i shouldn't be angry. he needs me to be patient. to be tolerant. to be supportive and not create more stress than what he alrady has to deal with. he not only has to worry about not drinking but all the issues of growing up as a child of alcoholic parents.
OK that's a lot of HIS NEEDS and what HE NEEDS you to do. What do you need? What can you give to yourself that will increase your own mental health and your own recovery?
Also if he is sober and then relapsing repeatedly he is not a "recovering alcoholic" that sounds like active addiction wreaking it's typical havoc.
And why shouldn't you be angry? You have every right to be angry if you have been riding the roller-coaster of alcoholism. You may find you are angry at him, the disease, or yourself, but anger is pretty natural and should be paid attention to, not stuffed.
Can you try an AlAnon meeting? Regardless of what your husaband "needs," YOU need to focus on YOU and getting yourself some tools through AlAnon would be a great first step! Or counseling/therapy? It's great you are here and reading around this site will help you a lot. Keep seeking help - it'll change YOUR life!!
Peace,
B.
welcome and (((hugs)))
he needs me to be his rock. his cheerleader. but it's so hard sometimes when i only feel angry. but i know i shouldn't be angry. he needs me to be patient. to be tolerant. to be supportive and not create more stress than what he alrady has to deal with. he not only has to worry about not drinking but all the issues of growing up as a child of alcoholic parents.
OK that's a lot of HIS NEEDS and what HE NEEDS you to do. What do you need? What can you give to yourself that will increase your own mental health and your own recovery?
Also if he is sober and then relapsing repeatedly he is not a "recovering alcoholic" that sounds like active addiction wreaking it's typical havoc.
And why shouldn't you be angry? You have every right to be angry if you have been riding the roller-coaster of alcoholism. You may find you are angry at him, the disease, or yourself, but anger is pretty natural and should be paid attention to, not stuffed.
Can you try an AlAnon meeting? Regardless of what your husaband "needs," YOU need to focus on YOU and getting yourself some tools through AlAnon would be a great first step! Or counseling/therapy? It's great you are here and reading around this site will help you a lot. Keep seeking help - it'll change YOUR life!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
What you posted could have come straight out of Beattie's landmark book on codependency, Codependent No More. Get a copy of the book and start discovering YOURSELF.
Give Al-Anon a try. It is suggested you attend six meetings before deciding whether or not you think it will work for you. Attend some open AA meetings.
You mentioned your husband is "recovering" but has relapses. Is he in AA? Is he working any type of program to maintain sobriety? Is he seeing a counselor? Has he been through a rehab program?
By being his rock, his cheerleader, and his supporter you are doing one thing, and one thing alone: enabling. He has to find the inner strength within himself to maintain sobriety. He owns his addiction. He owns his recovery. Both items are on HIS side of the street; not your's.
You are trying to "fix" somebody else and it's wearing you down. It is also generating anger. And THAT is on your side of the street and that is what YOU own. Start working on what you need and allow him to discover for himself what he needs in order to get sober and stay sober.
Give Al-Anon a try. It is suggested you attend six meetings before deciding whether or not you think it will work for you. Attend some open AA meetings.
You mentioned your husband is "recovering" but has relapses. Is he in AA? Is he working any type of program to maintain sobriety? Is he seeing a counselor? Has he been through a rehab program?
By being his rock, his cheerleader, and his supporter you are doing one thing, and one thing alone: enabling. He has to find the inner strength within himself to maintain sobriety. He owns his addiction. He owns his recovery. Both items are on HIS side of the street; not your's.
You are trying to "fix" somebody else and it's wearing you down. It is also generating anger. And THAT is on your side of the street and that is what YOU own. Start working on what you need and allow him to discover for himself what he needs in order to get sober and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by dcusa 
he needs me to be his rock. his cheerleader. but it's so hard sometimes when i only feel angry. but i know i shouldn't be angry. he needs me to be patient. to be tolerant. to be supportive and not create more stress than what he alrady has to deal with. he not only has to worry about not drinking but all the issues of growing up as a child of alcoholic parents.
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