ajangels2

I have relapsed in my behaviors these past few months and at this point my life has been turned upside down. I am 7 1/2 months pregnant with my third child. AH appeared to be happy about it at first but then the unhealthy behaviors started and shortly after that he relapsed. I honestly think he was on his way to a relapse regardless of whether I was pregnant or not, but that was just one excuse he used along with my moody/bitchy attitude. The first trimester was hell and I was also weaning off my anti-depressant medication too. Not fun. AH had no interest in understanding me or what was happening to me... too busy trying to escape the house and life.

Things have just progressively gotten worse and we have had a great deal of financial stress that is leading to a Bankruptcy... we are losing our home as well. AH had not had any work in over a month and he decided to take up fishing. His fishing expeditions would turn into all night trips... so there went the intimacy and connection. At this point he has left the home and moved in with his parents. He doesn't want to be a husband anymore says he doesn't love me anymore and only wants to be a part-time Dad from what I can see. Well now I'm into the third trimester and facing delivery without my husband present, going to take maternity leave and try to find my child daycare along with my two 5-year olds starting kindergarten. My codependency behaviors are back in full swing... I'm terribly sad and grievous over him leaving.. and despite the fact that he's behaving like a selfish schmuck I still love him deeply. Those who are Codi know that when we fall in love it is deep. This man and my children have been my life for 6 years and now I'm losing everything I've ever worked for literally. AH has nothing to say... he can't say anything... can't allow himself to feel anything.

Our therapist basically said he's scared and running but not scared enough to make changes. I phoned him last night just needed to talk... but he can't be my friend anymore he can't hear about the pain I feel because it causes him guilt. I find it hard to breathe or even get up in the morning... forget about taking care of me I feel like a piece of crap right now. He suggested we try dating but I don't feel very happy and good about myself to date and put on an act to try and win my husband back. He's very confusing to me.. one minute he says we'll work on it and in the next sentence he's saying he feels nothing for me... then says he loves me but he's not in love with me... he blames me for his unhappiness and I guess I was blaming him for mine.

I feel that now the only thing to do is to let him go and completely disengage and not even worry about the dating because it wouldn't make much difference anyway. Somehow I need to gather the strength to finish this pregnancy and start taking care of me and stabalizing my home and get back to doing what I want. I'm on my own again, except now I'm one plus three. The joy of my pregnancy is gone... I feel now it's not the joy of delivery but the tasks that lye before me. I feel crazy again like A'ism and insanity has crept back into my mind and my heart. All I want to do is shut down and hybernate under the covers, but I can't I have two boys to raise.

Thanks for listening I know there are some you who might have gone through similiar experiences... how did you make it through to the other side?

Peace,
aj

Impurrfect

awww sweetie, I'm sorry.

I don't have any great words of advice, but I do know that you will get through this and you and your kids will be better off. I'm sure it doesn't SEEM that way now, but once you can focus on what YOU want from life, things get better.

Sending you lots and lots of hugs and prayers!

Amy

i4getsm

AJ, I was in your exact shoes almost two years ago. STBXAH was drinking and partying while I was PG with twins. Unfortunately that never stopped. Based on how I feel now with him out of the house, I almost wish that I had kicked him out before the boys were born. Instead of having help from him, at times it felt like having another child to care for. Do you have family or friends in town who can help you? Focus on you. Detach yourself from him. Being a single parent is hard, but you can do it. You just need to look around and find a "village" to help you. Seek support from those you can really count on. For me, it was worse when I depended on STBXAH and then his "help" didn't come. It was easier to plan for me to handle everything and be pleasantly surprised when he did actually help. KWIM?

(((HUGS))) You are in a highly emotional state just being pregnant and raising two boys (are they twins also?) without having to deal with everything else. Try to focus on doing something that makes you feel good today. Break the big things down into little steps. As they say: "How do you eat an elephant?" Answer: "One bite at a time."

ajangels2

I really appreciate that... I do have twins as well and have often wondered what life would have been like if I had just stayed away from him then? Instead we continued and so the chaos continued as well. I do have some family in the area and they have been very helpful. It is good to here from people who have endured this pain and are making it. I will have to work on finding that village!!
Peace,
aj

MsPINKAcres

hey, hey, hey - please no calling my great friend a co-dependent idiot?

My friend, Ajangels - is a wonderful woman. She has been my friend for several years - she has worked so hard on learning to recovery from how she has been affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction. She like so many of us, has relapses into old behaviors, but she never stays "stuck" in that place; she gets back up, dusts herself off and tries again.

She is a very giving soul - gives love and compassion to those she meets - whether it be in person or on the computer. She is a wonderful mother to 2 handsome 5 yr old boys. They are at the center of her heart. She has taken great steps to avoid them learning the same ole same ole that comes with an alcoholic/addictive home life. She works with them about healthy expressions of emotions, love and compassion for others. To the precious little one about to make his appearance - she gives him a healthy environment, love and affection before he ever enters this world.

She works in a field that requires healthy compassion and detachment - giving help to those who can't always stand up for themselves.

Aj is a faithful prayer partner - always available to prayer for family and friends who need their HP's loving touch. Praying for God's best for each and everyone - the addicts and alcoholics included.

I could go on for days letting you know all the good character assets of my dear friend.

I know she is struggling so very much at this time - I'm lifting her up in prayer and keep her in my thoughts so that she will be surround by the love and protection of her HP.

Shaun, please print this out and read it often - You are a wonderful Mother, friend and human being - Please don't let the circumstances of you current situation - beat down your wonderful self.

Today maybe are in sometough days - But It is life - not always the fault of your actions. Keep on your path, follow the guidance of your God and remember Hope and Courage and Wisdom will come to you, as will the strength.

Big ole Mom hugs from ReeRee!!!!!

((Ajangels))

love ya,
Rita

ajangels2

Thanks Rita,
I needed to hear that today. I will print this out cause I think you are right sometimes and somedays I can beat myself down more than anyone. I am blessed to have such wonderful recovery friends in my life.

Big hugs Back!!

Pajarito

(((((aj)))))
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a lot to bear. I too was left by STBXAH. It's incredible to believe- a good wife, a beautiful daughter, a nice home- and where is he now??? Alone. Why??? I don't know- I am done trying to figure out why. All I know is I have myself- thank God- I'm the "healthy" one! I can choose to move forward and find a life for myself and dd. She is the light of my life. Our dog makes me laugh- thank God for both of them. I know how hard it is- I have to sell our sweet house- and move where? There are so many unknowns. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I want to lay in bed too- but I get up every day, work, interact with nice friends and family, look here on SR for support. I hope you will take to heart the nice things we say about you here. You are obviously strong. I know it hurts to have to do it alone, but you can do it. And really- you are not alone. You have family and friends who can help you if you need it- just ask. I find the more I do that the more love I feel- and can give back which feels good. It's a win-win situation. You'll get there. Just keep working on it. Take care!

Kindeyes

Wow Aj.....you have a really good friend in Rita. That was a beautiful post.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this nonsense at a time when you should be filled with joy. My A son's girlfriend dealt with similar stress while pregnant with our grandson and it broke my heart to see her in pain. It breaks my heart to understand the pain you are feeling right now.

As you know, he is out of your control. You have a lot of stuff on your plate and now (if there ever was a time!) is the time to trust your HP.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers along with your twins and the wee one in your tummy. I just LOVE pregnant women (and I LOVED being pregnant). The miracle that is occurring in your body is amazing!!!! Pregnant women are the most beautiful people on earth.

gentle hugs

cookconfay

AJ, when I was 41 and pregnant with my second child, ah was NO WHERE around....he was out using and screwing everything he could. I found out a week after he moved in with his girlfriend that I was pregnant. I sank into a HUGE depression. I could not hardly work, I would have panic attacks, my heart was pounding through my chest. You could see it make my clothes move. I cried non stop. My OB doc finally put me on Zoloft while I was pregnant just so I could function at all. I couldn't eat.....it was horrible. He NEVER helped me at all, no money, no support, told me to just go have an abortion etc etc.

I did have lots of support from my friends in the program. Made a TON of meetings, stayed really close to my sponsor. Wrote volumes in a journal, prayed all the time for his miserable self.

Here I am over 4 yrs later. Struggling as a single parent....yes, but at least not having to live a miserable life WITH him! Hugs & prayers for you Shaun

ajangels2

Wow what strong women we have here in this group. You all are giving me hope and inspiration today to keep moving forward. My tool pouch had felt lost or empty these past few months but maybe HP has a different plan for me and the boys. My head has been spinning and I have been over reactive and overly emotional these past few weeks. Hormones oh yes.. I definitely got them... add the kids, the job, the house, and AH's selfish and insensitive behavior and it makes my head feel like its going to explode. I think this weekend would be a good weekend to get closer to my HP, family, and stick close to my kids and the house to put some love and energy where I know I'll get something back.

Zoloft that's what I was thinking of.... I will have to speak to my doctor about that one especially after the pregnancy I can see I will probably struggle emotionally then too. Thanks for that tip Connie.

Hugs to each of you... AJ

Kindeyes

oooooooh Anvilhead..........that's a keeper! What a great way to visualize the interaction with the A's in our lives. Thank you!!!

i4getsm

AJ - If you do feel like you are overly emotional, talking to your OB about medication is a great place to start (as is talking with a therapist if that helps you). I got on Lexapro after my boys were born. It SAVED my life. I don't want to scare you but having a rough pregnancy (full of emotional, physical, and spiritual problems) can sometimes increase your risk for post partum depression. You may not, but it's something to watch out for, especially since you won't have a husband who is attentive to the signs, kwim?

And, as hard as it may seem to do things on your own, it is no harder than staying in constant turmoil with an A. That doesn't mean I'm suggesting you leave. Just telling you that the option of getting out of the situation is available and not as bad as it seems if you should choose to go that route. For me, I've traded the emotional drain of a horrible relationship with STBXAH for a bit more work handling the kids on my own. I'll pray for you and your family. I hope you can have a fun weekend hanging out with your kids and family and rubbing your belly (I loved being pregnant) and dreaming of meeting that sweet little person!

Anvil: You rock! I can always count on you to have some profound statement in your posts! If you're not careful, I may start calling you Yoda! LOL!