gatordude

Fiance is currently in rehab center, doing apparently fine. Prior to her spiral down, we were pretty inseperable. As a child of an alcoholic, I was able to tolerate her drinking as she did it because compared to my mother, she was what I call a "happy" drunk. It was easy to look after her for the most part. Because of my childhood baggage from my mother, I've got a myriad of the family member issues relative to isolation, insecurity, and excellent enabling skills. I'm excited for her that she's recognized what my mother never could and decided to do something about it. I know that she needs the camaraderie and support of her new friends, but I can see that it will mean substantially less "us" time and while I know from everything I see that is what she'll need to stay sober, as much as I can understand it logically, emotionally, I feel adrift, isolated, and alone without that significant part of her that was a part of my life. Would love coping suggestions if you have them, although I'm starting to sense I may need therapy if I'm to personally survive in this relationship with a woman I love so much.
I've heard the "trite" remarks about If you love her, you'll just let her do what she needs to do. I get that logically....my request is for advice on how to fill the hole now created in mine. Thanks!

cem001

Find an Al-Anon group to become a part of for yourself.

GiveLove

Hi gator,

I know how you're feeling. My ABF and I were bound at the hip, very close, and it was mostly because we had both suffered terrible childhoods and "got" each other. So when that relationship changed, I suffered greatly.

I tried lots of different things, but the thing that gave me the biggest "bang for the buck" was getting into some counseling with a therapist that understood adult children of alcoholics. It was like going to a gym for my spirit. He gave me very specific things to work on, in small doses, so I could start feeling independent and strong again. Well, not "again" because I never had. But it helped me more than I could ever explain.

There were other helpful things, like doing inner work every day around my own life's goals and dreams (independent of any "other" in my life), working through Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet: Ten Daily Practices for a Happier Life," and reading a lot on codependency, including "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. A lot of us ACoAs are deeply, deeply codependent, and this book gave me lots of daily tools for changing my gut reactions to things, so that others' actions (like your fiance's) no longer controlled my happiness. It literally changed my life.

Wishing you luck!
GL

kay1234

If that is what she needs to stay sober then I would encourage it. It may mean less "us" time but while she is working on her recovery use that time to work on you.

My husband spends a lot of time working on his recovery, He attends two meetings a week sometimes three, as well as spending 1-2 nights a week with his sponsies. But, I know that if he did not do this work, things as I know it would be so much different. In fact we may not even be together today. So, I look at the program of AA as a blessing...Everything will turn out it is hard to get used to someone not being around as much, but at least they are around...just support her and things will work out.

Barbara52

Take this time to work on your own issues. You seem to recognize you have them. Believe me, working on yourself will improve your life regardless of how your ABF does or does not due.

Start reading about codependency. I'm sure you will be amazed at how the books are talking about you.

Kindeyes

One of the things that was emphasized in my son's treatment center was the importance of the family members to work on their own recovery. They said that when everyone is "on the same page" and everyone understands the process of recovery (both as an alcoholic and as a co-dependent) the prospects for a sucessful relationship are greatly increased. When one is learning and growning and changing and the other is not, the chances of the relationship failing are far greater.

I have found that working on my own recovery has not only helped me emensely but I do believe that it ultimately will help my son. I use what I have learned in my recovery in my daily life as so much of it applies to ALL of our relationships and human interactions!

I might also recommend Melody Beattie's book "The Co-dependent's guide to the 12 steps."

gentle hugs

gatordude

Thanks a lot for the insights. Since posting this a couple of hours ago, I've ordered like 3 Melodie Beattie books from Amazon.com and am searching for Codependent's Anon meeting near where I live, unfortunately they're not as widespreadly available as Alanon meetings. The crazy thing is I intellectually "get it" relative to all these things, but I guess I'm so scarred from my childhood that my internal emotional triggers are immune to the application of logic, because being getting cutoff from my fiance is chewing me up inside, no denying that. Thanks for the insights and wish me luck on this new journey.

Mair

Good luck on your journey gatordue, Codependant No More is an excellent book. Keep posting here it will help you more than you will imagine.

Mair

TDinATL

My 2 cents, FWIW.

I'm 4 months into separation and pending divorce with my alcoholic wife. I've tried EVERYTHING others have told me to keep my mind going well. Stay busy, they say. Well I have church and church groups on Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday, a hobby club in Wednesdays and I do dinner with friends and hang out most Fridays - not to mention that I do woodworking as a hobbby as well. With all that in there, my house is still just me and my dog when the day ends, and it gets lonely - no matter how busy the other times are.

My point??? I'm realizing I've got to work on me and my issues. Forgiving some hurts and learning to view relationships differently, I need to be a better me - for me. I can't fill that in with busy time, no matter how hard I try.

Peace and blessings,

TD

lizw

For myself one of the biggest things I have had to face is that happiness which is dependent on another person is bound to fail. If I want to feel happy, I've had to find activites that bring me happiness. I.e. writing, walking my dog, watching films etc.. More recently I've joined a public speaking group too. OMG!! I can't beleive it either.

I'm a member of AA and Al Anon and I came from a family where both my parents blamed their unhappiness on each other. "If only your mother was more blah blah." "If only your father didn't blah blah." I got the message that the most important thing in my life should be a relationship and that the other party ought to feel the same way. Recently I read somewhere that when two hearts beat as one, it usually means one is dead.

This kind of stuff doesn't go away overnight but it has to start somewhere and it sounds like it is starting for you. I feel like I ought to say congrats too because you're about to met the most important person in your life: YOU.

needtolearn

I LOVED this comment. It took me being in therapy, and discovering the "real me" to learn that I'm so much more than just my "labels". And I hate it when people take aspects of my history, or personality and try to label me. Even my therapist does it sometimes, they try to sum me up with a label, or by an experience. I'm learning that I'm not a one-dimensional person; I very complex and deep, that's how God made me. For so long, it was "abused" out of me, but I'm embracing it, and learning to love all the textures of my personality, talents, quirks, etc.

Don't want to just make this about me; I hope the original poster grows to learn and love the "real" them, not the "them" they've been labeled as. I think we can carry labels around, like an old, nasty, ratty security blanket.