Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 47
Help
Hello everyone, iam a rec. alcoholic and ive been to a few meetings this week and have heard 3 times now in one week of people that got divorced 11 years into their sobriety and iam in my 11th year and can see that this could happen, my wife refuses alonon or any help and she feels this is my problem not hers, would love to see her go, however i know its her path iam just looking for any suggestions.:praying
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I would say that just because it happened to other people does not mean it will happen to you!
by the way... 11yrs sober - Congratulations!
I have no experience of living with a RAH so I don't know how long it can take for the relationship to adjust to the new workings of sobriety, but I would've thought after 11yrs, things would be settled now. Perhaps the issues are not to do with alcohol/recovery? Sometimes problems occur in marriages just because they do.
If she is determined to not attend Al-anon or therapy with you, you cannot make her. All you can do is keep your side of the street clean, as they say. Sit and honestly listen to her, try to make more time to be with her as a loving husband.
There will be no doubt, hurt that she may have buried away inside of her, only she can work through. You can however help her to see that you have now changed by making little gestures of your affection to her, make her a nice dinner, tidy the house without being asked, ask how she is feeling, give her a massage, go for a picnic together etc etc. Help her to remember what it feels like to be someone's special princess.
Sometimes we just get into the habit of focusing on someones bad points (which we all have!) and forgetting the goodness. Hopefully your gestures will help remind her of what she once had with you.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
by the way... 11yrs sober - Congratulations!
I have no experience of living with a RAH so I don't know how long it can take for the relationship to adjust to the new workings of sobriety, but I would've thought after 11yrs, things would be settled now. Perhaps the issues are not to do with alcohol/recovery? Sometimes problems occur in marriages just because they do.
If she is determined to not attend Al-anon or therapy with you, you cannot make her. All you can do is keep your side of the street clean, as they say. Sit and honestly listen to her, try to make more time to be with her as a loving husband.
There will be no doubt, hurt that she may have buried away inside of her, only she can work through. You can however help her to see that you have now changed by making little gestures of your affection to her, make her a nice dinner, tidy the house without being asked, ask how she is feeling, give her a massage, go for a picnic together etc etc. Help her to remember what it feels like to be someone's special princess.
Sometimes we just get into the habit of focusing on someones bad points (which we all have!) and forgetting the goodness. Hopefully your gestures will help remind her of what she once had with you.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Congrats on 11 years of sobriety! That's terrific!!!!
I'll echo Lilyflowers sentiment.....just because it has happened to others doesn't mean it will happen to you.
Living with an alcoholic is a very difficult thing to do. Living through the process with a recovering alcoholic is also a very difficult thing to do. She's dealing with it in her own way. It may not be the way that you want her to.......but it is not within your control.
Sometimes things work themselves out and sometimes they just don't. Continue to tend to your own recovery......it's the best thing you can do.....for both of you.
gentle hugs
I'll echo Lilyflowers sentiment.....just because it has happened to others doesn't mean it will happen to you.
Living with an alcoholic is a very difficult thing to do. Living through the process with a recovering alcoholic is also a very difficult thing to do. She's dealing with it in her own way. It may not be the way that you want her to.......but it is not within your control.
Sometimes things work themselves out and sometimes they just don't. Continue to tend to your own recovery......it's the best thing you can do.....for both of you.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 47
I would like to thank all who responded although i knew what was going to be said , I still need to reafirm that through other people and your advice is very wise, as a recovering Ah iam so greatful to this program and my sponsor had told me to spread that news by showing my family what it has done for me through my ACTIONS AND THE SAME WILL BE BESTOWED ON YOU.. So i know i have to share my lovefrom my higher power i cant have it.
Thanks all
Greatful alcoholic
corey.
Thanks all
Greatful alcoholic
corey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Congrats on 11 years that is great 
The advice you are getting is great as well, you can't force her to go she needs to go on her own...When she says that it is your problem and not hers she is wrong to a certain extent, because this disease effects everyone involved not just the alcoholic/addict...Just continue on your recovery, and things will happen the way they are supposed to.
The advice you are getting is great as well, you can't force her to go she needs to go on her own...When she says that it is your problem and not hers she is wrong to a certain extent, because this disease effects everyone involved not just the alcoholic/addict...Just continue on your recovery, and things will happen the way they are supposed to.
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