Huh??? Things like this make my head spin.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Huh??? Things like this make my head spin.
So, things had been pretty quiet between me and my AH since late last week. My oldest daughter graduated high school, my mom and brother came for that, had a busy weekend.
AH didnt show up for the graduation or little party afterward. Said he couldn't get off work, which I believe because right now is his busy season and he's working 14-16 days.
Anyhow.
Sunday he was supposed to take our daughter to swim at the pool for the afternoon. I was to drop her off at his apt after church since its about 5 mins away. Instead when I walk out of church he is there waiting by my car. I walk up and he says "hey there beautiful lady, how are you?" and acting all nice. I was pretty detached acting, didnt have much to say. After a few mins he got out of the vehicle, came over to me and took my hand as we stood there talking to the kids. I kind of pulled away.
He then left on his way with my daughter.
Sunday night he calls me and tells me that he's been thinking about me all day. That he wanted to tell me that he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, that he's never been more attracted to anyone in his life even after being together with me for 14 years, that he loves me soooo much, down deep in his soul, that he wishes I really knew just how much he loves me, wishes that I could feel it.
I didn't have much of anything to say! Couldn't think of anything to say. So, we ended up hanging up, I told him I had a job interview in the a.m. and was needing to get to bed for a good nights sleep.
So, at 11:27pm the phone rings as I'm trying to sleep. Its him. Saying how much he misses me, how when he sees me all he wants to do is hold me, how he has thought about me all day, and then he asks if he can just come over and sleep next to me, that he misses being all curled up around me sleeping at night.
I didn't know what to say -though it was sooooooooo tempting - he knows my favorite place in the world, the place I've felt the safest and most comforted was sleeping at with him wrapped up all around me. I finally said, "I don't really think that would be a good idea." (Thankfully it was my head that was doing the talking somehow, but my heart was really saying..."yes! How fast can you be here?")
He says "yeah, you're right, it's probably not a good idea." Then he sort of quickly says "I'll let you get some sleep, I know you have an interview in the morning, goodnight."
Okay. My daughter ended up spending the night there with him and her brother, I was to pick her up the following afternoon at his apt.
So, the next day I do that.
I pick up his phone to call him to tell him I'm there to take her home and my finger hits the caller id button. I look down and see HER number on his caller id. (if you're following my drama, you'll know who HER is).
Hmmm......so of course, my heart starts beating faster, I start shaking, and so I scroll back through his caller id, most of the calls are from HER.
I get all obsessive and write down the days and times she called to take with me.
Turns out she must have beeped in right as we were talking last night, after he asked if he could come sleep with me, because she called at 11:33pm.
Of course, when asked about the phone calls from her and why some were late night calls his response was "I can't control when people call me." When I press for an answer of why the late night calls, there isn't really an answer.
I end up hanging up on him. He calls back, I hang up again.
So, I drive home. Check my phone and yep, he called me at 11:27pm, while she called him at 11:33pm.
So, because I'm all crazy-codependent and stuff, I call him and yell at him about it again. He claims he didnt talk to her when she called. Whatever.
Like I believe anything that he says anyhow. There must be a part of me that still wants to believe though.
So, later that night I email him. Asking why doesnt he just stop lying to me and tell me the truth? He still says he does not have any relationship with her, that the ringer on his phone was off, that he didnt take the call, that it was his son whose mother is HER that called him on HER phone cause he didn't have his phone with him cause he shares it with his brother.....blah blah blah........and then there is this:
There is no relationship with her.You want to know the truth ? there is part 1,part 2: I don't want to be your husband anymore,I don't believe it can be salvaged
So, finally, the truth. And I'm glad to hear it, maybe it will help me move on, though it hurts like h*ll & feels like another boot kick in the gut. And I'm so stupid, I keep rereading it all day long.
But HOW can he write me that in the email not even 24 hours after the whole mushy, lovey, dovey phone call and the phone call wanting to come sleep with me and all that?
Is it just me or is it all just totally bizarre?
And WHY do I keep trying to make sense out of things that just aren't ever going to make sense?
AH didnt show up for the graduation or little party afterward. Said he couldn't get off work, which I believe because right now is his busy season and he's working 14-16 days.
Anyhow.
Sunday he was supposed to take our daughter to swim at the pool for the afternoon. I was to drop her off at his apt after church since its about 5 mins away. Instead when I walk out of church he is there waiting by my car. I walk up and he says "hey there beautiful lady, how are you?" and acting all nice. I was pretty detached acting, didnt have much to say. After a few mins he got out of the vehicle, came over to me and took my hand as we stood there talking to the kids. I kind of pulled away.
He then left on his way with my daughter.
Sunday night he calls me and tells me that he's been thinking about me all day. That he wanted to tell me that he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, that he's never been more attracted to anyone in his life even after being together with me for 14 years, that he loves me soooo much, down deep in his soul, that he wishes I really knew just how much he loves me, wishes that I could feel it.
I didn't have much of anything to say! Couldn't think of anything to say. So, we ended up hanging up, I told him I had a job interview in the a.m. and was needing to get to bed for a good nights sleep.
So, at 11:27pm the phone rings as I'm trying to sleep. Its him. Saying how much he misses me, how when he sees me all he wants to do is hold me, how he has thought about me all day, and then he asks if he can just come over and sleep next to me, that he misses being all curled up around me sleeping at night.
I didn't know what to say -though it was sooooooooo tempting - he knows my favorite place in the world, the place I've felt the safest and most comforted was sleeping at with him wrapped up all around me. I finally said, "I don't really think that would be a good idea." (Thankfully it was my head that was doing the talking somehow, but my heart was really saying..."yes! How fast can you be here?")
He says "yeah, you're right, it's probably not a good idea." Then he sort of quickly says "I'll let you get some sleep, I know you have an interview in the morning, goodnight."
Okay. My daughter ended up spending the night there with him and her brother, I was to pick her up the following afternoon at his apt.
So, the next day I do that.
I pick up his phone to call him to tell him I'm there to take her home and my finger hits the caller id button. I look down and see HER number on his caller id. (if you're following my drama, you'll know who HER is).
Hmmm......so of course, my heart starts beating faster, I start shaking, and so I scroll back through his caller id, most of the calls are from HER.
I get all obsessive and write down the days and times she called to take with me.
Turns out she must have beeped in right as we were talking last night, after he asked if he could come sleep with me, because she called at 11:33pm.
Of course, when asked about the phone calls from her and why some were late night calls his response was "I can't control when people call me." When I press for an answer of why the late night calls, there isn't really an answer.
I end up hanging up on him. He calls back, I hang up again.
So, I drive home. Check my phone and yep, he called me at 11:27pm, while she called him at 11:33pm.
So, because I'm all crazy-codependent and stuff, I call him and yell at him about it again. He claims he didnt talk to her when she called. Whatever.
Like I believe anything that he says anyhow. There must be a part of me that still wants to believe though.
So, later that night I email him. Asking why doesnt he just stop lying to me and tell me the truth? He still says he does not have any relationship with her, that the ringer on his phone was off, that he didnt take the call, that it was his son whose mother is HER that called him on HER phone cause he didn't have his phone with him cause he shares it with his brother.....blah blah blah........and then there is this:
There is no relationship with her.You want to know the truth ? there is part 1,part 2: I don't want to be your husband anymore,I don't believe it can be salvaged
So, finally, the truth. And I'm glad to hear it, maybe it will help me move on, though it hurts like h*ll & feels like another boot kick in the gut. And I'm so stupid, I keep rereading it all day long.
But HOW can he write me that in the email not even 24 hours after the whole mushy, lovey, dovey phone call and the phone call wanting to come sleep with me and all that?
Is it just me or is it all just totally bizarre?
And WHY do I keep trying to make sense out of things that just aren't ever going to make sense?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I don't know, honey. But when you are sick and tired of being hurt by his pull-you-this-way, then pull-you-that-way actions, I think you'll stop the self-torture. You have that power. It's up to you when you decide that you want to live life on your terms, by doing what is right for you, by not living your life dependent on another person making you happy but finding the things that make you happy in yourself. It's a jumbled mess, that is for sure. Addiction plus infidelity. I'm sorry you are in pain and just wanted to send you big hugs to know someone is listening. Try to do something tonight to get your mind off of him, just to give yourself a rest. Try to find an activity that is self-indulgent and spoiling for you. Tomorrow is a new day and you will be thinking more clearly after a good night's sleep. Oh, and maybe turn your ringer off tonight so you don't get any after 11:00 calls to interrupt your serenity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I remember too well the phone calls like that.
There was the squishy lovey-dovey one right before he slept with a drunken woman at a Christian teen camp.
There was the "I can't live without you" right before going to meet a girl we both knew, who later gave me all the sordid details of the sex they had (he hadn't bothered to tell her we were a couple).
There was the "I just want to hold you and take care of you" the same week he was propositioning a high-schooler on the Internet.
Are you getting the idea, strongerwoman?
THIS IS NOT GOING TO MAKE SENSE. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of an alcoholic's behavior. I know I did.
It wasn't until I got self-protective enough to think, "Do what you want, jerk", took steps to get on with my life, stopped taking his late-night calls, stopped "accidentally" checking caller ID, stopped trying to figure out if he really loved me or not, only THEN did I start on the road away from this horrible pain and toward a life I actually wanted to be living.
Although the choice is 100% yours, I can't help but pray that you will find your way to this decision soon. You deserve better than this. You deserve to feel great about yourself, enjoy your days of life, not live in fear and anger and doubt.
Hoping that you find your way to peace soon. Life is so short, and this sort of thing truly is not worthy of your love and energy.
There was the squishy lovey-dovey one right before he slept with a drunken woman at a Christian teen camp.
There was the "I can't live without you" right before going to meet a girl we both knew, who later gave me all the sordid details of the sex they had (he hadn't bothered to tell her we were a couple).
There was the "I just want to hold you and take care of you" the same week he was propositioning a high-schooler on the Internet.
Are you getting the idea, strongerwoman?
THIS IS NOT GOING TO MAKE SENSE. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of an alcoholic's behavior. I know I did.
It wasn't until I got self-protective enough to think, "Do what you want, jerk", took steps to get on with my life, stopped taking his late-night calls, stopped "accidentally" checking caller ID, stopped trying to figure out if he really loved me or not, only THEN did I start on the road away from this horrible pain and toward a life I actually wanted to be living.
Although the choice is 100% yours, I can't help but pray that you will find your way to this decision soon. You deserve better than this. You deserve to feel great about yourself, enjoy your days of life, not live in fear and anger and doubt.
Hoping that you find your way to peace soon. Life is so short, and this sort of thing truly is not worthy of your love and energy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I too hope you will let go and stop engaging and enjoying the drama. And yes, I do mean enjoying because you must be enjoying it to keep engaging in the same drama over and over again with the same result.
You will let go when you have had enough. I hope that happens soon.
You will let go when you have had enough. I hope that happens soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Words are the easiest thing in the world to come up with. He can come up with words forever and ever. And as long as you are willing to listen to them, he will keep coming up with them. Actions are much tougher. You can't fake actions--at least not for very long. When I stopped listening to the words and started watching the actions, I got my sanity back.
L
*edit to add: I don't mean actions such as sleeping with you. I mean actions like getting sober, going to AA, stopping contact with HER, supporting his family, taking responsibility for his past actions, etc.
L
*edit to add: I don't mean actions such as sleeping with you. I mean actions like getting sober, going to AA, stopping contact with HER, supporting his family, taking responsibility for his past actions, etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by strongerwoman 
I pick up his phone to call him to tell him I'm there to take her home and my finger hits the caller id button. I look down and see HER number on his caller id. (if you're following my drama, you'll know who HER is).
Hmmm......so of course, my heart starts beating faster, I start shaking, and so I scroll back through his caller id, most of the calls are from HER.
I get all obsessive and write down the days and times she called to take with me.
Turns out she must have beeped in right as we were talking last night, after he asked if he could come sleep with me, because she called at 11:33pm.
Of course, when asked about the phone calls from her and why some were late night calls his response was "I can't control when people call me." When I press for an answer of why the late night calls, there isn't really an answer.
I end up hanging up on him. He calls back, I hang up again.
So, I drive home. Check my phone and yep, he called me at 11:27pm, while she called him at 11:33pm.
So, because I'm all crazy-codependent and stuff, I call him and yell at him about it again. He claims he didnt talk to her when she called. Whatever.
Like I believe anything that he says anyhow. There must be a part of me that still wants to believe though.
Hmmm......so of course, my heart starts beating faster, I start shaking, and so I scroll back through his caller id, most of the calls are from HER.
I get all obsessive and write down the days and times she called to take with me.
Turns out she must have beeped in right as we were talking last night, after he asked if he could come sleep with me, because she called at 11:33pm.
Of course, when asked about the phone calls from her and why some were late night calls his response was "I can't control when people call me." When I press for an answer of why the late night calls, there isn't really an answer.
I end up hanging up on him. He calls back, I hang up again.
So, I drive home. Check my phone and yep, he called me at 11:27pm, while she called him at 11:33pm.
So, because I'm all crazy-codependent and stuff, I call him and yell at him about it again. He claims he didnt talk to her when she called. Whatever.
Like I believe anything that he says anyhow. There must be a part of me that still wants to believe though.
Drama Addicts
"Many codependents become what some people call drama or crises addicts. Strangely enough, problems can become addicting. If we live with enough misery, crises, and turmoil long enough, the fear and stimulation caused by problems can become a comfortable emotional experience. In her excellent book, Getting Them Sober, Volume II, Toby Rice Drews refers to this feeling as "excited misery." After a while, we can become so used to involving our emotions with problems and crises that we may get and stay involved with problems that aren't our concern. We may even start making troubles or making troubles greater than they are to create stimulation for ourselves. This is especially true if we have greatly neglected our own lives and feelings. When we're involved with a problem, we know we're alive."
From my own personal experience, I have found this to be true. Keeping records, checking for empty bottles, checking the caller i.d. on the phone, looking at the "recent documents" AH downloaded on our computer, digging through his briefcase. Yeah, I was pretty addicted to finding out about "it." And "it" could be anything. Just as long as I kept my adrenaline pumping, I was engaging my mind in HIS business and OFF of my own.
It's when I finally was emotionally worn down to the nub that I crawled back over on my side of the street and decided it needed a major cleaning. His side? From my side, it still appears to be a mess today but it's no longer my business nor is it my mess. I have plenty of messes of mine that I can own and work on without factoring him into the equation of my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I guess that we all have been where you are, SW. I know I have. Perhaps we have to go through all of the pain and disappointment in order to get to the point of finding a healthier way to live. I can't speak for others but I can say that when I read posts like yours....in some small way......I re-live my own misery and I know that I NEVER want to feel that way again.
I hope that as time passes you will continue to take the little steps that you need to take to pull yourself out of the mire. Even in the little bit of time that you've been on SR, I see your progress. Keep up the good work.
And congrats on the job interview......how did it go!?!
I hope that as time passes you will continue to take the little steps that you need to take to pull yourself out of the mire. Even in the little bit of time that you've been on SR, I see your progress. Keep up the good work.
And congrats on the job interview......how did it go!?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
strongerwoman, I'm sorry for all the stress you are going through.
How utterly cruel and unfair of him to play with your emotions, hot one minute cool the next. That is not fair at all.
I've had sweet calls from the ex, then calls calling me a b**** when I was standing my ground over another matter. I felt someone had hold of both my arms and dragging me each way.
I've had enough of that. No more.
I wish you a peaceful and happier future.
x x x x
How utterly cruel and unfair of him to play with your emotions, hot one minute cool the next. That is not fair at all.
I've had sweet calls from the ex, then calls calling me a b**** when I was standing my ground over another matter. I felt someone had hold of both my arms and dragging me each way.
I've had enough of that. No more.
I wish you a peaceful and happier future.
x x x x
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Same here stronger,
This is something we will probably never figure out but I do know that if we keep listening they will continue to do it.
I also tried to understand how my XABFcould say "you were my life", and "I made a huge mistake and I can't live without you" and "I will always love you more than anyone" and "I don't love her...I dont
even like her anymore" only to be called a crazy liar the next day. Anyone who knows me knows I hate lies so being called a liar by him was pretty crushing at the time! I really thought maybe I did lie..maybe I don't remember...my mind was so far gone.
It will warp your mind if you let it. It's not you. It's addiction. you really have to just shut your ears off to him. Since you have kids together you kind of have to deal with him.
Just don't listen to him no matter what he SAYS...like so many people here say..listen to actions not words.
It still makes me wonder sometimes. My brain still plays tapes of the things he said and I remember that he didn't even recall saying them. He never thought from one minute to the next unless it was figuring out how to get his own way.
So all I can say is its typical of A's to go back and forth and its typical of codies to follow.
I got really sick of following.
I have also realized that If I was that important to him he would have been here with me..not with her, not with a bottle, not with a crack pipe. It doesn't just happen overnight. It takes some time to get through this and for things to sink into our codie brains. You started out strong but he pulled you in. He knows how to do it and he will do it again. There is NEVER going to be a time while he is in active addiction that you can believe what he says. I really think its impossible.
Stay strong, stand your ground, don't fall for his lies and stories. And don't let his drama into your life. He will probably try to make you come running to him. Some terrible tragedy that he could have avoied or that is totally made up. His sadness, his depression his guilt..all the people who have wronged him..everything is someone elses fault....blah blah blah...
After awhile it just gets boring and annoying. After a while you may find yourself saying "oh this again..." and then you might just not want to hear it at all.
I hope you get there because its so much easier that way than it is to try to figure it all out. Like a hamster on a wheel, running and running and ending up in the same place. That's how I felt with XABF.
If I decided to talk to him right now it would be the same..like a soap opera. He would probably be crying while dropping ice cubes in his gin glass.
This is something we will probably never figure out but I do know that if we keep listening they will continue to do it.
I also tried to understand how my XABFcould say "you were my life", and "I made a huge mistake and I can't live without you" and "I will always love you more than anyone" and "I don't love her...I dont
even like her anymore" only to be called a crazy liar the next day. Anyone who knows me knows I hate lies so being called a liar by him was pretty crushing at the time! I really thought maybe I did lie..maybe I don't remember...my mind was so far gone.
It will warp your mind if you let it. It's not you. It's addiction. you really have to just shut your ears off to him. Since you have kids together you kind of have to deal with him.
Just don't listen to him no matter what he SAYS...like so many people here say..listen to actions not words.
It still makes me wonder sometimes. My brain still plays tapes of the things he said and I remember that he didn't even recall saying them. He never thought from one minute to the next unless it was figuring out how to get his own way.
So all I can say is its typical of A's to go back and forth and its typical of codies to follow.
I got really sick of following.
I have also realized that If I was that important to him he would have been here with me..not with her, not with a bottle, not with a crack pipe. It doesn't just happen overnight. It takes some time to get through this and for things to sink into our codie brains. You started out strong but he pulled you in. He knows how to do it and he will do it again. There is NEVER going to be a time while he is in active addiction that you can believe what he says. I really think its impossible.
Stay strong, stand your ground, don't fall for his lies and stories. And don't let his drama into your life. He will probably try to make you come running to him. Some terrible tragedy that he could have avoied or that is totally made up. His sadness, his depression his guilt..all the people who have wronged him..everything is someone elses fault....blah blah blah...
After awhile it just gets boring and annoying. After a while you may find yourself saying "oh this again..." and then you might just not want to hear it at all.
I hope you get there because its so much easier that way than it is to try to figure it all out. Like a hamster on a wheel, running and running and ending up in the same place. That's how I felt with XABF.
If I decided to talk to him right now it would be the same..like a soap opera. He would probably be crying while dropping ice cubes in his gin glass.
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