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This really touched me

Old 06-07-2008, 07:39 AM
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Smile This really touched me

Read this earlier on another site, and it really helped me see things in a new light....

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We try guilt, manipulation, direct confrontation, attack, threats, ultimatums all to no avail. We don't understand how our loved one can't love us enough to put us out of our pain and stop drinking or taking drugs. But, here's the thing, the addict's addiction isn't about us at all. It is about him or her and his or her pain, environmental upbringing, perspectives, life-lessons, challenges, etc. It's not up to us to force them to learn their lesson faster to make us happy. We try to help in so many ways by maybe rearranging our schedules, making excuses to save them from embarrassment, we take on some of their accountabilities because we know they are sick, we soften the blows the consequences of their addictions are intended to deliver. We, unwittingly, make it easier for them to stay addicted and then at the same time, keep trying to change them, we keep trying to make their addiction about us because it hurts us.

When you attack someone who is already in pain, what do you think that does to that person? It makes them feel worse. When you manipulate and guilt someone who knows that their addiction is a problem, what do you think that does to that person? It makes them feel worse.

"Okay smarty pants, if I cant guilt, manipulate, attack or soften the blow for my addicted loved one, what can I do?" The answer might sound simple but here it is: Help yourself. Focus on healing your pain from the addiction. Work on healing your negative behavior that resulted from interaction with the addicted loved one. They say alcoholism in particular, is a family disease. They don't say that just because there are cases of genetic passing on of the disease from parent to child. They say that because the people around the alcoholic develop behaviors to cope with the alcoholic or addict's addiction. Often, those behaviors are negative and reinforce the addiction and make us co-dependent.

In some adult relationships, for reasons that relate to our own environmental psychology, we need to be needed. When we're involved with an alcoholic or drug addict, we get an ego boost when the alcoholic or addict needs us and we can step in and save the day...help them find an attorney for a DUI, pay their rent when they drank their paycheck and can't afford to pay it, pay their electric bill, car payment, medical bills, etc. Then, we resent having to take responsibility for someone else at some point and we start to fight back or we start to set boundaries only to be attacked because the alcoholic or addict has become dependent upon us. They don't understand why we're not helping and may perceive the setting of boundaries as an act of disloyalty or that we no longer love them.

Face it, we love our loved ones period whether they are addicted or not. But, we are not helping them at all if we intervene in their addiction, save them from consequences and soften the blows related to the choices that they make. We take on their addiction by feeling that if they loved us enough they could stop. Love between you has nothing to do with it. It's a disease that is difficult to cure but it is a disease that a co-dependent's actions can make worse or reinforce.

To get out of the tangled web of co-dependency, I recommend the following affirmation:

1. I will live my life being responsible for myself.
2. I will fix only myself.
3. I will rescue only myself.
4. I am loved and love my addicted or alcoholic loved one enough to say no to requests for help that would soften the blows of their addiction.
5. I deserve to live free from fear of the alcoholic or drug addict and will protect myself physically and psychologically by putting distance between me and the alcholic or drug addict if necessary.
6. I will respond to attacks or accusations that have something to do with me. When they don't, I will refuse to engage in an angry discussion.
7. I will not guilt, attack, manipulate or change anyone. I will seek to change only myself, my actions and my reactions.
8. I deserve to live a happy life free from the consequences of addiction.
9. I will love myself enough to seek support while I deal with the addiction in my life.
10. I will learn to love myself and others without condition.
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Old 06-07-2008, 08:38 AM
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Fantastic! I love affirmations they really settle me down and give me good words to use to replace negative thinking when it creeps in or bad habits re-emerge.
Thank You for this Vanden!
B.
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Old 06-07-2008, 09:32 AM
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Thanks for sharing that. Excellent!

The only item in the list that I have some issues with is #6.

6. I will respond to attacks or accusations that have something to do with me. When they don't, I will refuse to engage in an angry discussion.
I have found that an alcoholic will often purposely try to make things about the codependent HOPING that they will engage in angry discussion. I won't engage in the conversation when the alcoholic is throwing out "bait". Things that they may say that ARE about the other person in the relationship to divert the attention from themselves.

Things like:

"I drink because of YOU."

Ok....they are trying to make it about me but I'm not going there.

"You're the one that made me take that job."

No I didn't. But there's no use in trying to tell an alcoholic that.

You get my drift. Those are also conversations that aren't a good idea to get involved with. They are not true and the only purpose mean comments directed at the codie serve is to get them to engage in battle. My RA son threw out some doozies when he was actively drinking. I found that it was best to just ignore them no matter how hurtful. My response would only further fuel the nonsense.

Thanks again for sharing that passage. Good info!
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Old 06-07-2008, 09:51 AM
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((((Vanden))))) thanks for posting this.
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Old 06-07-2008, 11:06 AM
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//
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Old 06-07-2008, 11:51 AM
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I have found that an alcoholic will often purposely try to make things about the codependent HOPING that they will engage in angry discussion

I can relate to this. What I never understood was how my XABF could start fights with me over the stupidest things and i would get sooooo mad that I would want to kill him. He knew it too and then would turn it around after and make me feel crazy. I used to feel my blood boil and before i knew it we would be screaming at each other. It was like i thought I had to stand up for myself at all costs but i NEVER made him see how dumb he was being. It always came back to me!

Things like "you stole my shirt" how could I..I was bigger than him at the time! "where is my hairbrush" woke me up yelling more than once accusing me of hiding it on him. Found it under the couch I told him the dog probably played with it and pushed it under there. He said "no...you did it..the dog didnt"

Stuff like this just really used to blow my mind and now looking back I can't believe I fell for it. I wonder if he thought he was right or If he was just trying to get me going. Why would someone want to fight first thing in the morning with someone who is half asleep? Who knows...These are things I try not to forget, I don't dwell on them but I don't forget them because it reminds me of how hard it was to live with him.

They say that the A's mental growth is stunted at the age they start using. He started using at 12-13. So all those years I was dealing with a 12 year old? I really see this now. I wonder if it is something they don't know they are doing or if it is planned out. Hmmmm....
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Old 06-07-2008, 01:37 PM
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I wonder if it is something they don't know they are doing or if it is planned out. Hmmmm....
I doubt knowing this would make any real difference
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Old 06-07-2008, 06:32 PM
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I agree it wouldn't matter...just wondering in cyberspace LOL!
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:44 AM
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Excellent post!!!
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