mushroom

Hi Blue Jupiter,

I am so sorry for the mess you find yourself in now. Miscarriages are physically painful and emotionally shattering, and can kill a relationship. Been there done that. You will heal physically, but the emotional damage can be long-lasting.

Bipolar is a nasty illness, as bad as alcoholism. Drugs may work, but there's no guarantees. Most bipolars are delusional to some degree. They feel fine when they're manic - nothing wrong with them, so why go to a shrink or take meds? and the meds have some nasty side effects. When they're depressed they can't lift a finger to help themselves, like go to the shrink or take the meds. Many turn to alcohol. I do know one bipolar man who is doing very well on his meds, but he can't ever go off them, and he and his wife both know the bipolar could still rear its ugly head at any time.

Reading your earlier posts on this thread, your ABF was not sober when you were posting about him. Dry, yes, but not sober - there's a big difference. He still had the control issues and manipulativeness and distorted worldview of an alcoholic. Those don't go away just because the drinking stops. True recovery is hard work and takes a long time. My ex AH was dry for 13 years when we married, and was the sweetest most considerate guy, but was a raging active drinker again within a few years.

I still love and miss the guy I met, but he was an illusion. He put on a good act but couldn't keep it up for very long, and it wasn't the real him anyway. The guy I met didn't really exist and will never come back.

Too much, if you ask me! Being in jail would be a deal-breaker for me. It's just not that hard to go through life without being tossed in jail. Once, when much younger, I did visit my alcoholic brother in jail, at my grandparents' urgings, but what a mistake. I will never ever visit someone in jail again. You made your bed now you lie in it. He was verbally abusive the whole time, and the visitation procedures are just not how I want to spend any part of my too-short life. After that visit he would call us collect in the middle of the night to scream and yell at us for getting him in jail (say what??) and how the others were trying to kill him (he's since been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia too as well as bipolar). Visiting him gave him the idea that he could suck us into his drama. And he went right back to his dysfunctional ways as soon as he was out, of course.

So, then, why are you visiting him? How bad does bad have to be? Ask yourself this: what, exactly, are the limits of what I'll accept in a relationship? And no fair setting your limits by what he's capable of!

My limit was, no more car accidents. My ex AH had totaled two vehicles in a few months. Most people go all their lives without totaling a vehicle, so my limit was reasonable. But it was something he couldn't meet - he promptly totaled a third vehicle. I'm sorry, but three vehicles totaled in less than a year, all related to alcohol, is simply too much. Not reasonable. He always had some reason it wasn't about him having been drunk at the time, and how it wasn't going to happen again, and how he'd never ever want to hurt me, but when push came to shove he couldn't meet a perfectly reasonable expectation.

None of us are perfect of course! but some things are simply not acceptable. You have to decide for yourself what is and is not acceptable to you.

Some people do turn their lives around after being imprisoned for alcohol-related problems, but it isn't automatic, it's still long hard work. I hope he can do it! for his sake, as well as yours. But - remember that you cannot do it for him, and nothing you do or don't do will make the difference.