A question about enabling

Old 07-07-2003, 01:43 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
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A question about enabling

I'm constantly asked why I continue to buy alcohol for my A and do whatever he wants. I don't wish to live this way it just makes my life easier if I give in to my A's demands. It's mainly because it stops an argument and keeps some kind of sanity in my home. If I don't give in to him, he'll steal the money from me or sell something. He'll destroy my personal property. He'll yell at my son. He'll destroy work projects or worse yet, call someone I work with in a drunken rage. He will steal my car keys, steal my cell phone, cut all the phone lines in the house, disable my car, etc., etc., etc. He knows better than to hit me because he knows I would call the police so I'm not physically abused but the emotional abuse is draining. He knows how to push my buttons. My A started drinking again after six months. I do plan to leave or get legal assistance to have him removed from the home but in the meantime, I do not want to enable him. It's just so darn hard. Right now he is passed out cold in the basement. I know that when he gets up he will be demanding money because he's out of beer. (I took away his ATM/Credit Card and took his name off the bank account during his last drinking binge.) There are so many repercussions if I don't give in. I just know if I don't go get his beer tonight, there will be hell to pay. How do you guys handle it? What can I do to stop enabling him without putting me and my son in harm's way?
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Old 07-07-2003, 02:09 PM
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Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Others may disagree, but if what you are doing gives you peace then you have my blessing. The way I see it is that it leaves you in control of the money, which you need, and gives you enough peace to make your own plan to remove yourself from this situation.

I don't reacall from your other posts, but if you do not already go to Al-Anon, I would suggest it. It will help you get your balance and keep yourself sane. If you are planning to leave, which it appears you are, having live support available is also a wonderful thing. I think that removing yourself from this whole situation is a healthy choice.

You clearly recognize the emotional abuse you are being sujected to, and looking after yourself and your son should be a number one priority.

The way I see it is that you continue the way you are right now and have peace, or cut off his supply and have chaos and rage.
I'll take peace anyday.

Sending hugs and prayers. Just keep doing what feels right for you and keep yourself safe.
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Old 07-07-2003, 04:28 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
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It is hard to give advice because in the end you must do what is right for you!

Your A seems very abusive and if you have children that makes it twice as bad.

Follow your heart because you already know what you need to do!

As long as you give him what he wants you are an enabler! I say stop being afraid and allowing him to manipulate you. Take charge of your life and get some legal help if needed!

Love and many blessings
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Old 07-07-2003, 04:46 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531

I have to agree with both responses! If you are planning to leave.....what does it hurt to get his beer to keep things "pleasant" for you WHILE you make your escape plan. I see nothing wrong with keeping the peace until you plan is in order.....I had a friend that did the very same thing......made up her mind saw the lawyer had the papers drawn up all the while keeping peace until she was READY to proceed.

I wouldn't recommend it if you are thinking long term plan, but for short term.....why not?

My prayers are with you!
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Old 07-07-2003, 11:39 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129

I agree with Constant, who said if this works while you're getting your plan in order, then go for it. If what you are doing now is giving you some peace while you figure out what you want to do, don't beat yourself up about it. Those people who ask you why you do what you do aren't living in your shoes and they do not understand, nor do you have to answer to them.

I did the same thing with my first H when I'd decided I was leaving for good. I stopped fighting, stopped yelling, kept my mouth shut, did whatever it took to keep the peace, while I made my plans to leave. If I hadn't have done it that way, I may not ever have been able to get out safely.

Best wishes,
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Old 07-08-2003, 12:23 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
You are doing what you have to do. You said you already took his name off the bank account. You have already started. That was a big thing. Don't beat yourself up about it. That was brave.
You can't do anything before you are ready. Just look at all you have accomplished so far and realize with each baby step, it will get a little easier. Remember progress, not perfection.
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