Prayers needed
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thankyou everyone for your kindness, I have managed to control my emotions and remain calm in front of family, in some way I am sure your prayers are reaching me and helping me right now, so my thanks again.
We have been told that there is a, forgive my spelling, a heamatoma?! basically a blod clot that is sitting under the skull and causing pressure. So she will be having surgery this evening to try to remove the old congealed blood and relieve this. It is a risk, any surgery is, but with the added dimension that she is 74yrs old, and this event could cause yet another stroke, but without, it is basically over for her.
My aunts, uncles and parents are making the decisions here, and so my thoughts are just thoughts around this. I don't know if this is the right thing for my nan. She is suffering so much already and her quality of life has been so altered. If she does come through the operation, there is no gaurentee that she will improve, she is now childlike and completely dependant for health and hygiene on others.
If she does come through, she may well be worse off still, another stroke could mean that she will no longer be able to talk or walk, I don't want to see her become a 'vegetable' as people call it. I don't want to be harsh, I haven't mentioned this to anyone, I love my nan so much, of course I would love her to improve, but I cannot help thinking that a lot of motive behind this is fear of letting her go, fear of losing my nan, and desperately trying to hold onto her.
Again, I could be worrying over nothing and she may come out of this operation a little better, maybe regain some memory of us, or be able to care for her own hygiene again. I don't know. So many senarios are going around my head and I am still trying to stay calm for my Dad (it is his mum) and also for my daughter as I know she is upset by all of this. Also my sister and mum have been really shaky and I have gone into my old habit of not feeling and taking care of everyone else, making drinks and asking if people are alright, listening to them talk. I don't want to break down amoung them. I have had little moments of sitting in the bathroom and crying, but I know I push it back inside, I can't let it out in front of them. This whole thing is really showing me how I find it so hard to deal with my emotions.
Sorry for rambling on, thank you for reading, it feels better getting this off my chest.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
We have been told that there is a, forgive my spelling, a heamatoma?! basically a blod clot that is sitting under the skull and causing pressure. So she will be having surgery this evening to try to remove the old congealed blood and relieve this. It is a risk, any surgery is, but with the added dimension that she is 74yrs old, and this event could cause yet another stroke, but without, it is basically over for her.
My aunts, uncles and parents are making the decisions here, and so my thoughts are just thoughts around this. I don't know if this is the right thing for my nan. She is suffering so much already and her quality of life has been so altered. If she does come through the operation, there is no gaurentee that she will improve, she is now childlike and completely dependant for health and hygiene on others.
If she does come through, she may well be worse off still, another stroke could mean that she will no longer be able to talk or walk, I don't want to see her become a 'vegetable' as people call it. I don't want to be harsh, I haven't mentioned this to anyone, I love my nan so much, of course I would love her to improve, but I cannot help thinking that a lot of motive behind this is fear of letting her go, fear of losing my nan, and desperately trying to hold onto her.
Again, I could be worrying over nothing and she may come out of this operation a little better, maybe regain some memory of us, or be able to care for her own hygiene again. I don't know. So many senarios are going around my head and I am still trying to stay calm for my Dad (it is his mum) and also for my daughter as I know she is upset by all of this. Also my sister and mum have been really shaky and I have gone into my old habit of not feeling and taking care of everyone else, making drinks and asking if people are alright, listening to them talk. I don't want to break down amoung them. I have had little moments of sitting in the bathroom and crying, but I know I push it back inside, I can't let it out in front of them. This whole thing is really showing me how I find it so hard to deal with my emotions.
Sorry for rambling on, thank you for reading, it feels better getting this off my chest.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
Lilyflower,
Two years ago in April we recieved a call that my grandpa had had another stroke. At this point he was in an "assisted-living facility" and suffered to a certain degree alzheimer's and dementia as well as incontenince (sp?). After that last stroke we discovered he couldn't swallow (so no food/liquids) and it was up to my mom, aunts and uncle as to what to do. The choices were to restrain him and put a feeding tube in, or gradually increase the morphine and left nature takes its course.
My first thought was "Do everything possible to save him" Even though I was a (fairly) logical 24 year old I was sure that if he could just hold on, they could possibly try something and it would work and he would be ok. Not to mention, I really wanted him to be at my wedding which was 6 weeks later. I wanted him to be 'alive' no matter what it took cause I wasn't ready to let go.
However my mom and her siblings decided that grandpa was so independant that he wouldn't want to live like that (so true) and decided to just up the morphine so he wasn't in pain. I was so mad at them. Couldn't they see that I wanted him to stay around? But I didn't say anythin. During the two weeks between the stroke and his passing, I came to terms with the fact that they were all right in making that decision (it helped that I went to talk with the counselor they have to help families in making these decisions) The day he passed away I whispered in his ear "Grandpa, now you get to dance with grandma at my wedding" After that I asked my parents what they wanted and told my husband thier wishes cause I knew I would never be strong enough to make that decision. Has your grandma maybe talked with your family about what she would have wanted?
During those two weeks and during the funeral I was like you are now - helping everyone else, comforting everyone else, doing for others instead of me. Last summer we buried my grandma & grandpa's ashes out at camp and planted a tree. Again I was comforting my cousin while he cried and holding myself strong. To this day I am yet to mourn properly for my grandparents. Find someone you can go to and say "I need to cry. I need to cry and to question and to vent, can you please just listen?" And get it out! I know I've been there! Please make sure you take care of yourself first and taking care of others will follow.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
Two years ago in April we recieved a call that my grandpa had had another stroke. At this point he was in an "assisted-living facility" and suffered to a certain degree alzheimer's and dementia as well as incontenince (sp?). After that last stroke we discovered he couldn't swallow (so no food/liquids) and it was up to my mom, aunts and uncle as to what to do. The choices were to restrain him and put a feeding tube in, or gradually increase the morphine and left nature takes its course.
My first thought was "Do everything possible to save him" Even though I was a (fairly) logical 24 year old I was sure that if he could just hold on, they could possibly try something and it would work and he would be ok. Not to mention, I really wanted him to be at my wedding which was 6 weeks later. I wanted him to be 'alive' no matter what it took cause I wasn't ready to let go.
However my mom and her siblings decided that grandpa was so independant that he wouldn't want to live like that (so true) and decided to just up the morphine so he wasn't in pain. I was so mad at them. Couldn't they see that I wanted him to stay around? But I didn't say anythin. During the two weeks between the stroke and his passing, I came to terms with the fact that they were all right in making that decision (it helped that I went to talk with the counselor they have to help families in making these decisions) The day he passed away I whispered in his ear "Grandpa, now you get to dance with grandma at my wedding" After that I asked my parents what they wanted and told my husband thier wishes cause I knew I would never be strong enough to make that decision. Has your grandma maybe talked with your family about what she would have wanted?
During those two weeks and during the funeral I was like you are now - helping everyone else, comforting everyone else, doing for others instead of me. Last summer we buried my grandma & grandpa's ashes out at camp and planted a tree. Again I was comforting my cousin while he cried and holding myself strong. To this day I am yet to mourn properly for my grandparents. Find someone you can go to and say "I need to cry. I need to cry and to question and to vent, can you please just listen?" And get it out! I know I've been there! Please make sure you take care of yourself first and taking care of others will follow.
((((((((HUGS))))))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lily)))
I can totally understand your thinking. After being a nurse for 12 years, I realized that there IS a fate worse than death..to me, anyway. I wouldn't want to be kept alive if I didn't have a quality of life or was a burden on someone else.
My grandmother had surgery for colon cancer at the age of 92. She was doing really well otherwise, had no other health problems and lived to be 101-1/2.
I also understand reverting to our codie ways of taking care of everyone else. For me, that is how I cope with a death or illness...but I always take time afterwards to deal with my own feelings.
Sending you hugs and prayers that whatever the decision is, Nana is taken care of and is comfortable.
Amy
I can totally understand your thinking. After being a nurse for 12 years, I realized that there IS a fate worse than death..to me, anyway. I wouldn't want to be kept alive if I didn't have a quality of life or was a burden on someone else.
My grandmother had surgery for colon cancer at the age of 92. She was doing really well otherwise, had no other health problems and lived to be 101-1/2.
I also understand reverting to our codie ways of taking care of everyone else. For me, that is how I cope with a death or illness...but I always take time afterwards to deal with my own feelings.
Sending you hugs and prayers that whatever the decision is, Nana is taken care of and is comfortable.
Amy
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Thankyou Tryingtofly, your post made me cry, but that is a good thing! I know I need to let it out. There was an arguement tonight between my mum, dad and sister. It was silly really all 'much ado about nothing', but I can tell emotions are running high right now. It is so sad.
I want very much to talk to my exabf. We keep in touch and he knows she has not been well. However we haven't spoken for a while and I don't think it is healthy for me to lean on him for emotional support on this, he is my ex after all! I know I shouldn't invite him back into my life in this way, I've been trying to keep civil and friendly but at a distance. That would just cross all boundaries with him.
I could talk to my friend about this and just let it out to her. I think I will call her actually. I am really resisting talking to family memebers because as I say they are all so raw right now. Plus, it is difficult to talk to them about my emotions at the best of times, my parents have undealt with codependancy/ACOA issues that have in the past caused great difficulty in having just a ''listen to me vent and try not to judge'' conversation.
I guess it is also too late to say that I am not sure about the benefits/downfalls of this operation, it is going ahead, fullstop. Only time will tell if my fears come to light or not. I will pray not.
Thank you for your advise and kindness, I will definately talk through my feelings with my friend, plus typing everything here is so helpful to me.
Thanks again,
Liliy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I want very much to talk to my exabf. We keep in touch and he knows she has not been well. However we haven't spoken for a while and I don't think it is healthy for me to lean on him for emotional support on this, he is my ex after all! I know I shouldn't invite him back into my life in this way, I've been trying to keep civil and friendly but at a distance. That would just cross all boundaries with him.
I could talk to my friend about this and just let it out to her. I think I will call her actually. I am really resisting talking to family memebers because as I say they are all so raw right now. Plus, it is difficult to talk to them about my emotions at the best of times, my parents have undealt with codependancy/ACOA issues that have in the past caused great difficulty in having just a ''listen to me vent and try not to judge'' conversation.
I guess it is also too late to say that I am not sure about the benefits/downfalls of this operation, it is going ahead, fullstop. Only time will tell if my fears come to light or not. I will pray not.
Thank you for your advise and kindness, I will definately talk through my feelings with my friend, plus typing everything here is so helpful to me.
Thanks again,
Liliy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Well my nan has made it through her operation with no complications. The hospital had to delay till today as she still has an infection so the whole thing had to be controlled carefully.
She is still groggy, and it is too soon to tell if this has helped her 'come back' or not. I am happy that the immediate danger is now gone! Time is now the only way that we will see if things improve for her.
In terms of my recovery this whole thing has really made it clear to me that I still have so much work to do! I am blessed to still have my nan and to be a part of this site with all you caring people out there across the world! Thank you everyone for your support and prayers!
Love and blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She is still groggy, and it is too soon to tell if this has helped her 'come back' or not. I am happy that the immediate danger is now gone! Time is now the only way that we will see if things improve for her.
In terms of my recovery this whole thing has really made it clear to me that I still have so much work to do! I am blessed to still have my nan and to be a part of this site with all you caring people out there across the world! Thank you everyone for your support and prayers!
Love and blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Keep strong until you have a chance to cry...then do it! 
Recovering Codependant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi everyone,
My nan passed away this Saturday afternoon. She had been getting better after her operation, but suffered another major bleed and stroke last Monday and it was decided that the most caring thing was to let her go.
She was surrounded by her family and passed peacefully, she had been in a coma since Monday and did not wake up. She was a devoted Catholic throughout her life. The Priest came to give her prayers and final blessings, and she was surrounded by holy pictures and prayer cards from friends, we gave her the rosary to hold toward the end. It was as I say very peaceful.
I would like to offer her a prayer to speed her crossing,
Eternal Rest, give onto her Oh Lord,
And may perpetual light shine upon her,
May she rest in peace
Amen
My nan passed away this Saturday afternoon. She had been getting better after her operation, but suffered another major bleed and stroke last Monday and it was decided that the most caring thing was to let her go.
She was surrounded by her family and passed peacefully, she had been in a coma since Monday and did not wake up. She was a devoted Catholic throughout her life. The Priest came to give her prayers and final blessings, and she was surrounded by holy pictures and prayer cards from friends, we gave her the rosary to hold toward the end. It was as I say very peaceful.
I would like to offer her a prayer to speed her crossing,
Eternal Rest, give onto her Oh Lord,
And may perpetual light shine upon her,
May she rest in peace
Amen
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