imit

I don't know how to do this. I have been married for 18 years. Since we started dating i worried about his drinking. two years ago he admited ('cause i was told by someone else) that he spent every afternoon in a bar. I would ask if he had been drinking. he always said no. I said he was slurring he said he wasn't. i said he didn't look right... he said he was fine.

he recently lost his job. (alcohol related???? i'll never know) he hasn't even written his resume... but he leaves the house every afternoon for a few hours... I didn't say anything until day before yesterday. It seemed obvious that he had been drinking. He lied. He said he was shopping... for three hours at one store, but didn't buy anything. I confronted him... more denials more yelling (by me)

i told him that i'm sick of him making a fool of me. of lieing all the time. (I can't stand the lieing) I feel like i have swallowed as much as I can... Can't swallow anymore. I told him that if he didn't want to change.. he should leave. He told me he could stop going... he has said that a million times before.... Then nothing. he said nothing. the rest of the day ... nothing. He wants me to never say anything. to stay quiet and live the rest of my life that way... believing his lies and not trusting myself.

I'm so tired of not trusting myself. of not knowing whether or not i'm being reasonable I am so tired of being lied to ... every day. I'm tired of caring the family. I'm tired of being the bad guy in the house. I'm tired of feeling so alone.

how do i make this stop? i'm dieing and he doesn't even care.

bookwyrm

Not trusting myself, believing everything he says, staying quiet and at home all ring true for me - I know how you feel! if you haven't already, then please take time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. They're really eye opening and made me cry my eyes out! They also gave me a starting point to begin to focus on me rather than my AH.

You'll find out about the 3 C's: I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. Its really hard to accept this!!! But its the only way for me to stop being an enabler for my AH's drinking, giving him a much better chance of quitting. The people on this forum are great and will try and help! I recommend the book 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie. Others have recommended going to AlAnon where you can meet other people in similar situations for support and you won't feel quite so alone. Joining in on this forum will also help!

Hang in there - you've taken a big step in posting!

Barbara52

Welcome! You have found a wonderful place to get support and to help you figure out what you want to do. Keep reading and posting. Consider going to AlAnon.

NicTKD

Your AH will not accept he has done anything while he is drunk. Your only hope of reasoning with him is while he is sober. Even then the reality is that as soon as his switch (whatever that maybe) is switched, he will drink again and loose all reason and sense. Don't try and reason with him it will ony make you angry, frustrated and of no help to him or yourself. I understand totally your anger at the lies but this is not personal to you, he can't help himself, he is an addict. You must decide whether you can live with it or not. Your in control of that!! If you decide to help, this forum and Alanon are a great support. If not, nobody will blame you, you have a life too.

Nic

Bernadette

Hi imit--
(((hugs)))
When we get sick and tired of being sick and tired it's time for a change.
Keep reading and posting - you're not alone and you will find inspiration and ideas from many people who have stood in your shoes and been able to take steps toward recovering their own lost selves!
Peace,
B.

Angelus

Welcome Imit..I'm so sorry for your pain. It is definitely time for a change and I know that's frightening, but stay here in recovery with us and you'll come out the other side stronger and happier

Denoraphy

imit,
You sound like me, I hate confrontation. I will eat crow and stay silent to avoid it. But watch out when I've had enough crow!! Heads will fly.

It was Easter of 2007 and all I wanted was to have a nice peaceful day with the family. Well, I won't get into all of the details of the day, but I got accused of something that was not true and I retaliated quite vocally. Later as I was rehashing the events with my 14 year old, she asked why I had gotten so upset if it wasn't true.

This kind of set me back a bit and made me think. Are my actions just as bad as his accusations? Or worse, even? How can this young teen see so clearly? She was so right!

That was when I sought out help and found alanon. I still have a long road to travel here, but I have learned so much. I am a lot calmer than I was a year ago, and happy about.

Janitw

Hello and welcome to SR. Pull up a chair and get to know all of us here. We have all been where you are. He is only doing what addicts do best and thats play us codies (co-dependents). They manipulate, lie, cheat and some alot more and alot worse. YOU have to decide if you can stay in this relationship and maybe go down with the ship or save yourself and seek recovery for YOURSELF. Because when push comes to shove all you can do is make choices for yourself not him or anyone else hun. We can not live their lives for them.......all we can do is live ours.

Janitw

imit

thank you for your posts. i am happy that i have found this site. it is both comforting and sad as i find little pieces of me in the posts that i read... i'll keep reading... i'll find a meeting. and i'll pray that we will all find peace...

imit

My anniversary is tomorrow... and i wish the day would just disappear. My husband has been in counseling for about a month... tho i don't see much of a benefit. He doesn't want to quit drinking.... so he won't. He drinks more outside these days... he probably figures what I can't see... (yeah yeah yeah... i know)

I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut... staying disconnected from his choices. I want so much to scream... so much to tell him how text book we have both become and how incredibly tired i am of carrying the burden of everything. (he has been out of work now for 6 weeks... he hasn't even written his resume... we have a huge house renovation project going on...and two kids)

my heart hurts... and I can't make it stop.

Janitw

Just breathe hun.....and take things a day at a time. The rest of the story as it unfolds. We know how you feel and it is sooo hard to stop our normal behavior and stand silent. But for right now that is the best thing you can do. However he does need to find work. I don't know where you are from but here in Ohio the job market is not great......what I mean is he needs to get out there and look for work not just for his family but for himself because we all need structure in our lives and a job is part of that mental thing that keeps us balanced. And maybe with a new job he won't be tempted to drink the way he did before as far as his routine and all. Take care.

Lilyflower

I'm not sure exactly what you are keeping your mouth shut about? I just wanted to say that disconnecting, doesn't mean letting all that upsets you pass by without comment. As an equal member in this partnership, you have the right to say what behaviour you will and will not accept. Setting up boundaries within your self about what is acceptable and what is not to you, will help. Each boundary needs some consequences, that when broken means you will have a path of action to follow. This will help you feel that you are doing something about your hurt, instead of letting it grow.

There should be a sticky about creating boundaries at the top of the forum, I think under classic reading. It will take a little while for him to adjust, but if you stay firm with your consequences of his overstepping your boundaries, he will soon learn. If he doesn't - well that needs a consequence of its own.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rella927

Just wanted to say Welcome imit!

Sorry that you are going through this! I love what Deno said
When I went to Al-Anon I learned how to speak in a different way without throwing out things that would create more issues not only for the A's in my life but for me!

The most important thing here is you! Remember that-we all have choices and we all
have and will suffer consequences for our own poor choices/behavior! I have plenty of times in my past and still do today.....although today it is a lot less!

Keep posting and know you are not alone in this-There is a wealth of information on these boards and outside. Hang in there

Chrysalis123

Welcome Imit!

Did I get up in the middle of the night and write your post???? I could have because the details are the same, even the 18 year marriage and the 2 kids. I am sorry you are suffering. :ghug

By posting here you have taken a huge step. You are no longer alone. And you are not crazy either. I had been lied to so long that my interal BS meter was not working well...well I guess it was working but I refused to trust my gut. I now know that if my XAH's lips are moving there is a strong probability he is lying. Around here people call it "quacking" and I find that funny.:chatter

You know what I found out about myself? I am a strong woman. I suspect from your post that you are too. Take an inventory of yourself and remember all you have done that shows strength. That strength is going to see you through this.

Please keep posting because we all care and most of us have been right where you are now.

respektingme

I can very much relate to you. My AH is very successful professionally. He has always seemed so concerned about how he appears to others and what others think of him. He is committed to going to church every single Sunday morning. He believes he has a higher moral code. So when I would ask about his drinking, the lies seemed believable. In fact, I was questioning myself more than I was questioning him. Was nuts!

When I finally stopped questioning myself, what a relief that was. I started trusting my instincts. Now, I don't ask if he's drinking, I know. I don't live in obscurity, wondering if my mind was playing tricks with me.

It's a twisted disease for sure. My AH is so judgmental of others when he's not drinking. To date, I don't know what's worse, when he's active or when he's not drinking but being a "dry drunk". Either way, his words bounce off of me. The biggest problem I have is not being able to leave my kids alone with him. That part stinks. Otherwise, I have backed myself out of his twisted thinking. I truly believe his emotional wellbeing is so battered that he can't deal. He puts on this front and most people believe it. But I think his brain is just scrambled when it comes to his emotions and he's not equipped to figure out what is wrong, or interested in getting counseling to work it out. All in all, I think much of his problems (which often come out as completely self-righteous) are based in self-loathing.

Start trusting your gut. My AH told me once I started catching on, that I was right about his drinking about 98% of the time. And so are you.

imit

last night i told him that i knew about the cooler full of beer in the backyard... and that i knew he was drinking even if he wasn't drinking in front of me or in the house. I asked him not to drink in front of the kids and their friends.

It felt SOOOOOO good to say... I've been trying to keep that part down... to not say anything... It wasn't working. Just telling him was very helpful. letting him know that I knew what he was doing was a great release for me. I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders.

It's not going to change the fact that he drinks... or how much he drinks... but at least I won't feel like such a dupe.....

He's counseling isn't doing any good.... and he hasn't started to look for work. He tells me he is going to switch to a different therapist.... hasn't happened.... nothing has changed... but maybe me... a little.

juju

I’m learning that there’s a difference between keeping quiet and enforcing my boundaries. I’m not going to “tsk tsk” my ah anymore, but I *will* enforce my boundaries. And you’re right, it is very liberating!!! Good for you and keep working on you!

juju

Learning how

imit, hang in there. I saw a lot of my story in yours. My husband hasn't had a drink in 4 years but alot of the behaviors haven't changed. I still have a hard time knowing what is real. After 25 years of hearing words that say one thing and actions that say another followed by being told I am over reacting I have become easily confused. Funny that at work or in situations not related to my spouse I do just fine.
Its hard to know what to do regarding the kids. I tried to keep them safe, and at one time told myself I was staying because I didn't want them to have to go between two households. Didn't want them at his place with out me being there to "protect them" I will always always remember the day my then 11 year old came to me to say he didn't want to ride home with dad after work any more because he had my then 7 year old steering the pickup so he could open his beer as they drove down the freeway. So much for protecting the boys. They are old now (21,17) so that issue has passed.

Most of what is happening is out of your control. The trick is working on the things that are in your control and trusting your gut.
I'm still working on it too.
Take care.

imit

isn't it amazing how someone else's bad behavior can make you feel like you are losing your mind.

I think that is the thing i'm most upset about.... and its the hardest thing to deal with... because it is in my control. I looked at the cooler this morning... i counted beers and I got mad. Mad becuase i did it... mad because of how much beer WASN'T in there... mad because I feel like he is getting free ride. Mad becuase i have an lousey, long day of work BS ahead of me ... and he has no job and will really do nothing but waste the day away with this and that... So mad that all I can do is cry.


Fun roller coaster... empowered one day... puddle the next.... one day at a time....

bookwyrm

Unfortunately, I know that rollercoaster all too well! :ghug3