on the Pity Pot
 

Hi guys!

I haven't posted in awhile as I have been settling into my new home. (I moved back to where I grew up after 21 yrs away). I am dating a man- someone I have known my whole life - who has 21 yrs clean and sober.... but just because he's clean and sober doesn't mean he's got it all together.

May I whine and complain for a moment?

He has been working a program for so long, I'm not sure there is room for me in it! It seems like every time I turn around he is telling me how something is NOT ok and it is bumping up on one of his boundaries. For example: he doesn't like it when people talk in a movie. At all - from when we get there and the music is on BEFORE the previews until we are walking out. (me? I like to see what the other person thinks about silly previews etc. I talk in a low voice, dont' disturb anyone else around me)

He also doesn't like it when people talk about what they read when they are reading the paper. My last bf and I used to read the paper to each other, interact, etc. and it made us laugh and got us to talking about current events, etc.

He is a fabulous cook but doesn't want anyone else in the kitchen or near by when he is cooking. I enjoy cooking together as a couple, in fact I think it can be a really fun and intimate evening if you spend time planning and preparing a meal together.

I cooked a really big, nice lunch for him and his daughter and his friend one day. I went back to my office and asked if he could do the dishes. He informed me he doesnt DO dishes. Me- I work 40 hrs a week too. and it is MY opinion that if one person cooks,the other person can clean or at least help with the cleaning.

He's a smoker and I'm not, yet we always sit in the smoking section when we go out. He smokes in my car, and for now doesn't smoke in my house, though I imagine that's coming.

I need affection in my relationships, a hug or kiss or hand holding that says you're special and I care about you, and I am glad to be in this relationship. When I told him that's what I want and need, he said I am an attention junkie and he ins't going to feed that.

YET when I ask if he still cares about me, he tells me of course I should know that, and he is growing tired of my insecurity.

I am feeling worn out, overwhelmed, and MAD right now. I feel like I am the only giving and compromising in this relationship, and I wonder if I am not seeing things clearly.

Any words of wisdom from my friends in the forum????

Hugs
O59

Hey Osier, welcome back!

Sounds like you have been busy!

Can I ask how long you've been dating him and what exactly your feelings are towards him? He sounds a bit rigid to me. I always thought a good relationship was give and take with a little compromise thrown in for good measure but by both parties not just one.

I really don't have any words of wisdom for you but if you aren't that involved with him yet, play the field, have some fun.

I hope things work out for the best if you care for him alot. Just thought I'd give you my 2 cents :)

Take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie

And please feel free to whine and complain any time, I do quite often!! :D

He doesn't do dishes? So... at his house... they eat on paper plates and only microwave food that comes in throwaway containers, right? Pllleeeease.

Rigid. Barbiedeb is so diplomatic. ;) But this is like any other difficult behavior... you can't change it... so you just have to decide how much is worth compromising. Me, I would have clonged him with the skillet he didn't wash.

Hugs,
Smoke

Smoke, you made me laugh out loud. Believe me, I have considered clobbering him with the skillet. Barbiedeb, I love this man very much, but I am carefully considering whether or not this relationship can survive as a romantic one, or if we shoudl just remain good friends. He prides himself in being a good communicator, so I am preparing my words for what I have to say to him. I don't think it's a lost cause, but I do believe there is compromising to be done by someone else BESIDES ME.

Thanks. It's good to know I'm not crazy. or at least not totally.

(((osier)))
good to hear from you, you sure have been busy.
He may be a good guy but he needs to come here
when we are all in a goofy mood and get some comic
relief !
yep, he sounds frigid, oops.. i meant rigid to me.

Hugs
liddy

Sounds like the guy who I am "seeing" - not dating - no romantic relationship, etc., etc. but he says he "Loves Me"! I do think he does and I care deeply for him. However, he says he has another woman who will be his serious, romantic partner (meaning, NOT me). And, so I'm DETACHING little by little and planning to find someone else or even just continue to enjoy my own company without falling under the FEAR of being alone. I'm glad he has someone else in mind. Whew! Hooray!

Osier, Wow the big move....new boy friend.....welcome back!

I have to say Smoke said it well. My opinion after reading your post was he sounded like he is all about HIM.....not considering you......I mean SMOKING in YOUR car!!! I would say evaluate your feelings carefully because although he may be someone you care a great deal about......he really doesn't sound like your type. I would have trouble with the no talking in the movie and not sharing what you are reading.....after all I thought that was why we had a SO.....to SHARE with.

I hope I didn't seem too harsh. I just thought I would share how it looked to me.......not the voice of wisdom......just what I see.

Constant

Being the queen of people pleasing (could someone pass the tiara, please)

It has always been my pattern to adjust my personality to please the man I was with. I was like a chameleon, constantly changing and adapting so as not to rock the boat. This time is different - I have recovery, my al anon tools and support, and a self confidence that I never had before. I am hoping that he and I can talk thru this, though I seem to get all tongue tied when I try to bring it up - this whole compromise thing is new to me. I keep thinking (hoping? praying?) that since he has a program too that we will be able to set comfortable boundaries that work for both of us.

Guess I'll let you know how it works out. Love you guys!

O59

My RAF and I are seeing a fellow who teaches us how to communicate. It's very interesting to say "I feel (put in the exact feeling) when you tell me (whatever he imposes). I feel that you do no respect me or my car when you smoke. This is MY car and I do not want you to smoke in MY car. Say it even if you quiver and quake inside... and say you feel scared to say it. Go with your feelings...he needs to know you are a complete and separate individual FROM and APART from him.

Establish your boundaries. Draw the line. Are you feeling emotionally abused? Are you feeling controlled? I like the book by Patricia Evans - "Controlling People". She points out how these types actually grow a "tentacle" and absorb us into themselves and create us into "part of them". It is a SHOCK to them if you break the spell. She has several words that will SHOCK them into reality - the reality that you are a separate person.

When they are telling you what they want you to do...say
WHAT?

I'll get the book out again and find the other phrases.

Good luck. Thinking of you and thinking of me, too!

I don't know from what you wrote about what he's like he's giving you some pretty clear clues about himself. You said you feel like you are the only one giving and compromising well.........your feeling is right from what you wrote you are.

I say just let him go.

Ngaire

Osier

My suggestion would be to give this relationship a little more space. If it's meant to be it will be, but if it isn't then you have breathing room.

Maybe go to the movies with someone who shares your enthusiasm, and don't cook for anyone who refuses to help clean up.

Osier, I guess I am tippy-toeing on egg shells here , too, but the way I see this man is someone who is totally into himself and not someone you can just relax and have fun with...don't talk in movies or when you are reading paper, you express your needs and he calls that insecure? Nope - he's too selfish.

You just deserve soooo much better. You are a QUEEN and anyone who treats you as less than that should be exiled to the nearest duckpond. And you can tell him I said so.:king:

Sending hugs and the tiara of adoration that you deserve to wear.

Osier,
I must agree with everyone on the board that he sounds way too selfish! If he is setting his boundaries than you need to let him know a few of your own. If he's willing to work with you than thats a step, but if he treats them like they mean nothing than you need to move on. There are plenty of fish in sea. Throw this one back in the water soon if he doesn't treat your feelings with the respect you deserve. Good luck hon, you are in my prayers
Lots of Hugs Your Way
maryl;) ;)

Osier,

You are seeing things very clearly!

Overwelmed and mad? That is your own codependency rearing it's pointy head. I call it "trapped" and when I have that feeling something has to be acted on.

Trust your feelings and your intuitions. It is unlkely he will bend but what is the harm in hearing it directly from him? You will have your answer.

Hugs,
JT

Hey--
Sounds like you are in the middle of a mess right now. Well done on putting up with so much, the first light up in my car would have been the end. (of course my car is my baby)
If I were you I would start moving things to arm's length and then further. It seems that you could really use someone who will treasure all of your beautiful qualities. I would try setting up some of your own rules to match his, if he respects these then maybe there is something there, if not-well there is a guy out there who will.
Love you bunches-prayers.
--Ångel