Hi
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Hi
I'm hoping you'll be able to be open to helping me in ways that the others in addiction forums cannot. I'm doing great in my recovery, I've got 65 days clean, no relapses, sticking to my program and my NA meetings. I feel good physically and clear mentally. I was addicted to pain pills for 10 months following some surgeries I had on my spine last year. I still have my great job, lovely home, two wonderful children, one grown, one in High School and a sweet labrador.
Now on to the current problem: For the past 3 years I've dated, not lived with, a man who had an ever-increasing problem with alcohol. When we started dating, his drinking was only on holidays, not too bad. By the time I went into recovery, I knew he was a chronic alcoholic, drinking about a case of beer a day, it seemed (he hid it, so I'm not sure). He still made it to work, never was arrested or violent, and still paid his bills most of the time, so he justified it as "a few beers after work, or life is not even worth living!" I didn't like what it was doing to him or his screwed-up teen daughter who watched and started to abuse drugs at home every day (he didn't have a problem with her smoking pot!) I couldn't take it. He agreed to go into outpatient treatment with me, and he went. He wanted to taper off alcohol, which I've never heard of working. The doctor thought it would be better than keeping on the way he was and agreed to try it with him. He took campral for a while, and cut his usage to, he said, 5 beers a day. Still too much, but better. He planned to cut more the next month. He never made it to the next appt. Then he told me that he believed that I was cheating on him by going to all my NA meetings (I wasn't) and insisted that I stop. I refused, so he left. My life is so much better without his jealousy and drinking. I was just looking for a way to end it.
Now my question: This was my first relationship with a substance abuser. How do I ensure I don't do this again? Most of the women I know that date a drunk, pick another. I don't ever want to do it again, in fact I don't want to ever date again right now. What ways do you all use to avoid going back there?
Also, what is a duck that you all always talk about? Thanx!
KJ
Now on to the current problem: For the past 3 years I've dated, not lived with, a man who had an ever-increasing problem with alcohol. When we started dating, his drinking was only on holidays, not too bad. By the time I went into recovery, I knew he was a chronic alcoholic, drinking about a case of beer a day, it seemed (he hid it, so I'm not sure). He still made it to work, never was arrested or violent, and still paid his bills most of the time, so he justified it as "a few beers after work, or life is not even worth living!" I didn't like what it was doing to him or his screwed-up teen daughter who watched and started to abuse drugs at home every day (he didn't have a problem with her smoking pot!) I couldn't take it. He agreed to go into outpatient treatment with me, and he went. He wanted to taper off alcohol, which I've never heard of working. The doctor thought it would be better than keeping on the way he was and agreed to try it with him. He took campral for a while, and cut his usage to, he said, 5 beers a day. Still too much, but better. He planned to cut more the next month. He never made it to the next appt. Then he told me that he believed that I was cheating on him by going to all my NA meetings (I wasn't) and insisted that I stop. I refused, so he left. My life is so much better without his jealousy and drinking. I was just looking for a way to end it.
Now my question: This was my first relationship with a substance abuser. How do I ensure I don't do this again? Most of the women I know that date a drunk, pick another. I don't ever want to do it again, in fact I don't want to ever date again right now. What ways do you all use to avoid going back there?
Also, what is a duck that you all always talk about? Thanx!
KJ
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
The diuck we refer to is "quacking." A term that means the addict is saying a bunch of nonsense, making excuses, blaming others for the addiction for which he or she will not take responsibility.
How can you keep from dating another addict? As soon as you recognize the signs or have that gut instinct telling you that you have an addict on your hands - RUN. There are no guarantees you won't find yourself involved with another addict, but you have the power to make your own choices.
Choose to keep your radar finely tuned to those little red flags that so many of us chose to ignore.
How can you keep from dating another addict? As soon as you recognize the signs or have that gut instinct telling you that you have an addict on your hands - RUN. There are no guarantees you won't find yourself involved with another addict, but you have the power to make your own choices.
Choose to keep your radar finely tuned to those little red flags that so many of us chose to ignore.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by kj3880 
Now my question: This was my first relationship with a substance abuser. How do I ensure I don't do this again? Most of the women I know that date a drunk, pick another. I don't ever want to do it again, in fact I don't want to ever date again right now. What ways do you all use to avoid going back there?
Also, what is a duck that you all always talk about? Thanx!
KJ
Also, what is a duck that you all always talk about? Thanx!
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Now my question: This was my first relationship with a substance abuser. How do I ensure I don't do this again? Most of the women I know that date a drunk, pick another. I don't ever want to do it again, in fact I don't want to ever date again right now. What ways do you all use to avoid going back there?
Also, what is a duck that you all always talk about? Thanx!
Also, what is a duck that you all always talk about? Thanx!
You can look out for red flags I guess but nothing in this life is a definite. I really don't know. Good question.
But I'm so happy you realised that your relationship was not right with your ex.
And if you want to hear some quacking, I'll give you my ex's number! He's an expert at it!
Take care of YOU x x
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
The older I get the more I realize that "like attracts like." When I'm emotionally and physically healthy, I attract similar people. When I'm emotionally and physically a mess, I attract the same.
The best way to attract a healthy partner in the future is to get healthy. Attending regular NA meetings and posting on SR will help you immensely. You also might want to consider attending Alanon meetings and posting on the F&F forum as well.
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on 65 days of sobriety. That's hard work!
The best way to attract a healthy partner in the future is to get healthy. Attending regular NA meetings and posting on SR will help you immensely. You also might want to consider attending Alanon meetings and posting on the F&F forum as well.
Welcome to the forum and congratulations on 65 days of sobriety. That's hard work!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
That's such a great question. Yesterday I broke up with the first girl I dated after a 10 year marriage to an alcoholic because I felt like she might be one too. Of course, to hear her say it, I am overreacting because of my experience with my AW, and she is taking the brunt of my baggage from my failed marriage. Maybe she is right. Grrr . . . why does it all have to be so confusing??
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Thanks to the 5 great responders I got here, all of them good ideas. A couple of you said that if you are healthy, you'll tend to attract that. I hope that is true. I think that is a good reason to avoid all dating for at least a year after getting sober. That's what I plan to do. Not even tempted right now.
LostGuy, I don't think you are over-reacting. In fact, we usually under-react to the faults in people we're in love with. And here's my advice: if you aren't married, don't have children together or a home together, best to break it off if you think she's headed that way while it's so easy to break up. We didn't live together, so all it involved was an argument. No moving, dragging kids, lawyers, court, big money spent, none of that. And that's a good reason not to move in with anyone (or esp. to procreate with them!!)until you know them for a loooong time, maybe until you trust 'em enough to marry 'em.
kj
LostGuy, I don't think you are over-reacting. In fact, we usually under-react to the faults in people we're in love with. And here's my advice: if you aren't married, don't have children together or a home together, best to break it off if you think she's headed that way while it's so easy to break up. We didn't live together, so all it involved was an argument. No moving, dragging kids, lawyers, court, big money spent, none of that. And that's a good reason not to move in with anyone (or esp. to procreate with them!!)until you know them for a loooong time, maybe until you trust 'em enough to marry 'em.
kj
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I, too, think that avoiding dating for one year after sobriety (or after leaving a codependent relationship) is excellent advice. I know for me, it allowed me to focus on getting healthy and decide what I want out of life. My one year period is up but I still feel I'm not ready for a new relationship. Or maybe I simply don't want one at this time.
I figure when the the time is right, I'll know.
I figure when the the time is right, I'll know.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
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I agree, formerdoormat. And I'm actually quite happy alone. Well maybe not this week, what with my parents house being destroyed by a tornado, and getting stuck with a sick junkies' syringe at work (accidental). But overall, I'm really happy to be alone. Now that I'm in my mid-40's I really do enjoy my own company, and I'd so rather pursue my own interests than constantly try to tag along with whatever he wants to do all the time. I love my kids, my dog, house, hobbies, and being able to go wherever I want, any old time. Singles ROCK!
kj
kj
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
There you go KJ!! Singles do rock....
I have no advice as I wouldn't know what to do with a nice guy if he was hand delivered to me..... I always pick the "challenges". so after the last one (who I didn't take on my cross country move with me) I've vowed to stay single. At least until I get better.
I'm glad you ended it with him when u did though (or he did, doesn't really matter who's idea it was)- from the sounds of it - it was only going to get worse. And who needs that..........
I have no advice as I wouldn't know what to do with a nice guy if he was hand delivered to me..... I always pick the "challenges". so after the last one (who I didn't take on my cross country move with me) I've vowed to stay single. At least until I get better.
I'm glad you ended it with him when u did though (or he did, doesn't really matter who's idea it was)- from the sounds of it - it was only going to get worse. And who needs that..........
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