Laan

Hiya, I'm not sure where to post this – I just need to get it out of my system.

I think f&f of a's suits as I think that's where it all started. I have mentioned this in some previous post - I've heard that people like my mother (especially the wives or husbands, but sometimes the children) become so dependent of that way of living, that once they are actually away from it, they still create trouble – as it is all they are used to.

In my previous post I expressed my concerns for myself turning out to be just like that. Someone commented that the fact that I am aware of this, I can correct it. I have tried. It seems as it gets even worse the more stress there is. I do not know what to do anymore – I am irrational and unfair at times. Even if I know – it's like there is this little voice that keeps me angry (please don't think I've entirely lost it)

I think I do know the whole reason for my emotional behavior, but it frightens me. Because I don't understand it. I know why I am angry & my sane brain tells me to just get over it & enjoy life now that I can, but then this incredible anger comes over me. I'll get angry at the smallest things! Anything can send my temper flaring – things that I could normally handle & I'd brew in that anger for long – then later, I'd be angry at myself for being angry! Does anybody get what I'm saying here? Or am I just crazy? Do I need to find the nearest Insane Institute & enter myself in there????

Well, also, our neigbors are driving me absolutely mad – they are students that have no consideration for other tenants whatsoever! Like this morning for instance – 2am they wake us up with this loud constant boom-boom music & shouting. This drives me absolutely crazy. I have gone over there last Sunday night & they even turned it off (I thought, ok no more issues) Nope – I had to call the agent today to lodge a formal complaint – I did not sign up to pay good money to live next to a disco!!!!

We're still waiting for the end of the month for the big move of my mother & brother. My mother is moving about 3hrs drive away (only place at this stage she can go) and my brother is moving in with a friend for six months at least – hopefully I can take him in after that! So I still hear if they bicker at home over nothing – it stresses me out. Maybe after the move I'll settle down?
Then at work I am getting annoyed as well – getting worked up over the way some people treat me....maybe I am over sensitive, but when these things happen my head wants to explode of the anger.

I suppose the reason I'm posting this essay material is to just get it off my back & if you didn't fall asleep halfway, maybe you could offer me some advice? Going to a Pshycologist is not really an option for me right now, therefore I am hoping to get some advice on how to deal with this for myself for now.

I appreciate you taking the time or posting....

peaceteach

Laan,

Is it possible that since you have given yourself the freedom of being separated from the chaos of your dad's alcoholism (by getting your own place) that you feel empowered enough and safe enough to be angry, as in maybe you had to stifle all these emotions when you lived at home? Is your anger a learned behavior (like, was your dad a big angry mess when you lived at home and it's all you know right now?) I'm trying to remember what I've read here by someone wise, that depression is anger turned inward on yourself, I think. I was just thinking that maybe now that you are "safe" and free to express yourself that your anger just needs to come out. But then, I'm certainly not a psychologist so I could also be full of it-LOL!

I think it's terrific that you are wanting to analyze this behavior. If you can't get to a therapist to walk through it, maybe you could spend some internet time researching anger management/causes/suggestions for dealing with feelings.

I do know that codies suffer the stuffing of their emotions much like an addict does, simply because to actually feel the feelings of pain hurts so much that we wind up disassociating from feeling in general and learn how to walk through life in a kind of robotic, dead way inside. And I also have read on some of the alcohol and substance abusers forums how they are so surprised by all the feelings they are going through once they stop the abuse of alcohol or drugs.

It really is too bad that you can't find a therapy situation to help you with this. I think it would be so powerful and a real gift to give yourself at this point. You've done so well with learning to step away from the madness and move forward towards a more healthy you. It would just help you continue your positive life journey to work through it with a helper.

One more thing, Laan. Lack of sleep really makes me an unhappy, irritable person! Hopefully that issue will get resolved

GiveLove

Hey Laan,

Okay: take a deep, deep breath, the biggest one you can.
Now let it all out slowly......take like ten seconds to let it out.
Now do that again.

First thing: You cannot expect to be all healed, normal, happy and calm yet in your situation. I think you expect too much of yourself, and maybe that's contributing to your anger. It takes time and patience and a little bit of faith in life before a lot of our changes "take." Give yourself more time to adjust to your new life -- it's stressful, and you're not being fair to yourself with all this self-judgment.

Second thing: And this comes from my own experiences, so take that into account. I used to have lots of rage. I mean, I'm not sure why anybody wanted to be around me at ALL for several years of my life. But I noticed that a lot of it is not some deeply ingrained horrible fault of mine....it's just circumstances, and they're circumstances I can do something about.

Like peace says above, disturbed sleep can make us feel like raving maniacs. And it seems so REAL, like we're going mad, when all we actually need is a couple of nights of uninterrupted sleep. That is a big part of my magic improve-your-mood kit, which I'll give you below. You may want to try some or all of these things to bring you back to the person you feel good about

--Sleep, sleep, and sleep. If I don't get enough of it, uninterrupted, I feel like my life is crashing down around me. That's an illusion...it's just the lack of sleep. When I have trouble, I take calcium supplements (or milk) before bedtime, along with a piece of toast or some high-carbohydrate thing, which is calming. Sometimes, if things are really hairy, I'll take melatonin, the dual-release kind that has a dose up front and a dose that kicks in after 3-4 hours. I got a white noise machine to block out sounds. I keep my bedroom really dark. I don't watch TV or read anything disturbing within an hour of bedtime. And I guard my sleep like a mama wolf....it is what keeps me sane.

--Vitamins. I have watched the difference between Me taking a B-vitamin supplement and Me not taking one, and the difference is ridiculously clear. Stress and alcohol destroy B vitamins in your body. Putting them back makes you feel calmer and clearer about everything.

--Light. It's winter there. Getting as much natural light during the day as you can will help you sleep at night, stay calmer, feel stronger.

--Activity. When I don't get any exercise, I feel sluggish and my self-image takes a SERIOUS nose dive. And I'm not talking about training for the Comrades, I'm just talking about a walk, some weights, watching a yoga tape. Anything and everything helps me feel sane. No activity makes me feel insane.

--Journaling. I keep a journal, and write my rage in there. See also the post called "What do you do with your anger" for some great ideas. Get mad. Let it out on paper.

Anyway.........those are the things I do to right myself when I feel like I'm teetering back into rage. Good luck, Laan.

Laan

Thank you - I do appreciate the advice. I will have to try some of my options! - thanks givelove.

Going to look up some solutions on the net also....

The worst thing is just that I know I am being so irrational - it's like my personality is turning nasty - so not me! People tell me I just need to deal with it -THAT just makes it instantly worse! I wanna bite their heads off - probably because I know they are right hey - so yeah - I haven't entirely lost it I suppose.

Yeah - I'm like a little kid - y'know, they get grumpy when they don't sleep. Also, when my dad used to make nonsense - he'd play blaring music - it gave me knots in my stomach - this noise from next door is not helping....sigh

Here I go again - I'm angry - why? What the heck is up with me? Peaceteach is probably right - now I am letting it all out? It's all just overflowing - the years of keeping it back for the sake of peace - even though I don't really know for sure what it's about?

Lets see what my intenet search brings up - I am really hopeful to get some helpful material to help me sort out these stupi9d emotions!

Thanks again!

GiveLove

Laan,
Ever think of learning the martial arts? I have a friend who had a lot of pent-up rage, and she took up Tae Kwon Do. Got very good at it in fact. But mostly, she did it because she got to legally hit things a lot She said it did WONDERS for her mood. I took up racquetball for the same reason. I'd beat the hell out of that little blue ball for an hour, chase it around and yell and swear, burn up about 500 calories doing it, and it was soooo therapeutic. Sorting it out in your mind will help a lot; giving your body some release might help too!

Good luck. We know you're really not like this Mr. Hyde you're feeling like right now. You just need to find your way back to who you really are. Hang in there!!

SailorKaren

Good to hear from you Laan! I care about you and your family, as it sounds very much like what I grew up with. At the risk of being in projection myself, I would say that you have been living with abuse. And therefore, feelings of anger and rage are entirely normal, and in fact helpful. I went for years and years suppressing anger, and it took extensive therapy and help to get to where you are now. Think about this: what would have happened at home if you had expressed any of your anger to your Dad? I'm guessing the outcome would not have been good. We survive abuse as best we can, and often that means hiding and stuffing our anger at being abused, in order not to suffer greater abuse by expressing it to the abuser. When we disconnect our anger in that way, we end up displacing it to the latest little thing that happens to us, because that's usually a place that won't retaliate with violence. But the proper place for our anger is with the abuser, not usually those around us. Please listen carefully to this: I'm not advocating confrontation with your Dad. You may choose to do so later, at a time and place of your choosing, with plenty of help and support. Right now, make a mental note that most likely, any intense anger you're feeling now, belongs with the one who abused you. A way to get at this is to take a moment to simply feel your anger, and ask it some questions. What is the earliest time you can remember where you felt this same anger? What was happening? Who was involved? Write this information down in a journal. When you feel calmer, go back to the journal and try writing a letter to your Dad and tell him how what he did made you feel. Don't send it. But really let it out. Writing activates additional healing pathways. You might do this in a quiet and safe place where you can scream and slam your pillow. Find other nondestructive physical actions that will help you get the energy out. Anger is the emotion that tells us we have a need that is not being met. It gives us the energy to move and get the need fulfilled. Channel this energy in a careful and productive way. Your needs as a child were for safety, shelter, sustenance, and love. Many of these were violated for you. You have been taking some great steps for yourself to get those met in a healthy way. Keep up the good work! Please keep posting, ask more questions, and let us know how you are doing. We care a lot!

Laan

Hiya!

You know - it is so healing to come and express myself here! I think I have found you guys and SR just in the nick of time! It's weird how good it can be for me to re-read my own posts - some I wonder who typed all those angry words. Other times I will realize it is I that was wrong just by reading when I'm a little more relaxed or open-minded.

At times I am calm and at peace - today was better, though I know I'm bound to get a little upset soon. See - bf & I have this long-going-fight thing going on. I'm upset with him because he sometimes even forgets my B-day (it's coming up this Saturday) and I was joking with him in the week that he better not forget again. Well, I suppose it was the wrong moment! It started as a joke and ended up in us not speaking the entire night...sigh.

Well, I must say - screaming a little and pounding on a pillow or something does sound good for those days that I can't take it anymore. Also, I'm much more relaxed today as I slept last night - the neighbors were not home. I loved it!

Karen - I love writing in a journal - just haven't in a long time. You've put me in the mood for it again - I shall try your advice by writing a letter. Like I said - later on I can read it and hopefully get some clarity from it - thank you!

:ghug2

Kindeyes

Laan
Givelove had so many wonderful suggestions to deal with anger. I agree that getting involved with something that allows you to legally and physically get that anger out of you would be great! Perhaps a kick boxing aerobics class?

I use meditation. I put on soft calming music (the kind they play in a health spa) and sit and try to clear my mind and find that peaceful place that resides inside of me.

I'm also VERY competitive. So I use "anger" as a game. If I get angry, then "they" (whoever "they" is at that moment) win. That works for me.

hugs

Laan

Got a call from my dad this morning - he was sobbing - what do you call that again? I can't remember the English version. He was so drunk!

He called just to ask if what my mother said was true - she told him that I said I wanted nothing to do with him. He wanted to call me to tell me that he thinks that was f***ed up and so was I. Then he cried some more, asking if it were true.

First I just wanted to blow him off by saying I'm at work and just not bring it up again. Then I thought no, you asked for it. Now you're gonna get it! I told him straight that I don't want anything to do with the alcohol = when he drinks, I don't want anything to do with him if he drinks. Straightforward, just like that.

Then we hung up - what was that all about? He told me that was fine and that was it....that man is driving me crazy! I wonder if I will ever be rid of this "awful made-for-TV-movie drama" life as GiveLove said before....

I am calmer since I've slept a bit, though there are still things I need to deal with. Just wanted to tell you guys the latest he has done - unbelievable...

SailorKaren

(((( Laan ))))

How are you doing dear? Thinking of you.

Laan

Hiya,

Quite depressed today - the cold weather here ain't helping!

Saturday was my birthday - I didn't actually enjoy it. My mother asked me to go see them, even though I didn't want to, I went. Bad idea! My dad was so wasted!! We were standing outside to let the freshly mopped floor dry & he joined us. He looked so terrible - reddish spots all over his face and dirty. He sat down right there in the dirt. I was ashamed just to be standing there.

10 Years ago I never thought I'd see my dad in such a state - it was from the movies only & I can still remember when I saw such a movie: "Wow, I'm glad I don't have parents like that" I think the devil was laughing at me there...so I'm still a little depressed.

I'm wishing this weekend would come and go soon - we'll be helping my mother (and maybe my brother) move out. I have this bad feeling that something is going to happen. I still feel awful that I can't take my brother with me, but maybe he could go with my mother if not to his friends house. I'm worried my father is going to end up asking me for a place to stay. Bf would so not allow it (not that I want to, but what am I to say?)

I am hoping that all goes according to plan and that the weekend is over soon - no hassles. I still feel sorry for my dad and guilty that we are not willing to help (in some ways) or unable to, but this is killing me, hey.

This week is probably going to get worse, so I'm just praying....

Thanks for the concern Karen, lets hope for the best!

GiveLove

Well, as they say here, "No" is a complete sentence. That's what you are to say. The fact that boyfriend doesn't like it is valid too (you want to get along! ) but your feelings are just as valid. Living with you is not good for you, and in the long run not good for your father either, so start practicing that "No" in a calm way that honors you.

I think your weekend will be a challenge -- it's a difficult thing you're doing -- but be careful of your thoughts, Laan. I've often seen you say things like, "...but I'm sure I'm going to feel bad again soon..." and you know that things we visualize have a tendency to come true, right? I'm not saying that you should picture this perfect future all the time, though there's no harm in that; just that whenever we "awfulize" things like that, they tend to happen just as we'd planned.

Look at your weekend as a difficult thing you have to do, and look forward to it being over, but don't obsess over it. Brace yourself, get good sleep, eat right, stay calm, get centered.....just like you were preparing for a hard sporting event or something. And plan a reward for yourself at the end when you get through it.

Then you can plan that kickboxing class

Hugs,
GL


p.s. Happy birthday! Better ones are coming in the years ahead.

SailorKaren

Happy Birthday Laan! 3 You are doing such good work for yourself, take pride in all you've accomplished these last few weeks. All the lives you will ever touch with your goodness, strength and spirit are waiting for you. Your future is rich with possibilities and love; don't miss a minute of it.

The best way to help your Dad right now is to get yourself stronger and more centered. And to do that you need to keep some distance from him, right? Isn't that what's helping right now? You are not his beloved, alcohol is. His choice to stay addicted has worn all of you out. It sounds like he hasn't hit bottom yet. You didn't cause this, you can't control what he does, and you can't cure him. If he messes his life up even more and comes to you for a place to stay, you might say to him "I'm sorry. I care a lot about you, but I don't have a place for you right now. Here are some places you can go to get some help." Your brother has a HP too, and he will be cared for. Maybe you'll be a part of that. For now, maintain a healthy focus on yourself, your BF, and others who will be coming forward with assistance. Every act of self love will be reflected in your outer world, so take comfort in your recovery. You deserve every bit of it.

Laan

Thank you both so much - I am already calmer since reading some sense into my crazy brain.

It's so weird - I am actually a sane person, but I can act quite crazy sometimes.

Thanks for the concern and wise words! :ghug2