How do you know when?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
How do you know when?
Hello all... this is my first post here. I married an alcoholic 4 years ago, although I didn't realize at the time the extent of his drinking! Two years ago, we had a child. His drinking progressed to an every day occurence and he became rather nasty when he drank. Finally, we hit the moment of truth when he chose to put our child in the car after spending the day at the bar, and drive him. I gave him an ultimatum, and 12 weeks later on the day I was going to file for divorce, he stopped drinking.
He has been sober since with the exception of one relapse - which is 40 days or so... but I still can't change my way of thinking. I feel like the wear and tear on our relationship over the last 4 years has killed everything I felt for him once. I feel so incredibly guilty that now that he is finally in recovery, I still don't want a future with him. I am happy that he is in recovery - and want to support him, but I really don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him. Too much has happened and I don't know that I can get past it. I don't want to make the wrong decision, and am not sure if this is a normal reaction after the drinking, or if I just had enough! I am in therapy, and have been to al-anon (although my attendance is spotty).
I really appreciate you listening, and would greatly appreciate any feedback or advise you might have. Thanks!
He has been sober since with the exception of one relapse - which is 40 days or so... but I still can't change my way of thinking. I feel like the wear and tear on our relationship over the last 4 years has killed everything I felt for him once. I feel so incredibly guilty that now that he is finally in recovery, I still don't want a future with him. I am happy that he is in recovery - and want to support him, but I really don't think I can spend the rest of my life with him. Too much has happened and I don't know that I can get past it. I don't want to make the wrong decision, and am not sure if this is a normal reaction after the drinking, or if I just had enough! I am in therapy, and have been to al-anon (although my attendance is spotty).
I really appreciate you listening, and would greatly appreciate any feedback or advise you might have. Thanks!
It's a perfectly normal response. Your trust has been broken and boundaries have been overstepped and you've probably lost much if not all of your respect for him.
Lat week my brother said to me that my relationship with my exAB was like a broken glass, you can stick the pieces back together but you can always see the cracks and the glass is never as strong again no matter how much glue you use
Only you know what is right for you but it sounds as though you are a fair way along the decision making path. Best of luck to you
Lat week my brother said to me that my relationship with my exAB was like a broken glass, you can stick the pieces back together but you can always see the cracks and the glass is never as strong again no matter how much glue you use
Only you know what is right for you but it sounds as though you are a fair way along the decision making path. Best of luck to you
I, too, decided that I was finished with my relationship with my AH when, after drinking all day, he drove our son.
It showed me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that staying with my husband while he continued to drink was a very dangerous proposition.
I told him that we were leaving.
He decided to go to inpatient treatment.
Began to work his recovery.
Eventually we reconciled.
I was very conflicted when he sought recovery. Obviously I wanted him to get better, but I had also grown to enjoy my role as the "competent, respectable" spouse. This is my co-dependence.
I wanted to leave him without anyone faulting me for doing so.
I found myself missing his mistakes because they took the focus off my own.
At the same time, I wanted him to get better.
Needless to say, it was a very confusing time. I'm still confused on a regular basis.
I say all of this to suggest that you give yourself some time to sort through all of the confusion. You don't have to decide right now whether you want to stay or go.
Sometimes love dies.
Alcoholism, abuse, and fear can kill it.
Every now and then, recovery can resurrect it.
Good luck to you - I'm glad you found us!
-TC
It showed me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that staying with my husband while he continued to drink was a very dangerous proposition.
I told him that we were leaving.
He decided to go to inpatient treatment.
Began to work his recovery.
Eventually we reconciled.
I was very conflicted when he sought recovery. Obviously I wanted him to get better, but I had also grown to enjoy my role as the "competent, respectable" spouse. This is my co-dependence.
I wanted to leave him without anyone faulting me for doing so.
I found myself missing his mistakes because they took the focus off my own.
At the same time, I wanted him to get better.
Needless to say, it was a very confusing time. I'm still confused on a regular basis.
I say all of this to suggest that you give yourself some time to sort through all of the confusion. You don't have to decide right now whether you want to stay or go.
Sometimes love dies.
Alcoholism, abuse, and fear can kill it.
Every now and then, recovery can resurrect it.
Good luck to you - I'm glad you found us!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Only you can tell if and when you have had enough and are done with the relationship. One thing to remember if you do decide you need to leave is that it doesn't have to be permanent. Heck, nothing is permanent. If you decide you want to separate, it does not have to lead to divorce unless time tells you that is the right move for you and your child.
You say your AH has stopped drinking. Is he is some sort of recovery program? Does he go to AA?
You say your AH has stopped drinking. Is he is some sort of recovery program? Does he go to AA?
If your choose to divorce, you soon-to-be -ex-husband will get every other weekend
and a month or more of summer court ordered visitation.Or worse case, every other week.
You will not be around during those times to supervise and notice when and if he relapses, etc. Factor this in before you make your decision abt. what is best for your son.
My ex is a real creep with some involvement with drugs. He was still granted standard visitation. Along with his goofy live-in girlfriend. My poor son had to be shuttled between two homes and two lifestyles. My only regret in life.
That being said, we divorced when my son was just two because I could not have spent 16 more yrs. with him. My son grew up to be an addict. I believe he has a genetic predispostion that was compounded by influence from his dad and dad's drug problem.
Take care to do all you can to help your son through and after the divorce if that is your decision.
and a month or more of summer court ordered visitation.Or worse case, every other week.
You will not be around during those times to supervise and notice when and if he relapses, etc. Factor this in before you make your decision abt. what is best for your son.
My ex is a real creep with some involvement with drugs. He was still granted standard visitation. Along with his goofy live-in girlfriend. My poor son had to be shuttled between two homes and two lifestyles. My only regret in life.
That being said, we divorced when my son was just two because I could not have spent 16 more yrs. with him. My son grew up to be an addict. I believe he has a genetic predispostion that was compounded by influence from his dad and dad's drug problem.
Take care to do all you can to help your son through and after the divorce if that is your decision.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
I am sorry you are dealiing with this.
I too lost the felings of love I had for a man
I have been with since I was 16 years old.
At age 41 my kids and I are making it on our own.
He lived in a sober house for 8 months and relapsed on a
weekend pass he should have been spending with us.
My last words to him when he went to live at the sober house
were "I will never again feel the way I did when you were in active addiction"
My love just died I think I was so in love with the fantasy of what
our life could be. He was not able to be the person I needed him to be.
It was sooooo hard but I knew things were not going to get better.
I could not compete with the bottle,it always won.
Maybe your husband will stay sober maybe not.
I want you to be happy,it took me a while but I made the break.
Don't wait for him to decide your future,do what's right for you.
Take care..........
I too lost the felings of love I had for a man
I have been with since I was 16 years old.
At age 41 my kids and I are making it on our own.
He lived in a sober house for 8 months and relapsed on a
weekend pass he should have been spending with us.
My last words to him when he went to live at the sober house
were "I will never again feel the way I did when you were in active addiction"
My love just died I think I was so in love with the fantasy of what
our life could be. He was not able to be the person I needed him to be.
It was sooooo hard but I knew things were not going to get better.
I could not compete with the bottle,it always won.
Maybe your husband will stay sober maybe not.
I want you to be happy,it took me a while but I made the break.
Don't wait for him to decide your future,do what's right for you.
Take care..........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your reponses! My husband is currently going to AA every night, and therapy one night a week. I don't know if he will stay sober... the people he speaks with at AA don't think so quite yet - he is a bit overconfident on his ability to 'beat this thing.'
Spiritual Seeker - We had a discussion when this first happened and he got sober about what to do if he ever fell off and we were divorced, and we agreed to add a clause (should it come to that) to the divorce decree that had provisions for just that - so that he would be able to see our son, but not unsupervised when my husband was not in a good place so that our son would not know that side of him if possible (or at least to limit the exposure). We also agreed that we will need to enter some sort of therapy down the road to educate our son to the dangers of alcohol!
My son is my primary concern in all of this. I grew up in a very unhappy home with parents that should have divorced when I was young, and didn't until I was much older. Because of that, I grew up with distorted views of a family, the interaction of a family, etc.. I don't know if living in a broken home is any better, if both are happy. I do know that ensuring my son has the best life possible is a priority for me.
Toughchoices - I completely relate! I remember when he started to get sober, I somewhat wished he would just keep drinking because then it gave me a 'reason' and an 'excuse' to leave, and I would be the hero for 'rescuing' our son.
Aweda - I have actually been wondering lately if I fell in love with what my husband could be. I was always the one who saw the potential in him, not him. I am wondering if I built up the man in my head to what he could be to a level that he just can't or even doesn't want to live up to.
Thank you again for all of your responses!
Spiritual Seeker - We had a discussion when this first happened and he got sober about what to do if he ever fell off and we were divorced, and we agreed to add a clause (should it come to that) to the divorce decree that had provisions for just that - so that he would be able to see our son, but not unsupervised when my husband was not in a good place so that our son would not know that side of him if possible (or at least to limit the exposure). We also agreed that we will need to enter some sort of therapy down the road to educate our son to the dangers of alcohol!
My son is my primary concern in all of this. I grew up in a very unhappy home with parents that should have divorced when I was young, and didn't until I was much older. Because of that, I grew up with distorted views of a family, the interaction of a family, etc.. I don't know if living in a broken home is any better, if both are happy. I do know that ensuring my son has the best life possible is a priority for me.
Toughchoices - I completely relate! I remember when he started to get sober, I somewhat wished he would just keep drinking because then it gave me a 'reason' and an 'excuse' to leave, and I would be the hero for 'rescuing' our son.
Aweda - I have actually been wondering lately if I fell in love with what my husband could be. I was always the one who saw the potential in him, not him. I am wondering if I built up the man in my head to what he could be to a level that he just can't or even doesn't want to live up to.
Thank you again for all of your responses!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 60
Looking beyond -I have actually been wondering lately if I fell in love with what my husband could be. I was always the one who saw the potential in him, not him. I am wondering if I built up the man in my head to what he could be to a level that he just can't or even doesn't want to live up to.
I have felt and thought a lot of the same things as you. I can totally relate. I am just waiting it out until I know for sure what the right choice is for me. I am doing a lot of deep thinking and attending church hoping the answers will come to me. I too think about what is best for my children. Somedays I still hold out that something miraculous will happen and my husband will make huge progress in his recovery and become the person I dreamed he would be. I do believe he has great potential he just doesn't believe in himself. I thought as I was his biggest believer and supporter that he would start believeing and succeeding and he did begin his path briefly only to destroy it with pills instead of alcohol.
I have felt and thought a lot of the same things as you. I can totally relate. I am just waiting it out until I know for sure what the right choice is for me. I am doing a lot of deep thinking and attending church hoping the answers will come to me. I too think about what is best for my children. Somedays I still hold out that something miraculous will happen and my husband will make huge progress in his recovery and become the person I dreamed he would be. I do believe he has great potential he just doesn't believe in himself. I thought as I was his biggest believer and supporter that he would start believeing and succeeding and he did begin his path briefly only to destroy it with pills instead of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: manchester uk
Posts: 10
i finally left after 10 miserable years with my xAH i stayed for my children and i thought i was doing the best for them they never complained and i thought they were coping ok until i did finally leave, and my then 6yr old said to me one day " i love you mummy and i love daddy but I'm glad we don't live with him any more , because you don't cry all the time and we laugh now " i had to stop the car i cryd so much and it still brings me to tears now thinking about it , i was so stupid i though they wernt being affected, but we've been gone 18 mnths now and iv watched my children change and grow confident and open there petals and turn into the children they should be,
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Just wanted to say Welcome to SR!
Sorry that you are going through this-Glad that you are seeking counseling and Al-Anon-it has helped me through a lot in my life!
Loved this statement-it says a lot!
Keep posting!
Sorry that you are going through this-Glad that you are seeking counseling and Al-Anon-it has helped me through a lot in my life!
Sometimes love dies.
Alcoholism, abuse, and fear can kill it.
Every now and then, recovery can resurrect it.
Alcoholism, abuse, and fear can kill it.
Every now and then, recovery can resurrect it.
Keep posting!
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