i4getsm

I'm curious. Did being involved with my A turn me into a codie, or was I one before I met him? Is being a codie more about who I am naturally, or is this something you become as a result of a relationship with an A?

I'm working with a therapist (only been once so far...hence the question). She said I was probably codependent (duh, right?). We specifically discussed my desire to fix ME so that I can pick someone better next time (get my "picker" fixed - her words...lol!). I think I've always picked a relationship with someone I could "help".

What do you think?

abcdefg

Was I a codie before I met XABF?

You: i don't know.

Me: HELL YES.

It's more complicated than that, but also not. I mean, I was born into codependency and alcoholism so there was no getting around it. But I definitely possessed codependent behavior long before my first alcoholic relationship of choice.

strongerwoman

Yes.

My father was an alcoholic (sometimes abusive to my mom), repeated cheater, left us when I was 13yo with never looking back - like "poof" he had not ever had a wife and children.

My first husband, a functioning and angry/abusive alcoholic.
Left him for my now AH, and yes I knew AH was an alcoholic from the get go.

I've finally figured out the difference.....AH is not at all an abusive/obnoxious drunk. He had adored me, put me on a pedastal. Not like my father and first husband who were so distant and cold. So Ah was different, despite being the same.

AH was/is so smothering in his "love" I felt so cherished and for sure felt that his drinking would calm down after the craziness at the time was resolved.
Even knowing his history (rehab at 15yo), even being what I considered well read on alcoholism and codepency, I still believed things would get better as time went by and things settled down and as our relationship progressed.

Denial anyone?

SugarLily

Good question

I don't know for sure. My previous boyfriend had treated me like an absolute angel and was very settled and happy. I never didn't I needed to "save" him.

I was very awkward growing up though, super paranoid about what people thought of me and if I were liked. If I said something that I perceived may be taken the wrong way I would obsess and obsess about it for days. Painfully shy in school.

Maybe this is from spending my childhood growing up with my brother in care?

My Dad told me years ago that when I was a little kid I saw an advert about donating to the children in Africa, apparently I was bawling my eyes out. It seems I've always wanted to save?

I've lost myself along the way though.

Barbara52

For me, being codependent was learned from my childhood in an alcoholic household. Finally, in my 50s I am unlearning these behaviors.

SugarLily

You know after thinking somewhat more about this, I believe it was learned in my childhood too.

Not to take over a thread but when I was 9 my 16 year old brother was found to have Schizophrenia following a traumatic experience. Before he was diagnosed some of his behaviour was threatening and damn right scary. My mum always said "its not him - he isn't well"

And thats what I'd always think about the ex.

I think this thread has really helped me think further. Thanks

cinderellawkids

Ive definately always been codependant, always saving something or someone. Both my parents were manic depressive as it was called then so I was always trying to help everyone be happy only to pull away from them and feel unloved when they didnt need me

nowinsituation

At first I say, definately NOT a codie before STBXAH. I did not want him to need me; absolutely the opposite. Didn't want to fix him -- but I wanted him to fix himself and take initiative and responsibility. I could not understand why he was so content to rely on me to take care of everything (mostly related to his disability).

However, since learning more about what it means to be "codie" I think I was. Grew up with VERY severe self-esteem issues, very shy, and did some pretty destructive things to get attention as I lacked any real social skills. Then, I married the first "nice" guy that paid any real attention to me. He was not an alcoholic when we married; I didn't even realize he was one until about a year ago. That is a very good question.

fluffyflea

ME: Yes of course I was. All learned behaviour from growin gup in an alcoholic household.

Ngaire

hbb

I have always been a codie. My first 5 year relationship i fixed and did for him the whole time (not an A). This time, worse, even after promising myself i would NOT do it again for anyone....i did.

Now, not AS much but I definitely have my moments. I'm learning and practicing on my friends that are treating me crappy. I find myself saying more and more "oh ya, i USED to do/be like that"!!

brentsgirl

I believe it is something you learn while growing up. I did not grow up in an abusive household or one with any active addictions, although they do seem to run rampant in my family. But my parents were always the ones to "take in strays' as my mother puts it. The friend who's parents are divorcing and needs a safe place to stay for a few weeks, my cousin who didn't want to leave his friends his senior year when his family moved down south, and so on. I can count at least 6 of my friends or family members who have lived in my parents house at one point or another. So I was brought up to help out and care for people. I think maybe I just took it to the extreme with my exabf. Its a fine line between helping out and being a codie I think.

sailorjohn

You should be able to answer this one yourself. Were you raised to be one?

i4getsm

Thanks all! I honestly have no clue how I ended up here. I come from a very stable, very nurturing family. I LOVE my family (parents, grandparents, brother, extended family). We all hang out a lot and have a great time. When I was younger, I was very shy and had 1 main best friend. It was always me and this girl (all the way through high school). She was the talker and I was the follower. That changed when I went to college and I became very outspoken but still low self esteem. I don't know why but I have always helped others and I think I believed that was why they liked me. Can you say "codie"?

Thanks for all of the replies. I'm trying to stop blaming STBXAH and focus on what I brought to our marriage. I'm seeing now that he didn't start the codie in me. I brought that baggage along with me. Interesting conversation! Thank you for sharing!

i4getsm

Hey Sailor! What does that mean? How could I be raised to be one? I'm curious for your response as I think that's how it happened. I just don't know the "how". In other words, were there things that my parents did or didn't do that pushed me in this direction? I'm not looking to place blame. I just want to understand how it could happen so that I don't pass this particular trait along to my children. It would be nice to understand it.

sailorjohn

In a lot of our cases-mine for example-we were raised in alcoholic households, so the answer is pretty obvious. I don't know if the why is so important, and I've also read that you can become codependent in Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More", even if you've had the best of upbringings. Understanding my behavior is the most important thing I can try to do today. The behavior of a practicing alcoholic is unfathomable.

baileyboop

I was not raised in an alcoholic environment, but I was def. a codie before my marriage to STBXAH. All my adult life, all I have ever worked in is human services fields...I definitely have an inner need to "help" and "fix" people. it is easier to detatch from clients at work. It is extremely hard when the issues are in your opwn back yard. JMO.. I am learning-slowly but surely.

LaTeeDa

For me, it comes from the deep feeling of not being "worthy." In my house (dad was an alcoholic, mom was the codependent) you had to "earn" love and affection. It was not handed out freely simply for being who you were. I had to do well in school, accomplish things, do chores, etc. That's how I got praise, and how I learned to make myself valuable. So, it followed that I married someone who needed fixing. I had a deep desire to "help" him so I could feel important, valuable, worthy. I never learned that just being myself was enough. I had to do something, accomplish something. In short, I needed to be needed.

What I've learned is that this urge to be needed almost always backfires. I sacrifice myself for another and when they don't appreciate all I've done for them, I get angry and resentful. After all, I've earned their love, so why don't they give it to me? It's taken a few years of self-reflection to understand this, but now that I do, it's all so clear.

L

hadenoughnow

I am the oldest child of a mother who was "taken care of" her entire life by her husband's or her children when in between husbands. I didn't know that it was wrong for her to ask me to give her money to pay bills when I was 18 and could barely care for myself so I was programmed that it was my duty to provide for others even if their "needs" came from a false sense of entitlement (my mother believes that she "paid her dues" by raising 3 kids and that everyone owes her). My relationship with the A follows this pattern, it took me a lot of years to realize that my mother and my AH were in a sick competition of sorts over whatever resources I could provide for them (companionship, money, security). No one expects their mother or husband to be manipulative con artists. I dealt with my mom a few years ago (cut off giving her money and made it clear that I do not owe her anything) but dealing with my STBX's false sense of entitlement is still a challenge sometimes.

It's been a pretty rude awakening for both of them (my mother thinks I am menopausal and the A thinks that I have just plain lost my mind LOL).

Serenity8

I have often found myself trying to figure out how I got here. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, but I believe I grew up in a codependent home. My parents were really involved with the church and worked on suicide hotlines, etc. so there was always a feeling that we could "save" people.

My very first boyfriend was most likely an alcoholic. In fact, we broke up (in 1988!!) after he got his second DUI. I still loved him but didn't want someone "like that" as the father of my children. Considering what is happening in my life now, 20 years later (with a compulsive, multi-addicted husband with one foot in IOP for *one* addiction) I think it is a tad ironic.

I do know I spent a heck of a lot of time worrying about the current "boy" or "man" in my life from a very early age. And I see my 5 year old as such a codependent already, it scares the heck out of me.

NYC_Chick

Oh God Yes! I was, and still am, a card carrying member of the Codie Club!

I know now this came from my childhood. I dealt with it, then backed off, and now I am facing this head-on.