Old 06-14-2008, 11:08 AM
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Curled up in a good book...
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I'm a fool. When will I unlearn to trust him?

We had a big talk last week. 'Oh, I'm in a bad place' he says, 'I'm trying! I will stop drinking, I can't control it'. All the usual you think? Well, not really for my AH - its the first he's said he needs to stop. So I think, hmmm maybe a teeny tiny chance things will change???


He asks me what I need from this marriage. I tell him - no more verbal abuse, no more manipulation, pull your weight around the house and you have to stop drinking. He's been seeing a counsellor for this for a few months now and I don't see much effect (maybe I'm trying too hard to stop being a codie since I don't count his drinks/binges anymore?). I said that I'd like to see some improvement by the end of August. He tells me everything I want to hear of course and, while I try to remain detached and the rational part of my brain says that this is all quacking, there is a wee glimmer of hope in the back of my head...

So today he has been out drinking most of the day, has done next to nothing all week around the house (he's off work with stress and has been for months) and, when I show just a tiny bit of vunerability he goes stright for the metaphorical jugular. When will I learn that he's sick in the head? That I can't rely on him?? I just keep wishing that a miracle will happen and he's back to being the guy I fell in love with. How stupid is that?

I feel like throwing a tantrum like a two year old child and scream that it just isn't fair!!!!

Why do I still give him the power to hurt me? Tell me I will learn to be immune!! I'm angry at him and me, feeling miserable and very sorry for myself. I hate this. Feels like I take 1 step forward and two back - or I'm, just going round and round in circles...
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Old 06-14-2008, 12:40 PM
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To me, it sounds as though you beginning to be aware of the patterns. This is the first step in recovery!

You are starting to understand and see through the fog of his words, before you may have blindly gone on as before after venting and talking to him, accepting his words and then feeling depressed that things haven't gotten any better. Now it sounds as though you are learning that his words may not be the what they seem. You seem to be realising that you want some solidity and progress rather than things just passing by day to day the same as before.

So I would say go easy on yourself, you are growing and learning each day and taking steps forward in recovery, yey to you!!!

So now you have begun to see through the fog, what will be your choices to make life better for you?

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-14-2008, 02:45 PM
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Things will change for you when you put your happiness and serenity in your own hands rather than his. As long as you allow yourself to be controlled and affected by what he does and does not do, you are abdicating responsibility for yourself.

Only you can decide to take control of your own life and start living, feeling, being based on what you do and do not do, what you feel and dont' feel.
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Old 06-14-2008, 02:46 PM
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You are not a fool, my dear. You heard something different from him about wanting to quit, he is getting help of some kind, and you sincerely want it to work. You asked for change, set some clear boundaries, and you gave him the space to step up. That is wonderful work! Only you can decide if you think he is simply relapsing as part of a greater change, or if nothing substantial has changed at all. In order for you to ever rely on him, he will have to demonstrate sustained progress over a period of time, as measured by his actions. You can decide to hang with him a little longer and see, or throw in the towel. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. But however you decide, it is important that you be in a peaceful and stable place for yourself. It shouldn't matter one way or the other for you. If it does, and you find yourself stressing over him or your decision, then that is a sign that you have some work to do on you. Keep posting and sharing with us. It will help you sort things out, and we'll keep pulling for you.:ghug
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Old 06-14-2008, 03:38 PM
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Well, I see that I am not the only one who is stuck in the BS of still believing the BS that he is saying.
I am so caught up in the "what if's and fears"...I think that my frustration is this, I feel STUCK and am not making a move...therefore I am sitting in all the pity over it...I pray, pray, pray but it doesn't do me any good when I don't follow through with any actions, he just sits back and watches. I really need help to push through this crap, my gut keeps telling me to follow through, but I keep stopping just short of it all....!?!?!?
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Old 06-14-2008, 08:28 PM
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I wish I knew about "quaking" this time last year, it would have saved me from hearing a lot of hurtful things and believing them.
I can see how you would believe him, because you want to. There's always a "what if". Two things I always believed (but didn't always stick to) were "Say what you mean and mean what you say" If he's going to keep drinking and not help, wouldn't it be so much easier if he just said that? The other is "Actions speak louder than words" I started to tell my RAH that a lot more towards the time he hit bottom.
Sorry I have to advice, but please don't be too hard on yourself - you're only human.
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Old 06-14-2008, 08:45 PM
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Keep reading. I've seen and experienced a very CLEAR message from both the family forums and the abusers forums since I've been here. Total detachment and completely letting them fall and suffer their own consequences. That pain is what they need to realize they really want to quit--for themselves.

I sincerely believe that total detachment is a true gift of love for the addict.
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Old 06-14-2008, 09:17 PM
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:56 PM
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I think once I stopped hoping that things would return back to the way they were and accepted that I couldnt change a thing - my life slowly came back.
As much as I miss her, I have accepted this is the way it is, right now.
It is their choice to live or die - not ours.
Love to you JJ
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Old 06-16-2008, 01:38 AM
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Curled up in a good book...
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Thanks everyone. You're all such a great source of support! :ghug2

I am still living with my AH but I do have a deadline for getting our house ready to put on the market (end of August). It needs quite a lot of paint to get it ready to sell in an uncertain housing market. Once it is sold I can move on. I've been working hard on my detachment but I do slip up every so often. Sometimes without realising it... I keep having sneaky thoughts that if my AH improves by then we might have a future together! Its hard to let go of 18 years together so sometimes I play the wait and see game while still preparing to leave. So as well as my codie ways I sometimes feel like I'm developing a multiple personality disorder!!

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 06-16-2008, 01:54 AM
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Just wanted to send some hugs and tell you I laughed out loud when I read the multiple personality disorder statement... I have the same thing!!!

Last edited by freeflower; 06-16-2008 at 01:56 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-16-2008, 03:03 AM
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I'm in a similar situation. I know I have to learn to focus on myself and less focus on him and make boundaries for him. I'm not yet ready to tell him to leave but I'll know when it's time.

I don't have much advice, but justed wanted you to know that other people are feeling the same way you are.

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Old 06-17-2008, 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted by freeflower View Post
Just wanted to send some hugs and tell you I laughed out loud when I read the multiple personality disorder statement... I have the same thing!!!
I remeber feeling this way too, I musy say that today I am much more of a whole person and not so fragmented!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 06-17-2008, 06:43 AM
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Now plan to stick with your goals and keep moving forward! It is about you now
and what you want-allowing him to have control is not an option!

Trust in yourself that you can get through this and it will be better in the long run for you. It is hard to detach from those we love but have faith that you can do this...

I use to think that my X was going to become sober and stick to it and things would get better-and we would live a happy future together-When I started to take the focus off what I wanted from him-and placed it on what I wanted-I began to detach and start living a happier life!

Whatever the outcome-allow yourself to be happy and do not short change yourself by allowing the "idea" of what could be...but rather what you deserve to be happy!

The quacking eventually tires us out! (From them and ourselves!)
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Old 06-17-2008, 03:02 PM
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I am in the same situation but I am just getting to the point of taking care of myself first and not worrying so much about him.
He went to AA on his own but then he was clean for about six months then he came home with a six-pack and said he just wanted to drink one..which he did...the only thing I think of now is oh great this is the beginning all over again. I am just numb as to what to do or say to him anymore....I dont want to fight about and I dont want to hear his I am going to change scenarios again...and he doesnt want to hurt me...his actions are so much louder than his words.....Oh well this is the life?
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:21 AM
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Curled up in a good book...
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I'm trying to keep the focus on myself too but I keep finding myself slipping. We both deserve so much better!
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Old 06-18-2008, 09:21 AM
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Things will change for you when you put your happiness and serenity in your own hands rather than his.
originally posted by Barbara.

This was such a powerful statement!

I've posted this before but I'll post it again. I visualize my emotional state as a "brick". It is MY brick and I protect it carefully. Because if I give that "brick" to someone else, it gives them the POWER to bash me in the head with it. For whatever reason, we give that brick to the A's in our lives and they KNOW they have it. They lure us close to them with the right words and then WHAM they hit us upside the head with our own brick.

Take your brick back.
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:38 AM
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Unhappy lies straight from the heart

Well as you have read my husband has a problem with alcohol which he admits but now hes got a little fairy dropping coke in his wallet....that is what I call it b/c he still will not admit to using it!!!!!!

I dont know why I even ask him b/c it wont make me feel any better...ohh wait maybe it would then I would know he was at least accepting it.. I just cant grasp the concept that he had cocaine deposits in his wallet but he cant even think of how it got there...he said he will take drug tests but it still doesnt make me feel better...I am numb to the whole idea that the man you love and says he loves you can even tell you the truth once in a while......Lies lies lies.....I know everybody here has dealt with it in one way or another so tell me do they really think somebody will believe them that they have or had the stuff in their wallet but they dont know how it got there...that is some pretty big denial...does this mean he is really addicted to it or what??: c029:
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