LucyA

I've started to put my foot down, make boundaries I suppose, around Joe. People don't like it much, but to be honest I'm really past caring about what other people like and don't like.

Joe has this couple who were friends of his mums, they're really nice people, the come to pick him up and take him out, they text him and generally keep in touch because they care about him. I think it's only right they should carry on doing this if it's what they all want and everyones happy.

Thing is, I'm not happy with the way they do it, they text Joe to make the arrangements, or they make the arrangements with him while they're out.
This would be fine if there weren't two other kids in the house, or I didn't do things with all three of the kids from time to time, or Joe didn't have grandparents and other family who want to see him, or even if I didn't work on a 7 day rota where I sometimes have to work weekends.

I've asked them repeatedly to make the arrangements with me instead of Joe, or at least to check that we don't have plans before they arrange stuff, and I've explained why I'd like them to do this, but yet again they've been texting Joe about picking him up on Saturday and him staying overnight.

I'm getting bloody sick of it, but I don't want to rock the boat too much because I do believe Joe gets a lot out of spending time with them, and I think he needs some kind of male role model in his life (rather than his Dad!)

Sorry for ranting, I just wanted to calm myself down before I speak to them and ask yet again for a little respect when they make their plans, and also that I can't give permission for Joe to spend the night with them anyway, so he will have to come here on Saturday night.

Bernadette

I'm getting bloody sick of it, but I don't want to rock the boat too much because I do believe Joe gets a lot out of spending time with them, and I think he needs some kind of male role model in his life (rather than his Dad!)

I think if they hear you say this (well maybe starting at ...I don't want to rock the boat....!!!) they should begin to understand. Have you asked them why they only like to txt Joe? Ask them if there is something you could do to make it less uncomfortable? awkward? inconvenient? whatever? to call you first.... It's got to to be pretty aggravating when you've asked for something so reasonable (he's a child after all!) and they continue to just ignore it....

Good luck Lucy!
Peace,
B.

Barbara52

Since you are basically acting as his parent, you have every right to set rules and expectations. I like what Bernadette said about emphasizing that Joe gets alot out of spending time with them and wanting that to continue. But they also need to respect you as the adult in control here.

LucyA

I've asked them more than once if there's a problem with ringing me first, or just mentioning their plans to me before they arrange them, they just say it's how they've always done things with Joe and his mum didn't mind.

When I explain that his mum only had one child to look after and didn't work it just doesn't seem to sink in to them. They don't have children so I suppose they don't realise how it is in reality trying to juggle being a single parent, work and also having a life.

sojourner

Lucy:

Sorry, i don't know the details here. How old is Joe? How old are these people? What do they do with Joe? Are you the biological mom? Where is Joe's dad?

LucyA

Joe's my nephew, he's 11 and living with me because his Dad (my brother) was neglecting him, his mum died almost a year ago.

These are friends of his mums, Joe's known them since he was a baby and they're important in his life, which is why I'm treading carefully, I don't want to spoil that at all. They do stuff like the cinema, bowling, parks, football and meals out.

sojourner

Well, you do have a dilemma. There has to be compromise. You have to maintain authority here, because, believe me, it will go downhill quickly as Joe gets further into his teens and thinks nothing of not telling you where he's at with friends whom he does not think you need to meet.

If Joe's friends are going to ignore your requests here, I strongly urge you to take Joe's cell phone thereby making it impossible to communicate with Joe apart from your knowledge. Tell Joe this. Explain to him very lovingly your side of it. Explain to the friends your side of it. When Joe and the friends are willing to include you in the whole thing, slowly re-introduce the cell phone back to Joe as he continues to go by your rules. BTW, have very specific rules here so everybody knows how to go about this. The friends, by no stretch of the imagination, should not have access to Joe apart from you, i don't care how "nice" they are. This situation as it is is teaching Joe how to fragment and be secretive. Not a good thing.

Does that make sense?

BTW, do you have any other concerns regarding this situation?

i4getsm

No, that would not be cool with me. He's 11. That is very young to be in charge of your own plans. He's not old enough to be responsible but the couple is. I would start calling them during the week to confirm if they are making plans with Joe BEFORE the weekend. Maybe if you start being proactive, then they will too. ?? That is incredibly weird that they would go to Joe directly. Kind of shows how dysfunctional things were before.

LucyA

I can't take his phone away from him, his Dad used to do that when Joe was phoning me or my mum and dad for help when his dad was hitting him, so he was cut off from us all. What I have done is asked Joe to let me know if these friends text or phone him with any plans just so we can make sure it's ok. Since I did that I at least know what their plans are before they turn up at the house for him.

sojourner

What does taking his phone away from him temporarily in this situation have to do with when he lived with his father? In other words, will taking that phone away from him today cause him to be beaten by his father again with no way to get ahold of you or your parents?

Lucy, you've had all of us post in agreement with your red flags, and we all seem to be on the same page that this has to be dealt with strongly on your part.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Remember, if the solution you choose now does not work, please feel free to come back here for advice. We're all on a journey and we all have tried different solutions.

LucyA

No, it wont cause any of that, but I know he terrified of not being able to get in touch with people if he needs to, so while I do appreciate everyones advice I won't take his phone away from him.
I'm also trusting him to tell me if and when his friends make plans with him, and this week (I only asked him to do it this weekend just gone) he's told me when they've texted him, so I guess thats progress.
I really wouldn't feel comfortable controlling him by taking his phone, when it's the adult friends of his who I have the problem with really.

sojourner

If you're going to be looking to Joe to be forthcoming about all the information you're asking for then try that. But have you considered getting him a cell phone with a GPS system in it that e-mails you about his location? I know that the Disney Corporation was advertising that here in the States, and I always thought that if i were to ever allow my kids to have a cell phone then it would be something where I could track them "out there." Yes, you could say, "but i don't have a problem with Joe, i have a problem with those friends." True, but you can't get a phone with a GPS and give it to the friends. Also, can you block the friend's phone number on Joe's phone thereby forcing them to call you in order to get ahold of Joe.

In other words, you have got to have a way to check up on this situation to make sure everyone is behaving.

Good luck. The reason i'm focusing on the phone is because that is the piece of equipment whereby this whole thing is able to continue to go on despite your valid objections. Controlling that phone is the key to your solution - that is, of course, if Joe turns out to be not very reliable in communicating everything with you.

i4getsm

I think this is an adult conversation with the other adults in the situation...not Joe. They need to contact you to make plans. It's making your life unmanageable. It is disrespectful of the adults to not include you in decisions about his life since he is living with YOU. They are ADULTS. We're not talking about his 10 year old buddies calling him. I would contact them directly and make it a request that they contact you first. Start being proactive as I mentioned before and call them ahead of time. Ask them what they would LIKE for their plans with Joe to be over the next month. Tell them you need to schedule your calendar because you want to plan some fun things with him but still make time for them. It's not an argument. Just being respectful of the people JOE is living with...YOU!

LucyA

I've tried asking them to run it by me first, but like I say, they don't seem to hear it. I get my new rota for the month this weekend so I decided what I'm going to try this time is ringing them with the days Joes available, when it suits us (and by us I mean Joe, my boys and me) If there aren't any days convenient for them then they'll have to change their plans to see Joe. They both work a straight 9 to 5 monday to friday week and dont have other children to plan around.

sojourner

I do agree with the post about this being between you adults and leaving Joe out of it as far as finding the solution. Being proactive by contacting the friends yourself and getting a schedule for their plans with Joe is the way to go. If they don't go along with that and/or still go behind your back to make plans with Joe, then get more proactive. Get as proactive as you have to.

Again, in the end you're going to do what you're going to do. But if your plans don't work and you're needing to get more feedback, come on back here where our ESH will hopefully give you different ways of handling this that you can wrap your arms around. You do seem hesitant to make a stand here as strong as we are suggesting.

hadenoughnow

Do they have children? If not they may be used to contacting Joe directly because of his Dad's problems and might not even realize they are stepping on your toes or interrupting your plans.

LucyA

I think this sort of sums up the problem better than I managed to. They don't have children, they've known my sister in laws family for years and years and Joe since he was born, but to me they're just aquaintances really.
Since his mum died Joe's dad more or less left Joe to just get on with whatever he wanted to as long as he was out of his dads way.
I think I'm sort of expected to just fit in, but I can't do it, not without disrupting the rest of us everytime they want to take Joe out.
I'm really happy they're in his life, and they are doing me a big favour when they take Joe for a few hours, but he isn't living with his Dad now, things are different.
I need to think before I talk to them about this, Joe has a good relationship with them and I don't want to spoil that at all, but I do need to be firm about whats acceptable and what isn't.

LaTeeDa

Sheesh, control much?

Um, we each have our own ideas and suggestions and I appreciate you not speaking for me. My suggestions wouldn't include taking away his cell phone or GPS tracking him. I would also exclude ideas about implanting a microchip in his skull, or using a leash.

Lucy, I agree that it is a sensitive situation and whatever you do, Joe's interests are paramount. I'm sure you will find a way to handle it sensitively and in a way that works for everyone involved.

L

sojourner

sorry, i did overstep my bounds on that one.

sojourner

peaceteach

Hi Lucy!

Just sending a big hug over the water to ya, girl A difficult, delicate situation, that's for sure. With consistent reminders and perhaps a "no can do today" here and there, they will eventually get used to the idea that Lucy is the "mom" now. I admire you for all you've done, and for waiting this out until you find the right words and the right way to handle adversity. Patience can be SUCH a virtue, you know?