stillsearching

Well, I had a real slap in the face realization this week about a few things....first my daughter graduated from HS last night and I realized how sad it was that I had to ask me AH not to be drunk...what normal family has to do that??!! I had left early with my daughter, my older son brought the youngest. My AH showed up 10 minutes late although not "drunk"...I could certainly smell the booze....what a idiot!

Also I was talking my youngest this week about things with her Dad, my AH. I didn't go into too much detail but, we did talk about things changing over the next few months...(I really want out, but am holding out until I get a job)....I talked about issues with her Dad's drinking being a problem, she said to me well maybe he is like I learned about at school, addicted and his body wants more.....uhhh, OK, what do I say to that...she is 9. When I asked her if she noticed any things about her Dad, she said not really. I thought but didn't say to her, how could that be...the slurring, stinky breath, staggering...on and on and on. But, as I thought about our conversation later on....it HIT me upside the head like a rock........of course it would not seem out of place to her....that is all she has seen, the behavior she has seen she has grown up with.....it seems normal to her...............this breaks my heart, she will grow up to marry someone just like him....if I the parent doesn't do something...NOW.....

suki44883

Not necessarily. Don't sell you daughter short...she sounds like a pretty smart cookie.

GiveLove

Children do learn what they live.

She may "book learn" about alcoholism and addiction in school, as I did, but growing up in an environment where drunkenness was normal and accepted -- where the parent DIDN'T act to protect me from it -- gets into your blood and your behavior. I was 35 before I saw anything strange about people constantly turning to chemicals to make them feel good about being alive.

You are doing things right, searching. Keep talking to them, help them understand, make sure the channels of communication with your kids stay open. And do what you have to do to ensure your own happiness and theirs. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you have an income and a plan.

Hugs,
GL

Barbara52

I too didn't see anything odd in having both parents drunk all the time. I assumed that was the way everyone acted. I knew nothing else. So , yeah, drunk was normal. I was in college really before I fully realized how screwed up my family had been and that no, not every adult is drunk on a daily basis.

LorraeOz

By coincidence, a similar thing is happening in our household at the mo.

For the first time ever my 8yo daughter spoke to me about her dad's drinking. She informed me that people who drink and drive will either "crash or be caught by the police" and she quite matter of factly said that "Dad drinks and drives", but then said "but only short drives", as if that was okay? I realised she has probably told him that it's wrong and that's what AH has replied with. She has also, this week, had the drugs talk at school, but still seems a bit confused because she says that Dad "only drinks beer". (he doesn't).

I had no idea that she or our 6 yo son knew anything about alcoholism. I thought they still thought that Dad was just "tired because he works so hard". Which was the lie that he used in response to their first questions about why he talks and acts the way he does. I also perpetuated this lie by not telling them the truth and now I'm a little ashamed of this.

I always wondered if it ever occured to them to ask why does Dad act funny when he gets tired (slurring, staggering, getting angry, falling asleep on the floor etc), but Mum doesn't do any of those things when she gets tired. To them it's normal. Dad acts one way. Mum acts another.

I intend to sit them both down and talk to them about it this week. I am unsure whether to tell AH I am about to do this, to give him the opportunity to sit with me when I tell them or to just go ahead without him. Any thoughts?

Thanks
Lorrae

matrix

LorraeOz

My mom is an alcoholic and my ASO is a drug addict. IMHO you should talk to your kids without AH. He will undermine and/or contradict anything you say, because he doesn't see the problem. It will be harder and confusing for them if you and your AH are not on the same page.
I'd also think through what you want to say and what you hope to accomplish..maybe keep it short and simple and make sure that they know that the topic is now open and up for discussion any time that they want to talk about it. One of the biggest issues in the alcoholic home is all the secrecy and dishonesty that exists around the drunk's behaviour.
I applaud you for wanting to be open with your kids and provide a safe place for them to talk about this.