so many questions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 17
so many questions
i have so many questions that I can't figure out what to write.
your responses to my previous post helped me talk to him. I let him know that it was time for me to take care of myself. To make decisions for me and to trust my own gut. His biggest worry... that i want him to stop drinking. I told him that I want to be in a loving, intimate, and trusting marriage. That I didn't want to have to worry about him taking care of the kids. He started making promises. I asked him to stop. He said he would see a counselor... I'll believe it when i see it......And now... things are quiet...
... how do you live with an alcoholic? is it possible? is it fair? setting boundaries, remembering the three cs... all of it... is that a way of life? or is it just another way of pushing everything down? how do i make it stop?
how do i make up for so many years of idiotic decisions? how do i undo this for my kids? how do i recover myself without destorying them?
is it possible to live with someone who is an alcoholic and be happy?
your responses to my previous post helped me talk to him. I let him know that it was time for me to take care of myself. To make decisions for me and to trust my own gut. His biggest worry... that i want him to stop drinking. I told him that I want to be in a loving, intimate, and trusting marriage. That I didn't want to have to worry about him taking care of the kids. He started making promises. I asked him to stop. He said he would see a counselor... I'll believe it when i see it......And now... things are quiet...
... how do you live with an alcoholic? is it possible? is it fair? setting boundaries, remembering the three cs... all of it... is that a way of life? or is it just another way of pushing everything down? how do i make it stop?
how do i make up for so many years of idiotic decisions? how do i undo this for my kids? how do i recover myself without destorying them?
is it possible to live with someone who is an alcoholic and be happy?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Imit,
Try reading about detachment, codependency, and anything you find here on keeping your focus off of him and onto you. These are very helpful to finding happiness within yourself instead of from another person. I do not know if you will be able to be happy within your marriage to an active alcoholic, but it is a start. And often I read that when the non-alcoholic spouse finds recovery, meaning learns how to detach and let the alcoholic deal with his own choices and consequences, it does make him realize HE has a problem and HE needs to change. But don't detach for HIM; do it for you. There is much power and serenity in learning the art of detachment. It gets YOU into a more tranquil frame of mind where you are making better decisions about YOUR life and your children's lives. With detachment comes strength, and we need that to handle the curves living with an alcoholic throws at us. Happiness is there for YOU if you want it, married to him or not. It all starts with taking the first step towards focusing your thoughts on the one person who you can change, yourself.
Try to not think in terms of "undoing" what has been done. The past is past. Today is a good day to keep educating yourself and start taking steps, baby steps at first if it is all too overwhelming at first. If you haven't read it, I recommend finding the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will help you realize that trying to get HIM to do something isn't really the right way to handle living with an addict. It will make you cry probably too! It had a profound affect on me, and helped me to turn a lot around in my life.
Glad you are here (sorry for the reason, though!) but do know you are not alone, that many here are walking the same path with you or have walked it to the finish as well
Try reading about detachment, codependency, and anything you find here on keeping your focus off of him and onto you. These are very helpful to finding happiness within yourself instead of from another person. I do not know if you will be able to be happy within your marriage to an active alcoholic, but it is a start. And often I read that when the non-alcoholic spouse finds recovery, meaning learns how to detach and let the alcoholic deal with his own choices and consequences, it does make him realize HE has a problem and HE needs to change. But don't detach for HIM; do it for you. There is much power and serenity in learning the art of detachment. It gets YOU into a more tranquil frame of mind where you are making better decisions about YOUR life and your children's lives. With detachment comes strength, and we need that to handle the curves living with an alcoholic throws at us. Happiness is there for YOU if you want it, married to him or not. It all starts with taking the first step towards focusing your thoughts on the one person who you can change, yourself.
Try to not think in terms of "undoing" what has been done. The past is past. Today is a good day to keep educating yourself and start taking steps, baby steps at first if it is all too overwhelming at first. If you haven't read it, I recommend finding the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will help you realize that trying to get HIM to do something isn't really the right way to handle living with an addict. It will make you cry probably too! It had a profound affect on me, and helped me to turn a lot around in my life.
Glad you are here (sorry for the reason, though!) but do know you are not alone, that many here are walking the same path with you or have walked it to the finish as well
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Welcome imit, you've found a very caring and supportive space. Others will be along to add their support, and please feel free to make as many posts as you need. Take some time to read through the stickies, where you'll find information we've all found helpful. If you see a post from one of us that strikes a chord for you, you can click on our screen name and bring up a list of past posts we made. It can be a quick way to see our individual stories, perspectives, and support we've received.
In my opinion, yes, it is possible to live with an alcoholic and be happy. I do not think it will be easy, and I think it will be nearly impossible without help and support.
I do not think of these things as being a way of pushing everything down. Actually, you have to stop pushing down in order to do these things! It is a way of life, but it is likely to be different than the one you have known so far. Because you will become more aware of your needs and how to meet them yourself, you will likely find a new and rewarding way of life.
By "it", do you mean his drinking? If so, our encouragement is for you to stop making him stop. If your definition of happiness includes having him stop drinking, you're giving him the power to control your happiness, and it will be a losing proposition. Our challenge is to stop giving away our power to others, taking that power back for ourselves to wield in our own quest for personal fulfillment. It is totally worth it, for the best partnerships come from partners who bring their own personal strengths into relationship, instead of always taking something away.
Karen
In my opinion, yes, it is possible to live with an alcoholic and be happy. I do not think it will be easy, and I think it will be nearly impossible without help and support.
... how do you live with an alcoholic? is it possible? is it fair? setting boundaries, remembering the three cs... all of it... is that a way of life? or is it just another way of pushing everything down?
how do i make it stop?
Karen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Hi Imit.
One thing that really helps me cope -- although I truly find it difficult to remember and believe -- is that there are bad days (or spells) and then there are good days (or spells). This too shall pass.
The extreme despair I feel one minute can give way to calmer, more neutral feelings, or even hope. But I usually need my meetings and other people's experience, strength and hope to help cross that gap.
The SR board is a great resource. Keep posting!
abc
One thing that really helps me cope -- although I truly find it difficult to remember and believe -- is that there are bad days (or spells) and then there are good days (or spells). This too shall pass.
The extreme despair I feel one minute can give way to calmer, more neutral feelings, or even hope. But I usually need my meetings and other people's experience, strength and hope to help cross that gap.
The SR board is a great resource. Keep posting!
abc
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It is such an individual thing. I don't know that any of us can really answer your questions. But hopefully, you will eventually be able to answer those questions for yourself. And keep us posted. We care.
gentle hugs
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey imit--
(((hugs)))
how do i make up for so many years of idiotic decisions? how do i undo this for my kids? how do i recover myself without destorying them?
Recovering yourself will only benefit your children!
Can you rally some help? Like start reading "Codependent No More" and maybe try AlAnon or individual counseling? Every minute that you invest in YOUR recovery will start showing you the pathway to answering your many questions.
Can you try hard to forgive yourself for "idiotic decisions?"
We've all made 'em! The past is past - you are free in this moment!
Keep posting and reading and seeking (and ACCEPTING) help.
It may not be easy but it is worth it!
One Day at A Time Imit!
Peace,
B.
(((hugs)))
how do i make up for so many years of idiotic decisions? how do i undo this for my kids? how do i recover myself without destorying them?
Recovering yourself will only benefit your children!
Can you rally some help? Like start reading "Codependent No More" and maybe try AlAnon or individual counseling? Every minute that you invest in YOUR recovery will start showing you the pathway to answering your many questions.
Can you try hard to forgive yourself for "idiotic decisions?"
We've all made 'em! The past is past - you are free in this moment!
Keep posting and reading and seeking (and ACCEPTING) help.
It may not be easy but it is worth it!
One Day at A Time Imit!
Peace,
B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by SailorKaren 
By "it", do you mean his drinking? If so, our encouragement is for you to stop making him stop. If your definition of happiness includes having him stop drinking, you're giving him the power to control your happiness, and it will be a losing proposition. Our challenge is to stop giving away our power to others, taking that power back for ourselves to wield in our own quest for personal fulfillment. It is totally worth it, for the best partnerships come from partners who bring their own personal strengths into relationship, instead of always taking something away.
Karen
Karen
I am not sure how to have my own power or set boundaries.... I am not sure what boundaries to set...
he said that he would see a counselor because he loves me and our family... Great, right. All the wrong reasons.... nothing to do with him. He is so scared someone is going to tell him not to drink anymore...
Thanks for all the support.... its going to be a long road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 17
he is going to a counselor now... .has attended two sessions.... I listened to him tonight as he explained how he doesn't want to stop drinking... how he just wants to be able to control his drinking. That he wants to get rid of the impulse not to go to a bar in the middle of the afternoon.. And how he has cut back so much recently (WHAT???)
I said nothing.... Just tried to support him for going to talk to someone. In my mind I was thinking of all the posts that I have read on this sight.... about how many times I have heard him say the same thing.... But I said nothing.
I am trying hard not to do the things I used to do... Not to count the endless supply of beer in the fridge. How not to ask where he is going or what he is doing. how not to look at the garbarge to figure out how much he's had..... I am trying...
Thank you for all you share on this site. I know that I am learning... I am learing slowly.... slowly.
I said nothing.... Just tried to support him for going to talk to someone. In my mind I was thinking of all the posts that I have read on this sight.... about how many times I have heard him say the same thing.... But I said nothing.
I am trying hard not to do the things I used to do... Not to count the endless supply of beer in the fridge. How not to ask where he is going or what he is doing. how not to look at the garbarge to figure out how much he's had..... I am trying...
Thank you for all you share on this site. I know that I am learning... I am learing slowly.... slowly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
imit
Recovery is a process. I think that each step that the alcoholic takes (and the codie takes) is an important part of the process. They are struggling too......just like we are. They need to try all the "tricks" and try to "control it". In a way, codies do the same things. We use our bag of tricks (begging, yelling, ignoring, detective work, confrontation, believing, trusting, not trusting)......none of them work. We do things to try to control the A, it doesn't work. Eventually, we either get it or we don't. Just like the alcoholic.
Keep concentrating on your own recovery and remember that his recovery (or lack thereof) belongs to him and yours belongs to you.
gentle hugs
Recovery is a process. I think that each step that the alcoholic takes (and the codie takes) is an important part of the process. They are struggling too......just like we are. They need to try all the "tricks" and try to "control it". In a way, codies do the same things. We use our bag of tricks (begging, yelling, ignoring, detective work, confrontation, believing, trusting, not trusting)......none of them work. We do things to try to control the A, it doesn't work. Eventually, we either get it or we don't. Just like the alcoholic.
Keep concentrating on your own recovery and remember that his recovery (or lack thereof) belongs to him and yours belongs to you.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Imit,
See, already you are in recovery, just by remembering everything you've read here and realizing that he WANTS to be able to control it but most likely can't. And you didn't "fall" for false hope, knowing what you now know. That is progress, sister. You didn't get YOUR hopes up. You let him talk, you are letting him figure this all out on his own, and he gets to "discover" for himself that he is an alcoholic and will always be. Kind eyes is so right, it is a process, and doesn't happen overnight. Keep trying to put all that focus on you, keep reading, and start "living" a little more each day, finding things that bring YOU joy and fun. I think you sound really good, all things considered, in this process.
See, already you are in recovery, just by remembering everything you've read here and realizing that he WANTS to be able to control it but most likely can't. And you didn't "fall" for false hope, knowing what you now know. That is progress, sister. You didn't get YOUR hopes up. You let him talk, you are letting him figure this all out on his own, and he gets to "discover" for himself that he is an alcoholic and will always be. Kind eyes is so right, it is a process, and doesn't happen overnight. Keep trying to put all that focus on you, keep reading, and start "living" a little more each day, finding things that bring YOU joy and fun. I think you sound really good, all things considered, in this process.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
As for myself I lived with my AH for over 20 years.
Things weren't always bad.
It became progressive as everyone said it would.
I thought things would be different every time he went to rehab.
You think I would have learned by the 3rd time he wasn't going to change.
No, my story was different I would change him,the kids would change him.
Until I finally stopped banging my head into the wall my life and my children's
life was horrible.
We have been free of him for over a year, we now have peace.
He lost everything,which he believed would never happen.
So my answer is NO I could not live with active alcoholism and be happy.
Nor could my kids,and really it is about them.
I could not subject them to the damage any longer.
God Bless.....
Things weren't always bad.
It became progressive as everyone said it would.
I thought things would be different every time he went to rehab.
You think I would have learned by the 3rd time he wasn't going to change.
No, my story was different I would change him,the kids would change him.
Until I finally stopped banging my head into the wall my life and my children's
life was horrible.
We have been free of him for over a year, we now have peace.
He lost everything,which he believed would never happen.
So my answer is NO I could not live with active alcoholism and be happy.
Nor could my kids,and really it is about them.
I could not subject them to the damage any longer.
God Bless.....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 167
Unfortunatly, I did stay and my kids lived thru it all. having a father who never was home, if he was he was passed out or talking stupid. Never coming to the important events in their lives because he was "working"......all the while I was trying every code thing I could to change him. My kids are grown and still suffer the consequences. If ( what a word..if) ,I knew what I know now, I would have taken them out of the crazy rollar coaster life that children suffer thru with a parent who is an addict.
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