painthorse60

This is my first post here, but I need some objective insight into my situation PLEASE!

DH is a recovering A with 3 yrs sobriety. He has historically gone to meetings approxiamtely 3 nights/week for all of these years. All of a sudden he's going every single night AND giving a woman that lives nearby a ride each and every time. This woman is married with two young children so I can't figure out why all of a sudden she's become incapable of driving herself.

She's calling my husband every day to set up their nightly rides together and it's driving me nuts. Jealousy? Probably, but when my husband was drinking, he became "involved" with another A and it started almost exactly the same way except they went to bars, not AA meetings. I believed his lies and trusted him till the evidence just became overwhelming. I don't want to be a sucker twice.

I've tried discussing this with my husband and he says I can't tell him who to be friends with ( true) and if I don't trust him, that's my problem ( again, true). However, I have been down this road once and I'm not going to stand for it a second time. I've been on the verge of calling this woman and telling her to find her own rides and if she wants to call a husband, make it her own. I know that's not the right thing to do, but I'm getting desperate. I'm allowing this to become a focus in my life and I know I shouldn't, but the hurt from the last time is still very real and I just can't do it again.

It's not an issue of her or me - he turns it into a choice between me and his AA meetings. It's not that at all - I support him going to meetings, but this every night with her thing is taking a serious toll on our marriage. Any insight that anybody can offer me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

tryingtofly

I wish I could offer you some advice, but I don't know the right thing to do in this situation. Have you tried talking to your husband (calmly) and explaining how because of the past, this situation is making you uncomfortable? Maybe ask him why the sudden need to go to meetings everyday - maybe there's something going on that you don't know about that is making his recovery harder? I don't know - I'm trying to take the rational viewpoint here, but if I was in your shoes....I'd feel exactly the same way

Rella927

Welcome to SR!

Glad that you found us! I agree to discussing this with your husband, not so much as an attack but breathe deeply and explain to him exactly how you feel and tell him that you support him going to meetings etc.....

Have you tried Al-Anon for yourself? it has helped me gain a better perspective on my life and keep the focus on me and not the A's in my life...just a thought!

Sweetiepie1

I'm a bit of a newbie to this so my ideas may well be off track but does he go to any open meetings? If so is there anything to stop you going to the odd one with him; once a month maybe? If he's going to far more meetings now I would assume he is finding things more difficult. You could play the supportive card, at least you'd get a better feel for what was going on without playing overkill and questioning his behaviour quite as much.

Astro

Baloney. Part of being in a commited relationship or marriage is being open and truthful about our friendships and relationships, especially those we have with the opposite sex. For years I played the role of the jealous alcoholic to my codependent ex. She'd go out for lunch with male co-workers, text and call them, be physically close at parties and dinners, etc. When I questioned her about it she'd recoil in horror at how jealous I was, how unfair it was for me to think she'd ever be unfaithful.

While I'm not going to blame my drinking on her behavior, I guess in some ways my intuition and fears were justified. She had an affair with a co-worker, a month after I left our home and went into AA she moved him in and eventually married him.

I'm not a great example of being a perfect husband or boyfriend. I was guilty of having emotional affairs during two marriages. My current GF and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years, during that time I've broken up with her again and again because I was obsessing over another woman from my AA meetings, thinking she was the "right one". I know now that behaving like that is unnaceptable in our relationship. Thank God I've got an understanding GF who works her own program of recovery, and is supportive of me while I progress through my own programs.

Here's my thought about this: As part of my 12 Step program in AA, I attempt to "practice the principles in all my affairs". So am I practicing honesty and integrity if I tell my partner that she can't tell me who to be friends with, and that it's her problem if she doesn't trust me, when my actions are causing suspicion and distrust in the relationship? I don't think so.

I'm looking forward to attending a CoDA meeting with my GF tonight. It keeps me focused on keeping our relationship as healthy as possible.

sailorjohn

As codies we learn to ignore our gut instincts, what is your gut telling you?

Cynay

Welcome, I'm glad to see you reaching out for help rather then pushing you feelings aside as we usually do. I can only give you my experience on this issue and I do feel VERY strongly about how hurtful that type of behavior can be.

My ex went to meetings after meetings when he first got sober and being I was not working my program then I found that hard to deal with. I never saw him and all of a sudden he had this "fellowship" that he told me understood him....well needless to say there was a women in that fellowship as well and it ended up with them having an affair and the end of that relationship. I have seen things like this happen since but what I came to realize later is that God was doing for me what I would not have done for myself. It taught me to trust that little voice inside me and pushed me into working my own program of recovery and that is just what I needed. Since that time I do not ignore that voice or make excuses for bad behavior. I don't always handle it perfect but today I set boundries and handle it.

I do not feel there is room in a marriage for more people then the couple when it comes to being intimate and you don't have to be physical to do that, if my intentional (affairs are intentional actions to me) actions hurt my spouse and he forgives me then I need to go to all reasonable lengths to mend that trust and that means keeping people that are a risk to our relationship at arms lenghth. I personally do not feel that is unreasonable and if he were unwilling to make me feel at ease about it, I would have to question his committment.

Talk with him from your heart hon and I will pray that he is able to see your pain and fear and correct the situation.

cem001

I can so relate to this story in a different way. It was when my RAH was active in his disease. A "woman/bitch" that worked across the street was looking for a "sugar daddy" to help her in everyway shape or form. He first met her at a bar that they both went to. I have ALWAYS felt in my heart that he cheated (physically) on me with her, but could NEVER prove it. However in recent wrong doings on my part, I have found out that he was not only emotionaly cheating on me, but physically with her. He has yet to admit this, I say listen to your heart, talk openly about it. Talk to your sponsor/Al-Anon group. When my RAH (of 3 years and 7 months) got out of rehab, the old-timers stressed, if you are man, you stay with a male sponsor and ride, same for women. I think this woman needs to be asking around for a woman to give her rides. This NOT ONLY PROTECTS your husband, but your sanity as well.

Good luck.

painthorse60

Thanks so much to everyone for your replies! I agree that there is something else going on here regarding the need for all these meetings, but he won't tell me a thing. I tried to talk to him about it last night and it got ugly fast. He refuses to talk to me about anything other than the weather - I never know what's going on inside his head. He tells me only the people in AA understand me and since I'm not a member, he can't talk to me.

As far as the other woman thing goes - I tried to talk about that last night too and that's when it got really ugly - broken plate ugly. He refuses to budge and I believe whole heartedly that this is probably an emotional affair. The last one ( when he was drinking) started that way. It's the old routine - my husband/wife doesn't understand me - only YOU do. last time it was because neither of us is alcoholics - this time it's because we're not. I guess I can't win.

He claims he's "growing as a person" in AA and that's why I don't understand him. Baloney - he's just using the program to support his own agenda and I believe it will probably come back to harm him.

I honestly believe also that this meeting thing is another of his addictive behaviors. Whatever he's doing, it has to be 110% - be it alcohol, cigarettes, or - in this case - meetings. He's always searching for the magic "soemthing" to make himself happy and no matter how many things he buys or what he gets involved in, nothing works. You would think that after 3 1/2 years of emetings, he would understand this, but I guess some are just denser than others.

Thanks again for all your replies - I greatly appreciate the help and support.

Astro

I'll agree that I did grow and change as a person in AA, and feel that it's part of our recovery to become the people that God wants us to be. But in this instance it seems like it's being used as an excuse to be non-communicative in the relationship. That to me wouldn't be acceptable, healthy relationships require good and honest communication. JMHO, OK?

I've also found my meetings to be somewhat addictive, I enjoy the comraderie that's shared in the Fellowship of AA. However, I'm there to hear the message, be of service, and to work with other alcoholics. From my own experience (and I learn the hard way) platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex in the rooms of AA are not very common. At least not by what I've witnessed and experienced.

i4getsm

His behavior is certainly not what I would call trustworthy. And breaking a plate during a discussion is not acceptable and shows he is clearly out of control of his own emotions.

So for all of you old pros, what happens from here? What do you do? I understand detaching and doing things for myself, but seriously, how do you walk around not knowing if your spouse is cheating on you? I don't mean to hijack the post. I'm curious where to go from here. What kind of boundaries could you set? A little lost.

thelightdawns

Ok here's my opinion FWIW. No, you cant 'tell' your husband who to be friends with, BUT he should be able to tell between 'appropriate' and 'innapropriate'. This is what is making you uncomfortable. He's stepping over the line. If you dont trust him that's your problem ......!!!!! I cant believe they say these things. My AH does this too. If you are BOTH in the relationship and you don't trust him - it's BOTH your problem.
I am actually in a similar boat as you at the moment, AH and I have reconciled after 3 weeks and he has this person texting him. So I text her and told her we were back together.
My AH blows up if I question him about it.
Just remember 'The best form of defense, is attack' and he is obviously trying to frighten you into silence (plate breaking).
I would say he's hiding something (like my AH) and I suggest a book that has been a great help to me "Why does he do that?' - by Lundy Bancroft
It explains why they blow up like that.
Good Luck. And keep posting, it really helps.