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His Mess....My Clean Up.

Old 06-01-2008, 02:58 PM
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His Mess....My Clean Up.

What can I say...

You know, when I started reading post here, I didn't know what to think, or what to believe, because I saw so much anger. I couldn't identify personally with the levels of anger, because I didn't feel it. I didn't know if that's how I was suppossed to feel.

But here I am, very angry. It's hitting me today hard. It's occurred to me, the level of childish cowardise, the manipulating, the insecure projecting, and the UTTER LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY from my now ex.

You know with addicts, they really are like children. They make messes for everyone else to clean up, and they don't care that they've made a mess. And god forbid that addict is a long-term addict, that has been in a program before, because they know all the catch-phrases to make it right with them:

"It's a relaspe...I'm sick, I'm not a bad person"

"Your anger and depression is depressing me"

"We don't need to meet or talk. We should go our own separate ways, and just focus on our lives" (when requested to meet face to face, so that I could have the dignity of having proper closure).

"I feel used" (when I asked my boyfriend at that moment for a small loan that he promised, then "reniged" on, and then got offended at my disapointment).

I could go on and on now, and the messed up thing is that he'll get counseling, another 12 step program, and they'll coddle and baby him back to heath, and I'll be the one that should have known better, and have to "just suck it up, deal with it," and heal my heart.

Luckily, it ended before he broke my spirit, or anything in my life. It was way too toxic way too soon for him to get that far. But then again, I've already been through way too much to let him do that to me.

On top of this, I have to deal with our mutual therapist (although he has a new one now) that didn't handle our situation well, and I have to tell them this, knowing that the therapist has some "strong challenges" in their personalilty, and will in some way rub my nose in getting involved with this
f-tard in the first place.

So, I get the broken heart, and the humiliation, and he gets the coddling, the love, the "stay away from her so that you can focus on your sobriety", the implication that it's MY FAULT he's feeling bad about himself.

I feel like screaming at him, the therapist, myself for believing in him and his lies that he was in recovery, not in active addiction,

URRRRRRRRRGGGGH :

BTW for the readers: I'm not an addict, I'm seeing therapist for depression, and to gain healthy life skills, as is he, though I don't know why he's wasting his time showing up.
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:04 PM
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Your words today are my exact thoughts right about now about my xabf as well! Thanks for putting them into words so that those of us who have been there know we're not crazy and not alone!
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:12 PM
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Oh WOW, thank YOU! I'm new here, and it's good to know I'm not the crazy one, lol.:rof

I'm waiting for seasoned responses, but here's to both of us gaining comfort and sanity

:ghug
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Old 06-01-2008, 03:45 PM
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get it out need2!!!!

it's so good to puke it out. really. i don't believe in endless venting (like complaining about the same stuff for years and years without doing the work). but i am a BIG believer in letting out stuff like this.

i'm so glad you posted. i'm so grateful i'm not feeling this kind of anger today. but i have. i do. and i will again. it's natural.

abc

p.s. i think you need a new shrink!?!
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:52 PM
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Good. You just threw up the toxic anger. That's a good start!

Now......what are you going to do for YOU today? Your post is full of "him". It's time to start concentrating on YOU! If one therapist doesn't work out, find a different one. That way you can start out fresh without the "ghost" of the ex interferring with your recovery.

All of the emotions you are feeling are important but it is also important to move through them. It's a process.

gentle hugs
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:54 PM
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You know, the shrink issue...so scary but from the little bit I've asked of people, the advise has been "time for a new shrink".

When I took notes for myself on the issues to address, it became crystal clear that I need a new shrink, because the issues are beyond repair. It goes beyond "therapist" violation of boundaries with "him", but things that I didn't take a stand on.

I just read the thread about boundaries, what is healthy and not, and being an ACOA, and being in other abusive cultures, I see too clearly where I've not stood up for myself, and my power. I've disassociated, ran away, thought if I shrink, people will love me more, if I ignore it, it will go away.

No!

That's just more mess other's have made, that I get to clean up. It's been reaffirmed to me today, that I do have a right to be angry, to be hurt, to be heard and justified.

He's gone, but as for as the therapist, I am afraid of being manipulated into looking selfish, or ungrateful for the good "therapist" has done. I know I have to see "therapist" at times, because she works with the hospital that I go to, and I need this hospital, and its programs. However, I would be abusing my self NOT to speak up to "therapist", or to the program director about "his" manipulations.
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Old 06-01-2008, 05:14 PM
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Smile Relationships with ex-alcoholic...

I am the ex-alcoholic in my family. My husband drank too, but could take it or leave it....I couldn't quit taking it.

The post talking about the alcoholic being coddled and given all of the attention did happen to me and because I was so "insane" at the time I let them talk me into getting a divorce. It seemed right at the time but it wasn't long before I knew I had made a big mistake.

He remarried & I remarried....he had three of the children...two from his first marriage and our daughter from our marriage...I had our son who was six at the time.

I married a mean drinker and abuser and eventually divorced him...my first husband had already been divorced. By this time all of the kids but my youngest daughter were out on their own. I moved back to where my kids were and also my first husband.

I got a job and stayed with him until my drinking was so out of control he asked me to leave...eventually we saw each other on the weekends again but I still drank.

It took four years of drinking every day mostly by myself at home before I went to ask for help. I quit drinking and got help again for my chemical im-balance depression. That was in 1988. I spent the first year of sobriety working on my depression with a counselor and going to AA/\.

The second year of sobriety I went back to college full time to get a BA Degree in Psychology, worked part time, attended counseling and AA meetings at least three times a week.

I had no one telling me what I should or shouldn't do...I got positive feedback for what I was accomplishing with my life though.

I got a very good job and had to move out of low income housing so my first husband told me he had quit drinking period and wanted my daughter and me to move back in with him. I was so afraid to do this but thought I could always move back out if it doesn't work.

Well, it worked and now we have been married again for six years. We waited until we retired...he retired before I did and we got married at the court house by a judge with our best friends with us.

So relationships can be fixed if both parties want to fix themselves. I couldn't do it for him nor could he do it for me....he was my biggest support when I quit drinking....I had been sober 13 years when we got married.

We always knew we were meant for each other but we had so many catastrophic events in our life that were very hard for us to resolve... except with time and work on each of our parts to accept the pain and suffering in our own ways.

Sorry this is so long but the words just kept coming...I don't know how to explain it but when I hadn't talked with or seen my ex for a couple months & then walked into him down town it was such a shock to me how much I missed him and all he stood for in my life. It just felt like a bolt of lightening had hit me...but I didn't say anything about it to him then...but later we met at the city park on a work day to talk and we did more thinking and talking before we decided to be together again.

kelsh
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Old 06-01-2008, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
I feel like screaming at him, the therapist, myself for believing in him and his lies that he was in recovery, not in active addiction,

URRRRRRRRRGGGGH :

BTW for the readers: I'm not an addict, I'm seeing therapist for depression, and to gain healthy life skills, as is he, though I don't know why he's wasting his time showing up.
In her book "Getting Them Sober" Volume 4-Separation Decisions Toby Rice Drews makes the observation that many therapists come from dysfunctional backgrounds and their advice for families of alcoholics/addicts can be very suspect. Since the book addresses your particular situation you might want to obtain a copy, unfortunately you might have to order it online, wasn't able to find a bookstore that stocked it.
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:01 PM
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Thanks for your testimony. It took courage for you to post under my rant, because really, I'm trying to "get" why addicts get the coddling.

You mentioned that you got that, because you were insane in your addiction. I get that addicts need people to save their lives. But what I don't get is the appearent "pats on the head, "your fine, you're just sick" thing. They aren't fine, and it's not fine. How addicts treat others, and the hurt they cause isn't fine. It isn't fine when non-addicts have to deal with the pain and hurt, and addicts think that they should be immune to any type of suffering, or accountabililty.

Please understand, I'm not ranting on you personally. I just be real about my feelings, and I need real clarity. I don't want to be that embittered, angry person that can't get over this. Bitterness takes too much energy, but on the other hand, I don't want to dishonor myself by denying my pain and anger. So if you still are feeling courageous, or other readers, please help me understand.

Also, I think it's sweet that you and hubby#1 are back together. You guys had to take the long way, like that Shania song "Still The One". How dear!
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
In her book "Getting Them Sober" Volume 4-Separation Decisions Toby Rice Drews makes the observation that many therapists come from dysfunctional backgrounds and their advice for families of alcoholics/addicts can be very suspect. Since the book addresses your particular situation you might want to obtain a copy, unfortunately you might have to order it online, wasn't able to find a bookstore that stocked it.
Bless you, and you know, I've often thought to myself that very thing; although psycho-therapy is a very good thing, you REALLY have to wonder about the personalities that practice it.

I mean, who would REALLY want to deal with the emotionally, or mentally challenged, except if the therapist was either working out their own demons, or they were extremely manipulative personalities, or a combo of both.

I've learned through this very painful lesson, that I've got to calibrate my boundaries, even with therapist. They aren't my friends, they are human beings, STRANGERS that are simply educated to help me help myself. I've got to watch what I reveal, and not put them on a pedestal, just because they have "50 letters behind their name" (LOL). They, like any other human being, have to earn my trust.
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by needtolearn View Post
as for as the therapist, I am afraid of being manipulated into looking selfish, or ungrateful for the good "therapist" has done. I know I have to see "therapist" at times, because she works with the hospital that I go to, and I need this hospital, and its programs. However, I would be abusing my self NOT to speak up to "therapist", or to the program director about "his" manipulations.
Any good therapist will not take it personally if you change therapists. It happens all the time for a whole lot of reasons. If you want/need to stay seeing a therapist thru the same location, that can be done without problems too.
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Old 06-01-2008, 06:33 PM
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That's just more mess other's have made, that I get to clean up.
I don't have to clean up anybody's messes except my own. If you haven't tried Alanon yet, now might be a good time. It helped me learn that I choose who I associate with. I choose what I will and won't put up with. And I choose what path my life takes.

My life is a reflection of the choices I make. When things in my life go awry, the solution is to make new, healthier choices. When my choices lead me to this forum, Alanon is the answer.
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Old 06-01-2008, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Now......what are you going to do for YOU today? Your post is full of "him". It's time to start concentrating on YOU! If one therapist doesn't work out, find a different one. That way you can start out fresh without the "ghost" of the ex interferring with your recovery.
This is exactly what I was thinking.

Anger can be good sometimes, especially if it is proactive anger.

Keep talking, keep posting.
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