respektingme

Ya know, it may never happen for me. As has happened to so many others, I anticipate that my family will swirl around in the toilet for several years before finally being flushed down the alcohol commode, through the divorce pipe and out into the field of complete destruction. But, just so that I can imagine what it could have been like to have the insanity stop, can some of you who have successfully entered the land of sobriety/recovery with your alcoholic spouses describe what that has been like?

ToughChoices

You sound like you're in a bad place - I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation, I think most of those who post here who have lived through addiction and divorce would certainly not describe their families as completely destroyed. In fact many of them are happier and better adjusted than they ever were when living with active addiction.

But, it looks really bleak right now, doesn't it?

I thought my marriage was over.
I thought my son would grow up pitying his very sad and ill father.
I thought my husband would never overcome his pride and seek recovery.

But I was wrong.

My little family doesn't have a lot of clean time yet (6 weeks), but recovery is living at our house now. It feels really good. I have a partner and a friend. Someone I can talk to - someone I can disagree with in a healthy way.

Who knows what will happen in the future, but I am better today. I will be even better tomorrow.

Recovery happens.
Take care of yourself.
-TC

cmc

My husband has been clean & sober throughout most of our 35 years together, but there have been a few very brief relapses off and on-mostly off. When our son's addiction became evident, my hubby attended a few Alanon meetings and alot of AA and NA meetings which seemed to be enough 'recovery' for him but it wasn't.

He had a few temporary sponsors too, but was not until his most recent slip that he became serious about not just staying sober, but finding recovery in AA. Things are better than I could have ever hoped for, working the steps with a good AA sponsor has revolutionized his outlook on life- he has experienced a psychic change.

My son has also found recovery. He has been clean for over two years and just last week married a wonderful young lady.

I have recently stepped up my involvement in Alanon because I find I need the ESH and support of others like myself. There is hope for everyone involved in this disease.

Astro

Will it, or will you change and focus on caring for yourself and your children? As much as I resent and despise the decisions my ex made, I have to respect her for doing what was necessary to preserve her life and protect our children.

I can't describe what it's like to enter recovery as a family unit because that didn't happen, but I can give you my perception of what life is like as separate families.

I went into recovery just over 3 years ago. The first 6 months were a lot of drama during which we were divorced and split up our family with joint custody of our children. Although I was in AA from day one, I was still going crazy from the stress and anxiety, it was rough going for a long time but I managed to function as a single father. My kids agreed to go to AA with me and still come along a couple times every week. Life for us now is nothing short of amazing. I have a beautiful GF who works her own recovery program, and I stay very active in AA and treasure the time I spend with my children, family, and friends in the program.

My ex moved the co-worker she had an affair with in one month after I moved out. They were married within the next year. Our kids respect all of us and no matter how much I'd like to judge and take inventories, they're happy in both households, they have two homes and two sets of adults who love them very much.

Sorry for rambling on about me, but the point I'm trying to make is that the insanity can end when someone chooses to put a stop to it. Life will go in in some capacity, hopefully it's a happy one. And as long as one of you is actively working a program of recovery, peace and serenity will exist as an example for your children.

Hope some of that made sense. I'm sorry if you're hurting.

Barbara52

That will happen only if that is what you allow to happen! You are in control of your life and can move NOW to a better life. Please do not wallow in negative thoughts. You can take charge and work toward your own recovery regardless of what your A does or does not do!

respektingme

Okay, to rephrase.... I am intelligent and have mustered the strength to weather other storms in my life, so I really don't doubt that I can and will fare through this one way or the other. I have had a plan actually for the past 8 years, once I realized his addiction was real. I went back to school and got my bachelor's degree specifically so I would be employable doing something I wanted to do when I went back to work. I plan to go back to work this fall. It's one more step in regaining my life, and building my confidence in the workplace and becoming independent again. We are going to counseling. I go and my AH comes with sometimes. Also, our son (11) is going and will need help because we're going to break the news to him soon that AH is an alcoholic.

I'm telling you, my AH has hid it well. His mother told me last week that she still doesn't believe he's really an alcoholic. But then she went on to say that "he's not the son I raised. I just don't even know him anymore." What a lie. He is exactly the son she raised. A shell of a human, with too much trauma in his head to live with. She's really a nutcase. She followed that rant with a speech about how Baptist churches are the only ones worthy. All other denominations have devils in the pulpit, using the bible to tell lies and are all cults??? Okay, can't believe I married a man who was raised by this lunatic. Honestly, she claimed to have a "mini-stroke" during her visit, yet refused to seek medical care. Ohhhh the drama. I went to T.J. Maxx.

Back to my situation at hand. I will leave when the time comes. My life isn't that horrible right now. The insanity is tolerable at this level, but I realize it will get worse. At the moment, if we split, I could pay cash for a pretty nice house, get a job and pocket the CS for a rainy day. THAT is what I've been waiting for. When we split, I do not want to be in a position of depending on the child support. Because I realize the day will come when he will either be dead or out of a job and the cs could end. And I've done a pretty decent job shoring myself up for that day.

I've even started looking at houses in another state where my family lives. I'm starting to picture our life with AH in it, and the view isn't too bad. But is it what I want? Absolutely not. I love my AH. And presently, I'm not ready to bail.

imit

i keep reading the sentence "my life isn't that horrible now"... that is the sentence i hear in my head alot.

that you for sharing what you think about. it is so good to know that although i am alone in this marriage, i am not alone in this world.

respektingme

Yikes, I really said that didn't I. My mother keeps bringing up how happy she was after she divorced my dad and I can have that too. But you know what? At 13, I was hampering her dating scene and she sent me to live with my dad. My dad completely sucked as a parent. They lived 3k miles apart. She said she thought he'd be a good parent. That's BS. She knew him too well, which is why she left him and moved us 3k miles away. When she got divorced, she found happiness, and ditched all attempts to be a good parent. We were in her way, period.

I may wind up single again. But I just don't picture myself jumping into the dating scene to jumpstart my happy train. If I'm single, it will be because my AH has picked the bottle over our family, and essentially erased himself from our lives. I won't have the luxury of sending the kids to see dad every other weekend.

LaTeeDa

The victim mentality is very insidious. I used to convince myself I was so strong and in control, but I totally saw myself as a victim. I recognize that thinking in this thread.

L

abcdefg

I'm not sure where you really are in all this but it does sound to me like you are working your way through it to some kind of solution.

It sounds like the pain you suffered in your own childhood due to divorce is both helping and hindering you in making decisions.

I think that's a pretty normal place to be.

You do sound like you have thought through so much of how to handle this for your own sake and the sake of your children. Bravo. Too many people don't do that.

I know for me, my intellect has been a useful tool at times. But at the heart of it, when it comes to alcoholism, intellect doesn't matter a bit. It doesn't mean there's no useful place for thinking! It's just that when it comes to my powerlessness and admitting it, that's an act of surrender and humbling myself that does not involve my brain or my management.

I don't know if you already attend Al-anon but, if not, there are some phenomenal meetings in your area.


abc
p.s. fwiw, the swirling the drain/commode comment made me laugh out loud!

GiveLove

There are plenty of people in this world who divorced themselves from a sad, angry, verbally abusive marriage with substance abusers and went on, with their children, to happy and fulfilled lives and relationships.

Even though your mother appears to have made her mistakes, maybe this is what she's trying to tell you.

Your mom made her choices. You'd make different ones.

respektingme

If my AH doesn't stop drinking, his disease will progress. In that event, things will get worse before they get better. Divorce, relocation and family breakup are tough on all involved. Never knew anyone who sailed through it. But if it happens, I will have a fresh start.