Long introduction...but there's no other way
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Maybe I'm missing the reason for your post. I read it...said yes he has a problem. He may not be drinking right this moment, but it sounds to me like the issues still exist. "Dry Drunk" comes to mind. It sounds like you are codependent to me. From your first post, you said he's like "living with a roll of sandpaper". But every post since then has been about how much he's changed and how he isn't so bad.
I apologize in advance for sounding harsh. I'm having a hard time following and thought I'd jump start the conversation again. I'm very serious when I say you and your interactions with AH sound EXACTLY like me and my STBXAH. (Just because I have a STBX, please do not believe that you have to leave...it is a very personal choice and was the right one for ME. No one is encouraging that for you.) He stopped drinking but I felt the constant battle of telling him what to do. He would eventually do it, but everything was a battle. I was the nag/biotch...he was the self loathing husband. He got back into alcohol, and I kicked him out.
Shoot...I've got to run get the kids from school. I'll be back to continue my post.
I apologize in advance for sounding harsh. I'm having a hard time following and thought I'd jump start the conversation again. I'm very serious when I say you and your interactions with AH sound EXACTLY like me and my STBXAH. (Just because I have a STBX, please do not believe that you have to leave...it is a very personal choice and was the right one for ME. No one is encouraging that for you.) He stopped drinking but I felt the constant battle of telling him what to do. He would eventually do it, but everything was a battle. I was the nag/biotch...he was the self loathing husband. He got back into alcohol, and I kicked him out.
Shoot...I've got to run get the kids from school. I'll be back to continue my post.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 9
No, I didn't do a good job of making a point.
While there hasn't been a 'big' event recently, I do find myself wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Also, his collectively sandpaper-y issues sometimes overwhelm me. ETA: I've never said 'he's not so bad.' I do have to give him proper credit for addressing many issues over the years, and successfully so. It doesn't mean he's all sunshine and roses here.
Struggling to reconcile the issue of how to want to stay married to someone who is behaving like a hemorrhoidal porcupine, I reached back to my understanding that he is an adult child of an alcoholic.
Clearly, I'm married to one. The simple answer to the issue ('how to want to stay married to hemorrhoidal porcupine') would be to not be married to him anymore, and clearly he's given me a lot of provocation.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with this situation. And yes, I know I'm codependent, as I've mentioned before. I'm trying to figure out how not to be and ideally, honor my marriage vows and find a way to love him.
Extra tension added because he does not want to acknowledge or address any of the issues that go along with being an ACOA. As I've mentioned before, I do not bring this up to him, but he knows he is one and will not discuss it. I am not optimistic about my chances in all this, given his resistance. I will do whatever I can with myself, because that's all I can do, but I hope I'm allowed to hope that things will work out with us happily married, as insane as that might sound.
While there hasn't been a 'big' event recently, I do find myself wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Also, his collectively sandpaper-y issues sometimes overwhelm me. ETA: I've never said 'he's not so bad.' I do have to give him proper credit for addressing many issues over the years, and successfully so. It doesn't mean he's all sunshine and roses here.
Struggling to reconcile the issue of how to want to stay married to someone who is behaving like a hemorrhoidal porcupine, I reached back to my understanding that he is an adult child of an alcoholic.
Clearly, I'm married to one. The simple answer to the issue ('how to want to stay married to hemorrhoidal porcupine') would be to not be married to him anymore, and clearly he's given me a lot of provocation.
I'm trying to figure out the best way to deal with this situation. And yes, I know I'm codependent, as I've mentioned before. I'm trying to figure out how not to be and ideally, honor my marriage vows and find a way to love him.
Extra tension added because he does not want to acknowledge or address any of the issues that go along with being an ACOA. As I've mentioned before, I do not bring this up to him, but he knows he is one and will not discuss it. I am not optimistic about my chances in all this, given his resistance. I will do whatever I can with myself, because that's all I can do, but I hope I'm allowed to hope that things will work out with us happily married, as insane as that might sound.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I will do whatever I can with myself, because that's all I can do
Nicely said. Detachment will definitely benefit both of you. Perhaps thinking in terms of steps, much like the steps of al-anon. I would suggest starting with accepting that this is your life right now, but you aren't ready to just walk away. It may never change, but as long as you have decided to stay, then detaching will give you that hope you need that it can still be better than it is right now. Take your focus off him and put it on you. What makes YOU happy? What have you not been letting yourself do because you are so focused on running his life? Let go. Let him do it on his own, even if he screws up. Step away and find something more enjoyable to do with yourself. Go back to Melody Beattie and stop driving yourself crazy that you don't love him right now. It might come back, with plenty of sobriety time and working a program someday for both of you. So why not just start yourself instead of trying to get him to start. You might be amazed at how infectious your serenity will be, it might peak his curiosity to read into ACOA. (It really doesn't matter, though, whether HE ever gets it or not, in truth. Only that you do). You can't cure him or save him from his misery. Only he can, when he wants it bad enough, whether it is treatment for alcoholism or for ACOA.
I think it would be so beneficial for you today to start taking your focus off him and all his possible diagnoses and just put it where you know you can make real changes, on you
Nicely said. Detachment will definitely benefit both of you. Perhaps thinking in terms of steps, much like the steps of al-anon. I would suggest starting with accepting that this is your life right now, but you aren't ready to just walk away. It may never change, but as long as you have decided to stay, then detaching will give you that hope you need that it can still be better than it is right now. Take your focus off him and put it on you. What makes YOU happy? What have you not been letting yourself do because you are so focused on running his life? Let go. Let him do it on his own, even if he screws up. Step away and find something more enjoyable to do with yourself. Go back to Melody Beattie and stop driving yourself crazy that you don't love him right now. It might come back, with plenty of sobriety time and working a program someday for both of you. So why not just start yourself instead of trying to get him to start. You might be amazed at how infectious your serenity will be, it might peak his curiosity to read into ACOA. (It really doesn't matter, though, whether HE ever gets it or not, in truth. Only that you do). You can't cure him or save him from his misery. Only he can, when he wants it bad enough, whether it is treatment for alcoholism or for ACOA.
I think it would be so beneficial for you today to start taking your focus off him and all his possible diagnoses and just put it where you know you can make real changes, on you
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Sorry I wasn't able to get back online last night. I agree with Peace - it sounds like you might need to detach and let him find his way on his own. You can't make him want help for himself. Do things that make you happy. Set your own boundaries and stick with them. Repeatedly requesting something over and over again until he finally gives in and does it is just going to cause you stress and anger. Then if you're like me, you're still mad that he didn't just do it in the first place and you wasted all that energy. KWIM?
I found this quote and I think it applies:
BTDT! Keep reading but do it for YOU. Stop trying to solve the problems your husband has. Make sense?
I found this quote and I think it applies:
More about Codependency:
The following excerpt from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
The following excerpt from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((quickkick)))
Best thread I've read for days! I am in the process of divorcing my AH- who I've been with for 18 years. I am extremely sad about it. But I have to say I read this thread and saw myself in you- down to dealing with my AH driving our dd while drunk. What did I do? I would not let him drive her anywhere- for a while. I also threatened him with leaving- and told him he had to stop drinking. Did any of that work? No. He continued to drink- hid it from me. He resented me for telling him what to do. We also went to counseling- and for a long time he seemed willing- but he wouldn't do the work- just went. He also dropped all 5 counselors. 5!!! My point in telling you these things is that nothing- absolutely nothing I said or did made any difference to this man. He was difficult to live with- to say the least. But I know I was as well. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, angry. . . Unfortunately I was trying desperately to change him. I did not see how I could have been part of the problem- I stayed in a relationship that was not healthy for far too long. My needs were not being met, and slowly, but surely I was losing my grip on something I had no control of in the first place. I can only control myself. I know I never, ever, want to go back to living in that kind of unhappy confusion.
If you can see how much easier it is to control yourself you can start to find the peace you are looking for. Take care!
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
i4getsm- BRILLIANT!
Best thread I've read for days! I am in the process of divorcing my AH- who I've been with for 18 years. I am extremely sad about it. But I have to say I read this thread and saw myself in you- down to dealing with my AH driving our dd while drunk. What did I do? I would not let him drive her anywhere- for a while. I also threatened him with leaving- and told him he had to stop drinking. Did any of that work? No. He continued to drink- hid it from me. He resented me for telling him what to do. We also went to counseling- and for a long time he seemed willing- but he wouldn't do the work- just went. He also dropped all 5 counselors. 5!!! My point in telling you these things is that nothing- absolutely nothing I said or did made any difference to this man. He was difficult to live with- to say the least. But I know I was as well. I was frustrated, sad, lonely, angry. . . Unfortunately I was trying desperately to change him. I did not see how I could have been part of the problem- I stayed in a relationship that was not healthy for far too long. My needs were not being met, and slowly, but surely I was losing my grip on something I had no control of in the first place. I can only control myself. I know I never, ever, want to go back to living in that kind of unhappy confusion.
If you can see how much easier it is to control yourself you can start to find the peace you are looking for. Take care!
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
i4getsm- BRILLIANT!
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