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Ready to leave and need advice

Old 07-05-2003, 10:43 PM
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Ready to leave and need advice

I have had enough and have given up all hope. My husband has been an active A for years. His last bout was the worse I've ever seen him. He really went over the edge so I put him on a plane and sent him to a rehab center across the country. I figured he wouldn't have a chance to bolt if he was thousands of miles from home. At that time he was both drinking and addicted to Valium. The facility was aware of that but they didn't give him any medication when he arrived and he had severe seizures. Because of that, I don't think he gave that program a chance. My insurance didn't cover the cost of the program which was $8,000 and I was also stuck paying the emergency room costs for the seizures which amounted to $3,000. Nonetheless, this is not about the money.

Here it is six months later and I found out today that he is drinking again. I'm absolutely livid!! I have lived with this for 25 years and I am finally ready for a divorce because I can't continue to live this way and don't want my son to live with an alcoholic father. Apparently this man will never quit drinking. He knew what the consequences would be if he drank again and he chose to pick up the bottle.

I have asked him to leave but he refuses to do so. I work and make great money so I could easily support myself. My problem is that I would leave him but it's impossible to do so. I work at home full time. I have four phone lines coming into the house, my computer, my fax machine, my copier, all my files, a huge desk, etc. It's really is not feasible for me to get out. I can't live with him any more but because I support him (he doesn't work), he's not going anywhere. I have contacted the police department and I was told that I can't force him to leave because his name is on the house.

I could really use some help with this situation. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 07-05-2003, 11:17 PM
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You need legal advice on this one. Get a lawyer so you can protect your business and protect yourself financially. You might not be able to get him out without this kind of help. I don't know about this first hand but have a friend that put off getting legal help and lost out big time. Good luck and don't feel bad about protecting yourself. He is drinking and unemployed because of his choices and if he's already done rehab it's not like he isn't aware of that.
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Old 07-06-2003, 07:25 AM
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I agree. You need legal counsel. I recently went through a similar situation. It was very time consuming, but I was able to make him leave.
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Old 07-06-2003, 08:26 AM
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My Mom had something similar and it can be done.....legal advice is a great idea and they can steer you in the right direction.

Constant
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Old 07-06-2003, 11:25 AM
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Yes I agree get legal advice. He's not going to leave unless you force him out. There has to be a way.

Ngaire
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Old 07-06-2003, 11:33 AM
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i got mine to leave peacefully

It seemed like he had dug his heels in, and that I'd have to do something absurd like change the locks to get him out........

but, when I made up my mind that I was serious, my tone changed and he sensed it. I stopped screaming, being emotional. Started letting my actions speak for me. He responded better to that.

I contacted a lawyer and got a professional appraisal on the house. I suspect that was our turning point -- my A saw this guy walking through our house calcualting how much it was worth. That was a whole different thing than just the two of us bickering with each other..

My A, at first, said he'd never leave. Then, the story became, that he'd never leave without compensation.

After I got the results of the appraisal, I offered him a monetary settlement for the value of the house. (Bribe) I said that he should be able to find someplace suitable to him for that amount.

AMAZING how his tune changed. When he saw that I was serious about giving him the money, he got into action. I never saw anybody pack boxes so fast.

I learned another hard lesson about dealing with alcoholics: They are the most self-serving people on earth. They will do things only when there's something in it for them.

If you want to separate from him, and you want to remain where you're living, you have to figure out what would motivate him to leave.

Maybe money, maybe he'd prefer to live with some relative who doesn't complain about his drinking, maybe he'd like to move in with one of his drinking buddies........

Talking to him about what you want/need is a waste of time. You need to make him think that HE'S better off leaving you with the house.
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Old 07-06-2003, 11:41 AM
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Maybe offer to buy him out if his name is on the deed.

He is self serving so as long as there is sometrhing in it for him he'll go along with it.

Ngaire
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Old 07-06-2003, 04:32 PM
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My A has never worked. Everything we own, I paid for. My first house was in my name only because I bought it before we married but this house is in both names only because we were married at the time of purchase. He never contributed a dime to it. I could care a less about selling the house and starting over. I can easily do it. I just don't think it's fair to my son to take him away from everything he loves like friends and school. I have offered my A money many times. I told him I would give him monetary support and wouldn't go after him for child support (he couldn't pay anyway). I just want him to leave because it's the best thing to do for our son. I realize now that I have made things too easy for my husband and I lost any control I had in this relationship years ago when I let him continually walk all over me. He's living the good life and doesn't want to give that up. We live in a nice house in a nice area, he drives a brand new car, we travel, I clean, cook and take care of our son. My A has absolutely no responsibility. I do everything. I am my A's doormat and I've come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, he's not going anywhere. My mother-in-law is no help. She says that she will take my him in but makes me feel guilty for wanting to get out. His brothers don't want to take him either. I know this is something I have to do. I told my A when he came home from rehab that if he ever drank again our marriage would be over. I know now that I have to be willing to back up my words with actions. Maybe a part of me still hopes that he if I leave he will realize this is a serious situation and he has to quit drinking or face the reality of losing his family. I guess in my heart, I am hoping this forces him to make some choices. Even if he doesn't choose us, at least we will be free.
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Old 07-07-2003, 02:09 PM
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Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is let them fall.

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Old 07-07-2003, 04:05 PM
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Marrie...

I agree, you need legal advice from a laywer. That is where I would start first.

May God be with you in your journey!


Love
Stefanie
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