new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: folsom ca
Posts: 5
new here
I hope this is the right place to come to, it's strange even posting anything, it feels like some sort of a weird violation of privacy somehow, I've kept quiet for so long. but I need somewhere to let it all out. I searched google for "wives of alcoholics support" and this was one of the results....
My husband has been sober for one week, hopefully it will last this time. I'm feeling very depressed, and there seems to be so much distance between us, obviously. I won't go into all of the gory details leading up to today, because anyone who has lived it already knows about "rock bottom". I'm worried about so many things. I don't know what the future holds.
I'm thankful that he is trying, but am also worried about so many things...
I'm worried that he will start up again, and ironically, I'm worried that our marriage won't survive sobriety (since the only thing I've ever known was the opposite) although I know it wouldn't survive any more drinking. I have distanced myself so much from him in the past, out of necessity, trying to shield the kids, coming to terms with being "alone" in the house, trying to think one step ahead, and now that he has a clear head he sees it and keeps asking me "whats wrong?" But I don't want to make him feel bad by going into why, then he may feel discouraged and start drinking again.
He doesn't have any interest is being affectionate with me in the tiniest degree, he says it's because he just quit, and that it's normal. Is it?
He didn't go to a formal recovery program, he just up and stopped cold turkey, joined a new gym and is spending hours a day there, saying that is his recovery, which I hope. Now, I wonder, how do the rest of us recover? I can't go to alanon, too many kids, no babysitter. What now? whats next?
My husband has been sober for one week, hopefully it will last this time. I'm feeling very depressed, and there seems to be so much distance between us, obviously. I won't go into all of the gory details leading up to today, because anyone who has lived it already knows about "rock bottom". I'm worried about so many things. I don't know what the future holds.
I'm thankful that he is trying, but am also worried about so many things...
I'm worried that he will start up again, and ironically, I'm worried that our marriage won't survive sobriety (since the only thing I've ever known was the opposite) although I know it wouldn't survive any more drinking. I have distanced myself so much from him in the past, out of necessity, trying to shield the kids, coming to terms with being "alone" in the house, trying to think one step ahead, and now that he has a clear head he sees it and keeps asking me "whats wrong?" But I don't want to make him feel bad by going into why, then he may feel discouraged and start drinking again.
He doesn't have any interest is being affectionate with me in the tiniest degree, he says it's because he just quit, and that it's normal. Is it?
He didn't go to a formal recovery program, he just up and stopped cold turkey, joined a new gym and is spending hours a day there, saying that is his recovery, which I hope. Now, I wonder, how do the rest of us recover? I can't go to alanon, too many kids, no babysitter. What now? whats next?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Welcome woa, I don't go to al anon either, too many kids, too much work, too far away, yes, all excuses I could get around if I tried, but I use this place, the poeple here are great, they've all been there before me. My A is my brother so I'm not i the same place as you , I just wanted to welcome you and say stick around you'll meet some great people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Idaho
Posts: 47
Hello and welcome!
You've come to a really great place for support, kindness, truth and honesty. I also am married to an alcoholic, mine's still active. I understand the feelings of distance that can come up. My own story echoes your's to some degree, I don't trust my husband even when he's sober because the things I tell him that he should hold dear come back to bite me in the butt when he's drunk.
I have tried AlAnon several times. I'm not actively going to meetings right now, but I do read the literature they provide and have found that by reading the books and actively trying to live the message, I'm in a much better place than I was four months ago when I hit my rock bottom. I also saw a therapist weekly for a month and then bi-weekly and now monthly. She was a big help.
But mostly I come here and read and post when I can. The stories here are always enlightening and helpful. There are some really wonderful people here who provide their encouragement, strength and hope and it helps.
Read the posts/stickies at the top of the forum board. There's a ton of help to be found there also.
Again, welcome and I'm glad you're here.
Mary Anne
You've come to a really great place for support, kindness, truth and honesty. I also am married to an alcoholic, mine's still active. I understand the feelings of distance that can come up. My own story echoes your's to some degree, I don't trust my husband even when he's sober because the things I tell him that he should hold dear come back to bite me in the butt when he's drunk.
I have tried AlAnon several times. I'm not actively going to meetings right now, but I do read the literature they provide and have found that by reading the books and actively trying to live the message, I'm in a much better place than I was four months ago when I hit my rock bottom. I also saw a therapist weekly for a month and then bi-weekly and now monthly. She was a big help.
But mostly I come here and read and post when I can. The stories here are always enlightening and helpful. There are some really wonderful people here who provide their encouragement, strength and hope and it helps.
Read the posts/stickies at the top of the forum board. There's a ton of help to be found there also.
Again, welcome and I'm glad you're here.
Mary Anne
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
Originally Posted by woa 
He doesn't have any interest is being affectionate with me in the tiniest degree, he says it's because he just quit, and that it's normal. Is it?
He didn't go to a formal recovery program, he just up and stopped cold turkey, joined a new gym and is spending hours a day there, saying that is his recovery, which I hope. Now, I wonder, how do the rest of us recover? I can't go to alanon, too many kids, no babysitter. What now? whats next?
He didn't go to a formal recovery program, he just up and stopped cold turkey, joined a new gym and is spending hours a day there, saying that is his recovery, which I hope. Now, I wonder, how do the rest of us recover? I can't go to alanon, too many kids, no babysitter. What now? whats next?
I'll share my experience with a few things, please remember it's just my
experience.
In early sobriety my ex was demanding a divorce, so she wasn't looking for affection anyway. But I do remember that it was the furthest thing from my mind. I was numb from the shock of detoxing and the reality of what was happening to my life. Try to understand that an alcoholic who truly desires sobriety needs to stay focused on their recovery for a long time before they're able to deal with the emotions that come with a healthy relationship.
Have you called about Al-Anon meetings in your area or tried going to a meeting? I only ask because the one I attended in my area had a place for children to play, and even a couple older kids to keep an eye on them. Some Al-Anon meetings can be understanding and sensitive about your situation with the children and they might offer child care during the meetings. It's worth checking out.
What I do want to mention is that stopping cold turkey never worked very long for me. A week or two at most, then I drank again, usually harder than I left off. AA and the 12 Steps were a necessity for my recovery, that continues on a daily basis if I want to stay sober. I know there are other forms of recovery and programs out there, I hope your husband finds something that works for him. Exercise or any kind of distraction can certainly be helpful.
Again, welcome! I think this is a great place to work on your recovery.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR woa! 
Glad that you found us! Please check out the stickies at the top of this forum as there is a wealth of information there!
Yes you have come to the right place....there is a lot of support here!
This is an awesome place and has been a part of my life when I need to "let it all out" it feels great so go ahead let it out! We are here for you!
Glad that you found us! Please check out the stickies at the top of this forum as there is a wealth of information there! Yes you have come to the right place....there is a lot of support here!
This is an awesome place and has been a part of my life when I need to "let it all out" it feels great so go ahead let it out! We are here for you!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome woa!
I hope your AH goes from strength to strength in his recovery. I am now separated from my A; he also tried the cold turkey route and as Astro said of himself for my A it only lasted a week or so every time he tried it; he tried that many times I lost count and had to get out for my sanity.
I hope you use this opportunity to work on you. I have never attended al-anon. I use this forum as a great source of information, experience and self reflection. The stickies as others have said are fabulous, mind blowing sources of knowledge! Also I read self help books and visit other web sites.
For me the biggest eye opener was realising that recovery was about me also. At first i didn't realise just how much I had been affected by this illness and just how much I was suffering, not because of what my A was doing, but because what I was doing to myself.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I hope your AH goes from strength to strength in his recovery. I am now separated from my A; he also tried the cold turkey route and as Astro said of himself for my A it only lasted a week or so every time he tried it; he tried that many times I lost count and had to get out for my sanity.
I hope you use this opportunity to work on you. I have never attended al-anon. I use this forum as a great source of information, experience and self reflection. The stickies as others have said are fabulous, mind blowing sources of knowledge! Also I read self help books and visit other web sites.
For me the biggest eye opener was realising that recovery was about me also. At first i didn't realise just how much I had been affected by this illness and just how much I was suffering, not because of what my A was doing, but because what I was doing to myself.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
Welcome! This is a wonderful place to share and recover...i can't get to alanon as much as I'd like either but I do encourage it.
I can understand the working out replacing the drinking. I was a heavy drinker, though I'm here for my ACOA and codependency and for the alcoholism of my peers. I replaced those long nights at the bar with Yoga. It's another addiction, I admit. A much healthier one but I have caught myself choosing that over connection with family/friends.
It's going to take time, but above all work on your own health and recovery...glad you're here
I can understand the working out replacing the drinking. I was a heavy drinker, though I'm here for my ACOA and codependency and for the alcoholism of my peers. I replaced those long nights at the bar with Yoga. It's another addiction, I admit. A much healthier one but I have caught myself choosing that over connection with family/friends.
It's going to take time, but above all work on your own health and recovery...glad you're here
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