stick it out?

Old 06-17-2008, 12:19 PM
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stick it out?

im not exactly sure what drove me to this site, or even why im posting this right now. i thought i came here looking for advice or to read about someone going through a similiar situation as me or maybe i just want someone to tell me the truth. to tell me things i dont want to hear but are so right. in my mind i think it would be best to leave my abf (alcoholic boyfriend, not sure if thats the right abbreviation you guys use) but it is so hard. not hard because i dont think i'd be able to live without him, i know i could. i feel so guilty just thinking about it. he has no one to talk to. he doesnt get along with his parents and the few friends he has dont even care about him. i have always been there for him through everything. i feel like if i were to leave him, he would get severly depressed and do something stupid. at the same time i wish he would react the opposite and realize what he'd be losing and want to change. you could say i need to put my feelings first but isnt alcoholism a far more hard and serious struggle then the stress i go through? i feel bad he has to go through this because at times i think he really cant help it. but then agian he doesnt go to meetings or anything anymore. my mind goes back & forth all day long. i get mad at myself for staying with him and i get mad at him for not wanting to get better. we have a daughter on the way and shes due in October. am i wrong for wanting to stick it out until at least then to see if he can be the great father i know he can be when hes not drinking?
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:13 PM
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I kept looking at my Exab's potential but potential isn't the man that he IS!!!!
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:53 PM
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Blog Entries: 2 stay with someone out of guilt, and you gamble your own happiness and your child's happiness on him turning into some kind of model father?

What if you lose?

Not to mention the fact that if he isn't even TRYING to get better, this is a slippery slope straight to a life that looks remarkably like hell on earth. If you've read around a bit, you'll hear the stories of people just like you who stayed because they hoped someone would turn out to be completely different than they are.

Does that come under the category of things you don't really want to hear? I'm sorry if it does but.....what might not be too clear to YOU is really clear to an outsider. You're staying with this guy for all the wrong reasons and setting yourself up for a big, big mess.

You may want to read this great thread -- it's hard, but read it all the way through:

Have you ever wondered why he doesn't have friends or good relationships?

Is this the sign of someone who would be a good role model for a kid?
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:04 PM
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Hi and welcome, im so sorry to hear of your troubles. Unfortunately alcholics will only seek recovery when they want to. Not even your newborn baby can change that. It's a cruel vicious disease that can (if you let it) ruin lives.

You have to think of you and your baby.

I used to worry that if i left him he would never survive without me. Well guess what he did survive, he's still drinking and causing havoc. The only thing he probably misses is the person who enabled him, and helped him (unconsiously) feed his habit.

My xab had a son that he loved to bits, but he has been subjected to his dad's alcoholism all his life. He is one messed up kid.

His son now has a drink and drug problem, just like his dad. You would think that he would see what damage he has done to his son? nah he will take him drinking with him. He doesnt mean to but the alcohol does come first. It always comes first.

Please dont feel guilty about his alcoholism, youve done nothing wrong. He does have choices, he can choose to stop and work a programme. And it is your right to make choices for you and your baby.

Keep posting and reading, there are many here who have been and are still in your shoes.

Mair xx
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:11 PM
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I did the exact same thing as you. In fact my twin boys were born in October (06) as well. I prayed that the partying would end when the boys arrived. If anything it only got worse. Having a baby is HARD work especially in those early months. I prayed all through my pregnancy that their birth would bring out the best in my STBXAH. I wish I could tell you that things have changed, but my reality is quite different.

Continue to read here. Learn what you can and start making changes in YOUR life. Maybe he'll come around and maybe he won't. Either way, YOU will start getting better and preparing yourself for the new baby about to enter the world.
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:26 PM
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I think my RA son's ex-girlfriend hoped that the baby would bring him around. It didn't work that way. He got worse. The important thing is that SHE got better. She was his partner in crime so to speak until she got pregnant. I seriously think that little baby saved HER and I'm thankful for that.

Your words/behavior are so classic co-dependent. You feel sorry for him. You feel fearful of what he would do if you left. So.....what does he bring to the table? The weight of holding someone up eventually gets very tiresome. You can't make him better. Only he can do that. And he has to want to get better really bad before he'll take action.

Take care of yourself and that little one in your tummy. He's an adult. He is capable of taking care of himself.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:22 AM
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Nobody is endowed with the power to save somebody else. Your bf will not wither and die if you walk away. He may blame you for his emotional collapse if you pull the plug, but it's manipulation and nothing more.

You may be addicted to addicts, abusers, lunatics, and all sorts of terribly dysfunctional men. You are codependent. Your mission appears to be to fix, help, heal, and protect a-holes (at least that's what I've concluded from your "name"). Only YOU are endowed with the power to save yourself. Nobody else. Just you.

Potential is not the basis on which a functional, healthy relationship is built. Reality is. And right now, the reality of your situation is you are enabling him by "propping" him up. His reality is he doesn't want to work a program.

Do you want your child to be raised in the environment AS IT IS RIGHT NOW?
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:39 AM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Well....this is your first post
02-25-2008, 04:07 PM

i just CANT take it anymore!


Hi, my boyfriend has serious drinking problems. he doesnt drink everyday but whenever he has access and money thats the first thing he does. he buys a 1/2 gallon of vodka & drinks it straight. he gets totally smashed. when hes drunk he gets VERY angry & can get violent. he lies about EVERYTHING. i recently found out im pregnant and i've been giving him so many chances, saying if he doesnt stop i will have nothing to do with him. he takes me for granted but says "its just not that easy" i dont know what to do. I dont want my child raised without a father but i cannot take this anymore. i dont know what else to tell him. Anyone else in a situation like this? How in the world do you deal with it?
I think you know what is best for you and your baby.
Please consider your child. You decided to have one.
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Old 06-18-2008, 01:55 AM
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I used to joke around and say that if I left him, he would probably turn into the man I always wanted him to be, well 28 years of this is no joke and now I really wish he would turn into the man I always wanted him to be, even with another partner. I wish him peace but I also wish it for me and you. Don't be afraid of what the future holds because you can't predict that. follow your heart for you. My message will always be, don't let precious time eat up your life.
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Old 06-18-2008, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by addicted2aholes View Post
i feel like if i were to leave him, he would get severly depressed and do something stupid.
i just left my exabf and i thought the same thing. but look at it this way either he will get depressed and never clean up his act, and therefore you made the right choice for yourself by leaving. OR he will finally realize what he's doing and get into recovery and maybe down the line you could get back together.

so far my exabf seems to be really trying to change, getting into outpatient treatment, going to CHURCH (this is really shocking) and actually looking for a real job. but a phrase i read on here helped me make my choice - "if nothing changes, nothing changes" if i hadn't made him move out, he'd still be lying around on the couch doing the same old stuff.
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Old 06-18-2008, 09:11 AM
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Hi and welcome to SR! Time to get working on you, because the only person you can change, alter or makew dreams come true for is YOURSLEF!

It took me a while to reealise that, but it is so true. you sound as though you are staying with him for all the wrong reasons. After reading your first post, I would say this is not a healthy environment for a child or YOU. He may well get depressed, he may well still drink but none of this is your fault, nor your responsibility! Remember the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it!

He needs to take responsibility for himself, he needs to learn that he will only have good relationships when he is loving toward himself, and so my friend do you! How are you being loving to yourself or your child by staying with a man you are fully aware gets 'violent' when he drinks?! This behaviour is never acceptable whatever the problem. How are you showing love toward yourself when you allow someone to barrate, manipulate, lie and control you?

Take steps toward healing and rescue your baby from this mess. He will only get worse before he gets better, do you want to raise your child with him for the next ---- years until he finds recovery? Will he ever find recovery? unfortunately as others will confirm through their own experience, alot of people die from this disease having never hit their bottom.

I pray you find the path to healing and health for you and your baby.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-18-2008, 09:26 AM
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One more thing.......I felt those same emotions 25 years ago with my xadah (ex- alcoholic-drug abusing-husband). He told me if I ever left him, he would kill himself. I stayed with him for five years. We had a child.

Zip forward to today. He's still alive.
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:05 AM
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First of all, I want to say I appreciate and respect your honesty in admitting you need help. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, I want to tell you that anyone who tells you either to leave or to stay with your boyfriend is operating from their own motives. The hard truth we all have to face in this life is that only we can decide for ourselves what we truly want, and who we truly want to be. I can tell you that my own personal experience staying in a relationship with someone who is actively addicted is excruciatingly painful. I tried to make the relationship work for a very long time, to the detriment of my own well-being. Then, once I decided the relationship was unhealthy, I tried to leave the relationship numerous times. I discovered that my need to be needed by the person I was with out-weighed even my own self-preservation instincts. The truth that I discovered in my situation is that an addict, or alcoholic, who is actively using is not capable of offering true love. No matter what her potential might be if she were to stop, nothing I could do ever gave her the ability to stop drinking and using. I tried everything I could think of. Then, I had to admit the hard truth to myself that I was addicted to her neediness. Her neediness made me feel important in a way that I felt I needed. That was sick on my part, and I had to let go of my sickness, and hers, in order to claim a truly healthy life for myself. That being said, I've also been friends with addicts and alcoholics who, without drinking or using, still lived unhealthy lives. I have to stay away from them if I want to live a healthy life myself. That has meant giving up some friendships. But the truth is that someone who isn't making an attempt to live healthy can not truly be a friend to anyone. I wish you the best of luck. Your situation sounds difficult, and there are, unfortunately, no easy answers. There is, however, a solution if you continue to look at you and be true to yourself. In your particular case, I would imagine that includes being true to your child as well.

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Old 06-18-2008, 10:18 AM
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Welcome John,

You sound like you have been doing a lot of work on you! I hope you continue going from strength to strength in your recovery.

''Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, I want to tell you that anyone who tells you either to leave or to stay with your boyfriend is operating from their own motives.''

I think we all try to avoid telling people what to do. Everyone here on SR has been through very similar situations and everyone walks their own path. I agree that others need to find their own way in their own time.

I think that sometimes it is helpful to others who perhaps are trapped in the fog of madness to hear the opinion of people on SR who have come through the other side or who have taken steps to find serenity within their relationship. That said as a recovering codependant, I know I slip up sometimes and try to ''rescue''!

Have both you and A2A read the stickies at the top of the forum? I hope you post about yourslef and share you stroies about your recovery,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:44 AM
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everyone will say it and it's true...its just up to you. you might not ever feel it's the right time per say...but you know in your heart what feels right, healthy, and even happy.

you can't make his friends or parents care for him...and you can't choose for him to make steps to get better.

you can only do it for yourself. Get happy for you. It doesn't mean you don't love him...

I've been there and I feel for you!
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:59 PM
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I was raised with an alcoholic parent. It sucked and has affected me and my sister into adulthood. My sister is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I struggle with eating disorders. We are both co-dependent. Please think long and hard about the life that you want for your child. As don't stop just 'cos they have kids and, as noted already, it can make them worse. Waiting it out with your child forces your child to wait it out with you. Part of your job as mom is to take care of your child and make good decisions on their behalf. Please make sure that you take care of yourself and your needs. Your abf is ceratinly making sure that he is taking care of himself, regardless of how it affects you.
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