conflicting emotions are driving me crazy so, my AH just emailed me a horrible, horrible email, he has never spoken to anyone in his life the way he just did to me. Basically I am a worthless piece of crap, I've never done anything for our marriage or children, and that he is done wasting the best years of his life on someone who has never given anything back. And none of it makes any sense to me, its all a huge slap in the face. If he wanted to totally finish me off and devastate me more than he has with all that has happened in the past few days, he did well. It literally feels like someone has a knife in my heart twisting and turning it. It feels like I'm going to vomit any moment, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my body. And the room is spinning. And as much as I hate him at this moment and hate all the cruel things he has done, and hate how much he has left me a brokenhearted mess, I also love him just as much and want to drive over there and kiss and make up. But there is no making up this time, and I have no idea how to deal with that. This is it. This is goodbye and it all turning so ugly. I want this all to be a bad dream I'm going to wake up from any minute now. I STILL invision a future with him! WHY? Some part of me feels like this will all blow over and we'll be okay. OMG I am one sick puppy. How can I think it could ever be the same? I had to drive by the road that leads to the woman house who he was with Friday night and I had to pull over because that triggered an anxiety attack. I almost had another when I thought I saw her in Walmart and last night at my daughters fifth grade graduation ceremony. He can do all that he has, he cheats on me, lies, manipulates, breaks my heart, has no respect for me at all, can be so cruel and I STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR and KISS and MAKE UP. I've told him over and over how he is in such denial - HA! I'm the freaking denial queen. I don't want to let go of my husband & our family unit. I want back what we had once. I want to be worth it to him, I want him to want me and us and not the alcohol and the drugs and all that goes with it. Why cant we be worth it? Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone. |
It probably goes without saying but I have severe abandonment issues. Has anyone successfully dealt with abandonment issues and being betrayed and being left by a spouse? |
Why cant we be worth it? I went to counseling, read alot about codependency and attend Alanon in addition to coming here....all in order to learn how not to let others treat me badly. I needed to learn how to change how I live. There is hope and you are not alone. There are some good resources for you in the sticky threads that you might want to take a look at. |
You know I don't know whether this will help but I actually have saved some nasty messages on my mobile that my ex sent me during an outburst. I read them over if I am feeling weak - It reminds me "I do not deserve to be hurt / spoken to this way". Maybe I'm weird - the nasty messages don't hurt me - they make me feel stronger. I had to delete all the loving messages - they - are the ones that rip me apart. As your name suggests - Stay strong x x x |
You are worth more than this strongerwoman. You deserve not to be used as someone's emotional punchbag! :Val004: My AH lashes out at me like that when he is feeling guilty or bad about himself - which is a lot of the time! Its like he wants me to feel the way he's feeling because that will somehow make him feel better...I think? My budding detachment really helps here! Not that I'm impervious to it all but I try and take any emotional sting from it - he's like a spoiled child lashing out at those closest to him. Imagining quacking instead of words! It has just the same amount of meaning. IMO his head is so messed up with alcoholism that getting him to say what he means is impossible never mind meaning what he says! Hang in there. Life is full of possibilities and opportunities that will likely vanish if you take him back! Take time to mourn the loss of your dreams with this man and then start to look after yourself! Read the stickies and I can recommend 'Co-dependant No More' by Melody Beattie - its a real eye opener. |
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
(Post 1786674)
Why cant we be worth it? Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone. Sorry to be so blunt, but consider that he did you a favor. You deserve so much more. If you keep reading and posting, trust me, you'll realize the strength you have and you won't be scared and alone for long! |
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
(Post 1786674)
so, my AH just emailed me a horrible, horrible email, he has never spoken to anyone in his life the way he just did to me. Basically I am a worthless piece of crap, I've never done anything for our marriage or children, and that he is done wasting the best years of his life on someone who has never given anything back. His email is terrific information about himself. It is not about you. You are a terrific person. Do not accept his projections. And none of it makes any sense to me, its all a huge slap in the face. |
(continuing from my previous post after clicking Submit like a newbie...)
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
(Post 1786674)
It literally feels like someone has a knife in my heart twisting and turning it. It feels like I'm going to vomit any moment, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my body. And the room is spinning. If you look in the animal kingdom and watch the behavior of animals that mate for life, you will see behaviors that look like grieving when one of them dies unexpectedly. Mating changes something in their brains, and links them to the other. When there is loss, I believe the brain in the one that is left becomes injured as the link is severed. Think of your nurses training. You are experiencing the psychological equivalent of the physical phenomenon of shock. Shock is a medical emergency. Your brain needs "intensive care". See yourself as needing triage, and be the loving caregiver that you are, to the one who needs you most in this moment: YOU And as much as I hate him at this moment and hate all the cruel things he has done, and hate how much he has left me a brokenhearted mess, I also love him just as much and want to drive over there and kiss and make up. But there is no making up this time, and I have no idea how to deal with that. This is it. This is goodbye and it all turning so ugly. I want this all to be a bad dream I'm going to wake up from any minute now. I STILL invision a future with him! WHY? Some part of me feels like this will all blow over and we'll be okay. OMG I am one sick puppy. Like homeostasis in our physical body, we have natural processes to restore balance in our minds when we are disturbed and hurt. The addict manually overrides this process with drugs or behaviors, and sets up a cycle of dysfunction. Our bodies know how to heal themselves. Medicine facilitates the process. When the hammer hits our thumb, we are better off feeling the pain until it goes away. How can I think it could ever be the same? I had to drive by the road that leads to the woman house who he was with Friday night and I had to pull over because that triggered an anxiety attack. I almost had another when I thought I saw her in Walmart and last night at my daughters fifth grade graduation ceremony. He can do all that he has, he cheats on me, lies, manipulates, breaks my heart, has no respect for me at all, can be so cruel and I STILL WANT HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR and KISS and MAKE UP. I've told him over and over how he is in such denial - HA! I'm the freaking denial queen. I don't want to let go of my husband & our family unit. I want back what we had once. I want to be worth it to him, I want him to want me and us and not the alcohol and the drugs and all that goes with it. Why cant we be worth it? Reality sucks. I am so scared and alone. |
Wow. I love EVERYTHING you have posted, SailorKaren! Thanks for all of it! (((Strongerwoman))) -- What a sh*tty thing for this guy to do to you. I know in my worst codie state it would have put me in total shock, as Karen said. I hope you see the truth in her words to start right now taking good care of the hurt little girl inside of you. You deserve to be treated lovingly, not jerked around by some idiot alcoholic. You wouldn't take this from a total stranger, right? You'd remove yourself from a total stranger's presence, at least? People who are worthy of our love don't treat us like this. Sending you hugs and nurturing through the internet, lady. You are a stronger woman just for being here :) |
Stronger: I have felt this exact same way ALL day today. I keep thinking maybe if I worked a little harder or accepted my role in all of this (codie - martydom, victimhood, you name it) then STBXAH would want to come back. Then I saw him today when he came to visit the kids, and I remembered WHY we split. He wasn't drunk...he was just being a selfish jerk like always. God reminded me I was on the right path. You have uncovered your own truth right now...that you are willing to take crumbs from this man who is hurting you. Work on fixing that in yourself. You want to be healthy in this relationship or in another or just by yourself for now. Take time to care for you first. There is always time for reconciliation when you are both in recovery, but for now, focus on YOU getting better. (((HUGS))) We are on the same page today. SailorKaren: You rock! I love the idea of reading the letter and replacing YOU with I. That makes a TON of sense. |
strongerwoman Take Sailor Karen's words to heart. Her entire post was so beautifully stated (good job SK!). Take care of yourself and come here and get it out as often as you need to. You are not alone! gentle hugs |
a HUGE thank you again to all of you. I am overwhelmed with the support and compassion here, I'm just a newbie but you've all been so welcoming and already so very helpful and encouraging. I dont know how I would have gotten through this past weeks events without you all. Not having any real support system (working on that....) means I've felt really alone and isolated and out of my mind, everyone here had been a huge blessing. SailorKaren, I sent you a PM. Seriously, y'all rock! I just hope you can continue to put up with me and all of my craziness! Sometimes when I come here to post I feel really pathetic (you know I'm an avid reader and I've read M Beatties books oh TONS -along with tons of other related- of times over the years and I'm STILL where I am), but I guess that's where I'm at right now and have mowhere but up to go. |
Originally Posted by strongerwoman
(Post 1788138)
...you know I'm an avid reader and I've read M Beatties books oh TONS -along with tons of other related- of times over the years and I'm STILL where I am... I finally moved all that knowledge from my mind, and placed it firmly within my heart and worked it. I like this analogy... ''... its like going to the doctor because we are ill, taking our medication home and ignoring our doctors advice, and not taking the meds...'' You've begun taking the steps, now you've gotta start applying what you have learnt and see the results for yourself. Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
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