Dating an alcoholic and I got pregnant...

Old 06-17-2008, 10:39 AM
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Welcome to SR!

Relationships are a challenge no matter how you look at it. It is always a matter of compromise on the part of both parties. Compromise without resentment.

My husband and I are both strong, independent personalities (he is not an alcoholic). We've been married for 23 years. So can a relationship work when there are two very strong, independent (and different political affiliations too!) people live together in harmony? Absolutely yes.

But throw in addiction and a new little one, and the challenge is definitely BIGGER.

When my RA son and his girlfriend announced that they were pregnant, my heart dropped (my son was deep into alcoholism at that time). I worried about them and the unborn baby. That was over three years ago and my little grandson is such a joy. My son's girlfriend is now is ex-girlfriend but they co-parent beautifully (now that he is in recovery). I respect her so much for not rushing into marriage with him. I supported her decision to move out a few months after the baby was born because my son was impossible to live with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have huge challenges ahead of you but they are not unsurmountable. You can't control your bf and he can't control you. As long as you are both attempting to do just that, there will always be conflict. If you have not already done so, I would highly recommend that you learn as much about alcoholism, addiction, recovery and codependency as you can. Understanding these things will help you to understand your man and YOURSELF much better.

gentle hugs to you and the wee one in your tummy
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
The thing is - I have to give him credit for wanting to be part of this. taking care of me and the baby is very important to him - he wants to provide and he wants me to let him do what he can... but we don't see eye to eye...

From what you said earlier, what you get with this man is controlling behaviours, the manipulative threats, the silent treatments. My experience with men who want to control women tells me that it only gets worse the closer the involvement. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is likely to want to cut you off from your friends and family? Do you want to be involved with a man who will teach your child that controlling a partner/wife/other adult is the right sort of relationship dynamic? Do you wnat to have the manipulations increase until you start doubting yourself and your thoughts?

Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
I've taken very good care of myself for a long time and I trust my instincts - they've never steered me wrong. He has spent the majority of his life making very very poor decisions.... and now hes accusing me of that.
Trust your instincts! Do not allow yourself to be convinced that you are not who you are or that you need to change to fit his desire for what you should be. A true relationship is based on both people being who the genuinely are and accepting the other as they genuinely are.
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Old 06-17-2008, 11:36 AM
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Well I looked up all my local alanon meetings and there are a ton of them - but they all seem to have different themes... how do i know which one is right for me? I think I went to one on the past (my brother is an addict) but I recall feeling as if it just didnt seem like the right thing for me...

Can someone define codependent for me?? Am I being codependent or is he??
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Old 06-17-2008, 12:41 PM
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"The thing is - I have to give him credit for wanting to be part of this. taking care of me and the baby is very important to him - he wants to provide and he wants me to let him do what he can...Maybe I'm just way too independent, but I've taken very good care of myself for a long time and I trust my instincts - they've never steered me wrong. He has spent the majority of his life making very very poor decisions.... and now hes accusing me of that."

IMO, you don't have to give him credit just 'cos he says that he wants to be part of this...actions speak louder than words and his behaviour doesn't match his statement. You may also want to question his motives. You have a lot more (due to your good decision making) than he does (due to his bad decision making). Maybe, he's seeing you as a way to get hold of more than what he's got and the baby as a way to control you and keep access to you and your assetts.
As a mom, I have to agree with the comments that becoming a parent is very demanding and challenging (although utterly joyful too) and a major adjustment. The way that he is behaving now suggests that he will add to the demands and challeges, not help with them. If you have a good friend or 2 or close family members, you might want to reach out to them to make sure that there are others who can be with you as you go through these first steps (pregnancy, birth, infant, etc).
Also, don't let his irrational behaviour cause you to question your judgement or decisions (like wondering if you are way too independent). That's what As do, they constantly say and do things that leave us wondering if we are looney.
Lastly, decide what your boundaries are, set them and stick with them. You can't tell him what to do, but you can decide what is right for you and your baby (and don't use his opinion as a barometer for this - check in with people you trust and have known longer or others like the folks here).
Take care of yourself and your baby. You really are at the beginning of a wonderful adventure with him/her.
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is likely to want to cut you off from your friends and family? Do you want to be involved with a man who will teach your child that controlling a partner/wife/other adult is the right sort of relationship dynamic? Do you wnat to have the manipulations increase until you start doubting yourself and your thoughts?
Any effort I could make to state this better would be a waste of time -- Barbara is reading the crystal ball here.

Your instincts are correct, blue. This is SERIOUSLY not a person you want to be considering living with yet...he wants to "take care of you" but only on his terms and with a hefty helping of guilt, manipulation, anger, and controlling behavior. Oh my gosh have I been there and done that. Add to that the substantial chance that all alcoholics have of relapsing, and his general treatment of you AND lack of relationship skills, and you've got a recipe for a terrible future.

It sounds like you don't really have any real need to move in with him -- you're better off than he is anyway. You're considering this because HE wants to, because you're "supposed" to on some cosmic level. How about this: You continue to live where you live, which sounds like a nice place for you & the baby. He can contribute to the child's expenses, and be part of the child's life & yours just as long as his behavior is acceptable to you. If after a period of time (months/years) he shows that he's worthy of more of a commitment from you, then you can revisit it, but at this point getting any closer to him sounds like a horrible mistake.

Just my opinion, though. Your mileage may vary....
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:29 PM
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Boy I'm glad I found this place. Thank you all so much. I guess its a red flag too if I feel afraid to .... break up with him or at least step back a little. I'm a bit worried about how he will react. Sad thing is - we were fine a week ago. As soon as we started looking at places to move it went down hill fast... he just changed into a guy I dont want to be around. And he just denies any issues on his part - its all me. I'm selfish, I make hasty decisions, I don't think things through, and because my mom helps me out now and then, I 'take handouts'. I just don't have the energy for this. trying to reason with an irrational and unreasonable man is pointless, i've tried. He texted me and said I need to understand that hes very stressed out and I need to be on the same page as him. I replied he needs to work on his stress - AA meetings, therapy, talk to his sponsor, something.... no reply. I'm sure he didnt like that. I cant be on the same page as him when we disagree! I just dont want to deal with this.
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Old 06-17-2008, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
I'm a bit worried about how he will react.
For me, worrying about his reaction would be reason enough all on its own to step back or break it off. Feeling fear in a relationship is jsut not healthy and not somewhere I want to be.


Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
he just denies any issues on his part - its all me. I'm selfish, I make hasty decisions, I don't think things through, and because my mom helps me out now and then, I 'take handouts'.
That all sounds like manipulation and quacking from an alcoholic to me.
Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
trying to reason with an irrational and unreasonable man is pointless
Absolutley! And its not likely to improve with time or the added stresses to a relationship that a child inevitably brings even under the best of circumstances.

Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
I just dont want to deal with this.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:23 PM
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I wonder if he talked to his sponsor about all this, if he (sponsor) would call him out on it... I guess I'm wondering if its as obvious to other people as it is to the group here...
If I call him on anything hes got all the justifications right there, ready to go and tries to make me look like I just dont understand.
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Old 06-17-2008, 02:51 PM
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Hi Blue

I am a single parent. My first daughter's father was a drug addict. I chose to do it on my own, it is the best desicion i have ever made.

He would not have been there for me or her, so why have the added stress of someone who you know is going to fail and hurt you and your child.

My daughters are my life, they have given my so much joy, the love i have for my children is immense.

You can if you choose, enjoy motherhood as i have without the added burden of caretaking an alcoholic.

Glad your here

Mair xx
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:32 PM
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But he is a recovering (or at least not drinking) alcoholic - hes been sober for over 2 years... his sobriety is important to him. My pregnancy came as a shock and suprise so Im not suprised hes freaking out. I just dont know how he will continue to act - I do believe he wont start drinking again though. He has spent so much time in jail due to his drinking that he doesnt want to go there again...
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Old 06-17-2008, 04:38 PM
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I read through this entire thread several times before I decided to put in my two cents. So you want to know what codependent is. YOU are. He is an addict who is pulling a dry drunk. He's also mean. Period.

So, as a codependent, you are enmeshed in wanting to know what is going on inside HIS head while being totally confused in your own. You have fruitless discussions. You allow him to manipulate you, which is evident when he contradicts himself. He'll say whatever he needs to say in order to get you to swallow the crap he's dishing out.

And you tend to contradict yourself. On the one hand, this man sounds like one of the meanest son-of-a-guns to come down the pike. Then, you try to justify staying involved with this character by saying, "But he WANTS to provide." Yeah, right ... on his own terms; not your's.

Frankly, I fail to see what characteristics this man possesses that would make you want him to have any role in your child's life. Someone who has a boatload of emotional problems/issues, is a control freak, and takes NO RESPONSIBILITY for his behavior or actions. As I said before, I wouldn't let someone with so many creepy characteristics anywhere near my child.
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Old 06-18-2008, 08:15 AM
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Prodigal: Hes not mean. hes said a few mean things, he apologizes and its certainly not on a regular basis. The good of this guy BY FAR out weighs the bad. hes got his problems for sure - don't we all - but hes far far from "one of the meanest son-of-a-guns to come down the pike" - OMG that actually made me laugh!!! (he lies on the floor with my kittens, he brings me coffee in bed, he covers me in kisses every morning, he builds me shelves and tables as presesnts, he fills my tank with gas every week, he takes me to romantic dinners, he cleans my kitchen when im tired, he rubs my feet, i could go on and on) I've typed about our recent problems here and my concerns but I could fill another 3 pages with all the sweet loving things he does for me all the time. I am not an idiot, I know better than to put up with mistreatment which is why i let him leave the other night. He had time to think and realized he was wrong and made it very clear, and he sincelerly apologized. He does not manipulate me - he has tried but it didn't work. If I had fallen for his manipulation we'd be renting a place together - and we're not. I am not that confused in my head - its all upsetting and I am trying to work though it but I am not confused - I see pretty clearly what I've got to deal with. I know things could quite possible change for the worse. Theres no guarantee it will work, but there's also no guarantee he is going to start drinking again and become "one of the meanest son-of-a-guns to come down the pike" (LOL!!!) People DO change and I dont believe every alcoholic is doomed to be a miserable POS for their entire life. I've been through ONE and ONLY ONE (No Pattern Here) abusive realtionship - now THAT guy was mean - and I went through so much therapy afterward, read so many books and took a semester of college courses on violent men and psychology and all that in preparation to become a domestic violence counselor (which I didnt do). My eyes are wide open, and as I said before - I am fully aware of what I've got ahead of me. But I believe in giving people chances. Why shouldn't this guy have a shot at being a good father? "Oh you're an alcoholic but you've been clean for 2+ years?? Well uh... ok I think you're far too damaged for me so bye." <----Thats Not Me. I have NO history of abuse (aside from the one year relationship I mentioned earlier) or substance abuse issues, i have a loving supportive family (so does he) and I am far from clueless or weak or (too) confused. But thanks for your input.
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Old 06-29-2008, 02:47 PM
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Help yourself and your baby.

Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
Thank you all - I really hope it works. I dont know what to think though - I'm such a mellow positive happy person - this is pretty new to me.... and I dont much like it.
I will keep in touch and would love more insight form anyone who cares to share!
Thanks so much
I to was a very mellow happy person. let me tell you that without a support system in place for you, you to will change into a negative person that is scared. You need to keep living your life. You do not and should not spend every minute with this man. You have a baby on the way and you and the baby are the most important not what he is feeling. He needs to work his program or you are headed for a lifetime of misery and the happy you person you are will no longer be. get help for yourself before it is to late.
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Old 10-31-2008, 06:10 PM
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Reading back on this is quite eye opening. It was 4.5 months ago when i started this thread. Since then I've had a miscarriage (in July) and it couldn't have been much worse. 2 D&Cs, 2 trips to the ER all within 5 days. And this man was by my side the entire time. I don't think I would have made it through without him, the pain and the drugs and the misery was way too much. To make a long story short, the whole ordeal seemed to renew our realtionship and we did move in together in September. Within a month it was over...
Here is where we are now, posted in Loved Ones In Prison.



Hi, new here. Need big help.
Tomorrow I go visit my ex in jail for the 1st time. Hes been in plenty before we met, but was sober and awesome when we met and has since gone down down down hill. He is diagnosed bipolar and not on meds which evidently fuels his addiction. He went manic in early September, and all the bad stuff started - cheating, lying, drugs and alcohol, more lying. I left him and he really went off and got in a drunk driving accident, 4 days in hospital, injured 2 of his passengers. He doesnt have a license - past DUIs and other traffic prblems have seen to that. Hes currently facing 4 driving under restraints and suprisingly only 1 DUI. So he was arrested on 10/21. We do love each other but I tend to run when things get bad - can you blame me? Then he gets hurt or arrested and i run back to save/protect him only to find him.... impossible to deal with.

I go to visit him tomorrow. I received a letter from him today where he said I have hurt him deeply and he doubts he can trust me. OK, fine. I feel the same about him! He says he intends on treatment as he'll use and abuse if he were to be freed now. He denies being bipolar - thats probably the biggest problem. Hes delusional. I assume hes been straight now for almost 2 weeks, but hes still angry and aggressive and thinks I"m the enemy and that i use his honesty against him.

I have no idea what to say to him. I do love him and miss TERRIBLY the guy I met. Hes a different person now. We've been through a lot together. i dont know what to do.

Any help is very appreciated.
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Old 10-31-2008, 07:25 PM
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I am so sorry about your loss and I hope you have the energy to be good to yourself! :ghug

As for your man, I was once in a relationship with a bipolar man (who also had psychotic episodes) and while the breakup threw me into a terrible depression, I am so grateful now that he cheated and lied while manic and I broke up with him. I have the utmost respect for people who have bipolar and work on managing and treating it, but never in a million years would I get involved with an unmedicated bipolar, ESPECIALLY one who self-medicates with alcohol. It is a constant rollercoaster and even if one day he decides to go on meds, there is never a guarantee that he will stay on them when swinging into mania or hypomania.

I was obsessed with that man and it was an intense relationship and it took me a while to really get over it (I needed therapy and meds to deal with that breakup), but I have saved myself so many nightmares. Shortly after his mania, he went into a depression and hid a gun under his bed to shoot himself. Then he was manic again.

I am now with an alcoholic, which is difficult, but to imagine being with an alcoholic bipolar man who is in denial sounds absolutely impossible for me. Please don't get sucked back in. Take it as a sign and move on. My ex was the most attentive, sweet, loving man until he turned into Dr. Jekyll, then he was sweet, then cheated, and so it goes to this day...He was never violent with me, but he verbally abused the girl he was with after me and is on the road to becoming an abuser.

Good luck to you. Please think hard about this one.
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Old 10-31-2008, 09:04 PM
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Im very sorry to hear about your miscarrriage, ive been there and i know how that pain feels its not easy to go through

i would take a step back from the guy and let him get straight but everyone makes their own decisions , you have to do what makes you happy

i wish you the best
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Old 11-01-2008, 06:04 AM
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I am not clear just how "ex" he is. Not clear, at all.
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Old 11-01-2008, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by bluejupiter View Post
We do love each other but I tend to run when things get bad - can you blame me? Then he gets hurt or arrested and i run back to save/protect him only to find him.... impossible to deal with.
Insanity = repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. That applies to loves ones as well as addicts/alcoholics.

There are two books I would suggest for you-Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Even though the infidelities and beatings had started before my exAH went back to prison on a parole violation, I wasted no time on marrying him as soon as he got out.

You see, in my mind (and with plenty of verbal reassurances from him), he was just a victim of circumstances. He was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. No one understood him. No one ever gave him a chance. He was Mr. Wonderful when I met him. I was his one and only. I was the one for him.

Then it got worse. His drinking/drug use increased to the point of paranoia. I was punched, hit in the back of the head, thrown down the basement steps, body-slammed to the floor, choked, and had the tip of a knife poking my side as he threatened to kill me.

My bar of standards was so low no one could limbo under that one. I was a shell of a person with no self-esteem, no sense of worth, nothing but a conviction that I didn't deserve any better and was damned lucky to have him (and he often reminded me of that).

The disease of alcoholism kills, and you don't even have to be the alcoholic.

Many untreated codependents have died at the hands of their abuser, or took their own lives because the pain of living with active alcoholism became too great to bear.

I am so grateful today that I left my exAH when I did, and even though it was years before I truly addressed my codependency issues, today I know I deserve respect, kindness, and healthy love, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

That exAH of mine was buried last year at the age of 47, complications from AIDS had finally won out.

Had I stayed with him only 2 weeks longer than I did, I too would have contracted HIV from him.

This disease kills.
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Old 11-01-2008, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I was his one and only. I was the one for him.
i swear i am starting to really dislike your posts lol, they hit the nail on the head for me

that one statement used to run through my head everytime i thought about my husband, but i realize now whoever hes with is his "one"

sometimes i wish i could live in codie fantasy land, reality sucks!

Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-01-2008 at 08:48 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 11-01-2008, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by veryrestless722 View Post
i swear i am starting to really dislike your posts lol, they hit the nail on the head for me

that one statement used to run through my head everytime i thought about my husband, but i realize now whoever hes with is his "one"

sometimes i wish i could live in codie fantasy land, reality sucks!
I think they all get the same secret manual before they hook up with us on exactly what to say to rope in a codependent!
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