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I feel sick

Old 05-30-2008, 03:49 PM
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I feel sick

Completely self-inflicted, I know, save the lectures please. Got involved with the exagf again. Two months, on, two months off has been the pattern for the last almost year or so. Actually, the on periods have been getting shorter and shorter. Been about 23 days this time, and a fair amount of cash, yeah, I know all about that bit.

Cutting to the chase, she came over today and she knew something was up, I pretended there was nothing wrong. She's in dire financial straits again, I'm thinking I should take the opportunity of her being out of town for 10 odd days to take her/our van back.

She hasn't made a payment in several months, may or may not make this month's payment. I would like her to, for obvious reasons. I plan on getting the spare set of keys tonight, to eliminate the possibility of any melodramatic scenes. I do not plan on telling her. Feel slightly squeamish about this as I don't plan on actually telling her, I'm just going to take them off the key rack when I visit tonight.

FYI, I actually made the last payment in late April, the credit people, in spite of their assurances to the contrary applied it to May. The allowed her to roll the missed payment in April to the end of the loan. I will tell her via text message when she's out of town, she will have 10 odd days to arrange some kind of transport when she gets back into town. Her new job is a work at home scheme, she won't actually need the van to get to work and the day she gets home will be the kids last day of school.

I really want assurances that I'm not being unfair here. What finally brought me to this point was getting some info that turned my guts, knowing that absolutely nothing has changed for her and if anything it's just gotten worse. BTW, thanks in advance for all your support and prayers. I love you guys.
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:09 PM
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No lectures, Sailor. I gave my exhusband a bundle of outs in our relationship. You didn't cause this woman to have all the problems she has. You didn't raise her. You are just a guy who tried to have a relationship with her and it didn't work. I have been listening to Anvilhead say a lot about it truly being "okay" when two people realize they just aren't right for each other. It's not the end of the world, just two people who came together for a while and then parted ways.

Is the van in your name (I can't remember) cause that would make me want to take it back long ago with an alcoholic driver. That's mere self-protection, not being cruel. If YOU don't take care of yourself starting today, who is going to? Just like WE have talked of nurturing and loving the little girl inside of us, protecting that little soul like we would a little girl in our home or in public, you need to realize that you have your own little guy inside who is wanting to be nurtured by love. Learn to love yourself, Sailor. Take care of your spirit, and take care of your connections to an alcoholic that could really bring you down in your own recovery. This is YOUR life and you get to call the shots when it affects you. There is nothing unfair about that. Good luck with your plan. I feel a little hesitant about the sneaking the keys thing, but it's been a long while since I've had to deal with a drunk so my judgment doesn't matter. You do it however you can in order to keep yourself safe and in as much serenity as possible.
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:20 PM
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(((sailorjohn)))

I know from experience that sometimes there are those people in our lives that even though we know are toxic to our serenity, we just have a hard time letting go. I actually believe that their are some people who, like any addiction, it takes time to be able to let go of for good.

You know what you need to do and it sounds like you have thought this through. My only concern about this is, whose name is the van in? Not just the loan but the registeration? I'd hate to see the police come knocking on your door with charges of grand theft auto. Just make sure those bases are covered before you do anything. Maybe a text message isn't such a good idea though. She could always say she never got it. (My Son likes to use that one when I ask him to do something for me that doesn't fit into his plans at the time.)

I'll keep you in my Prayers. You've been a great support for not only me but many others as well. You have my support, not lectures.

God Bless,
Judy

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Old 05-30-2008, 04:33 PM
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Thanks, guys. The van has my name on the title, first name on the title, the license renewal tags were mailed to my address on her birthday, I put the envelope in her mailbox so she wouldn't be driving around with expired tags, how this whole sordid mess got started again, among other things. I was reasonably certain she might only get one other card for her birthday aside from maybe her kids so I left a card in her mailbox, my bad, feeling a little too much compassion.
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn View Post
Thanks, guys. The van has my name on the title, first name on the title, the license renewal tags were mailed to my address on her birthday, I put the envelope in her mailbox so she wouldn't be driving around with expired tags, how this whole sordid mess got started again, among other things. I was reasonably certain she might only get one other card for her birthday aside from maybe her kids so I left a card in her mailbox, my bad, feeling a little too much compassion.
As an outsider looking in, I don't see compassion at all. I see addiction. You are addicted to her plain and simple. I recognize it because I have experienced it myself. I have also told myself lies about it being compassion, in the other person's best interest, not wanting to hurt them, etc, etc, etc. I never really made much progress at all in recovery until I was willing to be completely honest with myself. And, yes I know, it's a really, really hard thing to do.

I also perceive a little bit of self-righteousness going on. And once again, you guessed it, I recognize it because I lived it. Wanting to sneak the keys and take the van so that she will come back and find it gone sounds like a bit of a power play. Maybe to punish her for whatever you feel she has done to hurt you?

Whenever I am contemplating doing something, I try to honestly look at my motivation. Not just in the action itself, but the modus operandi, if you get my drift. Isn't there a more honest and straightforward way to protect your financial interest here?

Just trying to give you some food for thought. No need to answer in public.

L
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:52 PM
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Re the birthday card. Seems like many people think things have to get mean and ugly when a relationship ends; there's no need. I think this helps you reinforce your decision, that you did the right thing. You knew that the relationship had to end for good, but you were kind enough to wish her the best for her birthday and I'm sure the years to come.

Your a good man sailorjohn!

Hugs,
Judy
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:59 PM
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I never meant to imply that anyone should get "mean and ugly" when a relationship ends. And from what I'm reading here, it hasn't ended. He keeps getting back on the rollercoaster, getting off, getting back on, getting off, etc. The birthday card appears to be another ticket he bought for yet another ride.......................

L

p.s. Sorry to speak about you as if you weren't here Sailorjohn.
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Old 05-30-2008, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
As an outsider looking in, I don't see compassion at all. I see addiction. You are addicted to her plain and simple. I recognize it because I have experienced it myself. I have also told myself lies about it being compassion, in the other person's best interest, not wanting to hurt them, etc, etc, etc. I never really made much progress at all in recovery until I was willing to be completely honest with myself. And, yes I know, it's a really, really hard thing to do.

I also perceive a little bit of self-righteousness going on. And once again, you guessed it, I recognize it because I lived it. Wanting to sneak the keys and take the van so that she will come back and find it gone sounds like a bit of a power play. Maybe to punish her for whatever you feel she has done to hurt you?

Whenever I am contemplating doing something, I try to honestly look at my motivation. Not just in the action itself, but the modus operandi, if you get my drift. Isn't there a more honest and straightforward way to protect your financial interest here?

Just trying to give you some food for thought. No need to answer in public.

L

Okay, you're right, the thing about the compassion was bs, I just wanted her back, and you are probably right about the relationship being more of an addiction than anything else.

As far as taking the van back goes, I am kind of stuck, I really don't want any dramas and I will be telling her as soon as she gets out of town. Because of one other incredibly stupid thing I've done financially I'm pretty certain I'll get stuck making the June payment if she has any control over that. I can undo the financial thing but I have no control over whether or not she actually makes the June payment.
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Old 05-30-2008, 05:31 PM
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My post was not intended as advice. Do whatever you need to do about the van, as long as it's in your own best interest.

My intention was to encourage you to look at your motivation and to be honest with yourself. So, congrats to you for doing just that.

Best wishes to you. You can avoid the drama if you sincerely want to.

L
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Old 05-30-2008, 06:53 PM
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I guess it all depends on what sort of drama it will create when she gets home. Are you doing this as a way to get her ticked off enough that she'll stop calling you? Or, do you think this is the best way to really truly just cut the strings so to speak? Obviously we don't know the whole story. And you know what's best in your particular situation. Just don't want you to trade one set of drama for another. Guess I'm not really one that would want to hide something like that but that's me and I don't know your situation. JMO. Hope you can work it out and get off the roller coaster.
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Old 05-30-2008, 07:56 PM
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Hey SailorJohm-
It all just seems so sneaky - why so sneaky?
I mean I hear your reason being you want to avoid drama but if she is the drama-maker you do not have to engage in the drama.

To me it's pretty dramatic on your part to sneak the keys off the rack and txt message her about her lack of a vehicle (a bit of a shock I'd imagine). I mean regardless of whether she is an A or a jerk or just someone you want to end a relationship with it seems you owe it to yourself to be more straightforward and HANDLE whatever drama she creates by not feeding the fire...

Certainly a thought provoking post!!
Peace,
B.
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Old 05-30-2008, 09:08 PM
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She called just as I was leaving work and-no real surprise here-told me that we wouldn't be seeing each other as she had previously promised. She sounded very nervous.

Due to time constraints I had to tell her that our previous financial arrangement was not going to happen, it was more or less a last minute thing anyways, very clever tactic on her part. I did so via text after her call, not wishing to get into a drawn out discussion about it.

This gives her two days to come up with the money if she needs it, she received well over half the amount in her paycheck today, her airfare, meals, a rental car and hotel room are being paid for by her new employers.

I fully expect her to threaten to not make the June payment, but I will save at least 50% by canceling the first arrangement, and I don't expect her to pay any of the loans back in any event. I'll offer to have a face to face tomorrow, will bring up the issue of the van, which she truly can't afford.

So everything will work out the way it's supposed to, will just try to do the right thing here. Thanks for all the input.

Last edited by sailorjohn; 05-30-2008 at 09:09 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 05-30-2008, 09:22 PM
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There we go........you have practically solved the problem without being sneaky (I understood why also!).....and without the drama.

Sometimes we just need to have an outlet and write these things down on paper and work through them....step by step SailorJ

Hope it all goes well...Kindest Phiz :0)
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