Need advice and ESH

Old 06-22-2008, 08:12 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Need advice and ESH

I am going through a divorce from AH. The isms of his alcoholism are running rampant and harming the kids, especially my youngest, age 10. On Monday evening he set up a hard situation as he had a hungry and tired 10 year old going throught the crisis of divorce and feeling her father has been abandoning her in favor of his new girlfriend and her older sibling. This child has been having tantrums at his home which he blames on her. Everything is her fault, or my fault since I am "inflaming the situation" as he puts it. I am following her therapists advice which is to be honest with her when she asks.

For example she recently said, "Mom do you think Dad meant what he said?" I replied, "What is your gut telling you?" In which she said she thought it was a story. I replied, "Listen to your gut". I also tell her dad is very sick with alcoholism, the 3 c's, etc. So, the truth is inflaming from his sick point of view.

Anyway, on Monday he started feeding her at 9:30 PM and then sat down to watch TV. She and sibling got into it at bath time because older sib wouldn't give her privacy. She tried to handle it on her own at first and then went to dad for help. He wouldn't which she perceived to be favoring her sister and she fell into a tantrum while wrapped in a towel. Dad manhandled her into the tub and yelled at her, "If you don't like it here get your G*d-d*mn sh1t out of here and leave." She is 10 years old and devasted by the divorce, his other recent poor behavior and now this. She called me at that time and asked me to get her. He refused to talk and slammed the door in our faces while I went home with a hysterical child.

She has since refused to see him and he has not apologized. Her therapist agreed with a "time-out" from dad (this was the child's idea) while she and the child figure out safe strategies (so she won't get hurt)for her to interact with dad.

Last night she had the idea of text messaging him as he is her dad and she really wants to be with him. He texts back, "I love you..." (she wouldn't tell me the message in full) but then she says , "Mom, I texted back...well you sure aren't showing me you love me."

She sat on the couch clutching the phone waiting for a reply and he never did. Her eyes were full of tears and at bed time she broke dowm sobbing and screaming, "I hate him".

My heart breaks for her. I am crying as I type and I don't know what to do. He did know what he wanted to do because he spent the night with his new girlfriend since his daughter refused to be with him....

I would appreciate any ESH or advice as I am pretty shook up
Chrysalis123 is offline  
Old 06-22-2008, 08:19 AM
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I am so sorry he is putting a child in this situation. All I can say is that it work itself out over time. Her seeing a therapist is going to be very important to her and will give her the tools she needs to get thru it all in th ebest way possible.
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Old 06-22-2008, 08:40 AM
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I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. I know how painful this can be. My best advice is to let her feel all her feelings and work it out. My dad used to pull things like this all the time. His favorite was "disowning" us when he was mad. He did this right before my high school graduation, then called to ask what I wanted as a gift like nothing had happened. My mom said to just tell him how I felt, so I did. It was liberating to say the least.

She will have scars over these things, no doubt, but being in therapy will help more than you know. Does she have a journal? Maybe you can get her one so she can continually get this out and work through it. Also, anger letters can help. I would suggest asking her therapist about this because she's so young.

As for you, hang in there! It took some time for my sisters and I to realize it, but the best thing my mother did for all of us was divorce my father. Lord knows what kind of shape we would be in if she hadn't.
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Old 06-22-2008, 09:26 AM
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The fact that you have your daughter in therapy is one of THE BEST THINGS you could have done for her.

They didn't have therapy for kids when I was growing up with an alcoholic father, although he was a 'functioning alcoholic' he was an alcoholic none the less.

It was not until I was sober and clean in my own recovery for several years, when I was about 40, that he and I started to 'communicate' again. Even though he and mom stayed together, most of my and my sisters conversations were with Mom, and when we would visit, he would make himself scarce.

Someday her daddy will realize what he lost, hopefully. With therapy now she will have the tools to pick someone later in her life that is NOT daddy.

You are doing A GREAT JOB. You are being open and honest, but not derogatory with your daughter!!!! WOW!!!!!! What a feat!!

Your Recovery is SHINING!!!!!

Please remember to keep posting and let us know how YOU are doling, we do care so very much!

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-22-2008, 10:57 AM
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I wish I had someone like you back when i was that kid. She is lucky to have you. If you stay well she will be ok. This is hard on everyone. It will be something she remembers but as long as You stay strong she will not live in it forever. keep teaching her what you learn. Its the only way.
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Old 06-22-2008, 08:58 PM
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Thank you all for your kind, helpful, and supportive posts. They helped give me stregth and get through this day. I managed to have some fun inspite of the pit in my stomach.

STBXAH is a high functioning alcoholic. He was given a wonderful second chance 7 years ago after almost dying in a near fatal DUI but did suffer an amputation. Attended AA for a while but then declared he wasn't one of them. I was still very sick and in complete denial as he continued on in is disease. I am not sure how much of the truth I even know from the last six years, but it doesn't matter because now I know my gut was right all along. This is a horrible thing to go through for all involved.

He came over today to see the 10 year old. She wouldn't see him and burst into tears sobbing in her room. I went in to hold her as he spoke throught the door. He said to her, "I feel bad too. You owe me an apology because you have rejected me." And still offered no apology for what he said to her on Monday.

I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP!!!! And then the mother lion in me woke up and boy was I angry. I gently put my precious child down and walked over to the door and let him have it. I doubt he even listened to me but it made me feel better to defend my daughter from his insanity. How dare he put the spotlight on himself and have his poor hurt feelings take center stage, when this child was devastated by him. He walked away saying it didn't matter what he said or did because I was turning her against him.

I am still angry and worked up, so I will journal, pray and take a bath. I know this will pass but I hope it hurries up. Thank you again for your kind words.
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