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I can't believe I didn't leave sooner

Old 06-16-2008, 04:00 PM
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I can't believe I didn't leave sooner

Leaving my exabf was so much easier than I thought it would be. I stayed about 3 1/2 years too long and am kicking myself for not leaving sooner. Looking back I can't believe how crazy/sick it all made me.

For everyone who's not married, I'd say RUN! (am I allowed to say that on here?)
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Old 06-16-2008, 04:01 PM
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Congratulations on making the move you found to be right for you! Don't be tough on yourself for not having done it sooner. You weren't ready until you were ready.

As for the run comment, you have no idea how often I want to say that to people on here. But I've come to recognize that we all go down our own roads and those roads take all sorts of twists and turns that no one else can see.
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Old 06-16-2008, 07:59 PM
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Hey there blah

Originally Posted by blah View Post
.... Leaving my exabf was so much easier than I thought it would be. I stayed about 3 1/2 years too long and am kicking myself for not leaving sooner. Looking back I can't believe how crazy/sick it all made me....
Join the club. That's about the same for me. About 3 years too long.

Originally Posted by blah View Post
.... For everyone who's not married, I'd say RUN! (am I allowed to say that on here?)
You're allowed to say whatever you're feeling, as long as you are respectful of other people and their own pain.

If you _really_ want to help others, then turn it around. How come _you_ did not run 3 years ago when all your friends were telling you exactly the same advice? If you share about what held _you_ back, then others who are in the same situation will listen to your _experience_, instead of getting turned off by your advice.

How come _I_ did not run? So many reasons. I trusted her. I loved her. I thought I could help her change. I thought she needed my support. I thought she needed my responsible behavior as a guide. I thought my friends would think badly of me. I thought she deserved a good man like me.

All those reasons were centered on _me_. On my ego, my pride, my low self esteem. None of those reasons were centered on what _her_ needs were, or on us as a couple. In the end I just enabled her disease, made it easy for her to get deeper into her addiction. The _best_ thing I could have done for her was leave 3 years sooner.

I can't change that past. But I can change my future. Thankfuly, this program of recovery has given me the wisdom to start today.

Mike
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Old 06-17-2008, 06:48 AM
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All those reasons were centered on _me_. On my ego, my pride, my low self esteem. None of those reasons were centered on what _her_ needs were, or on us as a couple. In the end I just enabled her disease, made it easy for her to get deeper into her addiction. The _best_ thing I could have done for her was leave 3 years sooner.

I can't change that past. But I can change my future. Thankfuly, this program of recovery has given me the wisdom to start today.
AMEN Mike! And DITTO!

Blah glad that you made the choice for you to live a happier life! Amazing what we see
when we are free from the chaos and drama! Move on from the past and live for today-

Keep moving in the right direction and look towards the future with brighter eyes!
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Old 06-17-2008, 10:47 AM
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I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling GOOD! As others have said above, you did what you did when you did it. It was the path that you had to walk for you. But each of us do what we do for our own reasons and come to our own conclusions in our own time.

I often want to scream RUN! when I read some of the posts on SR. But I know that it would fall on deaf ears and I would be trying to impose my will on someone else. It just doesn't work.

It's good to hear that you feel you have made the right decision for yourself! Doesn't it feel good to just feel good! And not be in the middle of all of the chaos! Enjoy!
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Old 06-17-2008, 10:54 AM
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Hi there and welcome! i'm glad you are doing so well.

It is sooo hard to leave isn't it? It took me a while to go and I still think it was a shame we couldn't be one of those success stories but aaah well, can't change that! I know that my mum was trying to get me to end my relationship a while before I did. First she would say it, then she would just moan to me about how she thought this and that about my bf. I just thought she was interfering and trying to control my life. In fact I still think that! ha ha ha! Anyway, I definately wouldn't listen and had to walk my own path, as we all do!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
How come _I_ did not run? So many reasons. I trusted her. I loved her. I thought I could help her change. I thought she needed my support. I thought she needed my responsible behavior as a guide. I thought my friends would think badly of me. I thought she deserved a good man like me.
Amen Mike. It's easy to say 'run.' I've said it myself. But....when you truly love and care for someone, it is so hard to turn your back on them.

All I can say, like everyone else....is.....it's a process. It's a process of letting go and ultimately knowing that as hard as it is....letting go truly is an act of love. Many alcoholics will have you believe that if you really loved them, you would hold their hand during the process of them deciding whether to give up alcohol.

The truth is that 'process' is one of insanity and actually just enables them to continue in their disease. This was a tough lesson for me, but in the end, what I needed to realize in order to let go.

I did not let go until I was ready. Just like the alcoholic surrendering to sobriety. You need every step of the journey.

Good luck.
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Old 06-17-2008, 03:20 PM
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Hi Blah, congrats on your new life.

I didn't run either instead i landed on my big fat bottom!!!!!

Mair xx
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Old 06-17-2008, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
If you _really_ want to help others, then turn it around. How come _you_ did not run 3 years ago when all your friends were telling you exactly the same advice? If you share about what held _you_ back, then others who are in the same situation will listen to your _experience_, instead of getting turned off by your advice.
good point. i actually didn't tell anyone what was REALLY going on. i was really embarrassed by it all. but, i should have told my family.

i have a really caring family and they would have told me to run immediately and helped me with anything i needed. they totally did this past weekend when things got a little crazy... and they ended up getting most of the story. but still they haven't told me i'm an idiot or anything, just that it was a shame.

my mom is actually an acoa which is why i never wanted to say anything. looking back now, that was dumb cause she would have understood more than anyone else and told me to run away then. oh well, i can only look forward right?
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Old 06-17-2008, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
I often want to scream RUN! when I read some of the posts on SR. But I know that it would fall on deaf ears and I would be trying to impose my will on someone else. It just doesn't work.
honestly, the decision to end it happened when i was searching on google for "how to break up with someone you live with" and i found these boards. i read a ton of threads. so many stories seemed way way way too familiar to mine. i cried. and then i was like... wow... i would tell any of these people to leave... my abf ISNT different... hes the SAME as all these people. so i came back and read tons of threads over the next few days then made up my mind!
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