butterfly5

Hi there....my AH told me Sunday night, as he was having another shot that he was "all done with this"...

Monday...does not drink, but is visibly uncomfortable, quiet and miserable.

Tuesday...does not drink, seems less moody, we have a nice night...and then WHAM....he states that he is "not trying to stop drinking, just control it"...to which I say "ok, it's you choice and decision to make.

Today...he tries to talk with me about how AA is a bunch of religious nuts, and it's a cult. He want to again try to "control" the level of drinking. My response was that it seemed that he was trying to convince me of something, and that really wasn't neccesary...that again, these are his choices. I told him that I am also doing alot of soul searching, around what has been the deterioration of our relationship.

Tonight, he cooks dinner, and as I walk past, I can smell the booze on his breath. I shut right down, couldn't eat, and tried to put on a brave face for the kids. He later asked why I did a "360" on him, and I told him that I set myself up for disappointment, and left it at that. He had nothing further to say.

How do you get to the point of being able to not be affected by the craziness of this disease??? He refuses to look at the possibilty that he is an alcoholic.

Thanks for any insight....

peaceteach

Welcome, butterfly. It's so hard, this up-down sadness that comes with living with an alcoholic. Truthfully, stop listening to him. He doesn't know how to cope with his disease either, and is in denial. He wants what a lot of alcoholics want, just to be able to drink like a "normal" person, but it's too late for that. Total abstinence sounds like a death sentence to him, just like you totally abstaining from your addiction (being so codependent with HIM) sounds impossible. When you continously allow your emotions to depend on someone else's actions, you will be continously disappointed. Detachment is a difficult thing to do. Stick around and read about it. It's for you, by the way, not HIM. He has to figure out that he can't drink anymore all on his own. Don't engage, don't expect, don't look for your peace and serenity in another person. You have the right to focus solely on you and your children, and step away from your addict and let him deal with himself. I loved the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I saw myself on almost every page. Have you read any alanon or codependency literature? It might help you to not feel so stricken every time he tries and fails. Glad you found SR, Butterfly. It's been a great support system for me and I think you might learn a lot here

cmc

Welcome to SR.

It really doesn't matter what he says or thinks about his problem, AA or using in moderation. What matters is what he does and how it affects you and your children. Once I saw how badly the craziness was affecting me, I made some changes in my behavior and also put some boundaries in place in order to keep my home and life peaceful and protect my health and finances.

These are just a few things that I have learned by attending Alanon, having a good therapist and by coming here to this site.

butterfly5

Thank you so much for the replies....I am going to Borders today to pick up my copy of "Codependent No More". My emotions are so back and forth. I felt so horrible last night for appearing critical of his drinking, more upset at myself for allowing it to get to me. I'm just taking baby steps in finding out how this all works, and exactly how to "detach".

I really appreciat the support!!! It's so nice to know you are all here....

Pajarito

Don't beat yourself up. It's normal to be disappointed. It's also very hard to do things differently from what you've been doing. Detaching is hard, but if you can start doing it- just baby steps, you will feel better. Going to al-anon helped me as well. I learned a lot from people going through the same issues. It's taken me a long time to focus on myself- and I still get caught up in my STBXAH- but I am learning. Co-Dependent No More is a great book. I read it 2x- and now am on to Beyond Co-Dependency. It's a process, so be patient with yourself. I'm glad you are here and hope you'll keep posting.

ToughChoices

Alcoholism in ourselves, our family members, or our friends has an uncanny knack for revealing our unhealthy emotional behaviors.
Everyone has unhealthy emotional behaviors - everyone has craziness.
I think a lot of people go through life with most of those behaviors unchecked, but successful recovery from codependency or addiction requires acknowledging and addressing the psychological baggage that we've been toting around for years.

Needless to say, an undertaking of this magnitude doesn't happen overnight.

I'm still learning everyday. It took me about 12 months of DAILY struggle; lots of reading, counseling, Al-Anon, and self-reflection before I could finally START to allow my husband to own his addiction and recovery and accept that he, and he alone, is responsible for managing his life.

I am the only one responsible for managing mine.

Alcohol is his coping mechanism of choice, but I have many unhealthy coping mechanisms, as well.
We are both trying to address our weaknesses - sometimes he doesn't agree with my methods, and sometimes I don't agree with his (especially in the beginning, when he was trying to "control" the drinking and wouldn't even consider AA).

All that to say, you're not going to stop being affected by the craziness right away, but it will happen if you decide you want to really work your own recovery. Give it time. Be patient with yourself.

Also, keep in mind that if he's unbearable - you don't have to bear it. Sometimes two people's recovery timelines don't line up, and I think that true serenity in the midst of daily living with active alcoholism can really only be achieved by a zen-master.

Keep posting; I'm glad you're here.
-TC

penneypoo

Hi Butterfly
Well, you sound like me about 5 years ago. I too would shut down when I realized he was drinking again, I couldn't handle it because I knew exactly how the day would end, like so many others. I became miserable. I would look for any indication that he had been drinking. I was so used to his routine that I always set myself up for dissapointment. My happiness (or lack of) revolved around his drinking. I was short tempered with my kids alot. I felt the need to protect them, hide the problem. It didn't work, they knew. He was in total denial. Somehow things got better, he hardly drinks now. I read a lot of books, that seemed to make me feel better, hope that helps you. There is not much you can do until he admits he has a problem.

butterfly5

Thank you Pennypoo! Your support and encouragement mean alot. I beleive he is really working at cutting down. But we are just not talking about it. I started reading "Codependent No More", and it's really an eye opener. I am understanding that MY happiness does not depend on anyone but ME. Just that realization has made my step a little bit lighter today!

I'm so glad to have found this forum.