justjo

This morning my sis calls me at 7am. Drunk. She was in a Rehab run by nuns and was there for nearly 5weeks. She left last week and went home and you know the rest.
To make it brief, she hasnt slept for 3 days and is in a bad way again. Tells me she cant keep doing this, she'll die! Wants to go back to the rehab but cant afford it. A$180 wk and wants me to pay for it.
She has been in and out of rehabs for 4 years (lost count of how many).

Now, my predicament. (You know if you thought she was serious, you would help out. Anything to stop this madness, but Im not convinced) It always gets to this desperation point and my emotions start rolling again.

Shes worried about leaving her house. I gave her ideas on what she could do, but there is always an excuse. The house, the dogs, money and she doesnt like the AA meetings.

My biggest gripe is she sounds so desperate and fragile (it sucks me right in) and then I get mad with myself for feeling the way I do.

What would you do? I didnt need this guilt trip - again.
JJ

lizw

My father (who doesn't drink but is not particularly sane) rings at 7am sometimes demanding I do things for him. I've learnt to say, 'it's not a good time now dad, I'll call you later' then hang up the phone. It was a terribly painful thing to do the first time but he gets the idea eventually....

So I sorry to be the one to tell you that you can't save your sister. All the money, treatment centres or detoxs in the world won't save her. She can only save herself and she'll keep phoning you as long as she thinks there's a chance you'll help her out.

I'd suggest you tell her how much you love her then say no, I can't do that. You have to find away to help yourself and I have to go now. I'll call you back later so you have a chance to think about it. Then hang up, regardless of that she says. But then of course you'll have to ring her back later and I bet she will have probably will have forgot the whole thing by then....

hello-kitty

Usually I don't answer the phone and let my ex leave a message. Then I decide whether I will call him back depending on the message. Usually it's the same ol same ol and I don't call back. If I make the mistake of answering the phone I listen, I don't speak. Finally, when he's out of breath with his story I say:

"This isn't a good time to discuss this. Please call me back later."

and then I don't hear from him for a week or so...

If she gives you excuses, you might try saying:

"Well you are a smart girl. I love you. I have faith that you'll figure something out. I have to go now. Good bye." Click.

Barbara52

If answering her calls is going to lead you into being sucked in to her drama and adness, I would not answer the phone.

There are alternatives for her if she wants to make use of them. Many don't cost a cent, such as AA and the Salvation Army. She will only begin her recovery if she wants to do so.

If I were in your situation, I would at msot give her a lsit of places she can go. Its up to her to do anything more.

cmc

jo...
The words "but can't afford it" got my attention. I found that when it became my turn to help _ I _ could no longer afford it, whether it involved my time, emotions or money.

As long as my son was still active and/or having frequent relapses, my helping just prolonged the misery for us all. When I stopped helping him he had to learn how to help himself.

prodigal

I totally agree with what everyone is saying here. If she is TRULY desperate enough, she will learn to LOVE AA if it will get her sober.

If she cannot afford rehab, how can she afford to live in her house and pay for booze? I'd simply tell her, "If you are really desperate and sincere about recovery, you have affordable options. I love you and wish you the best."

Yes, that will be very hard to say to her but she owns her addiction and she own her recovery; not you.

justjo

Its crazy, I have been here with you all for some time now and I actually know the answers. Just sometimes when she calls I listen, shake my head, slap myself and think what am I doing listening to the same old stuff. (you are all right) I just let her play with my head.
I answered the phone last night and again, her boyfriend had left (again) and she was desperate, hasnt eaten or slept for 4 days. She was talking about killing herself, what to do with her stuff. I have heard all this before, but its the (will she do it part that scares me).
She begged me for the money. I suggested she sell her car to pay for it. She then got nasty. Not worth mentioning the outcome.
I just dont know what its going to take after all these years for her to see what opportunities are waiting for her. Im worried my last post on here will be, the end, shes gone.

cmc

((jo))
I'm sorry she's acting this way and hope that she will come to her senses soon. One of the best ways I can think of to offer somebody support is to tell them that I think they can handle things. It deflects any possible manipution and who knows if the other person will, one day decide to make a real effort to change.

Rella927

Jo

Sorry that you are going through this and I know that the hardest thing to do is turn the other way-
however IMHO I would not allow myself to pick up the phone if you feel that it will suck you into the drama. It is so hard to detach from those we loveand watch them go through what they are......

In my experience with my brother the more we gave to him the more he drank and never
kept up with recovery....today my brother is now almost 5 years into being in and out of homes,
my parents, detox, jail, and the money well I cannot even count the dollars fed to him-
We can no longer support him as he does not have the will to want to stop! We had to let go and let God-

The last I heard from him which is sad he left a message telling me that he was not strong enough to do
this and he is going to drink himself to death. The last anyone has
heard from was his son yup his son called him in NJ (From FL) and said that he is drinking
himself to death and he has pain in his arm as if he is having a heart attack. Today no one knows a week later where he is and we have had to turn it over.

It is the hardest thing to do to feel helpless so I can sympathize with you
on this.....

Do what you feel is right in your heart and if you are not convinced like you say
that should tell you your answer right there what to do!

So sorry for this pain you are going through-Take care of you sweets

i4getsm

Unfortunately, this is classic manipulation. You gave her a valid option but she didn't want to do it because that would mean a consequence that SHE would have to live with ...not you.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to let her find her own way, but giving her the opportunity to handle her own life may be just the thing she needs. ((HUGS))

justjo

Thankyou sweet friends.

I thought some more - asked myself "why do I sometimes let her get to me?"
the answer is this. I feel her pain, I feel her misery & her sadness. I understand this horrible disease, but I cant understand why she chooses it over life. Its been so long and how long does she have to torture herself.

I have always been there for everyone - all my life, even as a child. I cry if someone else cries, even watching something on TV. Stupid hey, I feel their pain.
I will admit though, I have become alot tougher over time and started being there for me. I dont want the drama anymore.

Barbara52

I too felt that way about my xAH for years. I would still be living with him, still married if I had not learned that I was not helping myself or him by enabling his self destructive choices. I've been gone a year now. He still chooses to drink daily, still chooses to see himself as a victim, still chooses to live in deep denial. I fear he will never choose to move toward recovery. I cannot understand why he chooses the path he is on. But there is nothing anyone can do to start him down that road.

You may want to consider cutting off contact since all it does is cause you pain. It won't be easy at first but the absence of the drama will be worth it.

Kindeyes

CMC
You just don't know how much I needed to hear that today. Thank you.
ke

justjo

Thankyou Barbara, I actually did this morning. After days of emotional crap, she broke it off with her boyfriend, rang her ex husband and asked him to pay $20000 off her debts and she still loved him, her daughter took her car in fear, begging me to pay for rehab and look after her dogs.
Threatening to kill herself.
Well, this morning she tells me she is back with the boyfriend after 24 hrs and she was confused.
I told her they both deserve each other, to leave her ex, children, everyone else and me alone and not to call me again. I was so angry that she has used and abused everyone Again!! Im fed up and I need to move on and accept this can no longer be apart of my life.
Thankyou all for listening Again. I need you sometimes to spell it out to me again.

FormerDoormat

Somehow she can come up with ~$180 a week for alcohol, so she can find the money to pay for rehab if she wanted to. The fact that she's claims AA isn't the answer indicates that she's still not ready to change.

My heart goes out to you. It's so hard. If you give her the money, she still won't change and she won't learn to rely on herself and take control of her life.

I'll keep you and your sister in my prayers.

justjo

She turned up drunk at her ex's place screaming and demanding her car back (her daughter took it, scared she would kill someone). Her son 16, was home alone and she ran into the house and went through her daughters bedroom and found the keys.
Her son rang me distraught. I was so angry her boyfriend actually drove her there to pick up the car drunk. Once again I was dragged into it and well, stupid me rang her and told her off.
It ended like this, she chose booze and the boyfriend instead of her family.

So Sad and Im moving on.