The Decision Keeping Me Awake
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
The Decision Keeping Me Awake
One of the biggest changes in my recovery is that I quit my acting troupe. I had worked with them for 5 years and in the process became a heavy drinker, as alcoholism was rampant. One of my acting coaches was a bullying cocaine addict who took advantage of my people-pleasing nature by using me as a virtual slave.
So with all this in mind, I left. But before I did I had made a verbal agreement with one of my colleagues to appear in his play later this year.
Now that I'm changing, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be pulled back in to that world, where i would have to work again with the AF who slept with my friend and led to the end of that relationship. What I really want to do is start my Yoga teacher training which I've been planning for some time.
But I don't know how to tell my colleague I'm dropping out. I feel tremendous guilt and stress (my disease-to-please) but I have to do it soon so I'll be free and he can find someone else.
What troubles me most though is how much stress this is causing me, as an ACOA it seems decisions always crush me.
So with all this in mind, I left. But before I did I had made a verbal agreement with one of my colleagues to appear in his play later this year.
Now that I'm changing, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be pulled back in to that world, where i would have to work again with the AF who slept with my friend and led to the end of that relationship. What I really want to do is start my Yoga teacher training which I've been planning for some time.
But I don't know how to tell my colleague I'm dropping out. I feel tremendous guilt and stress (my disease-to-please) but I have to do it soon so I'll be free and he can find someone else.
What troubles me most though is how much stress this is causing me, as an ACOA it seems decisions always crush me.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
"I'm sorry but my circumstances have changed and I will be unable to participate."
That would work for me.
If someone came to you and said they couldn't do something they had early said they would do for reasons such as you have given or for trivial reasons, what would your reaction be?
That would work for me.
If someone came to you and said they couldn't do something they had early said they would do for reasons such as you have given or for trivial reasons, what would your reaction be?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
One of the hardest things for me is to back out of something I said I'd do, even if I am 100% sure that backing out's the right thing to do.
I usually have to keep it very short and simple too. And if I can, I'll do it in writing so there's less of a chance of manipulation. But that's just me.
Telling this person that your life's taking a different direction and you're not going to be able to participate is a perfectly normal, acceptable thing to say. They don't need to know the details. Honestly? It's none of their business.
And telling them sooner rather than later not only frees YOU up, but frees THEM up to find a replacement for you.
It's just like taking off a band-aid, angelus. It just hurts for a second and then you'll be much, much better off. Promise yourself some kind of reward or treat for when you've done this hard thing!!!!
I usually have to keep it very short and simple too. And if I can, I'll do it in writing so there's less of a chance of manipulation. But that's just me.
Telling this person that your life's taking a different direction and you're not going to be able to participate is a perfectly normal, acceptable thing to say. They don't need to know the details. Honestly? It's none of their business.
And telling them sooner rather than later not only frees YOU up, but frees THEM up to find a replacement for you.
It's just like taking off a band-aid, angelus. It just hurts for a second and then you'll be much, much better off. Promise yourself some kind of reward or treat for when you've done this hard thing!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya Angelus--
I mean absolutely no offense by this and I hope you can hear it in the spirit it is intended, but "you're not that important!"
By which I mean these people will be disappointed maybe, they may even be angry. But 24 - 48 hours later they will be re-casting the part you are foregoing, and they will be wrapped up in their own drama (which sounds like it has a double meaning where this group is concerned!)
I used to freak myself out about changing my mind on a commitment. I could make myself sick over it, literally. Like if I had said I could go to this or that family party and then I just could not arrange for it or just did not want to go I would be a wreck and procrastinate calling the person to back out.
But y'know what? Every time the party went on without me!! Everyone there had their good time or not, maybe my name came up, maybe not, and life went on!!! I didn't RUIN anything!! I'm not that important!!!
Yoga teacher training? Sounds like a fantastic and healing career! And you'll never want for work, yoga is only getting more popular (and needed) in the U.S.
Peace,
B.
I mean absolutely no offense by this and I hope you can hear it in the spirit it is intended, but "you're not that important!"
By which I mean these people will be disappointed maybe, they may even be angry. But 24 - 48 hours later they will be re-casting the part you are foregoing, and they will be wrapped up in their own drama (which sounds like it has a double meaning where this group is concerned!)
I used to freak myself out about changing my mind on a commitment. I could make myself sick over it, literally. Like if I had said I could go to this or that family party and then I just could not arrange for it or just did not want to go I would be a wreck and procrastinate calling the person to back out.
But y'know what? Every time the party went on without me!! Everyone there had their good time or not, maybe my name came up, maybe not, and life went on!!! I didn't RUIN anything!! I'm not that important!!!
Yoga teacher training? Sounds like a fantastic and healing career! And you'll never want for work, yoga is only getting more popular (and needed) in the U.S.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
A-
I'm glad you "got it" and smiled!! The first time a friend pointed that out to me I wanted to punch her in the nose!! (another advantage of cyber friends!!!)
Now it is one of my favorite "let myself off the hook" phrases when I am paralyzed to make a call....
Peace-B.
I'm glad you "got it" and smiled!! The first time a friend pointed that out to me I wanted to punch her in the nose!! (another advantage of cyber friends!!!)
Now it is one of my favorite "let myself off the hook" phrases when I am paralyzed to make a call....
Peace-B.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm glad you "got it" and smiled!! The first time a friend pointed that out to me I wanted to punch her in the nose!! (another advantage of cyber friends!!!)
Ok......not really.......but I had to read on before I understood what you were saying and you're right. When it all comes down to it, we aren't that important. How silly of us to think that other people's worlds revolve around us. That's a wonderful reminder! Thanks for sharing that!
Angelus......I LOVE yoga! I'm looking for a new instructor as mine moved away. I'm not sure I'll ever find anyone as wonderful as she was.
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