then he goes and acts like this...
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
then he goes and acts like this...
see, this is always how it is.
Its been a week exactly since "the phone call" (a week, 1 hour and 8 mins but who's being obsessive? i'm kidding.....) that started all of the recent chaos and heartache.
Just as I start settling into a pattern of thought that this time it is over, really and truly over, he comes around and does things like this:
-emailed me just to say "more than anything in the world I wish this was a horrendous nightmare I will wake up from any second" and apologized for the hateful email he had sent me previously, said he should have never sent it, he was very very angry when he wrote it and he didnt mean to hurt me, and he regrets sending it very much.
-dropped by yesterday and stood in my doorway with not much to say, just looking all sad and pitiful, but he brought me a fountain pop (my addiction) and chocolate.
-tonight he left work after working overtime, stopped by here and gave me $100 which is almost 1/3 of his bring home pay because he knew I had no $. THEN, worked a side job until 11:30pm this evening, in an effort to earn cash to pay my landlord in hopes to prevent the upcoming eviction.
(AH had planned on taking the $ out of his IRA like I posted before and that I agreed he would get the entire tax rebate check when it comes to replace the $ in the IRA - BUT the IRA company wouldnt let him take the $ out afterall because AH told them what he was using it for, apparently it can only be taken out for certain reasons like to pay medical bills and stuff?)
So, we are back to square one with the landlord and time is not on our side. My landlord is a good guy and if we just could come up with a large portion of what I owe (2 months plus late fees) he would let me stay.
All this to say (I am soooo longwinded, sorry!) that he worked a hugely physically demanding job all day in the heat & dirt, then went and worked his butt of in another hugely physical job from 6pm -11:30pm in the heat & dirt just to earn money to pay my landlord. All of this with slipped discs in his back, in severe pain, all day, everyday.
So now, here I sit thinking things like, maybe I made a mountain out of a molehill, maybe I truly did make an a** out of myself, maybe the crap with the other woman WAS just as he said and nothing really happened (even though the situation was entirely inappropriate no matter which way it went down - and no doubt he handled the entire situation very poorly), maybe, maybe, maybe.......now I'm feeling badly about burning all of our letters and cards and special things.
Replaying it all in my head over and over and over, analyzing it all over and over, questioning myself over and over.
I am seriously driving myself insane.
Then I get to thinking about all of the things I did do wrong in our relationship over the years, all the things he is right about that were my fault. How much of my stuff he put up with over the years, neither of us was/is perfect and both of us made mistakes. (although his were bigger of course....I kid, I kid - humor gets me through....)
And is he really that bad of a husband?
UGH. UGH. UGH.
*I* need a freaking drink!
Somebody smack some sense into me!
Where's the codie police when ya need 'em?
Is this all just manipulation or is it a messed up man who recently made a huge mistake trying to make the whole situation better?
Dammit, I wish he would just wake the heck up and realize and want to get himself help!
Thanks for listening. Again.
Its been a week exactly since "the phone call" (a week, 1 hour and 8 mins but who's being obsessive? i'm kidding.....) that started all of the recent chaos and heartache.
Just as I start settling into a pattern of thought that this time it is over, really and truly over, he comes around and does things like this:
-emailed me just to say "more than anything in the world I wish this was a horrendous nightmare I will wake up from any second" and apologized for the hateful email he had sent me previously, said he should have never sent it, he was very very angry when he wrote it and he didnt mean to hurt me, and he regrets sending it very much.
-dropped by yesterday and stood in my doorway with not much to say, just looking all sad and pitiful, but he brought me a fountain pop (my addiction) and chocolate.
-tonight he left work after working overtime, stopped by here and gave me $100 which is almost 1/3 of his bring home pay because he knew I had no $. THEN, worked a side job until 11:30pm this evening, in an effort to earn cash to pay my landlord in hopes to prevent the upcoming eviction.
(AH had planned on taking the $ out of his IRA like I posted before and that I agreed he would get the entire tax rebate check when it comes to replace the $ in the IRA - BUT the IRA company wouldnt let him take the $ out afterall because AH told them what he was using it for, apparently it can only be taken out for certain reasons like to pay medical bills and stuff?)
So, we are back to square one with the landlord and time is not on our side. My landlord is a good guy and if we just could come up with a large portion of what I owe (2 months plus late fees) he would let me stay.
All this to say (I am soooo longwinded, sorry!) that he worked a hugely physically demanding job all day in the heat & dirt, then went and worked his butt of in another hugely physical job from 6pm -11:30pm in the heat & dirt just to earn money to pay my landlord. All of this with slipped discs in his back, in severe pain, all day, everyday.
So now, here I sit thinking things like, maybe I made a mountain out of a molehill, maybe I truly did make an a** out of myself, maybe the crap with the other woman WAS just as he said and nothing really happened (even though the situation was entirely inappropriate no matter which way it went down - and no doubt he handled the entire situation very poorly), maybe, maybe, maybe.......now I'm feeling badly about burning all of our letters and cards and special things.
Replaying it all in my head over and over and over, analyzing it all over and over, questioning myself over and over.
I am seriously driving myself insane.
Then I get to thinking about all of the things I did do wrong in our relationship over the years, all the things he is right about that were my fault. How much of my stuff he put up with over the years, neither of us was/is perfect and both of us made mistakes. (although his were bigger of course....I kid, I kid - humor gets me through....)
And is he really that bad of a husband?
UGH. UGH. UGH.
*I* need a freaking drink!
Somebody smack some sense into me!
Where's the codie police when ya need 'em?
Is this all just manipulation or is it a messed up man who recently made a huge mistake trying to make the whole situation better?
Dammit, I wish he would just wake the heck up and realize and want to get himself help!
Thanks for listening. Again.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
and he just sent me a link to a Dwight Yoakam song,
the lyrics consist of:
I blame the vain for what we wear,
And I blame the blind when we can't see.
I blame it all on someone else,
Till there's nobody left, then I just blame me.
I blame her mind for the thoughts we share,
Whoa, and I blame her heart for the time we cared.
I blame it all on how we used to be,
Till she's finally gone, then I'll just blame me.
So go ahead and blame,
Anything that you want.
'Cause it all ends up the same,
When everything that you've been claiming is wrong.
Oh and don't you know that blame,
Is always never enough.
It just keeps you in the game,
Till you've only got yourself left to bluff.
So I blame the vain for what we wear,
Yeah, and I'll blame the blind when we can't see.
I'll blame it all on someone else,
Till there's nobody left, then I'll just blame me.
Till she's fin'lly gone, then I just blame me
manipulation? feeling sorry for himself? trying to apologize?
the lyrics consist of:
I blame the vain for what we wear,
And I blame the blind when we can't see.
I blame it all on someone else,
Till there's nobody left, then I just blame me.
I blame her mind for the thoughts we share,
Whoa, and I blame her heart for the time we cared.
I blame it all on how we used to be,
Till she's finally gone, then I'll just blame me.
So go ahead and blame,
Anything that you want.
'Cause it all ends up the same,
When everything that you've been claiming is wrong.
Oh and don't you know that blame,
Is always never enough.
It just keeps you in the game,
Till you've only got yourself left to bluff.
So I blame the vain for what we wear,
Yeah, and I'll blame the blind when we can't see.
I'll blame it all on someone else,
Till there's nobody left, then I'll just blame me.
Till she's fin'lly gone, then I just blame me
manipulation? feeling sorry for himself? trying to apologize?
Last edited by strongerwoman; 05-30-2008 at 10:08 PM. Reason: didnt know how to spell Yoakam and it still doesnt look right!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
None of us is perfect thats for sure.
We all have/had our part to play.......I have learnt along the way to not be drawn in! I have learnt along the way to be responsible for my own behaviour and reactions. I have learnt to take responsibility.......and in case I sound like I have it all sorted I don't!! when I stuff up I try again to react/behave differently the next time.....I am still learning.
I hear what you are saying but DON'T BE DRAWN IN!!!! Focus on yourself and what is best for you and you only.......so here is the smack you asked for
(grin! grin!)
Keep reading keep posting......you are already learning....step by step....one day/minute/hour/second at a time if necessary.
Step aside from the chaos and decide what is best for YOU.
All the best Phiz
We all have/had our part to play.......I have learnt along the way to not be drawn in! I have learnt along the way to be responsible for my own behaviour and reactions. I have learnt to take responsibility.......and in case I sound like I have it all sorted I don't!! when I stuff up I try again to react/behave differently the next time.....I am still learning.
I hear what you are saying but DON'T BE DRAWN IN!!!! Focus on yourself and what is best for you and you only.......so here is the smack you asked for
(grin! grin!)Keep reading keep posting......you are already learning....step by step....one day/minute/hour/second at a time if necessary.
Step aside from the chaos and decide what is best for YOU.
All the best Phiz
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
and another just sent:
( I actually like this one, you can hear it here
YouTube - dwight yoakam sings "The Back Of Your Hand"
Dwight Yoakam, The Back Of Your Hand Lyric
When you give it up for gone
but your still digging in the mind
and your staring out the window
saying everything wil be just fine
keepin with whole affair
every word seems out of line
no matter what angle you get
its pollished till it shines
(chorus)
Take a guess at where i stand
pick a number one to two
take a look at the back of your hand
just like you know it
you know me too
and when you say who the hell am i living with
what just went down
where did this come from
why are all my colors faded brown
when did it change
whats with the rage
whos the dude with the extra roll?
whats the verse? the line? the chapter? the page?
(chours)
Take a guess at where i stand
pick a number one to two
take a look at the back of your hand
just like you know it
you know me too
You think your alone without any place left to go
like you need one of those kisses long and slow
first glance is not what it seems
but theres some things i just know
like you take two sugars with a splash of cream
you take a guess
Where i stand oh pick a number one to two
then take a look
at the back of your hand
just like you know it
you know me too
yeah like you know it
you know me too
just like you know it
you know me too
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
am I supposed to reply to these? email him back or just not acknowledge them?
( I actually like this one, you can hear it here
YouTube - dwight yoakam sings "The Back Of Your Hand"
Dwight Yoakam, The Back Of Your Hand Lyric
When you give it up for gone
but your still digging in the mind
and your staring out the window
saying everything wil be just fine
keepin with whole affair
every word seems out of line
no matter what angle you get
its pollished till it shines
(chorus)
Take a guess at where i stand
pick a number one to two
take a look at the back of your hand
just like you know it
you know me too
and when you say who the hell am i living with
what just went down
where did this come from
why are all my colors faded brown
when did it change
whats with the rage
whos the dude with the extra roll?
whats the verse? the line? the chapter? the page?
(chours)
Take a guess at where i stand
pick a number one to two
take a look at the back of your hand
just like you know it
you know me too
You think your alone without any place left to go
like you need one of those kisses long and slow
first glance is not what it seems
but theres some things i just know
like you take two sugars with a splash of cream
you take a guess
Where i stand oh pick a number one to two
then take a look
at the back of your hand
just like you know it
you know me too
yeah like you know it
you know me too
just like you know it
you know me too
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
am I supposed to reply to these? email him back or just not acknowledge them?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Not sure if that is totally accurate on the IRA thing. Usually you can do whatever you want with your money but will have to pay a large penalty for early withdrawal. Just throwing that out there for thought.
You are in a VERY vulnerable spot right now. And you're getting sick (body tells us when enough is enough). Maybe allow yourself to turn off the cell phone at a certain time at night so you can get some peace and self-focus. When you allow your mind to focus on him, you take it off yourself and what is best for you (I'm trying to throw out all the detachment I can remember right now).
And the overtime to pay the rent? That's something he should have done, alki or not. Come on. And the song texts? All about HIM, not you.
Keep your focus on YOU, Strongerwoman. They are masters of manipulation, as you can see with the self-doubt about what happened with the other woman. Trust YOUR gut, not his. Hugs to you this morning, sweetie. And take care of that sore throat.
You are in a VERY vulnerable spot right now. And you're getting sick (body tells us when enough is enough). Maybe allow yourself to turn off the cell phone at a certain time at night so you can get some peace and self-focus. When you allow your mind to focus on him, you take it off yourself and what is best for you (I'm trying to throw out all the detachment I can remember right now).
And the overtime to pay the rent? That's something he should have done, alki or not. Come on. And the song texts? All about HIM, not you.
Keep your focus on YOU, Strongerwoman. They are masters of manipulation, as you can see with the self-doubt about what happened with the other woman. Trust YOUR gut, not his. Hugs to you this morning, sweetie. And take care of that sore throat.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
He is lying (or misimformed) about the IRA, eviction is one of the ONLY reasons you can make early and complete withdrawls (IRS rule, employers usually will allow partial withdrawls for any reason). I know this because my STBX tried to empty his entire 401k in an effort to make himself appear impoverished after I filed for divorce and they would not let him because he didn't have a forclosure or eviction notice (wouldn't have worked anyway, I had downloaded all his statements).
My ex used to pull this same kind of crap, all I can add is that his "jedi mind tricks" don't work on me anymore. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
My ex used to pull this same kind of crap, all I can add is that his "jedi mind tricks" don't work on me anymore. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'll note that you can always take money out of an IRA. Its your money. You may end up paying a penalty but you can access your money anything you want.
As for the songs and emails and so on, can you spell manipulation?
As for the songs and emails and so on, can you spell manipulation?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
He's working it.
My daughter and I were talking about this yesterday. They do awful things and then are so darn sweet. And we fall for it. And they know we will. We always do.
Focus on YOU! YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. Without YOU.....well there would be no YOU. With or without him there is still a YOU. So take care of the person who is most important.
That was about the silliest statement that I've ever made.....but in some silly way...it is also very true.
Alcoholics seem to think that they can do anything mean they want to and it's ok, because they will always be forgiven. There are no consequences. Let him feel the pain. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. It's not only best for YOU....it's best for him too!
gentle hugs
And I LOVE your humor! Laughter (even at myself) feels good and helps me make it through each day!
My daughter and I were talking about this yesterday. They do awful things and then are so darn sweet. And we fall for it. And they know we will. We always do.
Focus on YOU! YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. Without YOU.....well there would be no YOU. With or without him there is still a YOU. So take care of the person who is most important.
That was about the silliest statement that I've ever made.....but in some silly way...it is also very true.
Alcoholics seem to think that they can do anything mean they want to and it's ok, because they will always be forgiven. There are no consequences. Let him feel the pain. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. It's not only best for YOU....it's best for him too!
gentle hugs
And I LOVE your humor! Laughter (even at myself) feels good and helps me make it through each day!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
So he plays a couple of songs and everything is ok? As they say, show me the money! Is he getting into recovery? Does he have a plan to change? He should have been working like that all along, and you wouldn't be in this bind, right? And, don't go brushing the "other woman" thing under the rug. You knew it was wrong when it happened...some pop and chocolate don't change that, do they?
I'm not being mean when I say this. I just want you to see the flip side of this coin. It may look all shiny and new on "this" side, but it's the same ol' coin. My therapist and I just talked about this on Friday. We forgive our A's just because they say I'm sorry. Like it's instantaneous...they say I'm sorry and we're on cloud nine and so happy that every thing is fine now. That is called the definition of insanity!!
It's fine to accept the apology but they have to show that things are changing. Actions speak louder than words and a few days of hard work are not enough to prove that he is making life long changes.
I'm not being mean when I say this. I just want you to see the flip side of this coin. It may look all shiny and new on "this" side, but it's the same ol' coin. My therapist and I just talked about this on Friday. We forgive our A's just because they say I'm sorry. Like it's instantaneous...they say I'm sorry and we're on cloud nine and so happy that every thing is fine now. That is called the definition of insanity!!
It's fine to accept the apology but they have to show that things are changing. Actions speak louder than words and a few days of hard work are not enough to prove that he is making life long changes.
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
And so, yesterday our daughter and I were in the area, AH had given her $ to get a bathing suit and she wanted to stop by and show him.
It was weird that he opened the door but wouldnt let her in. He was sleeping he said, but kept her in the doorway & kept the visit short, like 2 mins short, which is a bit out of character.
Made me strongly suspicious that there was someone in there "sleeping" with him, although "her" car wasnt there - made me want to drive around the block to see if her car was parked somewhere else near his apt.
I actually then drove by her house to see if her car was there and it wasn't.
I am clearly still obsessed with this situation.
My logical mind tells me that he was probably dead tired from working all day and all night the Friday and then working again yesterday morning and early afternoon.
My logical mind tells me she was probably working or going about her life and wasn't home for a million other reasons.
So, I didnt hear anything from him yesterday at all.
He just called to ask if he could take our daughter swimming today.
It just slays me how he calls me up and acts all cheerful and like nothing is wrong. How he acts like he isn't hurting, and is getting on just fine, thank
you very much. While here I am still alternately seething and deeply sad/depressed.
So, it leaves me to act like the cold b*tch - which I suppose is my version of detachment. I just can't do it nicely yet, since the urge to gouge his eyes out hasn't fully passed.
And I KNOW it is all an act, I know it. But I hate how he does it. Makes me feel guilty and weak and sad.
Now he'll be here in an hour and a half to pick up our daughter and act that way to me in person.
UGH.
It was weird that he opened the door but wouldnt let her in. He was sleeping he said, but kept her in the doorway & kept the visit short, like 2 mins short, which is a bit out of character.
Made me strongly suspicious that there was someone in there "sleeping" with him, although "her" car wasnt there - made me want to drive around the block to see if her car was parked somewhere else near his apt.
I actually then drove by her house to see if her car was there and it wasn't.
I am clearly still obsessed with this situation.
My logical mind tells me that he was probably dead tired from working all day and all night the Friday and then working again yesterday morning and early afternoon.
My logical mind tells me she was probably working or going about her life and wasn't home for a million other reasons.
So, I didnt hear anything from him yesterday at all.
He just called to ask if he could take our daughter swimming today.
It just slays me how he calls me up and acts all cheerful and like nothing is wrong. How he acts like he isn't hurting, and is getting on just fine, thank
you very much. While here I am still alternately seething and deeply sad/depressed.
So, it leaves me to act like the cold b*tch - which I suppose is my version of detachment. I just can't do it nicely yet, since the urge to gouge his eyes out hasn't fully passed.
And I KNOW it is all an act, I know it. But I hate how he does it. Makes me feel guilty and weak and sad.
Now he'll be here in an hour and a half to pick up our daughter and act that way to me in person.
UGH.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((strongerwoman))))))
I hope that today you can find something good for you maybe do your nails or have a nice warm candle lit bath with some fragrant, soothing herbs steeping in the water to help you relax or some other self beauty treatment.
Do something to try and take your mind off of him. Consider that when your mind is stuck on him you are moving backwards and when you are focused on doing what you need to do you are pulling yourself out of the mire. Be gentle with yourself doll get some distance so you can heal.
I hope that today you can find something good for you maybe do your nails or have a nice warm candle lit bath with some fragrant, soothing herbs steeping in the water to help you relax or some other self beauty treatment.
Do something to try and take your mind off of him. Consider that when your mind is stuck on him you are moving backwards and when you are focused on doing what you need to do you are pulling yourself out of the mire. Be gentle with yourself doll get some distance so you can heal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Hey Stephanie. I think you know you need to start focusing on your own life and stop focusing on his.
This isn't your logical mind. This is your codie mind wishing the he was different and making you think you are crazy for thinking bad of him. Trust your gut. He's doing his own thing without regard for you or your child. Who makes their own kid stand in the doorway??
I have been in the exact same place...focusing on STBXAH and letting what HE does hurt ME. I finally had to pull away and do my own thing without worrying about what he was doing. Now he calls me to make plans with the kids. I don't check up on him, I don't wonder where he is or what he's doing. It is sooo freeing and so much easier to manage my emotions when I'm not constantly stuck on HIM.
My logical mind tells me that he was probably dead tired from working all day and all night the Friday and then working again yesterday morning and early afternoon.
My logical mind tells me she was probably working or going about her life and wasn't home for a million other reasons.
My logical mind tells me she was probably working or going about her life and wasn't home for a million other reasons.
I have been in the exact same place...focusing on STBXAH and letting what HE does hurt ME. I finally had to pull away and do my own thing without worrying about what he was doing. Now he calls me to make plans with the kids. I don't check up on him, I don't wonder where he is or what he's doing. It is sooo freeing and so much easier to manage my emotions when I'm not constantly stuck on HIM.
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