ToughChoices

I've been wondering about this lately.

I grew up with tendencies towards perfectionism, and I am quite type A. I always get the job done, always fix the problem, always take care of others. This is how I was taught to be a good person. I know now that it is also a recipe for co-dependency.

For a long time I used this "perfect behavior" to tell myself that I deserved someone who would treat me "perfectly". I was "good" - I worked very hard to be - so I deserved to be with someone who was also "good".

Alcoholism in my partner threw me for a loop.

I spent a while REALLY feeling like a victim, thinking,
"I did nothing to deserve this - he owes me better behavior."
It was hard, but my own recovery has shown me the futility of such "victim"-thinking.

I now realize that the reason I tried so hard to live without fault was that deep down I believed that flaws made me unlovable. My giving, selfless behaviors weren't always based in love, many were based in my own fear of rejection.

All of that to say, having begun to understand that being "perfect" doesn't earn me a "perfect" partner, I remain confused about what I do deserve. I know what I want, but I question how realistic my expectations are.

Any thoughts?

-TC

MsPINKAcres

Some people say expectations are future resentments - which can be true - but for me, personally - I think not all expectations are bad.

As in all most everything in my life since recovery - BALANCE has become the key word.

for me . .
I expect my friends, family, spouse, children to
give me the same respect I give them
to honor my boundaries, just as I honor theirs
to show me healthy compassion without enabling as I do the same with each of them
to love me unconditional without accepting unacceptable behaviors and in turn I will do the same

This is not an easy thing for me as is it is not easy for my loved ones, but as we try together - Progress not Perfection with the help of our HP - we grow closer One Day at a Time.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Lilyflower

You deserve all your heart desires - love, respect, companionship, and why not?

I also deserve to be listened to without judgement, allowed space and freedom to go down my own paths and come to my own conclusions without hindrance, manipulation and others attempting to ''sway my course''. I deserve someone to be equally committed and show responsibility in our relationship, to have support from others without them 'care taking' for me. I deserve to be treated as an adult and not belittled carried and ''molly coddled'' through my life, meaning that I take full responsibility for my actions, speach and thoughts and maturely deal with any outcomes from such.

Equally so, i need to ensure I extend the same to everyone else in the world.

lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i4getsm

In my last therapy session, I had to write down the five key characteristics that I want in a relationship. My choices were: 1) Honest/Trustworthy, 2) Hardworking (aka not lazy), 3) Easy-going, 4) Respectful, and 5) Romantic. That's the start of my list. I actually had a ton more but those were my top five. If I don't see those characteristics in a person, then I should gracefully move on. You can also revise your list as long as you aren't sacrificing your core values. In other words, if someone comes along with all of these qualities but acts like a jerk to my kids...well...I'll add another "deal-breaker" to the list.

The main thing is to be aware of the red flags and not ignore them. It's one thing to adjust your mind set about a characteristic (e.g. romance equals flowers versus surprise dinners) versus ignoring a red flag (e.g. "it was just a little white lie").

We deserve our heart's desire, but just as we have faults, we can expect our partners to have faults as well. It's important to trust your gut and set boundaries about what you will and will not accept. That's what protects you from getting involved with someone that is wrong for you.

i4getsm

Anvil - I agree with you. My list is more about the characteristics I need to see in a person (my boundaries if you will for what I will and will not tolerate). We shouldn't have a preconceived notion of a person because that person (like your man) may not "look" like someone you would gravitate towards. Maybe flipping my list to the negative might work better so I can remind myself that someone who 1) lies, 2) doesn't work, 3) is very rigid, 4) is disrespectful, 5) isn't gentle with me is not someone I want to be with. I need those boundaries because clearly I have allowed myself a relationship with men who have done these very things. make sense?

I definitely don't have a clear picture of what a new relationship might look like and I'm trying to open my eyes to what is really important to me. I'm learning I can choose someone with those characteristics, or I can choose to go back to the same ol' same ol'. KWIM?

Chrysalis123

This is a huge light bulb moment for me too. Thanks.

ToughChoices

I wondered if this distinction would come up - I struggled with the right word to use.


I've definitely always been someone who saw the world in terms of rewards and punishments EARNED by good/bad behaviors.

Even now, it's easy to start thinking, "Surely all this personal realization and recovery, all this hard work and self-examination has earned me the right to an honest and open partner."

Perhaps I should be thinking more along the lines of, "How can I make choices that will help bring honesty and respect into my life?"

At least I'm starting to know what I want, and, like i4getsm, what I DON'T want!


-TC

cmc

Thank you for this thread, it's set off all kinds of things in my mind.

Sometimes a 'best friend' can be the one most unlike myself, instead of someone who is a kindred spirit; so I just don't see how it's possible to rate a person by a list of character traits without really knowing them first.

I've met quite a few people who I didn't care for at first who have become quite close, longterm friends and I would have missed out on that if I had a list of what I feel I deserve. On the other hand there have been moments when my gut reaction was dead-center correct; because of that I choose to proceed with caution but try and keep an open mind. You never know...I just might be wrong. (imagine that)

I think I have a fairly good sense of self esteem yet don't feel that I am deserving of anything. To deserve love and/or friendship still requires that I must be something in order to have my basic needs for friendship and love met.

I choose to look at this topic....of what I want or need from others as being a person who has hopes, dreams, likes and dislikes that I get to make choices about. This way I get to just be myself and so do they, anything that stems from that is based on mutual respect and earned trust.

Barbara52

I have learned I was suffering from the same bad thinking about faults meaning I wasn't worthy of love and respect. I still fight it. I am working on figuring out what I want, deserve and can expect in relationships in general. On a logical level I know I deserve more than I have received in most relationships. On a gut level, I'm not there yet. But I will be in time.

GiveLove

Well, for myself only, I feel I deserve a life that is purposeful, joyful, interesting, fun, and worth every minute I spend here.

I do, in a way, have to "earn" that. I earn it by excluding people from my life who interfere with my ability to reach it, which can involve hard work and sometimes means very (temporarily) sad choices. If someone is taking more happiness out of my life than they are contributing to it, they have to go.

I also earn it by treating other people every bit as well as I want to be treated, from my husband all the way to the grouch at the post office and the single mom telemarketer. We're all on this journey together, and giving love freely has gotten me a lot in return. I am very worthy of respect, and behave in respectful manner....and if someone doesn't give me that respect, then I now know it's a defect in THEM, not in me. Took me years, but I'm there now most of the time.

By "deserve" I don't mean that the universe owes me something, and I have the right to get mad if it doesn't delivery X, Y, or Z. I just mean that it is all freely available to me, like panning for gold in a stream that's FULL of nuggets. It's my job/choice to keep the pan swishing, and my job/choice not to come home with a bucket of rocks.

We deserve the best life has to offer us. All of us do. Just my 0.02

Kindeyes

What do we deserve?

We all deserve to be happy. I love what anvilhead said. We all have choices and once I finally realized that, it was a turning point for me. I am going to choose to be happy. That doesn't mean that I'm an airhead with a constant grin on my face pretending that everything is perfect. I choose to be content. I choose to be loving. I choose to make the best of my today....no matter what it deals out to me.

I CHOOSE.........

FormerDoormat

I, too, choose to be happy. And this thread deserves to be a sticky. You guys never cease to amaze me.

peaceteach

I too am just awed by the truths and wisdom. Thank you all so much

GiveLove

Amazing, amazing people all around here. Whoa.

i4getsm

Tough: Thank you for starting this very interesting post!

To your original question...do you really know what you want? It's funny but when I wrote down the characteristics I need to see in another person, it actually took me awhile to figure out which 5 were really important to me. I realized that there were some I could modify or skip altogether and there were others that were must-haves. I bet your expectations/boundaries are a lot more realistic than you think.