tryingtofly

I'm 26 and have a male friend (I'll call him C) that I've been friends with since I was 13. My RAH met him about 5 years ago and they get along great and even go out together occassionaly. I vented to C before I left for a month long trip cause things between my RAH and I weren't going so great. He was absent from our marriage and wouldn't help out around the house etc. C's advice was to see if things changed and if they didn't to get a divorce cause I obviously wasn't happy.
While I was gone, C called RAH and started to give him tips about how to clean the house (bear in mind C still lives with his parents) and how important it is to keep the house clean and do more for me.
I can understand that to a point cause he's looking out for me...however the next part really bothers me.
C asked my RAH if he was going to drink while I was gone. RAH replied that he was still in AA and wouldn't be drinking as long as he was breathing. C pointed out that with me out of the country that I would never know if he drank and that he (C) would never tell me, and I wouldn't be there to nag him. And from what RAHgot out of it, C seemed to be encouraging him to drink.
C called me when I got home, but I didn't really talk to him cause I was really hurt by what he said. I think what makes it worse is that C's mom is an active alcoholic and he's been trying to get her to quit drinking for years. At one point she did stop for a couple of months and C was so happy. Why would he try to sabatoge a) my marriage? b) RAH's sobriety?
Should I say something to him? And if so....what?

LaTeeDa

Trying to figure out another person's motives will make you crazy. I wouldn't say anything to him. And by that I mean nothing. Find someone else to confide in from now on.

L

Barbara52

I don't know that I could use the word "friend" to describe someone who acted in this manner.

Kindeyes

hmmmmm.......sounds like a bit of triangulation going on there......and you're getting put in the middle. I was really really good at that but now I recognize when it's happening (and usually I was the one who allowed myself to be put there). Others often try to trap people in the whole triangle bit. I just don't go there anymore. Life is better that way.

tryingtofly

You're right that I shouldn't confide in him anymore, it just hurts me that he would do this to me. He was the one that I've always confided in, he was the one that could tell I sounded off years ago when I had attempted suicide and called my parents on their line to alert them knowing it was putting our friendship in jeopardy. It just makes it so hard

tryingtofly

I could tell that it pained my husband to tell me about this. He was mad and confused that C had said this to him, he even talked to my dad about it and my dad couldn't figure it out. He suggested that maybe it bothers him that RAH is doing well in recovery while C's mom is back to drinking. Who knows?! LOL I'm just having a hard time letting this go without asking him about it

i4getsm

I doubt you'll ever know the real reason even if you ask him directly. It's totally up to you if you want to go there with him...just be prepared to deal with the answer that he gives and know that it may not be the truth. As they say about friends, they are in your life for a reason. Maybe his purpose in your life was to save you from yourself a long time ago. Now that you aren't in that place anymore, maybe this friendship is done, kwim?

tryingtofly

You're right and I think that's the hard part - never truly knowing his motives behind what he said.
I know what you mean about perhaps that was why he came into my life, but the thought of giving up such a long friendship is hard.

PHIZ007

Sounds like you are already figuring out the best thing to do.....

Letting go of "friendships" can be hard....but sometimes they really have run their course...

I wish you the best of luck and totally understand your upset.

All the best Phiz

SailorKaren

It sounds like you are feeling a little betrayed by C. If so, I would sure honor that feeling and take good care of yourself around it. Perhaps a time will come later, when you would choose to talk to C about what happened, and how it made you and your husband feel. C may have no clue that you felt offended. Maybe he thought he was helping you by trying to give your husband a pep talk about staying clean. Maybe not. I would stay true to your feelings right now, and take care that you feel safe by not sharing any more. From your other post today, it sounds like a new energy is developing with your husband, and that is worth much more of your attention right now