How do you get through your anger?
 

I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I have not started to attend regularly but weekends are the worst. I am usually ready to pop a nut on Mondays no matter how busy I keep myself or how far away I get me and the kids, from him and the insanity over the weekend. I am so full or anger and resentment. I don’t give a rat’s you know what about what happens to him or what he thinks, does, says….zip. I hate him hate him hate him.
So I go into this meeting, and everyone seemed so serene (sp?). There’s no anger, no hostility, no blame. I felt like the Tasmanian Devil in a china shop. The fact that they were all so calm annoyed me even more. Then I read some literature.. it only made it worse. “Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself” ahhhhhhh, I wanted to run from there screaming. I went in looking for people like me who don’t care if their AH ever gets sober. I went looking for a place to scream out loud about how mad I am…. I vacillate between depressed and angry and yesterday I was angry dag nabit!
Where do you all go with your anger? What do you do with it?

I put mine in exercise, in running a small business, and in making myself stronger and better and smarter.

But I also chose not to stay in a situation where I was constantly immersed in the insanity. Being with someone I had hateful feelings for just made me angrier and angrier, and made me a hateful person. I loved the guy, sure, but he wasn't worth sacrificing myself for.

When I put some serious distance between me and the psychosis of alcoholism, I found I didn't have very much anger left to worry about. There was only a little bit, and I could handle that with the usual stuff (see above) Life was too short, in my humble opinion.

Maybe take up racquetball? You really get to hit things hard in that game, and afterwards you're too tired to be mad.

Good luck with everything......

Hi Lisa...I can relate to your anger. I'm at the very beginning of the realization that I am co-dependent, and my AH is really an alcoholic. The rage sometimes within me is unbearable, but I just keep talking to myself..."I won't let HIS disease poison me anymore"...and with these tiny baby steps, it is working....thanks for posting and being so honest!

I'm glad you came here to vent. Vent away. I understand your anger; however, in getting a handle on my own anger I had to start by asking myself what exactly it was that was making me angry.

I assume your AH is zoned out on booze a good deal of the time. I also assume he doesn't give a fig if you hate him or not as long as he's free to pursue his addiction.

Thus, it would be helpful for you to start looking at what it is that is really making you angry. Anger is an extremely self-destructive emotion if it goes unchecked for long periods of time. I know this from personal experience. I was able to detach the alcohol from the alcoholic. No, I still don't particularly care for my AH, but I no longer hate him. I found my anger and hatred towards him was a huge expenditure of my own energy and was hampering my recovery.

I also discovered the person with whom I was most angry was myself. I am still working on forgiving myself for making some really terrible choices; marrying my AH being one of them.

Have a talk with yourself and start sorting through your anger. Anger that remains simmering just beneath the surface will eventually explode - and that explosion could make Mount Saint Helen's eruption look like a mere hiccup.

Heya Lisa -
You can share your anger at an AlAnon meeting!! Just like here, you won't surprise anyone - they were probably that way once and they will have compassion and offer you strategies for dealing with it and hopefully getting past it. Nobody walks INTO their first few Alanon meetings serene.

You sound like you have really reached a brick wall! And you're mad as hell and don't want to take it anymore! You gotta let it out - but always with the intention of letting it go too-- anger is good fuel for blast off but you need to have a plan for staying in motion...

Easy does it-
Peace,
B.

I take it you still live with your AH?

I couldn't deal with my anger, heck a lot of the time I didn't admit to it, until after I had left my AH. And it wasn't long after I left the anger inducing environment that I was able to experience it, wallow in it and then put it aside. Removal from the madness made most of the anger disappear.

I put most of my anger in a journal. In fact, I affectionately called it my "Book of Anger," and it was filled with vile language and lots of CAPS and !!!!!!!!!!! I still have it, too. Sometimes I look back through it and get amazed at the amount of anger I had.

The other thing I would do was go for a drive, put on some really loud music, and scream out everything that I was angry about. (Janis Joplin is good for this, LOL)

Therapy was helpful, too, but the journal was the biggest help because I could go there whenever the anger came.

L

Keep going back to al-anon if you want what they have.
They will refund your misery is you are not satisfied.
It takes a commitment to keep going and working the program for the gradual gift
of a new way to live, think and feel.

I did this too. With Metallica blasting. :)

I wish I had a dime for every time I ranted at the A alone in my car driving with loud music blasting :headbang:


I still do it occasionally when I get crazy making phone calls from him (we have a son and he uses that as a means to try and continue the abuse).

I have a lot less anger now that I don't deal with the insanity on a daily basis.

I find it a great way to release the little angers that come along, the boss being an idiot, a son being a pain in the behind, whatever. A little yelling in the car with Korn, Metallica, or the Mars movement of the Planet Suite and I've let it out and can move on. Venting helps me.

Good for you for venting. Vent away.

I heard this at a meeting the other day:

Holding resentments/anger toward someone else is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to drop dead.

I can relate to the anger!! I try and put it to good use. Sometimes feels like its the only thing that can keep me going - it helps motivate me. I have a lot of work to do on our house before we can sell it - its amazing how quickly you can go when you're mad!
It also helps me to stop falling for the sweet talk/quacking - when I remember its there! One thing I don't do it express it to my AH. Oh, he'll hear about it if he crosses the line but I don't rage at him - not outwardly since he'll just use it as an excuse to go drinking.
I'd like to get to the serenity stage but I have a long way to go yet!

Journal was good for me too to write down all of my anger! (:lmao "Book of Anger" I like that LaTee)
And I still do it when I have a not so good day-even know
the A is out of my life I still have "not so good days" it helps me to keep my life
going in the right direction.

When I was with my XABF I would go to the gym and work out like crazy, go for a drive and scream,
cry do whatever I needed to do to let it out! Of course my counselor was a good one to get
the brunt of my venting too!

Today...I still go to the gym-Al-Anon, SR, hang with friends, do things i enjoy-alone or
with friends and get involved with my little part time business-these are things that keep
me grounded today!

Today ...when my A brother (who is in seriously bad shape) calls and tells me things like he did the
other night "I cannot stop drinking I do not know how-so I think I will drink myself to death" I can
actually shed a few tears and say what I need to him calmly and continue on ....

And that I owe to my HP, Counseling, Al-Anon and many people here at SR! It takes time but it can happen!

Good Luck to you and keep posting! :hug:

My sponsor also has me keeping a journal. Somedays I feel like I can fill it up within a few minutes, other days I don't write anything.

I also encourage Al-Anon going. MY GOSH you should have heard me go off in our meeting Monday. And an old-timer would just sit there smile, and nod to the extent that I point blank asked for her advice when I was done sharing, and she just giggled and said "keep coming back".

She said I see progress from the time you walked in here until now, so somethings working.

Journals are also great for everyday writings.

Oh Lisa. I feel ya girl! When STBXAH was still living here, there were times when I literally thought the top of my head was going to pop off or worse yet that I would start beating the cr#p out of him. You are not alone. Those ladies at Alanon have probably learned how to detach from their situation or left their AH's and that's why they are serene right now. I bet if you asked them how they were doing in the beginning they would tell you that they felt the same as you do right now.

Get in your car, close the doors, turn up the music really loud, and SCREAM. I have done that on countless occassions. I slap my steering wheel too. Just something to get that energy out. Now that STBXAH is no longer here, I rarely have these "fits". I do still get mad as hell at him initially but 5 seconds (or less) after the initial spurt, and I'm done. I just don't care about his cr#p like I used to. I'm "over it".

If you want a more healthy release, go for a run or go hit the gym. It's just the energy in you that needs to come out. I wish you peace and serenity. It's there for the taking. It will get better if you start focusing on you. I know you think this mumbo-jumbo sounds like BS right now, but I swear it works. You really can move past the anger once you decide that your AH is not worth it and YOU are.

Barb: We might have been twins separated at birth! How did you know? :MusBand: Rock on!! lol

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions. I too have bashed on the steering wheel and screamed my head off in the car many times. I ahve journaled from time to time too. I always worry about it being found though and having to deal with the fall out. I have read co-dependent no more and gleaned what I thought I could use from it. I dont exibit much of the behavior described in it as far as controlling and obsessing over him and his actions. Maybe I used to, maybe I used to even care about him. Seems like its been forever though and I seriously wonder if I ever loved him at all... Anyway, I have spoken to a mortgage lender and was told I would not qualify for a loan regardless of my long work history or excellent credit rating because I have credit card debt and no savings. What? You mean I am just like most other people? So, I have stopped using the cards and payed off more than the usual towards them each month, joined a yoga studio and I come here to read often... I have attended an AA meeting recently in addition to the Alanon meeting and thinking maybe I should try ACA meetings to get back to my roots and see if I can unravel somethings and learn things I never learned about dealing with uncomfortable situations. I think about laying it all out on the table with him just telling him that this relationship is soooooo over for me and his getting sober wont matter. But the fear of his reaction and upsetting the kids too... I get overwhelmed.

Remember just one thing at a time. Get yourself in a good head space so that when you do talk to him you'll be more in control of your emotions. It sounds like you are doing the right things. Keep coming here and venting. Getting feedback about my issues has really helped me. Having an outsider who is going through something similar has been extremely comforting and made me feel "normal" again. I'm finally getting my power back.

Hi twin! :a194: