mauilisa

First, this site is a wonderful resource. Thank you all.

I've been married to my AH 19 years next week. He drinks 2-4 beers or shots every night (I can't keep track). He is responsible, honest, trustworthy, faithful, loves me and our daughter, dependable. But he is controlling and drinks to numb the stresses of his life. He has a back injury from work, but still works through the pain. Because he drinks every night, as marital and life stresses arise, we don't always deal with them. They remain undealt with and I suspect that it comes out as sarcasm, disdain and disrespect toward me once in a while when he's drinking. Also toward our daughter. So last month we had a big pow wow which he didn't see it as his fault. I could clearly see he was sarcastic due to alcohol. We separated that week. I told him I was done living with an alcoholic. I have lived with an alcoholic almost every day of my life.

During this month, life has been calm and quiet, but I am aware that life on Maui will be tough as a single mom. Everytime I look over the finances, I become less and less sure that I can swing it (getting a divorce). I don't have a college education, I have a good job, but rents here are ridiculous. If I relocate, I'm not sure how easy it will be to get a good job at 47. I have no desire to start over in another relationship. Marriage is hard; I'd rather stay single. So this one is it for me. I love him dearly and deeply.

Today he called me twice. The first call was to discuss details of our financial situation when we divorce. The second call an hour later (a message) was asking if we could come to a compromise. He wants to move back home and, when he wants to drink, he will go to another room. He's not in a place where he sees himself as an alcoholic because he is so high functioning. Maybe that is why there is none of the lying and deceit on his part because he's not trying to hide anything.

I'm thinking I should not rush into anything. I want to go to Al-Anon and learn about setting boundaries for me and my daughter. Then I think I will be in a better place to make a good decision for everyone. Maybe I am already setting some boundaries unknowingly since I only answered 'Yes' to one question on the Al-Anon quiz.

Now I'd like to ask for advice. Please tell me if I'm not looking at this in a healthy way. Am I missing something? Have you seen people do this before? Do you know if other people choose to cope with an alcoholic? Can it work? Is it a cop-out? Is it not the best thing for our daughter? Thank you.

freeflower

I want to give you some advice but I am new here too so I am still working thru my own stuff. I am 48 and the thought of starting over is very scary but, I had to give it a try. The difference between you and I is that you said you still love him very deeply. Very deeply is a strong emotion . I'm thinking alanon is a great place for you to find some answers in your self. I mean, can you love like that and leave it? On the other hand, if you stay too long and nothing changes in your (ah) life, you could begin to dispise him and that would not be good for your child or you. I personally couldn't live with the drinking in another room thing because he is going to wander into the room your in... and back to square one. I guess I'm the first one up so I'm sure some wiser advice is on it's way with the dawn. This is something I know for sure, this site is amazing and you will be able to find some help here. Good luck.

totfit

Your AH doesn't at all sound like an alcoholic if he is having 2-4 drinks at night. I do not think you can blame the problem on alcohol. It is likely that if he were not using alcohol at night he would find some other way to deal with things that still doesn't suit you. I don't mean this as a slight at all, just saying that the problems are not alcohol. He is high functioning, because he is drinking alcohol within the realms of moderate consumption. He is drinking normally. Now you may have a problem with his drinking moderately or I would venture to guess that the problems in your marriage are much deeper than his alcohol consumption. I would imagine that you see him consuming and somehow link the two. Your being able to cope with him or not has nothing to do with coping with an alcoholic, because if his drinking is as you say, he doesn't fit the description. I would say if you want the marriage, then counseling may help. If you are done living with him fine, but it is not because he is an alcoholic.

Barbara52

If the amount of alcohol your husband consumes is a problem in your relationship, its a problem.

Personally I do not view 4 drinks a night, leading to unacceptable behaviors, as moderate drinking or as normal. I view it as excessive. Whether your husband is an alcoholic or not is not something any of us can determine.

Bottom line though is you need to figure out what you want and what you can do to reach your goals. Perhaps couples therapy to help you and you husband repair your relationship?

Rella927

Welcome to SR mauilisa! So glad that you found us! Check out the stickies
at the top of the forum as there is a wealth of information there-and a lot of
support here so please keep posting!

IMHO I think that you found your answer on what you need to start doing for
you and your daughter! Which is important! If you want to give Al-Anon a shot I say
go for it! It has shown me how to live a better life....

Blessings

CatsPajamas

There are many people who choose to remain in a relationship or marriage with an alcoholic. Al Anon makes it very clear that each person should decide for himself whether or not to stay... and to have a plan if there is violence involved.

The best thing you can do is learn to set boundaries, learn to take care of yourself, help your daughter to do the same. If she's old enough, perhaps she could go to some Ala Teen meetings where she would be able to talk to other young people with similar situations.

I hope others will chime in with their experiences. Not all alcoholic marriages are doomed to fail - they just have a complicated set of challenges. What I love about recovery is that when ONE of the people in the relationship changes, it has a ripple effect.

Hugs
Cats

Lilyflower

hmmm, lets say, 3 drinks a night seven days a week, thats 21 alcoholic drinks consumed a week. I would not call that ''moderate drinking'', If someone drank that much once a week I would call that a binge drinker.

Alcoholism is not catagorised by how much alcohol is consumed anyhow. AA asks questions to help someone decide if they are Alcoholic...

''The questions:
Do you lose time from work due to drinking?
Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
Have you ever stolen, pawned property, or "borrowed" to get money for alcoholic beverages?
Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Do you want a drink the next morning?
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
Do you drink alone?
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?''

- Taken from the AA web site.

Not one question there asks ''do you consume more than --- units a week?''

I would therefore agree with Barbara, if it is a problem for you then it is a problem!

Get to Al-anon to help you first and formost. If you do decide to try to stick it out with your husband, the tools learnt there will be hugely beneficial.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mauilisa

Thank you for all the responses. I read through and appreciated every single one, and took what you said into consideration. Then I prayed and asked God to help me. My AH and I talked things through today and he will be coming home this weekend. He is committing to no more than two units a night, and I will attend al-anon starting tomorrow. Perfect world to me would be for him to give it up completely, but I think as I learn to set boundaries and protect myself and my daughter, that I can live with him if he is drinking moderately. I told him about the ill effects of >2 a night (taken from the Mayo clinic website), including brain shrinkage, and he was responsive to that. So I said if I were to let him drink all he wants as long as he's in another room is like being married to a diabetic and telling him he can eat all the sugar he wants as long as he's out of my sight. That's not a loving thing to do. So we'll see how it goes. I'm going to reevaluate as time goes on and trust God.

Thank you so very much. Your words of wisdom really helped me in my decision. I will be actively using this forum in the coming weeks and months.

Lilyflower

Good luck Mauilisa, I hope you and your husband work through this.

I love that you are going ahead knowing that you can ''re-evaluate'' at any time. I think at times in the past I became almost like a martyr, telling myself that I had made a commitment and HAD to stick with it, even though it comprimised my sanity and happiness. It took a while for me to know inside that ending it was not a reflection on my commitment at all and certainly didn't mean I had given up on myself or abandoned my relationship as my exabf would keep telling me!

I hope you enjoy your Al-anon meeting,

Keep on posting,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i4getsm

Continue to set boundaries that protect you and your daughter. The only thing I would like to suggest is to remove yourself from the amount he drinks. I know you asked him to drink only two units a night. Having been in your shoes before, I felt like I watched the trash can like a hawk. I counted beer cans or amount of liquor left in the bottle. Rather than set boundaries about amounts, set boundaries about being respectful, not getting drunk, not passing out, actually coming to dinner, not arguing while drunk, etc. KWIM? Have you thought about what you'll do if he drinks more than two? What happens then? What is the consequence? A boundary isn't really a boundary without a consequence. HTH.

mauilisa

Oh yes, I told him that on those days (and there will be those days), that he will drink more than two, then he needs to remove himself from being around us - drink in the room, on the patio, and after that there will be no parental input from him and no intimacy with me for that night. I told him I don't plan on policing his drinking. That would be maddening, I'm sure. And so because this is on the honor system, that's why there is the idea of reevaluating now and then. Who knows if he will be okay with just two? We'll find out.

hadenoughnow

I thought exactly as you did years ago (it's not so bad, I love him, I can handle it, I don't want to be alone, how will I pay the bills?). Alcoholism is progressive, and in my case:

he kept drinking more and more (they have to, it's not a choice)
his behaviour got worse
he didn't want to work so I had to pay the bills anyway (working interferes with drinking eventually)
I realized I was already alone (he was with his ism, not me)
all of which leads to me not loving him
I couldn't handle it anymore and threw him out

If he keeps drinking all the things you fear now will come to pass eventually

Barbara52

You might want to do some reading on the difference between boundaries and ultimatims.

i4getsm

Keep reading the sticky posts at the top and learning about the part you play in this disease. It truly does impact everyone involved. You've changed something so you are headed in the right direction. As mentioned by most posters, try to pull the focus back to YOU. I have learned so much from this board and have really started looking at myself and my choices as well as my boundaries. It is truly fascinating to focus on ME. When it comes to our A's, we get so focused on them and what they are doing that we forget about us and how we feel. You've made the first step by coming here seeking help. In this situation, change is a good thing. it means we aren't doing the same ol', same ol' and expecting different results (definition of insanity). (((HUGS)))

Seeking Wisdom

Years ago, when I thought my AH was just drinking 4 or 5 beers a night... I eventually found out that he was actually drinking more and just hiding it. He would drink that amount in a period of about 3 hours in the evening and as a result, his personality would change for the worse .. and for years I lived with mood swings, unacceptable and unpredictable behavior.

All during this time he kept insisting that he wasn't drinking that much and I was overreacting, that he didn't have a problem and I was just too sensitive .... so I wasted so many unhappy years questioning my own judgement and getting caught up in his endless mind games as to whether he was really drinking too much. Once we had children, I felt I could no longer turn a blind eye to the strange behavior brought on by alcohol. I felt I couldn't even leave my children for short periods with my AH because I couldn't trust that he would be alert enough to watch to active young kids. To me, this was not the way marriage and family was supposed to be.

I finally set a boundary that he only drink 2 beers a night to try and bring some sanity to our home.... it didn't work - it only prolonged the misery and chaos. He continued his excessive drinking and he just worked harder at hiding it .. more mind games, more confusion, more unhappiness.

When I finally found out my AH had been lying and hiding alcohol for many years (including driving around with the kids all while swearing he had only had 2 beers all day) .... I gave him the choice to stop drinking completely or to move out. I finally felt I was taking back control of our lives and would no longer willing let our family live with the destructive effects of alcohol .... even though he ended up living elsewhere and sadly, alcohol eventually destroyed his life.

Sometimes the only choice is step away .... and try to protect ourselves and our children - and try not to let alcohol destroy any more lives.