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It's a trust thing.

Old 05-30-2008, 12:42 AM
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Question It's a trust thing.

My wife hadn't been drunk for 5 weeks until yesterday. The forum has helped me undertsand how to control myself and that I have no control over her or her actions. The problem is the deceipt. She told me she only had one can but, as I am sure you know, it's easy to tell that was not true. She was not so drunk that she was not making sense and convinced me that there was no more drink in the house and that to show her some trust, I should go out to TKD as normal.

I did go out but not to the club. I told her I would be back early. Needless to say she was totally out of it by the time I got back.

I was gone for an hour and our 1 yr old boy was asleep when I left and when I got back. I worry for both of them while I am not there. There are together alone one day a week and this is the danger time. She goes to AA, has seen her GP and to be fair is a once in a while binge drinker.

Is there anything else I can do to help her, while not appearing controlling or untrusting?
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Old 05-30-2008, 07:09 AM
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No there isn't a thing you can do to bring her to sobriety. Obviously, although she goes to AA she is not serious yet. You have reason to not trust her. Why would you want to seem trusting when she has not earned that trust?
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Old 05-30-2008, 08:05 AM
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Nope. Can't control her. Can't cure her. It's not within your power.

If she's attending AA, she knows the language of the program. I find it is helpful to ME in dealing with the A in my life to react, talk and deal with him in the language of the program. Even though your wife may not be taking AA to heart right now, if she's there, she's at least getting something.

By talking, reacting and living my life in that "language" I am reinforcing what my A son is learning in AA and his therapy sessions. That is all I can do. The magical result is that I feel better.

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Old 05-30-2008, 08:33 AM
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Hello Nic,

Welcome to SR. I hope you begin posting more often! I hope your AW gets back on track.

I remember when my exabf began going to AA, I felt like this was the beginning of the end - the end of his drinking that is! However, although he was attending AA, he was never committed to the programme, I think he wanted to be, for himself and for me, but he wasn't ready. He would inevitably drink again, time after time, and after a while, AA was phased out. He never wanted me to attend with him, always said that 'Its not that easy' or disregard what I had learnt.

I used the AA terminology with him, one day at a time, progress not perfection etc etc, I encouraged him to call other AA members when he was finding it tough, attend more meetings blah blah, he never wanted to know, he didn't want to annoy people or put them out, or there was something not right about that meeting etc etc, I just became a nag to him.

I guess what I'm saying is, unless she is completely ready FOR HERSELF, AA won't do her any good. An active A can take anything they hear and turn it to their advantage. If she is attending with true motivation to get sober for herself then by talking AA language you will help reinforce and centre her recovery, but she's got to WANT it.

Good luck, and IMHO never leave a baby or child alone with an active A. That is asking for catastrophe.

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Old 05-30-2008, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by NicTKD View Post
I was gone for an hour and our 1 yr old boy was asleep when I left and when I got back. I worry for both of them while I am not there. There are together alone one day a week and this is the danger time. She goes to AA, has seen her GP and to be fair is a once in a while binge drinker.

Is there anything else I can do to help her, while not appearing controlling or untrusting?
Anvil: I was going to say the same thing about leaving hte 1 yr old boy with her.

I think at this point you need to protect YOU and your son. It's not a matter of appearing controlling or untrusting (which are words used to manipulate you btw). You need to take care of YOURSELF. If it appears that you are not trusting her because of it...well that's her interpretation and has nothing to do with YOU. Make sense? So she fell off the wagon. Does she want to get sober? Does she want to embrace life in recovery? Only she can know where her heart is right now. And only you can protect yourself and your precious child. Let her worry about her recovery.
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Old 05-30-2008, 09:00 AM
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Thanks at you all. It's nice to know there's people to talk to.
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Old 05-30-2008, 10:38 AM
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I don't have anything to add, but yes we ALL understand and WE are always here
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:21 PM
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Welcome, Nic. You have found a great place and we all really do know how it goes in an alcoholic household. It is a progressive disease, you are aware of that right? In that, a binge drinker ultimately works her way up to being a daily drinker. Time frame's vary, but when it starts it happens very quickly and there is never any going back. Treatment is the only option, then abstinence and a lifetime of staying sober. You sound like a young dad with a loving heart. Take care you YOU, Nic. Your baby too. Read around here on detachment and codependency. It's very eye-opening and really makes you feel better and get new ideas on how to handle these tough situations. Glad you found us
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Old 05-30-2008, 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by NicTKD View Post
My wife hadn't been drunk for 5 weeks until yesterday. The forum has helped me undertsand how to control myself and that I have no control over her or her actions. The problem is the deceipt. She told me she only had one can but, as I am sure you know, it's easy to tell that was not true. She was not so drunk that she was not making sense and convinced me that there was no more drink in the house and that to show her some trust, I should go out to TKD as normal.

I did go out but not to the club. I told her I would be back early. Needless to say she was totally out of it by the time I got back.

I was gone for an hour and our 1 yr old boy was asleep when I left and when I got back. I worry for both of them while I am not there. There are together alone one day a week and this is the danger time. She goes to AA, has seen her GP and to be fair is a once in a while binge drinker.

Is there anything else I can do to help her, while not appearing controlling or untrusting?
Well, that is what alcoholics do. That cliche about "only having a couple" is absolutely true, I can remember my STBEX making that comment after I actually witnessed her consumption on a particular evening, the couple was actually around 7 in a 3-4 hour period with last one being a very stiff mixed drink. There is no way several drinks over a 4 or so hour period can make you smell of alcohol from 4 feet away, and I ran into that on many occasions, she volunteering that she'd only had 'a couple'.

The only real way to help her is to help yourself, we alcoholics didn't stop drinking until the issue become one of life and death or the possibility of losing something forever that we weren't willing to lose. My thoughts go out to you, in the meantime, try Alanon. Oh, and one other thing.


WELCOME!!!
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