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Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You haven't said how old your kids are but in general kids are very observant and see a whole lot more than we give them credit for.
I know that from a young age, I always knew that Mommy got weird every afternoon, that Daddy got angry after being home a couple of hours. I knew I had to tiptoe around to try not to make somebody angry. I couldn't of course tell it was that they were drunk when I was very young but I sure did know to watch out. I also learned that it was my fault, that if I only did X things would be ok for a while, that it was normal for Mommy and Daddy to wobble around the house and fight all the time.
As time went by, I learned that it was normal for Mom to be afraid of Dad, that Dad had the right to expect absolute obedience and respect, that you never talk to outsiders about what was happening at home, that I should always pretend everything was just perfect. I learned that when dad got drunk, one of us was going to be the victim of the night bearing the brunt of his anger and fists. I learned that a good wife tries to hide the bruises on her face and pretends nothing bad happened.
It wasn't until I was in college that really realized jsut how screwed up my childhood had been. And I am still at 53 unlearning some of the things I learned back as a child. I know that growing up in an alcoholic family is part of the reason I ended up married to an alcoholic.
I know that from a young age, I always knew that Mommy got weird every afternoon, that Daddy got angry after being home a couple of hours. I knew I had to tiptoe around to try not to make somebody angry. I couldn't of course tell it was that they were drunk when I was very young but I sure did know to watch out. I also learned that it was my fault, that if I only did X things would be ok for a while, that it was normal for Mommy and Daddy to wobble around the house and fight all the time.
As time went by, I learned that it was normal for Mom to be afraid of Dad, that Dad had the right to expect absolute obedience and respect, that you never talk to outsiders about what was happening at home, that I should always pretend everything was just perfect. I learned that when dad got drunk, one of us was going to be the victim of the night bearing the brunt of his anger and fists. I learned that a good wife tries to hide the bruises on her face and pretends nothing bad happened.
It wasn't until I was in college that really realized jsut how screwed up my childhood had been. And I am still at 53 unlearning some of the things I learned back as a child. I know that growing up in an alcoholic family is part of the reason I ended up married to an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I realize this is about me and changing my behaviors but at this point I
don't see how we can keep our same life.
don't see how we can keep our same life.
You can't keep the same life. Something needs to change. Either you or him. And since you can't control him.......well......that leaves you!
I never know what to say to him in front of the kids when he is drunk and rambling.
I am not even sure if it is ok for me to have a glass of wine in front of him.
Do we stop being social with our friends if I now there will be drinking involved?
In the meantime, YOU are already doing something for YOU! And that's great! You will learn the tools you need to find peace through Alanon and SR. Your recovery belongs to you. And if your husband ever decides to go through treatment or begin attending AA, his recovery will belong to him. But until then (because it may never happen--it's HIS choice), keep working on your own serenity.
gentle hugs
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I stayed with my alcoholic boyfriend for 25 years--all the time waiting for him to get sober. He never did. He died of alcoholism one year ago. He was a terrible role model for my daughter, who watched him lie to me, manipulate me, ignore me, emotionally abuse me, behave irresponsibly and irrationally, and drink himself into oblivion. And I was a terrible role model for my daughter because I taught her that a woman's role in a relationship is to tolerate untolerable behavior and live a life of misery in order to obtain material things.
Your daughters are now teens. The damage has been done. How much more damage is necessary for you to take action? They're still children; they can't change their living situation, but you can.
Your daughters are now teens. The damage has been done. How much more damage is necessary for you to take action? They're still children; they can't change their living situation, but you can.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I have been EXACTLY where you are now. If he is still functioning and at a 6 pack or two then he probably still has A LOT of drinking left to do (just my experience and opinion). I too made my husbands life nice, neat, orderly and easy thinking he would see the light and quit. I can tell you that if you stay long enough getting divorced will be the least difficult option (because staying will make you feel insane). My ex progressed over the years from being merely annoying to paranoid and mentally abusive (screaming at me if I left the room while he was speaking, taking my house keys, abusing our pet etc).
I have always been honest with my son about his dad's drinking and I don't regret it one bit.
I have always been honest with my son about his dad's drinking and I don't regret it one bit.
Long Time Sufferer
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Adamstown,MD
Posts: 7
Your daughters are now teens. The damage has been done. How much more damage is necessary for you to take action?
When you say "damage" - is this something I can repair or have I already scarred them for life?
When you say "damage" - is this something I can repair or have I already scarred them for life?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by litchfamily 
Your daughters are now teens. The damage has been done. How much more damage is necessary for you to take action?
When you say "damage" - is this something I can repair or have I already scarred them for life?
When you say "damage" - is this something I can repair or have I already scarred them for life?
Yes, you children can unlearn any disfunctional lessons they have learned. Getting the help they may need at this point would be the best gift you could ever give them. AlAnon or AlaTeen, individual therapy if needed can make a huge difference in their lives. The same can do wonders in your life also.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey Litch--
Although i grew up with the very unhealthy alcoholic father/ codependent mother dynamic I have never considered myself damaged! Warped, twisted and strange, yes. Damaged, no! ;-) I can honestly look back at my childhood and see that I had a happy childhood in many respects. We were a large active family, with many ineterests, we did travel a bit, I was loved, and well educated etc. I also remember a lot of pain, anger and confusion and embarrassment at my father's alcoholism and at my raging mother who could turn the world on with a smile but was a lunatic at home trying to rescue and tidy up after dad. Insanity.
As I said in my earlier post just the slightest supportive nudge from my mom would have saved me a lot of heartache and soul-searching. Would it have prevented me from marrying the irresponsibili-holic that I was married to for 7 years so I could re-create that codie dynamic? Probably not - but I have two wonderful children from my Ex - I like to think (and pray) that they got the best of him and it was their destiny to have these parents...does that make sense. And I recognized within 7 years that I had recreated that dynamic and I got help and I got OUT!! Very happily divorced and my boys are A-OK normal kids.
We are the sum of all our experiences. When we are suffering in life and are met with compassion it is an opportunity for change and growth. We cannot undo the past - it is a fruitless endeavor to embark on the "what if's", "if onlys", and "how can I undos".
Having an alcoholic father - and then the last 20 years of his life a recovered alcoholic fgather has taught me many many valuable things. When my dad had a few years of AA recovery under his belt he made his amends to each of his 5 children in conversations and in letters which I cherish to this day. He became an entirely available and different person through recovery and that healed a lot of wounds for me. He was very honest and courageous, and no longer self-serving and stubborn.
So all this yada yada to say: Fear not! Begin now to meet your daughters where they need to be met with this stuff. Loving compassion, and sincere regret for any pain your denial or silence may have caused them will open the doors for healing....dealing with an alcoholic loved one is difficult in the extreme. Even if that's all you can share with them at this time it is REAL. You don't have the answers you are searching, and you can share that with them too!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Although i grew up with the very unhealthy alcoholic father/ codependent mother dynamic I have never considered myself damaged! Warped, twisted and strange, yes. Damaged, no! ;-) I can honestly look back at my childhood and see that I had a happy childhood in many respects. We were a large active family, with many ineterests, we did travel a bit, I was loved, and well educated etc. I also remember a lot of pain, anger and confusion and embarrassment at my father's alcoholism and at my raging mother who could turn the world on with a smile but was a lunatic at home trying to rescue and tidy up after dad. Insanity.
As I said in my earlier post just the slightest supportive nudge from my mom would have saved me a lot of heartache and soul-searching. Would it have prevented me from marrying the irresponsibili-holic that I was married to for 7 years so I could re-create that codie dynamic? Probably not - but I have two wonderful children from my Ex - I like to think (and pray) that they got the best of him and it was their destiny to have these parents...does that make sense. And I recognized within 7 years that I had recreated that dynamic and I got help and I got OUT!! Very happily divorced and my boys are A-OK normal kids.
We are the sum of all our experiences. When we are suffering in life and are met with compassion it is an opportunity for change and growth. We cannot undo the past - it is a fruitless endeavor to embark on the "what if's", "if onlys", and "how can I undos".
Having an alcoholic father - and then the last 20 years of his life a recovered alcoholic fgather has taught me many many valuable things. When my dad had a few years of AA recovery under his belt he made his amends to each of his 5 children in conversations and in letters which I cherish to this day. He became an entirely available and different person through recovery and that healed a lot of wounds for me. He was very honest and courageous, and no longer self-serving and stubborn.
So all this yada yada to say: Fear not! Begin now to meet your daughters where they need to be met with this stuff. Loving compassion, and sincere regret for any pain your denial or silence may have caused them will open the doors for healing....dealing with an alcoholic loved one is difficult in the extreme. Even if that's all you can share with them at this time it is REAL. You don't have the answers you are searching, and you can share that with them too!
(((hugs)))
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 23
I echo Bernadette. Growing up in an alcholic home was tough but it didn't ruin me or my life. There was love and fun and I am close to my family (and mom still drinks, but I am pretty detached from it). I got a good education and have done well for myself financially. I knew enough to get into therapy and get help when I needed it.
I'd suggest that you not worry so much about what is in the past, but focus on what you can do today (big or small) to make things better going forward.
Kids are resilient and love goes a long way. It is unlikely that they will stop loving their dad over this, especially if they know he loves them. It is probable that they will be more comfortable with loving him, while questioning his behaviour, if they know what is really going on.
I'd suggest that you not worry so much about what is in the past, but focus on what you can do today (big or small) to make things better going forward.
Kids are resilient and love goes a long way. It is unlikely that they will stop loving their dad over this, especially if they know he loves them. It is probable that they will be more comfortable with loving him, while questioning his behaviour, if they know what is really going on.
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